I slept with another man and am consumed with guilt

[Anonymous]

I just hope that OP continues to feel remorseful and guilty. I think that many cheaters turn the guilt into unjustified anger (by telling themselves how bad their marriage is and that they "deserved' to cheat). Cheaters are despicable. But we are all deeply flawed -- just in different ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT TELL. If you are committed to never doing it again, and if there is no possibility your husband will find out some other sources, DO NOT TELL.

Yes, you feel disgusting right now, but no feelings last. In a few weeks, you'll forget all about it and live happily ever after. Telling accomplishes nothing, absolutely nothing. It will probably blow up your life as you know it forever. DO NOT TELL.

Also,

Do not act any differently. And

DO NOT, for chrissakes, DO NOT create any track of evidence of this. No texts, no emails, no voicemails, nothing from your hookup guy. If he communicates with you, do not pick up, delete all emails and texts, LEAVE NO TRACE.

Except the guilt will make OP act differently. AP is a legitimate work contact, not a perfect stranger. He doesn't just disappear and lots of opportunities for innocent coincidences.

Then there is the possibility that AP sends her something not so innocent - whether or not he does, OP wondering about it will prevent things from ever being normal.

Like a PP said, if her marriage is really sound, the only way to get back on solid footing is to tell. If marriage is not that sound, then not telling is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We used a condom. Yes. He is married too. I don't believe he would say anything to anyone but I honestly don't know him we'll enough

Oh.. OP. You had the presence of mind to use a condom but not to stop? How would you explain that to your husband? (Whether you tell him or he find out another way.) You may want to consider that.

If you're going to blame the alcohol, then maybe you should stay absolutely stone cold sober when not with your husband. I've been the one cheated on so I won't offer any more than that.

[Anonymous]

Don't tell. Do get tested and go talk to someone about why you did it. There are reasons why we do things. See if those reasons can be worked on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT TELL. If you are committed to never doing it again, and if there is no possibility your husband will find out some other sources, DO NOT TELL.

Yes, you feel disgusting right now, but no feelings last. In a few weeks, you'll forget all about it and live happily ever after. Telling accomplishes nothing, absolutely nothing. It will probably blow up your life as you know it forever. DO NOT TELL.

Also,

Do not act any differently. And

DO NOT, for chrissakes, DO NOT create any track of evidence of this. No texts, no emails, no voicemails, nothing from your hookup guy. If he communicates with you, do not pick up, delete all emails and texts, LEAVE NO TRACE.

Except the guilt will make OP act differently. AP is a legitimate work contact, not a perfect stranger. He doesn't just disappear and lots of opportunities for innocent coincidences.

Then there is the possibility that AP sends her something not so innocent - whether or not he does, OP wondering about it will prevent things from ever being normal.

Like a PP said, if her marriage is really sound, the only way to get back on solid footing is to tell. If marriage is not that sound, then not telling is fine.

Not really. Guilt is like any other emotion. It fades with time if you're patient and distract yourself.

If it's a big company, there is no need to be exposed to a work contact. I don't know 95% of people who work for my 17,000 staff company. Plus, the AP is married, he's got tons to lose too.

Telling is stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT TELL. If you are committed to never doing it again, and if there is no possibility your husband will find out some other sources, DO NOT TELL.

Yes, you feel disgusting right now, but no feelings last. In a few weeks, you'll forget all about it and live happily ever after. Telling accomplishes nothing, absolutely nothing. It will probably blow up your life as you know it forever. DO NOT TELL.

Also,

Do not act any differently. And

DO NOT, for chrissakes, DO NOT create any track of evidence of this. No texts, no emails, no voicemails, nothing from your hookup guy. If he communicates with you, do not pick up, delete all emails and texts, LEAVE NO TRACE.

Except the guilt will make OP act differently. AP is a legitimate work contact, not a perfect stranger. He doesn't just disappear and lots of opportunities for innocent coincidences.

Then there is the possibility that AP sends her something not so innocent - whether or not he does, OP wondering about it will prevent things from ever being normal.

Like a PP said, if her marriage is really sound, the only way to get back on solid footing is to tell. If marriage is not that sound, then not telling is fine.

Not really. Guilt is like any other emotion. It fades with time if you're patient and distract yourself.

If it's a big company, there is no need to be exposed to a work contact. I don't know 95% of people who work for my 17,000 staff company. Plus, the AP is married, he's got tons to lose too.

Telling is stupid.

Not to mention, it is an international company.

OP just needs to pull her big girl panties up and carry on and never do this again and never speak of it to a single soul.

[Anonymous]

OP - you're not alone. I think this happens a LOT more than people realize.

[Anonymous]

DH here. Just read this entire thread.

If my wife told me she had a one night stand on a work trip I would be crushed. I might file for divorce the next day and I might also hurt myself or her. I really don't know how I would react other than to be completely devastated.

If you can accept this range of negative outcomes as well as the possibility that your mutual love can bring you through this together then tell him. If you can't accept the possibility of these worst outcomes keep it as secret as you can. Get into therapy. Work it out there. You probably need therapy either way.

[Anonymous]

How long do you think the ruse will hold up OP? You said the other guy was married right? What if his guilt consumes him, he tells the wife and then you are contacted? It makes it worse that he is a colleague.

If your husband finds out through circumstances not of your own mouth, I doubt he's ever likely to forgive you for keeping such a lie.

[Anonymous]

You should tell only if trust is important in your marriage. If you don't mind living a lie for the rest of your life, and think your dh feels the same way, it's better not to tell.

You're already lying to yourself about how the drink caused it, and maybe even thinking that the guilt will make you faithful in the future, but as the existence of second and third children proves, memory of pain is notoriously short. You need to find the real reason you cheated and start the process of fixing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should tell only if trust is important in your marriage. If you don't mind living a lie for the rest of your life, and think your dh feels the same way, it's better not to tell.

You're already lying to yourself about how the drink caused it, and maybe even thinking that the guilt will make you faithful in the future, but as the existence of second and third children proves, memory of pain is notoriously short. You need to find the real reason you cheated and start the process of fixing it.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Who carries condoms on a biz trip?

I do (not kidding), just in case I get drunk and have sex with a stranger. The way I look at it, better to have protection than not, just in case it happens. I don't go looking for it, but I've also been on many business trips/conferences where the combination of free drinks, everyone staying in the same hotel, makes for a risky situation.

OK. Assuming you're not the OP, are you married?

Yes.. also did this when I was single but I assume most single people do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has OP even responded back? Why did she do it in the first place? What sucks for me is seeing posts where other women did the same thing and then wondering what my wife does on business trips. I try to be a good husband but are these trips really just sexual free for alls? Now I'm paranoid.

Ha, no. I travel frequently for work (education policy) and never have had any interest or opportunity. I do think there is a culture of convention hook-ups in some professions.

Yeah it really depends on the industry I think. I go to a number of conferences, some as an attendee, and others as an exhibitor, and they are in vastly different industries. At one of them, the stakes are much higher in terms of average sales etc and the vendor-sponsored parties are absolutely lavish -- not uncommon for them to rent out an entire night club, bring in a nationally-known band, and provide free drinks and food throughout the night. It's definitely a recipe for straying.

[Anonymous]

If he had time to put on a condom, there was time to bail, to snap out of the moment. OP, do not tell DH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has OP even responded back? Why did she do it in the first place? What sucks for me is seeing posts where other women did the same thing and then wondering what my wife does on business trips. I try to be a good husband but are these trips really just sexual free for alls? Now I'm paranoid.

Ha, no. I travel frequently for work (education policy) and never have had any interest or opportunity. I do think there is a culture of convention hook-ups in some professions.

Yeah it really depends on the industry I think. I go to a number of conferences, some as an attendee, and others as an exhibitor, and they are in vastly different industries. At one of them, the stakes are much higher in terms of average sales etc and the vendor-sponsored parties are absolutely lavish -- not uncommon for them to rent out an entire night club, bring in a nationally-known band, and provide free drinks and food throughout the night. It's definitely a recipe for straying.

Yup. I'm in a sales industry where the events are very lavish. Open bars all night and private concerts. I've seen Bruno Mars, Cold Play, and Usher to name a few. There certainly is a crew of usual suspects who behave like they are in college. And I've most definitely know that many of the.men get attractive hookers, typical Vegas style.