single mother difficulty meeting single men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeff - can you take a look to see if some of the insulting posts are from the same idiot? this is now beyond annoying.

This is the surest indication that there are some things that women don't like to hear.

DCUM is inundated with different opinions some valid and some are not on a whole bunch of controversial subjects. But comment on single mothers not being desirable to most men when it comes to a serious relationship or that overweight/obese people should do something to lose weight for reasons of health, career or social acceptance and it is considered out of bounds.

Why the sensitivity? If women really believe that being a single mother makes little or no difference you'd just ignore the naysayers.

"It's not what you say, it's how you say it." Haven't you learned that little ditty yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married a single mother who had a couple of kids and so did I from my previous marriage.

I did too, and posted about it a couple of pages back...

The bad part is that for several years dealing with her kids from her prior marriage was a fucking nightmare which I would not wish on anyone in the world. It came pretty close to us splitting up over conflicts relating to her kids.

So my advice to any guy taking on step-children is to think long and hard because I assure you that the dynamics involved are more often than not a time bomb waiting to go off. If the ex is involved that can make things even more complicated.

Parents have conflicts in raising children even when they are not step-children. When one introduces the dynamic of the kids being from another relationship, the potential for conflicts and how best to deal with them becomes infinitely more hazardous.

+1M

This is what I meant about power dynamics; if you have a disagreement about what is the best course of action for some aspect of parenting, you can bet that if it's not your child, that "trump card" will get pulled, in an attempt to ignore/override you, even though you have no choice but to live with the consequences of those decisions - unless, of course, like me, you leave.

I finally left when he made his 3rd attempt to launch at 32 - he'd finally gotten out of rehab (coke) and gotten a steady job. I figured things were on the upswing, so it was the best possible time to GTFO. Of course, he, like every bartender and stripper in the country, became a "Real Estate Agent" during the boom, so he is back living with her again (along with his son!), and I am still paying for the roof over their head.

I remain convinced that if even a modicum of my ideas about how to handle his adolescent/young-adult teething issues had been followed, he'd have some self-confidence and self-actualization. Or maybe not, but he wouldn't still be living in the guest room in his early 40s.

And that single-moms, is the risk a lot of men intuit about getting involved with you...they aren't just getting involved with you, they are getting involved with your kids. I think it is different for single-dads...I think the fact they have their own kids, and formerly-single-mom's desire to have some say about single-dad's kids, goes a long, long way to re-balancing that. I know, I know..your kids - like everyone's kids - are wonderful angels, so that will never apply to you.

BTW - before somebody labels me a misogynist troll: I'm on good terms with my ex and her son and I'm not bitter about the support arrangement; she's an amazing woman in many ways, I'm just happier not married to her. He does have a father who also kicked in a lot of the $$$ for the various follies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your sexism that's offensive. You're intentionally provocative.

Get over yourself already.

Idiotic!

What is sexist about saying that most men don't want a serious relationship with a single mother and having to be involved in raising her children?

Have you noticed that all your derogatory comments about men on this thread are ignored? They are ignored because ludicrous comments about men who you do not know are like water off a duck's back. They sure don't feel the need to ask Jeff to come to their aid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your sexism that's offensive. You're intentionally provocative.

Get over yourself already.

Idiotic!

What is sexist about saying that most men don't want a serious relationship with a single mother and having to be involved in raising her children?

Have you noticed that all your derogatory comments about men on this thread are ignored? They are ignored because ludicrous comments about men who you do not know are like water off a duck's back. They sure don't feel the need to ask Jeff to come to their aid.

That's not what has being said. When you can talk about what has actually been said, you come back and we'll talk. Mmkay? Your magical land of slighted men just isn't here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married a single mother who had a couple of kids and so did I from my previous marriage.

I did too, and posted about it a couple of pages back...

The bad part is that for several years dealing with her kids from her prior marriage was a fucking nightmare which I would not wish on anyone in the world. It came pretty close to us splitting up over conflicts relating to her kids.

So my advice to any guy taking on step-children is to think long and hard because I assure you that the dynamics involved are more often than not a time bomb waiting to go off. If the ex is involved that can make things even more complicated.

Parents have conflicts in raising children even when they are not step-children. When one introduces the dynamic of the kids being from another relationship, the potential for conflicts and how best to deal with them becomes infinitely more hazardous.

+1M

This is what I meant about power dynamics; if you have a disagreement about what is the best course of action for some aspect of parenting, you can bet that if it's not your child, that "trump card" will get pulled, in an attempt to ignore/override you, even though you have no choice but to live with the consequences of those decisions - unless, of course, like me, you leave.

I finally left when he made his 3rd attempt to launch at 32 - he'd finally gotten out of rehab (coke) and gotten a steady job. I figured things were on the upswing, so it was the best possible time to GTFO. Of course, he, like every bartender and stripper in the country, became a "Real Estate Agent" during the boom, so he is back living with her again (along with his son!), and I am still paying for the roof over their head.

I remain convinced that if even a modicum of my ideas about how to handle his adolescent/young-adult teething issues had been followed, he'd have some self-confidence and self-actualization. Or maybe not, but he wouldn't still be living in the guest room in his early 40s.

And that single-moms, is the risk a lot of men intuit about getting involved with you...they aren't just getting involved with you, they are getting involved with your kids. I think it is different for single-dads...I think the fact they have their own kids, and formerly-single-mom's desire to have some say about single-dad's kids, goes a long, long way to re-balancing that. I know, I know..your kids - like everyone's kids - are wonderful angels, so that will never apply to you.

BTW - before somebody labels me a misogynist troll: I'm on good terms with my ex and her son and I'm not bitter about the support arrangement; she's an amazing woman in many ways, I'm just happier not married to her. He does have a father who also kicked in a lot of the $$$ for the various follies.

I haven't seen any comments that raising children together is easy. Of course it's a challenge. It's not for everyone.

[Anonymous]

I've really slowed down my posting recently b/c of the guy (or troll or multiple men) who are posting such angry, bitter posts about women -- especially single, divorced or both.

Yes, I am a woman, I am a mother, I am divorced and...wait for it, I also work full time and support myself. My ex pays child support -- which, newsflash, is for the kids. I've been dating a single father for over a year, but have been divorced much longer. I did not come to DCUM when I was first divorced, but I could have used some of the insights. I felt alone and had no clue about dating. I'm glad you are so open with your views -- happy to avoid any man that views me or my kids in this negative way.

I do, however, want to give advice when my experience can be helpful to someone else going through a situation that I've been through. If this were your sister, would you be this judgmental and vile towards her? If this were your daughter, would you berate her for choosing the wrong spouse and trying to find some romantic relationship in her personal life? Would you constantly shoot back saying that no man will ever want her unless she goes for the ugliest, most unsuccessful man she can find? It's enough already and I just look at what you do as beating someone when they are down. That says to me that you are incredibly insecure and most likely hurt by a woman. It appears that you have some serious anger issues and I'm sure that comes across to people who get to know you IRL.

If the OP needs some blunt advice about what she might be doing wrong in terms of meeting men, then go ahead and give it. Not suggesting it has to be rainbows and unicorns. She asked for input on why she's not meeting men as a single mother. How is your opinion that kids should have married parents relevant to her question?

I hope people will continue to give real responses to the different questions posed in these threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your sexism that's offensive. You're intentionally provocative.

Get over yourself already.

Idiotic!

What is sexist about saying that most men don't want a serious relationship with a single mother and having to be involved in raising her children?

Have you noticed that all your derogatory comments about men on this thread are ignored? They are ignored because ludicrous comments about men who you do not know are like water off a duck's back. They sure don't feel the need to ask Jeff to come to their aid.

That's because most posters here are women so guess what, we don't take those posts personally. There are loads of posts all over DCUM that do not concern me that I do not bother responding to. Can you really not see why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:all of the other moms or friends I have are coupled up. I've tried online dating and the meet up thing. Nothing is working. Where are single successful men who want a built in family? Is it me?

Could be.
Not an altogether absurd idea that maybe its not a simple matter of you having a child/children.
It could indeed be you that is that deterring men from wanting to establish a relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've really slowed down my posting recently b/c of the guy (or troll or multiple men) who are posting such angry, bitter posts about women -- especially single, divorced or both.

Yes, I am a woman, I am a mother, I am divorced and...wait for it, I also work full time and support myself. My ex pays child support -- which, newsflash, is for the kids. I've been dating a single father for over a year, but have been divorced much longer. I did not come to DCUM when I was first divorced, but I could have used some of the insights. I felt alone and had no clue about dating. I'm glad you are so open with your views -- happy to avoid any man that views me or my kids in this negative way.

I do, however, want to give advice when my experience can be helpful to someone else going through a situation that I've been through. If this were your sister, would you be this judgmental and vile towards her? If this were your daughter, would you berate her for choosing the wrong spouse and trying to find some romantic relationship in her personal life? Would you constantly shoot back saying that no man will ever want her unless she goes for the ugliest, most unsuccessful man she can find? It's enough already and I just look at what you do as beating someone when they are down. That says to me that you are incredibly insecure and most likely hurt by a woman. It appears that you have some serious anger issues and I'm sure that comes across to people who get to know you IRL.

If the OP needs some blunt advice about what she might be doing wrong in terms of meeting men, then go ahead and give it. Not suggesting it has to be rainbows and unicorns. She asked for input on why she's not meeting men as a single mother. How is your opinion that kids should have married parents relevant to her question?

I hope people will continue to give real responses to the different questions posed in these threads.

Your response unlike that of most of the women on this forum is well reasoned and fair and you have commented on a situation that I have actually confronted. So I will answer a point you made.

Someone close to me who relies heavily on my advice was in the very situation you describe. She got married to someone quite unsuitable for her and I told her gently that she was making mistake but she went through with it. I wished her well and hoped for the best. Two years and one child later, she got divorced. She was terribly hurt.

She spent the next NINE years trying to find someone with whom she could enter into a meaningful relationship. The biggest problem she had was the fact that she was a single mother and most of the men she went with did not want a serious relationship with a woman who had a young child. Now we are talking about an attractive, accomplished professional woman who went to a couple of the top schools in the country and today holds a high profile position in the corporate world.

She would come to me lamenting about how difficult it was to find a suitable guy. I never condemned her for her poor choice in the failed marriage. I did tell her that she was aiming too high in terms of the type of guy she wanted a relationship. I told her that she needed to be realistic about the fact that many men don't want to raise another man's child. It is just the way it is. She finally lowered her sights and ended up in a relationship with a guy who is a wonderful person but no where close to earning the kind of money she makes or fitted the profile of the type of guy she was looking for. When she introduced him to me I liked the guy and told her so. She had reservations and felt that she could do better but she took my advice and married him. They have been married for several years and are generally happy. They have children though his relationship with the child from the first marriage is erratic.

But ultimately she had to compromise in terms of what she was looking for. He is not ugly or uncouth by any means. He is a decent person - a lot better than her first husband. But he earns about a quarter of what she does - and he makes a six figure income.

So what is the lesson in this story? First, it is very very difficult for a single mother to find a guy to enter into a serious relationship. A woman needs to be willing to set her sights much lower than if she were marrying for the first time. Most women - including the woman I referenced above - are usually not willing to do this until there is a realization that not doing so will likely lead to never finding a suitable man. The woman I mentioned above was financially independent. If she were not, I believe it would have been even harder for her to find a suitable mate.

BTW, I think there are several posters - not just one - who are being castigated for being less than tactful. It is not one poster - and certainly I don't think any of them are trolls, at least based on the usual definition of the term.

[Anonymous]

People get castigated for being less than tactful on every single thread on DCUM. PP, you sound really dense in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've really slowed down my posting recently b/c of the guy (or troll or multiple men) who are posting such angry, bitter posts about women -- especially single, divorced or both.

Yes, I am a woman, I am a mother, I am divorced and...wait for it, I also work full time and support myself. My ex pays child support -- which, newsflash, is for the kids. I've been dating a single father for over a year, but have been divorced much longer. I did not come to DCUM when I was first divorced, but I could have used some of the insights. I felt alone and had no clue about dating. I'm glad you are so open with your views -- happy to avoid any man that views me or my kids in this negative way.

I do, however, want to give advice when my experience can be helpful to someone else going through a situation that I've been through. If this were your sister, would you be this judgmental and vile towards her? If this were your daughter, would you berate her for choosing the wrong spouse and trying to find some romantic relationship in her personal life? Would you constantly shoot back saying that no man will ever want her unless she goes for the ugliest, most unsuccessful man she can find? It's enough already and I just look at what you do as beating someone when they are down. That says to me that you are incredibly insecure and most likely hurt by a woman. It appears that you have some serious anger issues and I'm sure that comes across to people who get to know you IRL.

If the OP needs some blunt advice about what she might be doing wrong in terms of meeting men, then go ahead and give it. Not suggesting it has to be rainbows and unicorns. She asked for input on why she's not meeting men as a single mother. How is your opinion that kids should have married parents relevant to her question?

I hope people will continue to give real responses to the different questions posed in these threads.

Your response unlike that of most of the women on this forum is well reasoned and fair and you have commented on a situation that I have actually confronted. So I will answer a point you made.

Someone close to me who relies heavily on my advice was in the very situation you describe. She got married to someone quite unsuitable for her and I told her gently that she was making mistake but she went through with it. I wished her well and hoped for the best. Two years and one child later, she got divorced. She was terribly hurt.

She spent the next NINE years trying to find someone with whom she could enter into a meaningful relationship. The biggest problem she had was the fact that she was a single mother and most of the men she went with did not want a serious relationship with a woman who had a young child. Now we are talking about an attractive, accomplished professional woman who went to a couple of the top schools in the country and today holds a high profile position in the corporate world.

She would come to me lamenting about how difficult it was to find a suitable guy. I never condemned her for her poor choice in the failed marriage. I did tell her that she was aiming too high in terms of the type of guy she wanted a relationship. I told her that she needed to be realistic about the fact that many men don't want to raise another man's child. It is just the way it is. She finally lowered her sights and ended up in a relationship with a guy who is a wonderful person but no where close to earning the kind of money she makes or fitted the profile of the type of guy she was looking for. When she introduced him to me I liked the guy and told her so. She had reservations and felt that she could do better but she took my advice and married him. They have been married for several years and are generally happy. They have children though his relationship with the child from the first marriage is erratic.

But ultimately she had to compromise in terms of what she was looking for. He is not ugly or uncouth by any means. He is a decent person - a lot better than her first husband. But he earns about a quarter of what she does - and he makes a six figure income.

So what is the lesson in this story? First, it is very very difficult for a single mother to find a guy to enter into a serious relationship. A woman needs to be willing to set her sights much lower than if she were marrying for the first time. Most women - including the woman I referenced above - are usually not willing to do this until there is a realization that not doing so will likely lead to never finding a suitable man. The woman I mentioned above was financially independent. If she were not, I believe it would have been even harder for her to find a suitable mate.

BTW, I think there are several posters - not just one - who are being castigated for being less than tactful. It is not one poster - and certainly I don't think any of them are trolls, at least based on the usual definition of the term.

That's an interesting anecdote, but hardly a scientific conclusion.

[Anonymous]

^^Perhaps you can provide some scientific data on this subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen any comments that raising children together is easy. Of course it's a challenge. It's not for everyone.

Of course it is a challenge - even when the biological parents are together and raising them; it is a particular challenge for step-parents, and even more of one for step-parents who are not parents themselves. The OP asked why she was having a challenge meeting single men as a single mother - this is one direct, on point answer as to why. It's not an "all women are [evil|bitches|sluts|blah,blah,blah]" answer. Perhaps the OP can think about strategies or minimize or mitigate those issues.

The practical advice to the OP is: focus on single fathers who are more likely to be open to and understanding of your particular circumstances, whether or not they have full or even majority custody. Also: date your prospective partner for a long time before introducing and mixing children into it. That is the exact advice I'd give my daughter or sister and I would encourage them to find a partner - raising a child alone is a hell of a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ OK all you single mothers have me convinced!

Every single guy and single father views your demographic as the most desirable group to hitch up with. No one else stands a chance because every man is looking for a family from the outset of marriage and what could be more desirable than a woman who has had children from another man or better still, from multiple men?

The ultimate catch would be a single mother who does not work and who has children from multiple men because single men and single fathers have it in their DNA to be a provider for children they had no role in bringing to this world.

Contrary opinions are not welcome here. This forum is about boosting female entitlement and access to men's ATMs.

Spot on!

[Anonymous]

What are you doing in the girl's locker room if you don't like what you overhear about men there?