single mother difficulty meeting single men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen any comments that raising children together is easy. Of course it's a challenge. It's not for everyone.

Of course it is a challenge - even when the biological parents are together and raising them; it is a particular challenge for step-parents, and even more of one for step-parents who are not parents themselves. The OP asked why she was having a challenge meeting single men as a single mother - this is one direct, on point answer as to why. It's not an "all women are [evil|bitches|sluts|blah,blah,blah]" answer. Perhaps the OP can think about strategies or minimize or mitigate those issues.

The practical advice to the OP is: focus on single fathers who are more likely to be open to and understanding of your particular circumstances, whether or not they have full or even majority custody. Also: date your prospective partner for a long time before introducing and mixing children into it. That is the exact advice I'd give my daughter or sister and I would encourage them to find a partner - raising a child alone is a hell of a job.

You seem like a lovely person. Very sound advice. Yes, raising a child(ren) alone is a hell of a job. I did it alone, made the decision not to date because I didn't want to bring any unnecessary drama into my children's lives. Also, I didn't have the extra energy or funds to date so I focused on maintaining my household and raising my children. I figured if I took care of myself I could find a companion or husband later in life once they were out of my nest. Ha! In a few years my youngest will take off for college.

I agree it's important to really take the time to get to know a prospective partner and not bring him around your child before you have thoroughly vetted him, regardless of how "nice and kind" he seems. Usually, it takes at least a year of really getting to know someone before potential problems or personality issues are revealed.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure why there is so much rancor on this topic.

I would not want to marry a single father who has primary custody of his child/children because I have no wish to be a step-mother quite apart from having to deal with their mother and his ex-wife. I would not even want to marry a single father whose children live with their mother though if he were really exceptional in other ways I just might be open to it.

If this makes me selfish so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure why there is so much rancor on this topic.

I would not want to marry a single father who has primary custody of his child/children because I have no wish to be a step-mother quite apart from having to deal with their mother and his ex-wife. I would not even want to marry a single father whose children live with their mother though if he were really exceptional in other ways I just might be open to it.

If this makes me selfish so be it.

I don't think anyone has an issue with the idea of any individual saying they didn't want to date someone with kids. Of course there are people who don't want to date a parent. The problem comes when a troll declares that no single man would ever want to date a woman with kids because she's damaged goods and just looking for an ATM.

[Anonymous]

I love single moms. They understand my situation since I'm a single father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love single moms. They understand my situation since I'm a single father.

Swelling heart emoticon.

[Anonymous]

I love single moms ....... I also love married moms ....... in fact, I love all women who are halfway attractive.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is the first single mom to respond to you in this topic. In case it came out that way, I did NOT mean to hold off on dating. I meant that finding a relationship is alot easier once your kid is low maintenance (potty trained, no need for naps and staying on a schedule, can withstand long periods of time out and about). Babies and toddlers take a lot of time and attention. I actually dated a patient guy during those years, while nursing, and I fell asleep on him twice. Once in a movie theatre and the other time after he cooked dinner and was downstairs cleaning dishes. He was a good guy (and single, no kids) so I know from experience that there are guys who will seek a relationship with you anyway. However, chances are that you will have to meet them when you're away from your kid. I met that guy in a club on a Saturday night. The other women I know who have been successful with really young kids have joint custody or relatives who babysit frequently. A toddler in tow usually signals to a guy that there is a man in your life.

My DC will be 5 this year and I have definitely noticed a big difference. For one, it seems plausible to men now that I'm actually single when we're out together. I get approached alot more often with DC with me now. In our neighborhood, at the airport, at the pool, while on vacation. And guys will use DC as a conversation starter. Before, I usually met guys while out with friends/work, online or through hookups (my friends' husbands should charge lol). The guys who approached when I had an infant/toddler with me were usually not quality guys.

I agree with a PP who has other single mom friends whose lives are all wrapped in their identities as moms. They tend to hang out with other (often married) moms and participate in kid-focused activities. I liken them to some single childless friends who want to get married yet aren't proactive in the least about it. They don't agree with online dating, they won't update their look because a man should accept them as is, they don't keep in shape, and prefer to hang out in groups of women primarily. Single men aren't usually hanging at Gymboree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the first single mom to respond to you in this topic. In case it came out that way, I did NOT mean to hold off on dating. I meant that finding a relationship is alot easier once your kid is low maintenance (potty trained, no need for naps and staying on a schedule, can withstand long periods of time out and about). Babies and toddlers take a lot of time and attention. I actually dated a patient guy during those years, while nursing, and I fell asleep on him twice. Once in a movie theatre and the other time after he cooked dinner and was downstairs cleaning dishes. He was a good guy (and single, no kids) so I know from experience that there are guys who will seek a relationship with you anyway. However, chances are that you will have to meet them when you're away from your kid. I met that guy in a club on a Saturday night. The other women I know who have been successful with really young kids have joint custody or relatives who babysit frequently. A toddler in tow usually signals to a guy that there is a man in your life.

My DC will be 5 this year and I have definitely noticed a big difference. For one, it seems plausible to men now that I'm actually single when we're out together. I get approached alot more often with DC with me now. In our neighborhood, at the airport, at the pool, while on vacation. And guys will use DC as a conversation starter. Before, I usually met guys while out with friends/work, online or through hookups (my friends' husbands should charge lol). The guys who approached when I had an infant/toddler with me were usually not quality guys.

I agree with a PP who has other single mom friends whose lives are all wrapped in their identities as moms. They tend to hang out with other (often married) moms and participate in kid-focused activities. I liken them to some single childless friends who want to get married yet aren't proactive in the least about it. They don't agree with online dating, they won't update their look because a man should accept them as is, they don't keep in shape, and prefer to hang out in groups of women primarily. Single men aren't usually hanging at Gymboree.

This pretty much describes me. I never thought of it so bluntly before. Thanks I guess?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the single mom PP. What you could do is start building in some time and doing things for yourself. Have a part of your life that doesn't revolve around your child. Spending time looking better will help too. I got a new hairstyle and hit the gym. It made me feel like I was getting some of my identity back.

My child is a tween. I think that age is easier for men. I'm sure some guys enjoy the baby/toddler stage, but most of the dad's I know said they didn't get comfortable and really enjoy parenting until their child was a preschooler.

Though I have kind of known him for years, my boyfriend and I got together when I was visiting a friend without my daughter. There was a lot of serious flirting that I wouldn't be able to do with my child present. I've dated before, but this is more serious. He's a good guy and I adore him. He enjoys children, which is probably not like most young, single men. He is over 40, but I'm pushing 40 and wouldn't consider dating someone younger.

Good luck, OP. You will have some challenges, but meeting a great guy is within reach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the single mom PP. What you could do is start building in some time and doing things for yourself. Have a part of your life that doesn't revolve around your child. Spending time looking better will help too. I got a new hairstyle and hit the gym. It made me feel like I was getting some of my identity back.

My child is a tween. I think that age is easier for men. I'm sure some guys enjoy the baby/toddler stage, but most of the dad's I know said they didn't get comfortable and really enjoy parenting until their child was a preschooler.

Though I have kind of known him for years, my boyfriend and I got together when I was visiting a friend without my daughter. There was a lot of serious flirting that I wouldn't be able to do with my child present. I've dated before, but this is more serious. He's a good guy and I adore him. He enjoys children, which is probably not like most young, single men. He is over 40, but I'm pushing 40 and wouldn't consider dating someone younger.

Good luck, OP. You will have some challenges, but meeting a great guy is within reach.

PP, not sure if your boyfriend has been married before but a 40 year old who has not been married likely has commitment issues. I am talking from personal experience. I hope I don't come across as snarky because that is not my intention.

But I wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate the info, but he has been married. I've been a friend of that family for a very long time. I'm familiar with his history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PP, not sure if your boyfriend has been married before but a 40 year old who has not been married likely has commitment issues. I am talking from personal experience. I hope I don't come across as snarky because that is not my intention.

But I wish you luck.

Or the guy was in a LTR with a woman who didn't want to get married. Or they both decided marriage doesn't make a difference.

This isn't the 50s anymore. A piece of paper and a ring really doesn't change much of anything unless you are talking about taxes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP, not sure if your boyfriend has been married before but a 40 year old who has not been married likely has commitment issues. I am talking from personal experience. I hope I don't come across as snarky because that is not my intention.

But I wish you luck.

Or the guy was in a LTR with a woman who didn't want to get married. Or they both decided marriage doesn't make a difference.

This isn't the 50s anymore. A piece of paper and a ring really doesn't change much of anything unless you are talking about taxes

Or the right to marry....

[DanielG]

I'm a single male with a child. I don't think people look down upon others because of having a kid unless they are younger (under 25). After that, meeting someone with a child is just normal and you are only limiting your pool of potential partners by being turned off by it.

I'm sure there are women out there without kids that probably want nothing to do with me just because of my child, and I'm fine with that. I'd rather meet someone that understands and respects my life just like I do for them.

But at the end of the day, I suspect I'll be more attracted to a single mother since we'll share a lot of common interests (since our children are such a huge part of our lives).

[Anonymous]

As a single female, I have zero interest in a LTR with a single father. It is a complication I don't need in my life. Why would I want to enter into such a relationship when there are lots of single men who are entirely eligible? I don't look down on a single father but I don't want to have to deal with the children of another marriage.

I get approached frequently by single fathers but for me it disqualifies the person. Within the group of women I move with - most are single - they share the sentiments I expressed. So the bias against single parents is not limited to single mothers by any means.