single mother difficulty meeting single men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has got to be a troll. any woman who doesn't weigh 300 lbs.can easily have a handful of men at her whim without even trying.

The odds may be good but the goods may be odd. The guys coming on to her may be okay for a short-term thing but not so much a long-term thing.

[Anonymous]

If you are looking to date, I think you are going to have to be flexible. Guys who don't have kids might not understand the difficulties/expense for you to meet up with them. Be sure to have a good babysitter on call and be prepared that it might cost you some money (for the babysitting) to go out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies, if you're thinking about divorce, keep in mind:

1. No man wants to raise (or deal with, or see, or hear) some other man's spawn.

2. You're a lot less physically attractive than you were before you got married the first time. The father of your children can overlook that. Other men, not so much.

on #2, sad but true

totally disagree with both points - and I'm a divorced dad in my early 40s. single moms "get" the challenges of balancing career-kids-home and I find they are so much more real. Most anyone who has a full and meaningful life and is older than 32 won't have the body of a 20 year old - but so what. I'd much rather have a woman in her 30s or 40s, who lives a healthy and active life, has her shit together and is fun to be around, than someone who spend hours per day in the gym or working out and can't carry on a conversation beyond what's new on reality TV.

As it's obvious you've never had the pleasure of being with a mature woman (w or w/o kids) - there is nothing more sexier than a woman who is comfortable in her skin. And when you get to the bedroom, she's not hung up on silly things like the teenage fantasies you jerk off to in your mom's basement, sex is just off-the-charts.

so put the laptops away, go outside and play with your skateboards and leave the real women to the real men.

~divorced dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies, if you're thinking about divorce, keep in mind:

1. No man wants to raise (or deal with, or see, or hear) some other man's spawn.

2. You're a lot less physically attractive than you were before you got married the first time. The father of your children can overlook that. Other men, not so much.

This isn't quite true. Other, single men with children are usually OK with women who have kids.

That being said, don't get mad at childless men who are scared away by your kids. Children are scary when you don't have any, and it's honestly a lot to ask of someone who has never has children.

I'm not the "troll" poster, but he does make a very valid point about many (not all) single, childless men not wanting to raise another man's child. My first wife came with a son attached, and I would not do that again ever. Her son is a good guy, etc., etc., but the relationship dynamics are generally very skewed. There are childless guys, generally ones without so many options, who will step up, but it's a numbers game, and your pool is limited so the odds are against you.

Single fathers, on the other hand (as the PP points out) are a much much better bet, and you can find some very high quality ones. They are also true peers, as they are your equal in having kids (and aren't as susceptible to pulling the "oh, my child" trump card). This is a real issue of power dynamics, but more importantly they will "get it" when you put your kid ahead of them, and also, not be terribly hesistant to putting their kid ahead of you...which you will of course understand intuitively and not hold against them. Yes, there's some bitterness and truth in what I'm pointing out here.

On the #2 point: attractiveness - this is complete and utter BS. Plenty of moms are super-hot. The baby does not "ruin" you or make you less attractive. I know lots of childless women who are out-of-shape slobs too. That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't compare yourself to other people as they may have crap standards. If you are a loving person, love will find you.

[Anonymous]

LOL at "divorced dad" pretending to like older single moms because he can't do any better.

No doubt if you could get a hot 20 year old, you would reject her for a flabby 30-something with two squalling brats in tow.

Suuuuuuure you would, buddy, suuuuuure you would.

[Anonymous]

10:14 - I really like you.

OP, I'm in your position. It is harder to meet guys when you have a child, and at some point you'll just have to accept that. Many of my single mom friends are dating or have remarried, but many are in the same boat. Not to depress you, just to say that you're not in this alone. And yes, some of your friends got lucky and were in the right place at the right time, and some do probably have lower standards than you do, or found a guy you would have overlooked because he wasn't your type.

Hang in there. Do some more online dating - a lot of my friends have had success with this. Keep an open mind and don't narrow your pool too much with unrealistic expectations. (he must be 6'2"+. He must have a full head of hair. He must be ivy-educated. etc.) I've dated a couple of single/divorced dads and I've dated a few single, child-free guys, and it just really depends on the guy whether it will work out or not.

but yeah, a lot of guys will just assume that if you have a very young child, you are spoken for. it's because a lot of people stay together when the kids are young and don't split until they're older, so in a guy's mind, the mother of a young kid is unavailable. You may also be putting out a "taken" vibe - a friend of mine told me he just assumed for the first couple years that he knew me that I was married, because I seemed so together and not putting out a wanting-to-date vibe. (and he liked that so much that when he did find out I was single, he tried to fix me up with his friend.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL at "divorced dad" pretending to like older single moms because he can't do any better.

No doubt if you could get a hot 20 year old, you would reject her for a flabby 30-something with two squalling brats in tow.

Suuuuuuure you would, buddy, suuuuuure you would.

you should go back to supervising children at summer camp - you are so out of your league

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:14 - I really like you.

OP, I'm in your position. It is harder to meet guys when you have a child, and at some point you'll just have to accept that. Many of my single mom friends are dating or have remarried, but many are in the same boat. Not to depress you, just to say that you're not in this alone. And yes, some of your friends got lucky and were in the right place at the right time, and some do probably have lower standards than you do, or found a guy you would have overlooked because he wasn't your type.

Hang in there. Do some more online dating - a lot of my friends have had success with this. Keep an open mind and don't narrow your pool too much with unrealistic expectations. (he must be 6'2"+. He must have a full head of hair. He must be ivy-educated. etc.) I've dated a couple of single/divorced dads and I've dated a few single, child-free guys, and it just really depends on the guy whether it will work out or not.

but yeah, a lot of guys will just assume that if you have a very young child, you are spoken for. it's because a lot of people stay together when the kids are young and don't split until they're older, so in a guy's mind, the mother of a young kid is unavailable. You may also be putting out a "taken" vibe - a friend of mine told me he just assumed for the first couple years that he knew me that I was married, because I seemed so together and not putting out a wanting-to-date vibe. (and he liked that so much that when he did find out I was single, he tried to fix me up with his friend.)

10:14 here.

Exactly this. I am friends with a group of single moms and I am actually the only one who is remarried. I'm remarried to someone I was friends with when I was married. He was surprised we were getting divorced because he always thought we were really happy (apparently a lot of people thought that). I don't have a lot to suggest in the way of dating advice, but what I will say is that one of the things that has been very valuable to me is figuring out how to build a relationship with DH that is separate from my daughter. Her dad and I share custody, so on the nights she's with him, DH and I have very much enjoyed dating each other - even now that we're married. The other single moms in the group I hang out with are pretty much exclusively focused on their children. They don't really talk about anything other than their kids (and sometimes their jobs). I think they're wonderful women and moms, but I wouldn't want to date them.

There is a balance between being a person who identifies solely as a single mom and a person who remains an independent person even while having a child that you love and dote on. For most men, including the one I'm married to, they want to know you as a person before getting integrated into the broader fabric of your life. DH and I spent a lot of time getting to know each other (better) before DD became a part of our relationship, even though as someone I was already friends with, he'd actually known her since birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are single successful men who want a built in family?

Successful single men don't want a built-in family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL at "divorced dad" pretending to like older single moms because he can't do any better.

No doubt if you could get a hot 20 year old, you would reject her for a flabby 30-something with two squalling brats in tow.

Suuuuuuure you would, buddy, suuuuuure you would.

you should go back to supervising children at summer camp - you are so out of your league

+1

The twenty somethings can keep their unsatisfying and self-conscious sex. One day, you will understand what we're talking about. Until then, you make yourself look like a total moron for telling us 35-45 year olds what we're supposed to want. There's a freedom that comes with knowing what you want, how to please your partner, and not giving a damn what other people think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am attractive and just as attractive if not more so than my other friends that are married.

Nobody cares. You have major baggage, both your "built-in" family and your desperation. What successful man with options would want to run into that?

There has got to be an easier way and my child's age definitely cannot be the reson why no one has crossed my path.

Classic. Take some responsibility for yourself. "Why no one has crossed my path." Get out of here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe men shy away from you because you have kids. Sorry, but as a single mom you will have a tougher time finding a SO.

The upside is that you don't have to accept every offer of a date just because some stranger on DCUM thinks the odds are stacked against you. I know that some single moms believe their kids are baggage. I see mine as "in-flight entertainment". I'm dating a quality guy for over a year and starting to think about marriage without panicking about the loss of independence.

Uh, news flash: She's not getting date offers. Didn't you read the original post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Most men don't try to pick up a woman if she's spoken for. I'm not sure if that's cultural or biological. Maybe a baby signals that she probably has a partner?

Give me a break. A woman with a child is like the last symbol of a woman being spoken for. How many children are born to unmarried mothers? More than half?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it is hard to meet people in this area (once you're out of your twenties)

Speak for yourself.