SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Thank you for mansplaining!

How about "both parents still want a parent at home after school" as a reason for someone to still stay home? It amazes me that people are so wed to a paycheck that they think everyone should work even when they don't have to.

So. Does your husband only work the exact hours he needs to survive... or is he so wedded to a paycheck that he works more hours, away from his children, raised by a single mom.

I think you are totally missing the point. In this case, one parent doesn't WANT to work. And the other one is okay with that. This isn't a value judgment against those who work.

The mansplainer... said it makes sense for the SAHP to go back to work once the children are in school.

The defensive SAHP said that this means this couple is wedded to a paycheck. There is a reason if you want to mitigate risk for a SAHP to at least go back part time in the off chance there is an injury, illness, death or divorce. This is not really about WANTING to work or NOT WANTING to work. My teenager... does not want to work, but he is working. You can't just live off the dole. More than likely if there is an injury/illness, the family with 1 working parent will live off the dole.

"This is not really about WANTING to work or NOT WANTING to work..." Instead, it's about total strangers wanting you to work (no matter what your financial situation is and what you and your spouse have decided).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Thank you for mansplaining!

How about "both parents still want a parent at home after school" as a reason for someone to still stay home? It amazes me that people are so wed to a paycheck that they think everyone should work even when they don't have to.

So. Does your husband only work the exact hours he needs to survive... or is he so wedded to a paycheck that he works more hours, away from his children, raised by a single mom.

Well, he does not get paid by the hour. He works hard at a job he loves, but is not a workaholic or absentee dad, if that is what you're implying.

To the PP who brought up welfare, I was talking about second, unnecessary paychecks... being wedded to the idea that worth only comes from a paying job, even when you don't need the money.

But he could take a lower paying job that is more flexible and be home more with you and the children... if he really wanted to be with you and the children. The size of his paycheck is unnecessary and you seem wedded to the amount of money he makes so you can maintain your own lifestyle. It is not a working lifestyle but a lifestyle you have become accustom to living. I am not sure why some parents want 1 parent at home when the kids get home, wouldnt there be some value to having the father there sometime and the mother there sometimes and both sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Thank you for mansplaining!

How about "both parents still want a parent at home after school" as a reason for someone to still stay home? It amazes me that people are so wed to a paycheck that they think everyone should work even when they don't have to.

So. Does your husband only work the exact hours he needs to survive... or is he so wedded to a paycheck that he works more hours, away from his children, raised by a single mom.

Well, he does not get paid by the hour. He works hard at a job he loves, but is not a workaholic or absentee dad, if that is what you're implying.

To the PP who brought up welfare, I was talking about second, unnecessary paychecks... being wedded to the idea that worth only comes from a paying job, even when you don't need the money.

But he could take a lower paying job that is more flexible and be home more with you and the children... if he really wanted to be with you and the children. The size of his paycheck is unnecessary and you seem wedded to the amount of money he makes so you can maintain your own lifestyle. It is not a working lifestyle but a lifestyle you have become accustom to living. I am not sure why some parents want 1 parent at home when the kids get home, wouldnt there be some value to having the father there sometime and the mother there sometimes and both sometimes.

For us, it was much easier to have 1 high paying job than 2 not so high paying jobs. Ymmv and that is fine.

[Anonymous]

To the those who are against SAHP: Is it in your mind ok of those of us to stay home for a few years while the kids are little? If I work it would cost more in daycare, house clearer and extended daycare then I would ever be able to make right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Thank you for mansplaining!

How about "both parents still want a parent at home after school" as a reason for someone to still stay home? It amazes me that people are so wed to a paycheck that they think everyone should work even when they don't have to.

So. Does your husband only work the exact hours he needs to survive... or is he so wedded to a paycheck that he works more hours, away from his children, raised by a single mom.

I think you are totally missing the point. In this case, one parent doesn't WANT to work. And the other one is okay with that. This isn't a value judgment against those who work.

The mansplainer... said it makes sense for the SAHP to go back to work once the children are in school.

The defensive SAHP said that this means this couple is wedded to a paycheck. There is a reason if you want to mitigate risk for a SAHP to at least go back part time in the off chance there is an injury, illness, death or divorce. This is not really about WANTING to work or NOT WANTING to work. My teenager... does not want to work, but he is working. You can't just live off the dole. More than likely if there is an injury/illness, the family with 1 working parent will live off the dole.

"This is not really about WANTING to work or NOT WANTING to work..." Instead, it's about total strangers wanting you to work (no matter what your financial situation is and what you and your spouse have decided).

It's not really about WANTING or NOT WANTING to work.. it is about managing risk. The OP wants to know how you manage this risk. Many people have managed the risk well... trust fund, savings, pre-nups. If you don't work and something happens ... are you worried? do you have long term care insurance for your spouse? do you have income to live off of if you H is in a nursing home? what is the plan. It's not about wants ... it's about how to you cover needs.

Everybody comes from an experience that shapes their viewpoint. A divorce lawyer may be a little less "trusting" than an average person, well because they see SAHM's left with nothing. or a person who had a neighbor that lost everything when their H got MS.

There are a lot of things that can go wrong. How do you manage the risk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Thank you for mansplaining!

How about "both parents still want a parent at home after school" as a reason for someone to still stay home? It amazes me that people are so wed to a paycheck that they think everyone should work even when they don't have to.

So. Does your husband only work the exact hours he needs to survive... or is he so wedded to a paycheck that he works more hours, away from his children, raised by a single mom.

Well, he does not get paid by the hour. He works hard at a job he loves, but is not a workaholic or absentee dad, if that is what you're implying.

To the PP who brought up welfare, I was talking about second, unnecessary paychecks... being wedded to the idea that worth only comes from a paying job, even when you don't need the money.

But he could take a lower paying job that is more flexible and be home more with you and the children... if he really wanted to be with you and the children. The size of his paycheck is unnecessary and you seem wedded to the amount of money he makes so you can maintain your own lifestyle. It is not a working lifestyle but a lifestyle you have become accustom to living. I am not sure why some parents want 1 parent at home when the kids get home, wouldnt there be some value to having the father there sometime and the mother there sometimes and both sometimes.

My husband did this. He had a very nice high paying job downtown, but the commute was nuts. He saw the kids for an hour a night. He found something with a 20 minute commute for less pay and loves having more hours with us. It was really worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Thank you for mansplaining!

How about "both parents still want a parent at home after school" as a reason for someone to still stay home? It amazes me that people are so wed to a paycheck that they think everyone should work even when they don't have to.

So. Does your husband only work the exact hours he needs to survive... or is he so wedded to a paycheck that he works more hours, away from his children, raised by a single mom.

Well, he does not get paid by the hour. He works hard at a job he loves, but is not a workaholic or absentee dad, if that is what you're implying.

To the PP who brought up welfare, I was talking about second, unnecessary paychecks... being wedded to the idea that worth only comes from a paying job, even when you don't need the money.

But he could take a lower paying job that is more flexible and be home more with you and the children... if he really wanted to be with you and the children. The size of his paycheck is unnecessary and you seem wedded to the amount of money he makes so you can maintain your own lifestyle. It is not a working lifestyle but a lifestyle you have become accustom to living. I am not sure why some parents want 1 parent at home when the kids get home, wouldnt there be some value to having the father there sometime and the mother there sometimes and both sometimes.

For us, it was much easier to have 1 high paying job than 2 not so high paying jobs. Ymmv and that is fine.

So the answer is you don't worry and it is just plain easier. If shit hits the fan you will deal with it then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the those who are against SAHP: Is it in your mind ok of those of us to stay home for a few years while the kids are little? If I work it would cost more in daycare, house clearer and extended daycare then I would ever be able to make right now.

Why do you think it matters what they think???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the those who are against SAHP: Is it in your mind ok of those of us to stay home for a few years while the kids are little? If I work it would cost more in daycare, house clearer and extended daycare then I would ever be able to make right now.

as is said again and again and again - it isn't about covering daycare. It's about retirement, future earning potentials, 401k contributions, resume gaps, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Thank you for mansplaining!

How about "both parents still want a parent at home after school" as a reason for someone to still stay home? It amazes me that people are so wed to a paycheck that they think everyone should work even when they don't have to.

So. Does your husband only work the exact hours he needs to survive... or is he so wedded to a paycheck that he works more hours, away from his children, raised by a single mom.

Well, he does not get paid by the hour. He works hard at a job he loves, but is not a workaholic or absentee dad, if that is what you're implying.

To the PP who brought up welfare, I was talking about second, unnecessary paychecks... being wedded to the idea that worth only comes from a paying job, even when you don't need the money.

But he could take a lower paying job that is more flexible and be home more with you and the children... if he really wanted to be with you and the children. The size of his paycheck is unnecessary and you seem wedded to the amount of money he makes so you can maintain your own lifestyle. It is not a working lifestyle but a lifestyle you have become accustom to living. I am not sure why some parents want 1 parent at home when the kids get home, wouldnt there be some value to having the father there sometime and the mother there sometimes and both sometimes.

For us, it was much easier to have 1 high paying job than 2 not so high paying jobs. Ymmv and that is fine.

Easier for you. Guess your husband has no vote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. He should worry about me leaving him. And, I make sure some money dissapears into an account every month.

But, neither of us is worried. I am just prepared.

Me, too. I'm (DH) actually the one with a financial/earning capacity advantage over my DH and I am well aware of how screwed he'd be if I left him. When you have that kind of imbalance in the relationship, I don't see how it could not be a worry unless you were naive. There's no way I would ever feel comfortable being financially dependent on my spouse.

I'm DW. Sorry. This is why you shouldn't DCUM without coffee.

I just assumed you were a gay couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Thank you for mansplaining!

How about "both parents still want a parent at home after school" as a reason for someone to still stay home? It amazes me that people are so wed to a paycheck that they think everyone should work even when they don't have to.

So. Does your husband only work the exact hours he needs to survive... or is he so wedded to a paycheck that he works more hours, away from his children, raised by a single mom.

Well, he does not get paid by the hour. He works hard at a job he loves, but is not a workaholic or absentee dad, if that is what you're implying.

To the PP who brought up welfare, I was talking about second, unnecessary paychecks... being wedded to the idea that worth only comes from a paying job, even when you don't need the money.

But he could take a lower paying job that is more flexible and be home more with you and the children... if he really wanted to be with you and the children. The size of his paycheck is unnecessary and you seem wedded to the amount of money he makes so you can maintain your own lifestyle. It is not a working lifestyle but a lifestyle you have become accustom to living. I am not sure why some parents want 1 parent at home when the kids get home, wouldnt there be some value to having the father there sometime and the mother there sometimes and both sometimes.

For us, it was much easier to have 1 high paying job than 2 not so high paying jobs. Ymmv and that is fine.

So the answer is you don't worry and it is just plain easier. If shit hits the fan you will deal with it then.

Correct. I will just deal with it. I don't worry. We have lots of insurance. We have significant assets. I have my own money. I have marketable skills. I have plenty of money to go back to school and retrain if I want. I have parents and siblings who would be willing to help and who are in a position to help. I worry about a lot of things. This isn't one of them. If I was that worried, I would have continued to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Thank you for mansplaining!

How about "both parents still want a parent at home after school" as a reason for someone to still stay home? It amazes me that people are so wed to a paycheck that they think everyone should work even when they don't have to.

So. Does your husband only work the exact hours he needs to survive... or is he so wedded to a paycheck that he works more hours, away from his children, raised by a single mom.

Well, he does not get paid by the hour. He works hard at a job he loves, but is not a workaholic or absentee dad, if that is what you're implying.

To the PP who brought up welfare, I was talking about second, unnecessary paychecks... being wedded to the idea that worth only comes from a paying job, even when you don't need the money.

But he could take a lower paying job that is more flexible and be home more with you and the children... if he really wanted to be with you and the children. The size of his paycheck is unnecessary and you seem wedded to the amount of money he makes so you can maintain your own lifestyle. It is not a working lifestyle but a lifestyle you have become accustom to living. I am not sure why some parents want 1 parent at home when the kids get home, wouldnt there be some value to having the father there sometime and the mother there sometimes and both sometimes.

He did this already. Thankfully, he still makes enough that I can stay at home, which is what we both want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Thank you for mansplaining!

How about "both parents still want a parent at home after school" as a reason for someone to still stay home? It amazes me that people are so wed to a paycheck that they think everyone should work even when they don't have to.

So. Does your husband only work the exact hours he needs to survive... or is he so wedded to a paycheck that he works more hours, away from his children, raised by a single mom.

Well, he does not get paid by the hour. He works hard at a job he loves, but is not a workaholic or absentee dad, if that is what you're implying.

To the PP who brought up welfare, I was talking about second, unnecessary paychecks... being wedded to the idea that worth only comes from a paying job, even when you don't need the money.

But he could take a lower paying job that is more flexible and be home more with you and the children... if he really wanted to be with you and the children. The size of his paycheck is unnecessary and you seem wedded to the amount of money he makes so you can maintain your own lifestyle. It is not a working lifestyle but a lifestyle you have become accustom to living. I am not sure why some parents want 1 parent at home when the kids get home, wouldnt there be some value to having the father there sometime and the mother there sometimes and both sometimes.

For us, it was much easier to have 1 high paying job than 2 not so high paying jobs. Ymmv and that is fine.

Easier for you. Guess your husband has no vote.

Sure he does. He voted for me to stay home. If at any time he wasn't comfortable with it, I would get my butt back to work. We have a marriage full of respect and trust. He views me as equal, regardless of my employment status. Sounds like some of you are in a different type of marriage if you can't imagine a scenario like this. I probably would keep working if I had your marriage. It is the smart thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the those who are against SAHP: Is it in your mind ok of those of us to stay home for a few years while the kids are little? If I work it would cost more in daycare, house clearer and extended daycare then I would ever be able to make right now.

as is said again and again and again - it isn't about covering daycare. It's about retirement, future earning potentials, 401k contributions, resume gaps, etc.

Sometimes when you are looking so far into the future you forget to see what is right in front of you.