S/o How can you minimize the chance your kid will get into drugs in high school?

[Anonymous]

Regular drug testing has been the most effective thing I have done for my daughter. I order Icups in bulk off the internet; they are about $9 each when purchased that way. Because she does opiates and they wash out quickly, I have to do it twice a week. You wouldn't need to do nearly so often for marijuana--more like every two weeks. A month ago I went on a long business trip and she used cash she got for her birthday to relapse as her chronic pain, still not dx'ed, flared up again.

I had pre-arranged for a contingency if she relapsed. She is now going to an outpatient program at Aquila Recovery in NW DC. She is early in the treatment and we're off to a rocky start as she has had to miss a couple of meetings because of health emergencies. They are in regular contact with me and have told me from the start they think she is a better candidate for inpatient. But they are willing to try to work with her given her bad experience at inpatient and her refusal to go inpatient. (Catch them under 18 and they don't have a choice.)

I'll see how this works out--Aquila seems much better than Kolmac. The latter is very one size fits all, and puts all the opiate users on suboxone, itself addictive. Aquila has much smaller groups and far fewer really hardened drug users. They will use decreasing amounts of Suboxone to wean off, but favor naltrexone (Vivitrol shots), which is not addictive. She knows she'll have to go inpatient if she can't make Aquila work. Previous research was very discouraging for a place that really seemed to have a handle on both drug and mental issues, let alone her medical issues--which is why last time I hired an interventionist who placed her in a rehab that kicked her out because they couldn't handle the mental issues. I would have done better just putting her at Father Martin's. Aquila has said they will help me research new options.

She sees a psychiatrist now that she likes, but I am not particularly happy with--too many drugs , one of which require more drugs to counter side effects. And I am surprised the psychiatrist doesn't recommend therapy; she just sees her every week. One of her friends has spoken very positively about Dr. Robert Dupont in Rockville.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And for God's sake, OP, don't lead with this "I know I'm a prude" nonsense. You are already coming from a place of weakness when you think that way, and essentially give your kids the idea that if they don't do drugs, they'll be prudes, too. Come from a position of strength. I never tried an illegal drug. I'm not self-righteous about it, but it's a fact. It was against the law, I didn't want to mess with my brain, etc. Help them to know that saying no is something to be proud of.

I totally agree with this. It is illegal for my kids to drink or use drugs. Full stop. That's how I approach this issue. I would never tacitly or openly condone shoplifting or look the other way if my kids were doing it. As far as I'm concerned, drinking is no different. It's against the law.

The stats are very clear that the older kids are before they drink or use drugs, the lower the risk of drug or alcohol abuse. My goal is to help delay their exposure for as long as I can. (It is also not true that kids who delay drinking are more likely to "let loose" in college--research shows exactly the opposite is true.) I myself did not drink until I went to college, so I know it's not an impossible goal. Will I be shocked if my teen drinks? No, but you can be damn sure I won't be happy about it--and he will know that, too.

+1

There's nothing "inevitable" about a high school student experimenting with alcohol or drugs. Will they have the opportunity? Almost certainly. Will they choose to try it? That part is far from inevitable, and it is largely influenced by the messages they've received at home from their parents over time.

Those messages don't necessarily have to involve intense or heavy conversations. At least in our house they weren't. It was just a clear expectation among many others. We were expected to work hard at school, do our best, stay busy with sports and other activities, be good to each other, and make good choices, including steering clear of illegal things like drugs and alcohol.

Specifically, I definitely took in the message that drugs were illegal, unpredictable and could possibly mess with my brain. Even if my friends were fine, that was no guarantee I would be. That message made complete sense to me. Drugs (including pot) were not a risk I was interested in taking, either in high school or later on.

As for drinking, I somehow grew up seeing that as something I would not do in high school. Again, not a heavy message in our house. Just a clear mindset I picked up that drinking was something I might try when I went to college, not before. It wasn't a big deal. I saw plenty of peers drinking in high school -- I went to the same parties, but I just chose not to "party" that way. Not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just an FYI, my son asked to try weed at home the summer before 12th grade. I initially said no, then during Christmas break bought weed from someone I know who grows and we made pot brownies which he ate at home. He found it very anti-climactic and didn't do it again.

Oh. My. Lord. This is what Robert Downey Jr.'s dad did with him! Guess that didn't work out so well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And for God's sake, OP, don't lead with this "I know I'm a prude" nonsense. You are already coming from a place of weakness when you think that way, and essentially give your kids the idea that if they don't do drugs, they'll be prudes, too. Come from a position of strength. I never tried an illegal drug. I'm not self-righteous about it, but it's a fact. It was against the law, I didn't want to mess with my brain, etc. Help them to know that saying no is something to be proud of.

I totally agree with this. It is illegal for my kids to drink or use drugs. Full stop. That's how I approach this issue. I would never tacitly or openly condone shoplifting or look the other way if my kids were doing it. As far as I'm concerned, drinking is no different. It's against the law.

The stats are very clear that the older kids are before they drink or use drugs, the lower the risk of drug or alcohol abuse. My goal is to help delay their exposure for as long as I can. (It is also not true that kids who delay drinking are more likely to "let loose" in college--research shows exactly the opposite is true.) I myself did not drink until I went to college, so I know it's not an impossible goal. Will I be shocked if my teen drinks? No, but you can be damn sure I won't be happy about it--and he will know that, too.

+1

There's nothing "inevitable" about a high school student experimenting with alcohol or drugs. Will they have the opportunity? Almost certainly. Will they choose to try it? That part is far from inevitable, and it is largely influenced by the messages they've received at home from their parents over time.

Those messages don't necessarily have to involve intense or heavy conversations. At least in our house they weren't. It was just a clear expectation among many others. We were expected to work hard at school, do our best, stay busy with sports and other activities, be good to each other, and make good choices, including steering clear of illegal things like drugs and alcohol.

Specifically, I definitely took in the message that drugs were illegal, unpredictable and could possibly mess with my brain. Even if my friends were fine, that was no guarantee I would be. That message made complete sense to me. Drugs (including pot) were not a risk I was interested in taking, either in high school or later on.

As for drinking, I somehow grew up seeing that as something I would not do in high school. Again, not a heavy message in our house. Just a clear mindset I picked up that drinking was something I might try when I went to college, not before. It wasn't a big deal. I saw plenty of peers drinking in high school -- I went to the same parties, but I just chose not to "party" that way. Not a big deal.

Some good posts here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regular drug testing has been the most effective thing I have done for my daughter. I order Icups in bulk off the internet; they are about $9 each when purchased that way. Because she does opiates and they wash out quickly, I have to do it twice a week. You wouldn't need to do nearly so often for marijuana--more like every two weeks. A month ago I went on a long business trip and she used cash she got for her birthday to relapse as her chronic pain, still not dx'ed, flared up again.

I had pre-arranged for a contingency if she relapsed. She is now going to an outpatient program at Aquila Recovery in NW DC. She is early in the treatment and we're off to a rocky start as she has had to miss a couple of meetings because of health emergencies. They are in regular contact with me and have told me from the start they think she is a better candidate for inpatient. But they are willing to try to work with her given her bad experience at inpatient and her refusal to go inpatient. (Catch them under 18 and they don't have a choice.)

I'll see how this works out--Aquila seems much better than Kolmac. The latter is very one size fits all, and puts all the opiate users on suboxone, itself addictive. Aquila has much smaller groups and far fewer really hardened drug users. They will use decreasing amounts of Suboxone to wean off, but favor naltrexone (Vivitrol shots), which is not addictive. She knows she'll have to go inpatient if she can't make Aquila work. Previous research was very discouraging for a place that really seemed to have a handle on both drug and mental issues, let alone her medical issues--which is why last time I hired an interventionist who placed her in a rehab that kicked her out because they couldn't handle the mental issues. I would have done better just putting her at Father Martin's. Aquila has said they will help me research new options.

She sees a psychiatrist now that she likes, but I am not particularly happy with--too many drugs , one of which require more drugs to counter side effects. And I am surprised the psychiatrist doesn't recommend therapy; she just sees her every week. One of her friends has spoken very positively about Dr. Robert Dupont in Rockville.

Thank you. Hope it goes well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1

There's nothing "inevitable" about a high school student experimenting with alcohol or drugs. Will they have the opportunity? Almost certainly. Will they choose to try it? That part is far from inevitable, and it is largely influenced by the messages they've received at home from their parents over time.

Those messages don't necessarily have to involve intense or heavy conversations. At least in our house they weren't. It was just a clear expectation among many others. We were expected to work hard at school, do our best, stay busy with sports and other activities, be good to each other, and make good choices, including steering clear of illegal things like drugs and alcohol.

Specifically, I definitely took in the message that drugs were illegal, unpredictable and could possibly mess with my brain. Even if my friends were fine, that was no guarantee I would be. That message made complete sense to me. Drugs (including pot) were not a risk I was interested in taking, either in high school or later on.

As for drinking, I somehow grew up seeing that as something I would not do in high school. Again, not a heavy message in our house. Just a clear mindset I picked up that drinking was something I might try when I went to college, not before. It wasn't a big deal. I saw plenty of peers drinking in high school -- I went to the same parties, but I just chose not to "party" that way. Not a big deal.

This is where I think everyone is wrong. The vast majority of parents will convey the message that drugs and alcohol are wrong. And yet most kids do experiment with alcohol and/or drugs. Its important to distinguish between the kids who experiment and the kids who go on to have addiction issues. Most kids who experiment do not become addicts. If you took a poll of posters on this thread, most of us tried drinking and getting high as teens, most of us didn't become addicts. I certainly grew up with the message from my parents that it was wrong. Who didn't?

There's a lot of wishful thinking here about how if you are only a fabulous parent your child will never experiment. This is just ridiculous. Sure, not all teens dabble -- my DH never did. But the statistics are there, most kids at least try drinking.

There are two problems with this idea that if you just tell them no, they won't. (1) you end up blaming the parents of the kids who do experiment. There's lots of that in this thread -- look at those kids, they must have negligent parents. remember that when its your own kids. (2) you shut down conversation, which is the greatest form of protection there is.

Sure I told DD that it was wrong and why. She got that message. But I also talked to her about safety. And as a result she's come to me to talk about certain situations and I feel very confident that she has learned how to be responsible and has not gone beyond sticking her toes in the water.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1

There's nothing "inevitable" about a high school student experimenting with alcohol or drugs. Will they have the opportunity? Almost certainly. Will they choose to try it? That part is far from inevitable, and it is largely influenced by the messages they've received at home from their parents over time.

Those messages don't necessarily have to involve intense or heavy conversations. At least in our house they weren't. It was just a clear expectation among many others. We were expected to work hard at school, do our best, stay busy with sports and other activities, be good to each other, and make good choices, including steering clear of illegal things like drugs and alcohol.

Specifically, I definitely took in the message that drugs were illegal, unpredictable and could possibly mess with my brain. Even if my friends were fine, that was no guarantee I would be. That message made complete sense to me. Drugs (including pot) were not a risk I was interested in taking, either in high school or later on.

As for drinking, I somehow grew up seeing that as something I would not do in high school. Again, not a heavy message in our house. Just a clear mindset I picked up that drinking was something I might try when I went to college, not before. It wasn't a big deal. I saw plenty of peers drinking in high school -- I went to the same parties, but I just chose not to "party" that way. Not a big deal.

This is where I think everyone is wrong. The vast majority of parents will convey the message that drugs and alcohol are wrong. And yet most kids do experiment with alcohol and/or drugs. Its important to distinguish between the kids who experiment and the kids who go on to have addiction issues. Most kids who experiment do not become addicts. If you took a poll of posters on this thread, most of us tried drinking and getting high as teens, most of us didn't become addicts. I certainly grew up with the message from my parents that it was wrong. Who didn't?

There's a lot of wishful thinking here about how if you are only a fabulous parent your child will never experiment. This is just ridiculous. Sure, not all teens dabble -- my DH never did. But the statistics are there, most kids at least try drinking.

There are two problems with this idea that if you just tell them no, they won't. (1) you end up blaming the parents of the kids who do experiment. There's lots of that in this thread -- look at those kids, they must have negligent parents. remember that when its your own kids. (2) you shut down conversation, which is the greatest form of protection there is.

Sure I told DD that it was wrong and why. She got that message. But I also talked to her about safety. And as a result she's come to me to talk about certain situations and I feel very confident that she has learned how to be responsible and has not gone beyond sticking her toes in the water.

I think you're misinterpreting a good deal of what you're seeing here. No one in this thread has said if they're a fabulous parent their child will never experiment with drugs and alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Most kids do dabble, but only some find their way to addiction. No research I know of tells you why this happens beyond the obvious like an abusive or neglectful childhood. My child, a churchgoing, soccer playing, Johns Hopkins Gifted and Talented student with many friends found her way to the wrong path. My husband and I don't do drugs and drink only occasionally socially-- we have no alcohol in the house.

One can think in hindsight of many what ifs, but usually they are a stretch; it may sound ludicrous but I sometimes fault myself for treating her acne too casually when it first appeared instead of as a medical emergency; it took me several years to understand just how devastating it was to her ego. What if I had taken her to the most aggressive dermatologist in the city immediately? (Probably wouldn't have helped--after three Accutane failures it turned out to be a hormonal problem not commonly looked for in teens that was easily solved by a far less toxic medication.)

I go to Naranon (like Alanon for narcotics) and it is full of parents in the same befuddling situation. Some of them can identify a trigger like the death of a friend, but most of them can't. Sadly, any one of you could be one of us; if you are not consider thanking God or your higher power every day for that. Naranon is big on the three Cs: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

[Anonymous]

Have to warn you, I was a good kid. Active in religion, active in dance, really excelled at dance, became a student teacher at the dance school at around 15. Two parents at home at that time, had a stay at home mom. Still found opportunities to try pot as a kid. Didn't like it. But whenever kids are out in the neighborhood or at another house without parental supervision, opportunities for trouble will arise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have to warn you, I was a good kid. Active in religion, active in dance, really excelled at dance, became a student teacher at the dance school at around 15. Two parents at home at that time, had a stay at home mom. Still found opportunities to try pot as a kid. Didn't like it. But whenever kids are out in the neighborhood or at another house without parental supervision, opportunities for trouble will arise.

The question is get into drugs vs try. I bet there are a lot of houses without parental supervision in the low ses dominated schools.

When I was growing up it was known that the kids who lived in the apartments were home alone after school cause the parents had to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most kids do dabble, but only some find their way to addiction. No research I know of tells you why this happens beyond the obvious like an abusive or neglectful childhood. My child, a churchgoing, soccer playing, Johns Hopkins Gifted and Talented student with many friends found her way to the wrong path. My husband and I don't do drugs and drink only occasionally socially-- we have no alcohol in the house.

One can think in hindsight of many what ifs, but usually they are a stretch; it may sound ludicrous but I sometimes fault myself for treating her acne too casually when it first appeared instead of as a medical emergency; it took me several years to understand just how devastating it was to her ego. What if I had taken her to the most aggressive dermatologist in the city immediately? (Probably wouldn't have helped--after three Accutane failures it turned out to be a hormonal problem not commonly looked for in teens that was easily solved by a far less toxic medication.)

I go to Naranon (like Alanon for narcotics) and it is full of parents in the same befuddling situation. Some of them can identify a trigger like the death of a friend, but most of them can't. Sadly, any one of you could be one of us; if you are not consider thanking God or your higher power every day for that. Naranon is big on the three Cs: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

Thank you for sharing this story. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really one of many parents' worst fears. One small point regarding the acne: early intervention and best medical care $$ can buy hasn't helped in our DS's situation. It's been 8 years of acne. Fortunately he's dealing with it ok but it definitely had me worried.

[Anonymous]

I with I had addressed some self esteem issues with my DS more aggressively. He is fairly well liked and nobody on the outside would realize the pain he is in. He has ADHD and while he has many friends, he is constantly put down for his impulsive actions. He is extremely sensitive and even a friendly joke about something like smelling bad after gym class or someone commenting on bad breath hurts him internally. He has told me that smoking weed makes him feel likes he fits in. Like I said on the outside he looked fairly popular and nobody would guess the private pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have to warn you, I was a good kid. Active in religion, active in dance, really excelled at dance, became a student teacher at the dance school at around 15. Two parents at home at that time, had a stay at home mom. Still found opportunities to try pot as a kid. Didn't like it. But whenever kids are out in the neighborhood or at another house without parental supervision, opportunities for trouble will arise.

The question is get into drugs vs try. I bet there are a lot of houses without parental supervision in the low ses dominated schools.

When I was growing up it was known that the kids who lived in the apartments were home alone after school cause the parents had to work.

I was also high SES. And you are correct, it was "try" for me, not "get into". But I could easily see how someone could try it, like it, and get hooked. I got very lucky that I didn't fall under an even worse influence, and harder drugs.

I think parents have to remain hyper vigilant and even then, as a parent you only have so much control and influence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think parents have to remain hyper vigilant and even then, as a parent you only have so much control and influence.

We lay the foundation as they are growing up and hope they will use that to make good decisions as teens. PP was right on the money.

[Anonymous]

My mom told me I could try any drug I wanted to, under one condition. That I try it with her. Well, that took care of any desire I might have ever had to try anything. (since she trusted me enough to let me try, I wouldn't abuse that trust by trying it without meeting her condition. But no way was I going to try it with her.)