Mothers - How many sex partners would you want your daughter to have prior to marriage?

[Anonymous]

No judgements? Ha!

You can't even comprehend the idea of having sex for the right reasons vs wrong reasons. Your question has been answered, just not in your preferred, concrete manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The truth is that sex is about emotions. You can't put numbers on that. Also, some people bond sexually on a deeper level than others. As DH says, women can be predatory too. Women and men can be both monogamous and polygamous.

Where feelings are involved -- for a person who gives his/her heart like myself and DH -- it's best to limit partners. We both have numbers in the single digits, and we've been together for nearly two decades now.

We we've both had experience with "players," people who cheat but treat monogamous partners as security blankets. Bad experiences all around.

The greater goal is to teach sexual ethics. There's nothing wrong with being a "slut" if you're sexually responsible, use protection and don't use partners who seek an exclusive relationship. However, it's best to wait until both partners are of legal age so that they get the nuances of birth control and STD protection.

Also, sexual orientation is not only about partners but about one's identity. Trying another orientation that doesn't fit one's psyche is stupid, a "user" move, and emotionally damaging to both partners.

The goal is to teach respect, both of oneself and of one's partners, but sex isn't about numbers, it's about relationships.

Thoughtful post, thanks.

OP here - I think that exploring sexual orientation its healthy actually. If you have questions, answer them.

Can you tell me why you think there is nothing wrong with being a "slut" as you put it?

If sex is about relationships and not numbers as you say - how could someone with 50 partners at age 25 have the relationships to go with the experience?

"Slut" is a sexist stereotype of non-monogamous women that keeps us all down. If a woman has multiple partners responsibly and ethically, I have no problem being friends with her simply because I'm monogamous. We may have different sex/relationship goals, but we have the same other goals: equality politically, socially and economically. Not all promiscuous women want to break up other relationships. They just don't want to be tied down. That experience is valid and I don't feel the need to judge.

As for "exploring" orientations, that's O.K. if a person genuinely has those feelings, but most of us are clearly straight or gay and know it by high school. They don't need to explore because they know who they are. They shouldn't use others just out of curiosity. Not knowing is O.K., too, as long as such explorations involve letting the partner know that s/he's just exploring. Using protection is absolutely paramount in such situations because they often involve high risk sex, both physically and emotionally. Mindlessly giving someone else a disease is crazy and cruel in this day and age, when people can prevent the spread of chronic, potentially life threatening illnesses.

No, volume is not the goal here. Staying true to one's identity and experiencing mutual respect with partners, whatever the number, is the goal.

Ideally, sex is about the expression of love, not the exploitation of another human being.

thanks again for the thoughtful post.

you said you'd be friends with a woman you described but would you want that for your daughter?

would you be concerned if your daughter said at 22 she had had 22 sexual partners? even if she assured you she had taken all precautions and had feelings for the guys?

If a mom had a DD who had 22 partners by 22, that would be a negligent mom of an abused DD. An attentive mom has open communication with DD, protects her intensely in high school when exploitative experiences are most possible and can have the most detrimental impact, keeps strong communication with her child in college because yes, college aged kids are still adolescents exiting childhood. Just remember how many seniors at college graduation marveled "have you noticed how young the freshmen are?"

My job as parent is to guide and protect my kids through adolescents, especially from predatory peers and adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2-5
Start 17-19

What do you think when other posters say that basically infinity is ok?

That they are crazy/dumb. But to be honest, I don't care what they or their daughters do. However, it absolutely is my business how many men my daughters have slept with. Not every number is good for them.

[Anonymous]

I don't care how many she has, only that she's careful and confident and learns what she likes. I would be very concerned if she revealed that she was still a virgin on her wedding day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As for myself, I've slept with about 11-12 people, including my husband. I started around 16yo (the norm among my friends) and nowI'm 36yo.

Some of the PPs are saying they'd like their children to sleep with as few as a couple people or have couple serious relationships before marriage. That makes me think about everything I would have missed out on if I stopped after my first two sexual relationships.

I learned some thing about myself or about sex from almost all of them: one was limp in bed but an amazing kisser, one or two were kind of kinky, with one I had amazing physical chemistry with but he turned out kind of nuts so I learned not to fall in love with the physical chemistry, one could spends hours going down on me and thus taught me something about how far someone will go to show me pleasure, one introduced me to amazing anal sex, I learned to love giving blowjobs with another ......

Obviously you're not a parent because you didn't answer the call of the question. With all due respect, you sound very naive about the psychiatric aspects of sex and relationships. You focus merely on the sex, not the emotions. After you've been pregnant a couple of times and married a little longer, you'll understand what the rest of us mean.

Also, just because I had a few fewer partners than you didn't mean I didn't have relationships. I took it slower. As for mechanics and positions, all married couples explore these, especially when keeping foreplay interesting in the TTC phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an Indian mom. I hope my daughter views having sex as a something that requires serious thinking. I have an open dialog with her about the pros and cons about having sexual partners and she knows that I do not hold the view that virginity for the sake of virginity is important.

If I was shown evidence that having tons of sexual partners actually allowed people to be mature and smart about picking up life-partners, I would perhaps change my mind. However, I see that having prior relationships do not make people more mature about their marriages. So, except for physical gratification I do not see the point of pre-marital sex.

In any case, I think school is too young. Maybe early 20s or when they are on a clear career path?

+1! From a non-Indian mom who likes your thinking.

[Anonymous]

And I have to say that it is really crazy to me that some are saying there's something wrong with having double digit numbers in your early twenties. IMO, whether you have a "high" number or not mostly depends on luck and when you met your future husband.

Would you feel the same about your sons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the question about how many partners daughters have? If you're a straight male, you're going to be banging someone's daughter so what's with giving a shit about numbers and all? Worry about yourself.

Sounds like slut defense.

Sounds like a homosexual, which is fine but why do you care what straight people do? It has nothing to do with you.

Homophobia has no place on this thread or this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I have to say that it is really crazy to me that some are saying there's something wrong with having double digit numbers in your early twenties. IMO, whether you have a "high" number or not mostly depends on luck and when you met your future husband.

Would you feel the same about your sons?

Yes I do. As I said in a prior post, it's about people and emotions. This goes for men and women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I have to say that it is really crazy to me that some are saying there's something wrong with having double digit numbers in your early twenties. IMO, whether you have a "high" number or not mostly depends on luck and when you met your future husband.

Would you feel the same about your sons?

I don't have any sons, but I wouldn't feel the same about sons. I would like their numbers to be higher. Not much higher, but higher, as, say, 4-8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No judgements? Ha!

You can't even comprehend the idea of having sex for the right reasons vs wrong reasons. Your question has been answered, just not in your preferred, concrete manner.

OP here - as you can see - I am not the only one interested in this question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As many or as few as my daughter (or my son, for that matter) wanted to have while staying safe and healthy, physically, mentally and emotionally. In our family, we don't slut-shame.

so 100 would be ok if she felt safe and healthy?

Sure. Honestly, I think 100 wouldn't even be that high if you end up marrying late like late thirties, early forties. Some people have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding the one.

[Anonymous]

Virgin until wedding night. That's ideal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No judgements? Ha!

You can't even comprehend the idea of having sex for the right reasons vs wrong reasons. Your question has been answered, just not in your preferred, concrete manner.

OP here - as you can see - I am not the only one interested in this question

Yes, there are many of you who sound more like rabbits than human beings with the capacity to think and have committed relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And 17 would be a good age to start.

Right, and at least one of the 17 should be with another woman.

You could not pay me enough money to go down on another woman. Gross.