Reply to S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Despite the inflammatory title this thread is meant to pose a serious question to people in otherwise happy marriages who are denying sex more than 8-10 times per year to their spouses.  What would you consider an appropriate and respectful expression of your husband or wife's sexuality?  Do you encourage him or her to seek other outlets?  If you know the lack makes your partner chronically unhappy what makes you certain that person will stay?  I would really like to get the Withholding Spouse perspective.  [/quote]

OP, I feel your pain. I am a very sexual DW and I am often disappointed by my DH's lack of passion, creativity and frankly, quantity/quality in our sex life. So I am not at all a WS, but let me answer based on what I imagine the WS feels, with help from my many frequent communications with my own slightly WS.

First of all, prob quite often WS does not get what the big deal is. No matter how u say it, write it, sign it, get a counselor to explain it, and so on. It is like the person who just naturally never cared for desserts cannot comprehend the need of another person to drive 20 miles past several bakeries for a particular cupcake. If my friend insisted upon laborious, lengthy cupcake sourcing, I may or may not humor him/her occasionally, but I certainly would not initiate it. And if our friendship hinged upon me willingly becoming a cupcake fiend...hmmm...that may present a problem because the gap between my enjoyment of cupcakes and my friend's is quite great. Same thing for sex, except it is  commonly held thinking that sex, unlike cupcake eating, is an essential definition of a relationship.

I think that if the WS is otherwise a responsive partner (and no one is perfectly responsive), one must assume that the WS does not truly comprehend how chronically unhappy the sex starved spouse is.

I think that this goodwill assumption is CRITICAL to then accepting the WS's spouses answers to the above questions.

So if you do indeed have an otherwise happy, compatible marriage, the WS may feel like u can live without or adapt to significantly less cupcake-obssessing/sex. After all, look at how companionate and fulfilling the marriage is otherwise. And the WS has some disappointments in you as well. Who seeks perfection in marriage? [/quote]

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