Do you wish you had your children younger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't actually know anyone who "chose" to wait more than a couple of years after marrying to have kids, and most of them didn't wait more than a couple years to marry once they found the guy. So let's drop that BS right now about choosing our careers over kids in our child-bearing years. Most of us had babies late because we had to, not because we chose to. The alternative would have been to have babies as single moms (which sets off the smug married types) or marry the wrong guy just to have kids, which drives the "should I divorce my asshole hubby?" posts. Instead we chose to make the best of the reality we're in, and we are looking at the positives of having kids late. What the hell good does it do to sit around saying, "oh, i should have had kids at 25 so I can be a grandma by 55." ugh.

Look, having kids young is no guarantee you'll ever see your grandkids. My mother met my father at 18 or 19 and married him at 21. He was her first and only lover, and she had me at 25. And she died at 41, when I was 16. She never saw her grandkids. I might meet my grandkids or not. I could follow my mom's lead and die at 41, there's no way of knowing. Or I could live to be 86, like most of the women in my family, and see my daughter have kids or not. (she'd be 50 at that point.) "living to see my grandkids" is kind of a weird reason to have kids young or to criticize someone for not having kids young. (and frankly, that puts a lot of pressure on your kids to have their own kids. that should be a decision they make independently of you.)

Well then, let me introduce myself:
I was 26 when I met DH--he was almost 25. We married at 28 and 27. We partied, traveled, partied, lived abroad, became incredibly successfully career-wise, totally fulfilled...then when I hit 34 this was no longer everything. I had my first child at 35 and second the month after I turned 38. SO- yes we purposely waited 7 years to have kids after we were married. Luckily- I got knocked up on the first try both times.

My best friend got married at 24 and had her first at 34. My neighbors were dating since HS, married 15 years before they had their first at 37, second at 39.
There are many of us out there. The common theme amongst all of us---we are deliriously happy parents. We were all ready emotionally and financially and don't feel like we miss out on a thing. I also think none of us look our age..I am always placed in my early 30s. We run marathons, etc. My grandparents were all around into their 90s--and active. My own parents look like they are 50 at 70. They are very active with the grandkids.

DO what works for you. My siblings had their kids in their 20s and are looking forward to an empty nest soon. We kid each otehr--but I like the support of somebody that's been there, done that. I don't care when you had your kids--why do you care when I had mine.

[Anonymous]

10:04 - you missed my point. I don't care when you had kids. I don't care IF you have kids. I was responding to a few nasty posters who were leveling nasty accusations about career women who waited too long to have kids. Those accusations get tired and silly. There are plenty of young moms out there, and that's great, but for a lot of us, that just wasn't how things turned out. It's fine if you chose to have kids early - or didn't choose and had kids early anyway - but a lot of us didn't meet the guy in our 20's, or at all. I just think it's a silly myth that women should be blamed for their infertility because they "chose to wait" for too long - in most of the cases I know, it wasn't a choice, but a circumstance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:04 - you missed my point. I don't care when you had kids. I don't care IF you have kids. I was responding to a few nasty posters who were leveling nasty accusations about career women who waited too long to have kids. Those accusations get tired and silly. There are plenty of young moms out there, and that's great, but for a lot of us, that just wasn't how things turned out. It's fine if you chose to have kids early - or didn't choose and had kids early anyway - but a lot of us didn't meet the guy in our 20's, or at all. I just think it's a silly myth that women should be blamed for their infertility because they "chose to wait" for too long - in most of the cases I know, it wasn't a choice, but a circumstance.

I agree with you. I have a bad habit of posting to the wrong person. I also would much rather see somebody wait around for the right person instead of 'settling'. The most miserable b*tches out there are the ones that 'settled' early on and then want to judge the rest of us. I was lucky enough to meet my husband very young--but I did wait to have kids because I wanted to be as close to 100% sure that I wanted to have them. I got a lot of pressure for waiting. A lot of that pressure were miserable people that blindly followed societies and parental expecations of when they should have kids and procreated without thinking it through--because it was expected. I was fairly immature so it was best for me to take the time to grow before bringing kids into my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:04 - you missed my point. I don't care when you had kids. I don't care IF you have kids. I was responding to a few nasty posters who were leveling nasty accusations about career women who waited too long to have kids. Those accusations get tired and silly. There are plenty of young moms out there, and that's great, but for a lot of us, that just wasn't how things turned out. It's fine if you chose to have kids early - or didn't choose and had kids early anyway - but a lot of us didn't meet the guy in our 20's, or at all. I just think it's a silly myth that women should be blamed for their infertility because they "chose to wait" for too long - in most of the cases I know, it wasn't a choice, but a circumstance.

Thanks for your honesty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't actually know anyone who "chose" to wait more than a couple of years after marrying to have kids, and most of them didn't wait more than a couple years to marry once they found the guy. So let's drop that BS right now about choosing our careers over kids in our child-bearing years. Most of us had babies late because we had to, not because we chose to. The alternative would have been to have babies as single moms (which sets off the smug married types) or marry the wrong guy just to have kids, which drives the "should I divorce my asshole hubby?" posts. Instead we chose to make the best of the reality we're in, and we are looking at the positives of having kids late. What the hell good does it do to sit around saying, "oh, i should have had kids at 25 so I can be a grandma by 55." ugh.

Look, having kids young is no guarantee you'll ever see your grandkids. My mother met my father at 18 or 19 and married him at 21. He was her first and only lover, and she had me at 25. And she died at 41, when I was 16. She never saw her grandkids. I might meet my grandkids or not. I could follow my mom's lead and die at 41, there's no way of knowing. Or I could live to be 86, like most of the women in my family, and see my daughter have kids or not. (she'd be 50 at that point.) "living to see my grandkids" is kind of a weird reason to have kids young or to criticize someone for not having kids young. (and frankly, that puts a lot of pressure on your kids to have their own kids. that should be a decision they make independently of you.)

Well then, let me introduce myself:
I was 26 when I met DH--he was almost 25. We married at 28 and 27. We partied, traveled, partied, lived abroad, became incredibly successfully career-wise, totally fulfilled...then when I hit 34 this was no longer everything. I had my first child at 35 and second the month after I turned 38. SO- yes we purposely waited 7 years to have kids after we were married. Luckily- I got knocked up on the first try both times.

My best friend got married at 24 and had her first at 34. My neighbors were dating since HS, married 15 years before they had their first at 37, second at 39.
There are many of us out there. The common theme amongst all of us---we are deliriously happy parents. We were all ready emotionally and financially and don't feel like we miss out on a thing. I also think none of us look our age..I am always placed in my early 30s. We run marathons, etc. My grandparents were all around into their 90s--and active. My own parents look like they are 50 at 70. They are very active with the grandkids.

DO what works for you. My siblings had their kids in their 20s and are looking forward to an empty nest soon. We kid each otehr--but I like the support of somebody that's been there, done that. I don't care when you had your kids--why do you care when I had mine.

starting past 40 is too late

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't actually know anyone who "chose" to wait more than a couple of years after marrying to have kids, and most of them didn't wait more than a couple years to marry once they found the guy. So let's drop that BS right now about choosing our careers over kids in our child-bearing years. Most of us had babies late because we had to, not because we chose to. The alternative would have been to have babies as single moms (which sets off the smug married types) or marry the wrong guy just to have kids, which drives the "should I divorce my asshole hubby?" posts. Instead we chose to make the best of the reality we're in, and we are looking at the positives of having kids late. What the hell good does it do to sit around saying, "oh, i should have had kids at 25 so I can be a grandma by 55." ugh.

Look, having kids young is no guarantee you'll ever see your grandkids. My mother met my father at 18 or 19 and married him at 21. He was her first and only lover, and she had me at 25. And she died at 41, when I was 16. She never saw her grandkids. I might meet my grandkids or not. I could follow my mom's lead and die at 41, there's no way of knowing. Or I could live to be 86, like most of the women in my family, and see my daughter have kids or not. (she'd be 50 at that point.) "living to see my grandkids" is kind of a weird reason to have kids young or to criticize someone for not having kids young. (and frankly, that puts a lot of pressure on your kids to have their own kids. that should be a decision they make independently of you.)

Well then, let me introduce myself:
I was 26 when I met DH--he was almost 25. We married at 28 and 27. We partied, traveled, partied, lived abroad, became incredibly successfully career-wise, totally fulfilled...then when I hit 34 this was no longer everything. I had my first child at 35 and second the month after I turned 38. SO- yes we purposely waited 7 years to have kids after we were married. Luckily- I got knocked up on the first try both times.

My best friend got married at 24 and had her first at 34. My neighbors were dating since HS, married 15 years before they had their first at 37, second at 39.
There are many of us out there. The common theme amongst all of us---we are deliriously happy parents. We were all ready emotionally and financially and don't feel like we miss out on a thing. I also think none of us look our age..I am always placed in my early 30s. We run marathons, etc. My grandparents were all around into their 90s--and active. My own parents look like they are 50 at 70. They are very active with the grandkids.

DO what works for you. My siblings had their kids in their 20s and are looking forward to an empty nest soon. We kid each otehr--but I like the support of somebody that's been there, done that. I don't care when you had your kids--why do you care when I had mine.

starting past 40 is too late

uhmm..nobody in that above post started past 40. I do have a great friend taht had two healthy children naturally at 41 and 42. Her and her DH are loaded---I m ean Bill Gates loaded. They met late in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
starting past 40 is too late

Too late for what? Apparently not too late to become parents.
For us, age was on the list but not near the top of issues that we considered when becoming parents. The state of our health was a bigger issue than the simple number of our age.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Could've had children in my early 20s with my ex-husband. Thank goodness, I never got pregnant. As I was crying for days over the failed marriage, I realized the only good thing about that marriage was that I did not have children. I was able to pick up and move on with my life, figure out what I wanted in life. Married again at 34 and had a baby at 37. So glad I waited to have a child with the right man. I'm just living my life and while I do have a plan I'm well aware that life happens and your plans get shot to sh*t. We would like to having another child. Though I've had a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy before I had DD at 37, I'm at peace whether it happens or not and I dont regret waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:such a weird area we live in (McLean), we're younger in our 30s with toddlers, besides the the obvious trophy wives or second wives with the original kids all the moms are old as shit.

LMAO tell me about it. I go to Mom's Group meetups and show up seeing a bunch of women MY mother's age. I mean good for them, but seriously, what do I have in common with these women besides our kids' ages.

I am 27, one toddler, done. I realize that's extremely young for this area and I'm sure people look at me like I'm a Teen Mom. I am glad that I got it out of the way and went through pregnancy when I was young and fit and bounced right back. I do have lots of energy for my DC. But I also worry that, unlike a lot of older moms, I don't have the patience that would really benefit my DC that I'd have if I were a late 30s mom. Those women really just don't give a shit. They'll sit there for hours waiting for their DC to quit dawdling. I'm too impatient.

Had I known *just how dramatic* the shift in life would be upon having a kid (I know people tell you but come on, there's just no way to know until you have one) I definitely might have waited longer. I do like the idea of my DC being graduated and out of my house when I'm only in my early 40s. It's possible I missed out on some life experiences and selfishness by having a child in my mid 20s, so maybe I'll just use that time to catch up.

Do you work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it gets a little old hearing people talk about how they needed to live their lives before having a kid at 40. You will likely die before your child is finished needing you, and not really get to have much of an experience with grandchildren. Kinda selfish to keep saying me, me, me, I traveled!! Think it, fine, but no one is impressed. You should be less worried about your energy level than the fact that you will probably miss out on a lot of DC's life, and may saddle the kid with an aging parent while he/she has young children. Just sayin', save the "I lived, and that's what's important" crap.

Wow - what a "mature" response from a young parent!

LOL!

Get over yourself.

Shit happens, fool, and you deal. Not everyone gets knocked up at 23 (or 15, according to the PP). I had no interventions - had both as one-shot deals at 37 and 41. Do you think I should regret having them so "late" in life? They're great kids who are happy and have everything they need. They attend private, which we can afford b/c we're so goddamn old, according to you, and they have activities and friends to keep them occupied. And even I have energy to take them to the park!! Imagine that! I'm 45!

I don't understand the venom, PP. Are you jealous? I work PT, have a nanny, and and OLD mother (75 - God forbid she should still drive) who steps in when there's a conflict in our schedules, as we both work.

And guess what? I have my summers off! So I'm with my children - no need for camp!!!!!

I have a good life for an old gal, no? I'm healthy, in pretty good shape (despite some urinary incontinence), and energetic.

And b/c we're so fucking old, we invested in long-term healthcare. Does that make you happy? At least my kids won't be wiping my ass and changing my diapers in the next few years.

You make me laugh, PP. You must be incredibly insecure to post such inane comments.

yawn . . . Get some rest; tomorrow is another day.

You are a great mom, we get it, you have an awesome job-yay on you.

You do realize that you will never be your mom though-she was a young mom, having you at 30? If your children follow your lead, you will not even meet your first grandchild until you are 74 and then 78. All i can say is eat healthy, keep slim, and exercise a lot. Your could be 92 when your oldest grand child graduates high school. Or maybe you will get lucky and your kids will settle down early, giving you a gift of 10 12 extra years...and even a graduation or two.

Bravo for doing some hypothetical math problems, genius.

But what does it matter to you? I am not on this earth for selfish reasons. I had both kids - unplanned. So if I'm not around when my grandkids are born, should I haunt my children from beyond the grave? THEY need to be happy - my children. There's no guarantee my kids will have children either. So while most people have kids for selfish reasons and while most parents encourage their children to pop out that first or 5th grandchild, I'm not in that boat.

I want only happiness for my kids. They were NOT put on this Earth to make me happy. YOU, however, have missed my point.

And yes, I am a good mom with a terrific job that pays well for PT work. So if that makes you angry, then re-evaluate your decisions in life. Life, after all, is not a competition. But the way some of you mourn the fact that the "older gals" may not see grandkids IS indeed competitive.

pathetic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear god, no. I was focused on graduate school, establishing my career, and establishing seniority in my field. So glad I did because that's how you establish both a satisfying career and work-life balance. I think that when you have children younger, you tend to drop out of the work force because you haven't earned enough seniority to take time off for child-related events that inevitably crop up.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Young one, allow me to break this to you.

There IS NO fountain of youth.

You, too, will develop wrinkles one day, sagging breasts (if you don't already have them) and cellulite. Come post again when you're a bit more mature, sweets, so that we can have a real discussion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:such a weird area we live in (McLean), we're younger in our 30s with toddlers, besides the the obvious trophy wives or second wives with the original kids all the moms are old as shit.

LMAO tell me about it. I go to Mom's Group meetups and show up seeing a bunch of women MY mother's age. I mean good for them, but seriously, what do I have in common with these women besides our kids' ages.

I am 27, one toddler, done. I realize that's extremely young for this area and I'm sure people look at me like I'm a Teen Mom. I am glad that I got it out of the way and went through pregnancy when I was young and fit and bounced right back. I do have lots of energy for my DC. But I also worry that, unlike a lot of older moms, I don't have the patience that would really benefit my DC that I'd have if I were a late 30s mom. Those women really just don't give a shit. They'll sit there for hours waiting for their DC to quit dawdling. I'm too impatient.

Had I known *just how dramatic* the shift in life would be upon having a kid (I know people tell you but come on, there's just no way to know until you have one) I definitely might have waited longer. I do like the idea of my DC being graduated and out of my house when I'm only in my early 40s. It's possible I missed out on some life experiences and selfishness by having a child in my mid 20s, so maybe I'll just use that time to catch up.

[Anonymous]

Yes just because I look like grandma in the school carpool line doesn't mean my daughter is not happy. She is very content. Ocasionally she sees that the other mommies are younger but, I would have to say she is mighty lucky that her old mommy had her later.

[Anonymous]

I was in a long term relationship with someone when I was 22. It was an incredibly dramatic, intense, dsyfunctional relationship. We always talked about having a baby, raising a family. While on the surface, I would agree, my rational brain was telling me "dont you dare." Thank God I didn't. We broke up (for the 15th and final time) when I was 30. I spent 5 years dating, cooking for friends, traveling and basically getting healthy. I met my husband at age 35 and I don't think I was ready to have a normal, functional, drama free relatioinship until then. Like someone else said, I wish that I had the ability to take who I am now, and travel back in time to my 30 body and have kids. But, life doesn't work out that way. I am 44 and have a 2 and 4 year old. It does make me sad that perhaps I won't grow up to see my grandkids or that my own kids wont' have as much time as their own grandparents that my nieces and nephews had. But, then I think about what my child's life would be like if I had a child with my long-term boyfriend at age 27 or 28.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:04 - you missed my point. I don't care when you had kids. I don't care IF you have kids. I was responding to a few nasty posters who were leveling nasty accusations about career women who waited too long to have kids. Those accusations get tired and silly. There are plenty of young moms out there, and that's great, but for a lot of us, that just wasn't how things turned out. It's fine if you chose to have kids early - or didn't choose and had kids early anyway - but a lot of us didn't meet the guy in our 20's, or at all. I just think it's a silly myth that women should be blamed for their infertility because they "chose to wait" for too long - in most of the cases I know, it wasn't a choice, but a circumstance.

In some cases, this is true. But, for the vast majority of the people that I know that are either in this situation, or came close to being in this situation (i.e., met the guy at 35-40, got married, had kids), it happened more like this: Girl goes to law school and does really well. Girl joins a law firm and works like crazy with no time to go out and meet people. Spends late 20s at work, going out very rarely with a guy she knows isn't right, rarely going out with friends in a situation where she would just meet someone. Girl prioritizes pleasing boss/clients, and gets golden handcuffs. Girl turns 30. Girl starts to realize that clock is ticking. Girl doesn't yet want to give up job with long hours because that has become her life and she has the golden handcuffs. Girl either tries to make partner, thus delaying more, or frantically starts internet dating. In mid-thirties, and a bit desperate, it is hard to find a compatible person. Some make it, and some don't.

I'm not judging. This scenario describes most of my best friends. Moreover, but for the grace of god, go I. Instead, I was one who married so early that, even with waiting almost a decade, I was still fairly young to become a mom, for DC standards. But, it is not wrong at all to say that these women are in this situation because they (like I) prioritized their career over having a family when they were younger.