Sister asked if I would donate my eggs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It has been very interesting reading such wide ranging responses to this issue. I’m surprised that there are so many people who would not feel any special attachment to a child conceived with their eggs, beyond that of niece or nephew. I guess I just would have a hard time knowing that there was a child in the world who was genetically as much mine as my own two kids, but who I was not raising. The idea also makes my husband very uncomfortable, and while I know it’s not his decision, I feel like his opinion should count for something. So I guess I will have to say no.

While my relationship with my sister is generally good now, that has not always been the case. I’m a little concerned than any response is going to upset the peace we have achieved. I am over 35, so I am hoping that the fertility doctor will tell her I am a poor donor candidate before I have to say no to her directly.

I am a parent through adoption. I would not do this in any way shape or form and it's an unfair ask. If the relationship is already strained, its not a good plan, especially if you have differing views on parenting and life.

[Anonymous]

If this is something you don't want to ….don’t.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Just do it, OP. Don't be selfish. This is your sister.

No. It's not selfish to not want to risk your own physical and mental health so that your sister can bear your child. WTH. This isn't like refusing to let her borrow your favorite sweater.

It wouldn't be OP's child.

Of course it is. You can't change biology.

Eh, I'm adopted and know who my birth parents are. I've never felt a particular draw to them and I've certainly never felt like I was their child.

The question is more how do your birth parents feel about you? I would sooner agree to be a surrogate than an egg donor. I don't think I would feel that attached to a child I only carried for 9 months but otherwise wasn't related to.

Well they have been a part of my life since I was a baby as they are involved in the overall family/close friend dynamic. They have never given me any impression that they feel like I'm theirs or anything like that. They treat my siblings and me the exact same, which is different from the children they had later in life. I'm not saying what people are saying is wrong, but putting out blanket statements is. It works for some people, it doesn't work for others.

Feelings and biology are different though. Regardless of how you feel about it, you can't change your DNA.

My DNA means nothing to me. It's not my identity and it's not who I am (yes, I know it is in a literal sense). Feelings, to me, are way more important. It's fine that you don't understand my POV, but don't act like no one feels that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do it, OP. Don't be selfish. This is your sister.

No. It's not selfish to not want to risk your own physical and mental health so that your sister can bear your child. WTH. This isn't like refusing to let her borrow your favorite sweater.

It wouldn't be OP's child.

Of course it is. You can't change biology.

Eh, I'm adopted and know who my birth parents are. I've never felt a particular draw to them and I've certainly never felt like I was their child.

The question is more how do your birth parents feel about you? I would sooner agree to be a surrogate than an egg donor. I don't think I would feel that attached to a child I only carried for 9 months but otherwise wasn't related to.

Well they have been a part of my life since I was a baby as they are involved in the overall family/close friend dynamic. They have never given me any impression that they feel like I'm theirs or anything like that. They treat my siblings and me the exact same, which is different from the children they had later in life. I'm not saying what people are saying is wrong, but putting out blanket statements is. It works for some people, it doesn't work for others.

Feelings and biology are different though. Regardless of how you feel about it, you can't change your DNA.

My DNA means nothing to me. It's not my identity and it's not who I am (yes, I know it is in a literal sense). Feelings, to me, are way more important. It's fine that you don't understand my POV, but don't act like no one feels that way.

So donate your eggs. OP is now down with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It has been very interesting reading such wide ranging responses to this issue. I’m surprised that there are so many people who would not feel any special attachment to a child conceived with their eggs, beyond that of niece or nephew. I guess I just would have a hard time knowing that there was a child in the world who was genetically as much mine as my own two kids, but who I was not raising. The idea also makes my husband very uncomfortable, and while I know it’s not his decision, I feel like his opinion should count for something. So I guess I will have to say no.

While my relationship with my sister is generally good now, that has not always been the case. I’m a little concerned than any response is going to upset the peace we have achieved. I am over 35, so I am hoping that the fertility doctor will tell her I am a poor donor candidate before I have to say no to her directly.

They won't tell her outright no, but I had zero conception issues and children when we did IVF because of losing pregnancies (not abnormal ones). It made zero sense for us to do IVF but that was the "only" solutions offered to us.

All that background to say our first retrieval was 35+ eggs and only got 1 euploid embryo. So 0.5% at 35. I would strongly, strongly caution against it. She wants eggs from a 25 year old and not a 35 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It has been very interesting reading such wide ranging responses to this issue. I’m surprised that there are so many people who would not feel any special attachment to a child conceived with their eggs, beyond that of niece or nephew. I guess I just would have a hard time knowing that there was a child in the world who was genetically as much mine as my own two kids, but who I was not raising. The idea also makes my husband very uncomfortable, and while I know it’s not his decision, I feel like his opinion should count for something. So I guess I will have to say no.

While my relationship with my sister is generally good now, that has not always been the case. I’m a little concerned than any response is going to upset the peace we have achieved. I am over 35, so I am hoping that the fertility doctor will tell her I am a poor donor candidate before I have to say no to her directly.

They won't tell her outright no, but I had zero conception issues and children when we did IVF because of losing pregnancies (not abnormal ones). It made zero sense for us to do IVF but that was the "only" solutions offered to us.

All that background to say our first retrieval was 35+ eggs and only got 1 euploid embryo. So 0.5% at 35. I would strongly, strongly caution against it. She wants eggs from a 25 year old and not a 35 year old.

The donor requirements are <29 for a reason:
https://www.fairfaxeggbank.com/egg-donor-requirements/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

Seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

Just asking is a boundary violation. It’s going to harm the relationship. So selfish of the sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it could create really uncomfortable dynamics and not worth the conflict. With a donor egg, she carries the child and her genetics get infused.

I would 100% do it, but I wouldn't feel like the baby was "my child." I didn't carry the baby and I'm not raising the baby. It's my niece/nephew, not my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

I’m not the PP but I don’t really think you are in a position to judge who needs therapy. You seem to have very significant issues yourself.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s 100% fine to say no for any reason or no reason.
I also think asking once is ok and in no way a boundary violation. That’s nuts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

I’m not the PP but I don’t really think you are in a position to judge who needs therapy. You seem to have very significant issues yourself.

What’s your basis for that? Also, I’m in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

Just asking is a boundary violation. It’s going to harm the relationship. So selfish of the sister.

What’s the boundary being violated if there’s never been prior communication about willingness to donate eggs?

[Anonymous]

If your husband is not okay with it, and it seems you are not totally comfortable either, say No. I would harbor no issue with your sister asking you. My aunt asked my mom if she would donate her eggs. She wanted to do it, but my dad was uncomfortable. My aunt and uncle never had kids. But she is like a second mom to me and my brother. I think it would have been great if they had a child that was also my half-sibling. Tell your sister no, just be direct, and she can find a suitable donor.