Mom chose vacation over childcare with no notice - am I wrong to be upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you're a troll because otherwise you'd be a terminally clueless and entitled piece of human garbage, OP.

Can't you see she burns out regularly and needs mental health breaks????

She can't tell you in advance, because you're her daughter and she doesn't have the communication tools to do so. But this is not her fault. You put her in this situation. If she was a salaried employee, she would follow company rules about advance notice when taking leave. Here she cannot.

TAKE THE HINT. This poor woman might never find the courage to have the hard conversation with you.

She’s very blunt so she’d tell me no, if she were burnt out. She’s young (50s), retired, and enjoys spending time with my kids, they call her mom and are close to her. I don’t think that’s the problem, it’s just that she doesn’t give proper notice, because I’m her daughter.

So find other childcare. Either this is a dealbreaker for you, or it isn't.

I’m planning to talk with her about what would work best. One option I’m considering is enrolling the two older kids in aftercare, so she would only need to focus on the younger two. I really don’t feel like I’m asking for too much. When I was growing up, my grandma cared for me and my five siblings, so I also feel like it’s reasonable for her to do the same, or to see if one of my siblings might be able to help out as well.

Not only do you feel like you are entitled to free childcare from your mother, you think your siblings should pitch in as well?

JFC, OP. If you're not a troll, you're a horror show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’m being entitled by having my mom help babysit my kids. My mother had six kids, and doesn’t see child care as some hard & difficult task. She loves it, my kids are very well behaved and they have a lot of fun. She’s financially well-off and has done things for me over the years, and she expects me to do the same for her. She expects me to obey her, listen to her, and not talk back—even as a grown adult. She’ll berate and yell at me, and sometimes even do things like slap my arm or pull my hair or grab a towel and throw it at me, like I’m still a child. So honestly, this feels like the least she could do to help.

I also don’t see why I should pay her, especially when she’s well-off and has told me to just keep any money I offer.

To be clear, I just got off the phone with her. I told her I was sorry for disrespecting her. She’s on the plane. I actually told her she didn’t need to watch the kids anymore. I said I could find someone else. She immediately pushed back and said, “No, no—I want to.” She sees not as withholding. I asked her multiple times if she was sure, and she kept insisting that she really does want to continue watching them. So this isn’t something I’m forcing—she genuinely wants to do it.

Right now, the schedule works like this: I wake up and take my two older kids to school, then drop the two younger ones off with her at 10ish. She watches them until about 3:30. My 7-year-old gets home on the bus, and my 5-year-old is in afternoon preschool and gets brought home by a close friend. This usually happens three days a week. Occasionally, she’ll also help on Saturdays (maybe every 3–4 weeks), and when my husband and I travel or need a weekend, she’ll keep the kids for that too.

I don’t trust daycares or nannies, and since we have family around, I’d much rather have them help. I also don’t want to sacrifice my career, and neither does she want me to sacrifice my career. I work from home on the days I don’t have childcare, so realistically I could even limit in-office days to just two days a week if needed—I really only need childcare for work.

So I talked to her about adjusting the schedule to make things more balanced. She still doesn’t agree with this, but since I want into give her breaks, I think it’s fair. Instead of my mom doing multiple weekdays regularly, we could split things up more. For example, my MIL—who also loves spending time with the kids and has them today—could take some of the weekdays, and my mom could take the others. On weekends or overnights, they could divide things up as well (like each taking two kids), or alternate weekends depending on what works best. If needed, my siblings or sibling in laws could also help occasionally when they’re free and I need support.

I’m not forcing anyone into this, but it feels like a fair system. The way I see it, I do things for my mom, she does things for me, she’s my mother and I’m her daughter so we both have duties—it works for us. It might not be how other families operate, but it’s what works for ours. I feel like family is supposed to help each other, and I’m trying to make things easier and more balanced for everyone.

Thoughts?

Don't let haters hate. This is a great system. Don't put kids in aftercare.

Yes, I’m not being entitled by having family watch my kids. I won’t put them in aftercare.

Then get a backup plan, and stop complaining about your free childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’m being entitled by having my mom help babysit my kids. My mother had six kids, and doesn’t see child care as some hard & difficult task. She loves it, my kids are very well behaved and they have a lot of fun. She’s financially well-off and has done things for me over the years, and she expects me to do the same for her. She expects me to obey her, listen to her, and not talk back—even as a grown adult. She’ll berate and yell at me, and sometimes even do things like slap my arm or pull my hair or grab a towel and throw it at me, like I’m still a child. So honestly, this feels like the least she could do to help.

I also don’t see why I should pay her, especially when she’s well-off and has told me to just keep any money I offer.

To be clear, I just got off the phone with her. I told her I was sorry for disrespecting her. She’s on the plane. I actually told her she didn’t need to watch the kids anymore. I said I could find someone else. She immediately pushed back and said, “No, no—I want to.” She sees not as withholding. I asked her multiple times if she was sure, and she kept insisting that she really does want to continue watching them. So this isn’t something I’m forcing—she genuinely wants to do it.

Right now, the schedule works like this: I wake up and take my two older kids to school, then drop the two younger ones off with her at 10ish. She watches them until about 3:30. My 7-year-old gets home on the bus, and my 5-year-old is in afternoon preschool and gets brought home by a close friend. This usually happens three days a week. Occasionally, she’ll also help on Saturdays (maybe every 3–4 weeks), and when my husband and I travel or need a weekend, she’ll keep the kids for that too.

I don’t trust daycares or nannies, and since we have family around, I’d much rather have them help. I also don’t want to sacrifice my career, and neither does she want me to sacrifice my career. I work from home on the days I don’t have childcare, so realistically I could even limit in-office days to just two days a week if needed—I really only need childcare for work.

So I talked to her about adjusting the schedule to make things more balanced. She still doesn’t agree with this, but since I want into give her breaks, I think it’s fair. Instead of my mom doing multiple weekdays regularly, we could split things up more. For example, my MIL—who also loves spending time with the kids and has them today—could take some of the weekdays, and my mom could take the others. On weekends or overnights, they could divide things up as well (like each taking two kids), or alternate weekends depending on what works best. If needed, my siblings or sibling in laws could also help occasionally when they’re free and I need support.

I’m not forcing anyone into this, but it feels like a fair system. The way I see it, I do things for my mom, she does things for me, she’s my mother and I’m her daughter so we both have duties—it works for us. It might not be how other families operate, but it’s what works for ours. I feel like family is supposed to help each other, and I’m trying to make things easier and more balanced for everyone.

Thoughts?

Don't let haters hate. This is a great system. Don't put kids in aftercare.

Yes, I’m not being entitled by having family watch my kids. I won’t put them in aftercare.

Not only are you being entitled but you are extremely tone deaf. You are talking to a whole lot of people who put their kids in daycare and aftercare. You're not specail princess.

[Anonymous]

This is a mess and why I never want family to be the primary care takers for our kids.

It absolutely never works. If and when an issue arises it’s a nitemare. Then the whole entire family gets wind or involved.

Just no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’m being entitled by having my mom help babysit my kids. My mother had six kids, and doesn’t see child care as some hard & difficult task. She loves it, my kids are very well behaved and they have a lot of fun. She’s financially well-off and has done things for me over the years, and she expects me to do the same for her. She expects me to obey her, listen to her, and not talk back—even as a grown adult. She’ll berate and yell at me, and sometimes even do things like slap my arm or pull my hair or grab a towel and throw it at me, like I’m still a child. So honestly, this feels like the least she could do to help.

I also don’t see why I should pay her, especially when she’s well-off and has told me to just keep any money I offer.

To be clear, I just got off the phone with her. I told her I was sorry for disrespecting her. She’s on the plane. I actually told her she didn’t need to watch the kids anymore. I said I could find someone else. She immediately pushed back and said, “No, no—I want to.” She sees not as withholding. I asked her multiple times if she was sure, and she kept insisting that she really does want to continue watching them. So this isn’t something I’m forcing—she genuinely wants to do it.

Right now, the schedule works like this: I wake up and take my two older kids to school, then drop the two younger ones off with her at 10ish. She watches them until about 3:30. My 7-year-old gets home on the bus, and my 5-year-old is in afternoon preschool and gets brought home by a close friend. This usually happens three days a week. Occasionally, she’ll also help on Saturdays (maybe every 3–4 weeks), and when my husband and I travel or need a weekend, she’ll keep the kids for that too.

I don’t trust daycares or nannies, and since we have family around, I’d much rather have them help. I also don’t want to sacrifice my career, and neither does she want me to sacrifice my career. I work from home on the days I don’t have childcare, so realistically I could even limit in-office days to just two days a week if needed—I really only need childcare for work.

So I talked to her about adjusting the schedule to make things more balanced. She still doesn’t agree with this, but since I want into give her breaks, I think it’s fair. Instead of my mom doing multiple weekdays regularly, we could split things up more. For example, my MIL—who also loves spending time with the kids and has them today—could take some of the weekdays, and my mom could take the others. On weekends or overnights, they could divide things up as well (like each taking two kids), or alternate weekends depending on what works best. If needed, my siblings or sibling in laws could also help occasionally when they’re free and I need support.

I’m not forcing anyone into this, but it feels like a fair system. The way I see it, I do things for my mom, she does things for me, she’s my mother and I’m her daughter so we both have duties—it works for us. It might not be how other families operate, but it’s what works for ours. I feel like family is supposed to help each other, and I’m trying to make things easier and more balanced for everyone.

Thoughts?

Don't let haters hate. This is a great system. Don't put kids in aftercare.

Yes, I’m not being entitled by having family watch my kids. I won’t put them in aftercare.

Not only are you being entitled but you are extremely tone deaf. You are talking to a whole lot of people who put their kids in daycare and aftercare. You're not specail princess.

I’m not judging moms who use daycare or aftercare—every family does what works for them. I’m just saying that what might come across as “entitled” in one family isn’t necessarily the case in mine. That wasn’t really the point of my post anyway. I wasn’t asking whether I’m entitled; I was asking if it’s reasonable for me to feel upset and whether I should expect advance notice or just always have backup childcare.
I still feel like expecting notice is fair.

My MIL is usually good about communicating, but I’ll make sure to have backup care going forward. I also told her I’d give more notice on my end next time. That said, she made it clear she’s going to do what works for her, and I should just respect her.

Thanks everyone for the input!

[Anonymous]

I love the recurring theme of not trusting nannies or daycare workers but instead insisting on leaving your kids with a woman who is physically and verbally abusive. ::chef's kiss::

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’m being entitled by having my mom help babysit my kids. My mother had six kids, and doesn’t see child care as some hard & difficult task. She loves it, my kids are very well behaved and they have a lot of fun. She’s financially well-off and has done things for me over the years, and she expects me to do the same for her. She expects me to obey her, listen to her, and not talk back—even as a grown adult. She’ll berate and yell at me, and sometimes even do things like slap my arm or pull my hair or grab a towel and throw it at me, like I’m still a child. So honestly, this feels like the least she could do to help.

I also don’t see why I should pay her, especially when she’s well-off and has told me to just keep any money I offer.

To be clear, I just got off the phone with her. I told her I was sorry for disrespecting her. She’s on the plane. I actually told her she didn’t need to watch the kids anymore. I said I could find someone else. She immediately pushed back and said, “No, no—I want to.” She sees not as withholding. I asked her multiple times if she was sure, and she kept insisting that she really does want to continue watching them. So this isn’t something I’m forcing—she genuinely wants to do it.

Right now, the schedule works like this: I wake up and take my two older kids to school, then drop the two younger ones off with her at 10ish. She watches them until about 3:30. My 7-year-old gets home on the bus, and my 5-year-old is in afternoon preschool and gets brought home by a close friend. This usually happens three days a week. Occasionally, she’ll also help on Saturdays (maybe every 3–4 weeks), and when my husband and I travel or need a weekend, she’ll keep the kids for that too.

I don’t trust daycares or nannies, and since we have family around, I’d much rather have them help. I also don’t want to sacrifice my career, and neither does she want me to sacrifice my career. I work from home on the days I don’t have childcare, so realistically I could even limit in-office days to just two days a week if needed—I really only need childcare for work.

So I talked to her about adjusting the schedule to make things more balanced. She still doesn’t agree with this, but since I want into give her breaks, I think it’s fair. Instead of my mom doing multiple weekdays regularly, we could split things up more. For example, my MIL—who also loves spending time with the kids and has them today—could take some of the weekdays, and my mom could take the others. On weekends or overnights, they could divide things up as well (like each taking two kids), or alternate weekends depending on what works best. If needed, my siblings or sibling in laws could also help occasionally when they’re free and I need support.

I’m not forcing anyone into this, but it feels like a fair system. The way I see it, I do things for my mom, she does things for me, she’s my mother and I’m her daughter so we both have duties—it works for us. It might not be how other families operate, but it’s what works for ours. I feel like family is supposed to help each other, and I’m trying to make things easier and more balanced for everyone.

Thoughts?

Don't let haters hate. This is a great system. Don't put kids in aftercare.

Yes, I’m not being entitled by having family watch my kids. I won’t put them in aftercare.

Not only are you being entitled but you are extremely tone deaf. You are talking to a whole lot of people who put their kids in daycare and aftercare. You're not specail princess.

I’m not judging moms who use daycare or aftercare—every family does what works for them. I’m just saying that what might come across as “entitled” in one family isn’t necessarily the case in mine. That wasn’t really the point of my post anyway. I wasn’t asking whether I’m entitled; I was asking if it’s reasonable for me to feel upset and whether I should expect advance notice or just always have backup childcare.
I still feel like expecting notice is fair.

My MIL is usually good about communicating, but I’ll make sure to have backup care going forward. I also told her I’d give more notice on my end next time. That said, she made it clear she’s going to do what works for her, and I should just respect her.

Thanks everyone for the input!

So, now it's your MIL? Keep your trolling straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love the recurring theme of not trusting nannies or daycare workers but instead insisting on leaving your kids with a woman who is physically and verbally abusive. ::chef's kiss::

[Anonymous]

There is more to this than you say and it seems your mom is feeling taken advantage of and unappreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’m being entitled by having my mom help babysit my kids. My mother had six kids, and doesn’t see child care as some hard & difficult task. She loves it, my kids are very well behaved and they have a lot of fun. She’s financially well-off and has done things for me over the years, and she expects me to do the same for her. She expects me to obey her, listen to her, and not talk back—even as a grown adult. She’ll berate and yell at me, and sometimes even do things like slap my arm or pull my hair or grab a towel and throw it at me, like I’m still a child. So honestly, this feels like the least she could do to help.

I also don’t see why I should pay her, especially when she’s well-off and has told me to just keep any money I offer.

To be clear, I just got off the phone with her. I told her I was sorry for disrespecting her. She’s on the plane. I actually told her she didn’t need to watch the kids anymore. I said I could find someone else. She immediately pushed back and said, “No, no—I want to.” She sees not as withholding. I asked her multiple times if she was sure, and she kept insisting that she really does want to continue watching them. So this isn’t something I’m forcing—she genuinely wants to do it.

Right now, the schedule works like this: I wake up and take my two older kids to school, then drop the two younger ones off with her at 10ish. She watches them until about 3:30. My 7-year-old gets home on the bus, and my 5-year-old is in afternoon preschool and gets brought home by a close friend. This usually happens three days a week. Occasionally, she’ll also help on Saturdays (maybe every 3–4 weeks), and when my husband and I travel or need a weekend, she’ll keep the kids for that too.

I don’t trust daycares or nannies, and since we have family around, I’d much rather have them help. I also don’t want to sacrifice my career, and neither does she want me to sacrifice my career. I work from home on the days I don’t have childcare, so realistically I could even limit in-office days to just two days a week if needed—I really only need childcare for work.

So I talked to her about adjusting the schedule to make things more balanced. She still doesn’t agree with this, but since I want into give her breaks, I think it’s fair. Instead of my mom doing multiple weekdays regularly, we could split things up more. For example, my MIL—who also loves spending time with the kids and has them today—could take some of the weekdays, and my mom could take the others. On weekends or overnights, they could divide things up as well (like each taking two kids), or alternate weekends depending on what works best. If needed, my siblings or sibling in laws could also help occasionally when they’re free and I need support.

I’m not forcing anyone into this, but it feels like a fair system. The way I see it, I do things for my mom, she does things for me, she’s my mother and I’m her daughter so we both have duties—it works for us. It might not be how other families operate, but it’s what works for ours. I feel like family is supposed to help each other, and I’m trying to make things easier and more balanced for everyone.

Thoughts?

Don't let haters hate. This is a great system. Don't put kids in aftercare.

Yes, I’m not being entitled by having family watch my kids. I won’t put them in aftercare.

Not only are you being entitled but you are extremely tone deaf. You are talking to a whole lot of people who put their kids in daycare and aftercare. You're not specail princess.

I’m not judging moms who use daycare or aftercare—every family does what works for them. I’m just saying that what might come across as “entitled” in one family isn’t necessarily the case in mine. That wasn’t really the point of my post anyway. I wasn’t asking whether I’m entitled; I was asking if it’s reasonable for me to feel upset and whether I should expect advance notice or just always have backup childcare.
I still feel like expecting notice is fair.

My MIL is usually good about communicating, but I’ll make sure to have backup care going forward. I also told her I’d give more notice on my end next time. That said, she made it clear she’s going to do what works for her, and I should just respect her.

Thanks everyone for the input!

Oh i know you weren't asking, but you most certainly needed to hear it. Also, this ISN'T working for your family. It's the whole reason for your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’m being entitled by having my mom help babysit my kids. My mother had six kids, and doesn’t see child care as some hard & difficult task. She loves it, my kids are very well behaved and they have a lot of fun. She’s financially well-off and has done things for me over the years, and she expects me to do the same for her. She expects me to obey her, listen to her, and not talk back—even as a grown adult. She’ll berate and yell at me, and sometimes even do things like slap my arm or pull my hair or grab a towel and throw it at me, like I’m still a child. So honestly, this feels like the least she could do to help.

I also don’t see why I should pay her, especially when she’s well-off and has told me to just keep any money I offer.

To be clear, I just got off the phone with her. I told her I was sorry for disrespecting her. She’s on the plane. I actually told her she didn’t need to watch the kids anymore. I said I could find someone else. She immediately pushed back and said, “No, no—I want to.” She sees not as withholding. I asked her multiple times if she was sure, and she kept insisting that she really does want to continue watching them. So this isn’t something I’m forcing—she genuinely wants to do it.

Right now, the schedule works like this: I wake up and take my two older kids to school, then drop the two younger ones off with her at 10ish. She watches them until about 3:30. My 7-year-old gets home on the bus, and my 5-year-old is in afternoon preschool and gets brought home by a close friend. This usually happens three days a week. Occasionally, she’ll also help on Saturdays (maybe every 3–4 weeks), and when my husband and I travel or need a weekend, she’ll keep the kids for that too.

I don’t trust daycares or nannies, and since we have family around, I’d much rather have them help. I also don’t want to sacrifice my career, and neither does she want me to sacrifice my career. I work from home on the days I don’t have childcare, so realistically I could even limit in-office days to just two days a week if needed—I really only need childcare for work.

So I talked to her about adjusting the schedule to make things more balanced. She still doesn’t agree with this, but since I want into give her breaks, I think it’s fair. Instead of my mom doing multiple weekdays regularly, we could split things up more. For example, my MIL—who also loves spending time with the kids and has them today—could take some of the weekdays, and my mom could take the others. On weekends or overnights, they could divide things up as well (like each taking two kids), or alternate weekends depending on what works best. If needed, my siblings or sibling in laws could also help occasionally when they’re free and I need support.

I’m not forcing anyone into this, but it feels like a fair system. The way I see it, I do things for my mom, she does things for me, she’s my mother and I’m her daughter so we both have duties—it works for us. It might not be how other families operate, but it’s what works for ours. I feel like family is supposed to help each other, and I’m trying to make things easier and more balanced for everyone.

Thoughts?

Don't let haters hate. This is a great system. Don't put kids in aftercare.

Yes, I’m not being entitled by having family watch my kids. I won’t put them in aftercare.

Not only are you being entitled but you are extremely tone deaf. You are talking to a whole lot of people who put their kids in daycare and aftercare. You're not specail princess.

I’m not judging moms who use daycare or aftercare—every family does what works for them. I’m just saying that what might come across as “entitled” in one family isn’t necessarily the case in mine. That wasn’t really the point of my post anyway. I wasn’t asking whether I’m entitled; I was asking if it’s reasonable for me to feel upset and whether I should expect advance notice or just always have backup childcare.
I still feel like expecting notice is fair.

My MIL is usually good about communicating, but I’ll make sure to have backup care going forward. I also told her I’d give more notice on my end next time. That said, she made it clear she’s going to do what works for her, and I should just respect her.

Thanks everyone for the input!

So, now it's your MIL? Keep your trolling straight.

I know, right. So obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love the recurring theme of not trusting nannies or daycare workers but instead insisting on leaving your kids with a woman who is physically and verbally abusive. ::chef's kiss::

She doesn't care as long as she gets to save a buck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love the recurring theme of not trusting nannies or daycare workers but instead insisting on leaving your kids with a woman who is physically and verbally abusive. ::chef's kiss::

I think my kids are being a bit spoiled, due spending so much time with my mom and MIL. It’s the opposite, my mom isn’t abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

I doubt I'm telling you something you haven't heard yet, but this is her way of telling you that she no longer wants to be your primary childcare provider. I'd plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’m being entitled by having my mom help babysit my kids. My mother had six kids, and doesn’t see child care as some hard & difficult task. She loves it, my kids are very well behaved and they have a lot of fun. She’s financially well-off and has done things for me over the years, and she expects me to do the same for her. She expects me to obey her, listen to her, and not talk back—even as a grown adult. She’ll berate and yell at me, and sometimes even do things like slap my arm or pull my hair or grab a towel and throw it at me, like I’m still a child. So honestly, this feels like the least she could do to help.

I also don’t see why I should pay her, especially when she’s well-off and has told me to just keep any money I offer.

To be clear, I just got off the phone with her. I told her I was sorry for disrespecting her. She’s on the plane. I actually told her she didn’t need to watch the kids anymore. I said I could find someone else. She immediately pushed back and said, “No, no—I want to.” She sees not as withholding. I asked her multiple times if she was sure, and she kept insisting that she really does want to continue watching them. So this isn’t something I’m forcing—she genuinely wants to do it.

Right now, the schedule works like this: I wake up and take my two older kids to school, then drop the two younger ones off with her at 10ish. She watches them until about 3:30. My 7-year-old gets home on the bus, and my 5-year-old is in afternoon preschool and gets brought home by a close friend. This usually happens three days a week. Occasionally, she’ll also help on Saturdays (maybe every 3–4 weeks), and when my husband and I travel or need a weekend, she’ll keep the kids for that too.

I don’t trust daycares or nannies, and since we have family around, I’d much rather have them help. I also don’t want to sacrifice my career, and neither does she want me to sacrifice my career. I work from home on the days I don’t have childcare, so realistically I could even limit in-office days to just two days a week if needed—I really only need childcare for work.

So I talked to her about adjusting the schedule to make things more balanced. She still doesn’t agree with this, but since I want into give her breaks, I think it’s fair. Instead of my mom doing multiple weekdays regularly, we could split things up more. For example, my MIL—who also loves spending time with the kids and has them today—could take some of the weekdays, and my mom could take the others. On weekends or overnights, they could divide things up as well (like each taking two kids), or alternate weekends depending on what works best. If needed, my siblings or sibling in laws could also help occasionally when they’re free and I need support.

I’m not forcing anyone into this, but it feels like a fair system. The way I see it, I do things for my mom, she does things for me, she’s my mother and I’m her daughter so we both have duties—it works for us. It might not be how other families operate, but it’s what works for ours. I feel like family is supposed to help each other, and I’m trying to make things easier and more balanced for everyone.

Thoughts?

You have a toxic, codependent, and borderline abusive relationship that you’re now subjecting your children to. Stop using your mother as the primary form of childcare. Quit and be a SAHM or pay someone so that you can maintain appropriate boundaries.

Yes.

Also, I've seen OP's situation in low-education communities with patriarchal values. I'd be surprised if OP was Caucasian white and if her family of origin had a higher education.

The whole premise of "my Mom hits me so I deserve free childcare out of her" is MESSED UP.