Why do people change their mind and want to remarry again?

[Anonymous]

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry what’s OP’s supposed custody time for the middle and high schooler?
Zero mention of his actual family and responsibilities or time demands. Or how they fit into this romantic or sexual relationship.

Details schmetails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can have different opinions and change your mind. Maybe she just said that at the beginning because she wasn't sure and wanted to agree with you and that was the way you were leaning. Its ok to break up and take a hard line but you will look like a jerk if you are mean about it. Personally I find being so one way on something this universally appreciated in society is weird. Life isn't that static.

OP here. If we do break up, I am never going to be a jerk about it. In fact it's going to painful because she is perfect in every way.

I simply do not want to be married ever again.

Maybe I am sending signals to her that I am not committed enough and only marriage will show iron clad commitments? I hope not

You don't even live together, so for her to be discussing marriage before that happens is kind of crazy to me. Discuss THAT step and whether you'd be willing to take it. THEN you could rethink the marriage thing, if you wanted to. But you're entitled to your opinion, which you clearly stated and have stood by.

Space your troll responses out better, more than 1-3 seconds for starters. Maybe 10 mins semi believable

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm the PP you quoted and that was my first response. Better luck next time.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to imagine how you'd finally meet your person after having "lost" in love for all this time and then still not want to spend your time and resources with them. It's instinct to want to protect and care for someone you deeply love. Their well-being becomes of upmost importance to you. Two adults who are madly in love and have fewer than "twenty good summers" left to spend together naturally want to make a home together. That's what couples do, regardless of age. The bonding, nesting, and making one another a part of every moment in your life is the normal progression of a union built between two adults. There's no reason to think that doesn't apply after a certain age.

As I see it, the fact that OP is keeping his GF at arm's length either means he isn't truly convinced that his life is immeasureably better with her in it, or he's got some baggage that he needs help from a therapist to unload before he blows it. Prenups take care of the financial issues that might be a worry for OP; Money is not the reason to not remarry. OP probably knows this in his heart of hearts and it is just an easy excuse he's using to maintain distance. At the very least, OP needs to WANT to live with his GF if the relationship is going to advance. The relationship either grows in its intensity and commitment, or it will wither.

[Anonymous]

OP, why does your GF even want to marry you? Start there. You said you both have decent money and are on track for retirement, but her only child is in college, whereas your kids are in 7th and 10th grade. Most empty-nest women don't want to deal with a man who still has kids at home. What does she get out of even moving in with you, other than more work? I'd start with trying to understand what is motivating her to consider living together or remarriage, because without more information, it makes no sense for her to push for a higher level of commitment while you still have dependent kids at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it’s fine to want what you want. But you seem super mad that she’s not totally cool with your world view.

She gets a preference on this issue too. The biggest red flag to me is how irritable you sound about not only wanting your own way, but wanting her to agree with you. She may not, and if you actually care about her, you need to be clear with her so that she can use that information to make her own decision, which may be to leave.

Nobody knows what she wants. She actually didn’t say. She just asked a couple questions.

Which makes OP's attitude even more of a red flag. She "just asked a couple questions" and bro is still mad.

[Anonymous]

I can't speak to remarriage, but I was very ambivalent about marriage even with my longtime partner until one day I wasn't and decided I wanted to get married. It was because we went through a series of major life issues, including him being hospitalized and me losing a parent. It made me realized that making it "official" would make it easier for us and for others, because it helps clarify our situation for everyone. There are some legal reasons it's useful. But then when we actually got it done, it was emotional too. It felt important to have made it formal and really tied our futures together in a permanent way.

But I didn't realize that when we first moved in together. It took time and experience to understand why getting married would be something I cared about.

Maybe you GF experienced something similar. If her first marriage was bad, she may have gone into a relationship with you with a negative view on marriage, but have started to realize there might be a version of marriage that is good.

If you disagree, you should be honest with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a late 40s woman. I will never remarry. Hard no. I don’t think it’s common at all for people to change their minds.

But do you date? Have you found someone “prefect in every way?”

Once you do find someone perfect and date for a couple years, then what?

They ask what you are thinking after a couple amazing years?
You tell them marriage is not for you. But this and that. You have your guards up.
Then they reciprocate that.
The closeness disappears.
You break up.

Sometimes I date. If I date someone for a few years, why does anything have to change? You have your place. I have mine. We see each other when we want. Why is this hard to understand? No ONE needs (or should) get married past 40. It is completely unnecessary. And too legally complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't speak to remarriage, but I was very ambivalent about marriage even with my longtime partner until one day I wasn't and decided I wanted to get married. It was because we went through a series of major life issues, including him being hospitalized and me losing a parent. It made me realized that making it "official" would make it easier for us and for others, because it helps clarify our situation for everyone. There are some legal reasons it's useful. But then when we actually got it done, it was emotional too. It felt important to have made it formal and really tied our futures together in a permanent way.

But I didn't realize that when we first moved in together. It took time and experience to understand why getting married would be something I cared about.

Maybe you GF experienced something similar. If her first marriage was bad, she may have gone into a relationship with you with a negative view on marriage, but have started to realize there might be a version of marriage that is good.

If you disagree, you should be honest with her.

You can draw up legal documents for this without being married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't speak to remarriage, but I was very ambivalent about marriage even with my longtime partner until one day I wasn't and decided I wanted to get married. It was because we went through a series of major life issues, including him being hospitalized and me losing a parent. It made me realized that making it "official" would make it easier for us and for others, because it helps clarify our situation for everyone. There are some legal reasons it's useful. But then when we actually got it done, it was emotional too. It felt important to have made it formal and really tied our futures together in a permanent way.

But I didn't realize that when we first moved in together. It took time and experience to understand why getting married would be something I cared about.

Maybe you GF experienced something similar. If her first marriage was bad, she may have gone into a relationship with you with a negative view on marriage, but have started to realize there might be a version of marriage that is good.

If you disagree, you should be honest with her.

You can draw up legal documents for this without being married.

I guess but this seems like a weird amount of effort to go to when the concept of marriage already exists. Like isn't a marriage just a legal document? Why not just get a prenup and a marriage license, rather than try to codify you relationship from scratch via contracts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry what’s OP’s supposed custody time for the middle and high schooler?
Zero mention of his actual family and responsibilities or time demands. Or how they fit into this romantic or sexual relationship.

Details schmetails.

No kidding.
Just me, me, me, me, me.

[Anonymous]

Hmm OP I don’t think human beings can ever be 100% of anything. Do you know anyone who has stayed the same over their entire lives? On the topic of marriage especially it seems pretty natural to evolve over time.

Especially for a divorcee, it’s easy to start off saying “never again” but the process of falling in love and trusting someone can easily change someone’s mind and heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a late 40s woman. I will never remarry. Hard no. I don’t think it’s common at all for people to change their minds.

But do you date? Have you found someone “prefect in every way?”

Once you do find someone perfect and date for a couple years, then what?

They ask what you are thinking after a couple amazing years?
You tell them marriage is not for you. But this and that. You have your guards up.
Then they reciprocate that.
The closeness disappears.
You break up.

Sometimes I date. If I date someone for a few years, why does anything have to change? You have your place. I have mine. We see each other when we want. Why is this hard to understand? No ONE needs (or should) get married past 40. It is completely unnecessary. And too legally complicated.

Thx for YOUR opinion. Noted.

The real question is if you have the EQ to take note of others’ opinions on the matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm OP I don’t think human beings can ever be 100% of anything. Do you know anyone who has stayed the same over their entire lives? On the topic of marriage especially it seems pretty natural to evolve over time.

Especially for a divorcee, it’s easy to start off saying “never again” but the process of falling in love and trusting someone can easily change someone’s mind and heart.

I know several autistic family members who never budge on a thought or idea or habit. It’s truly an Achilles heel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a late 40s woman. I will never remarry. Hard no. I don’t think it’s common at all for people to change their minds.

But do you date? Have you found someone “prefect in every way?”

Once you do find someone perfect and date for a couple years, then what?

They ask what you are thinking after a couple amazing years?
You tell them marriage is not for you. But this and that. You have your guards up.
Then they reciprocate that.
The closeness disappears.
You break up.

Sometimes I date. If I date someone for a few years, why does anything have to change? You have your place. I have mine. We see each other when we want. Why is this hard to understand? No ONE needs (or should) get married past 40. It is completely unnecessary. And too legally complicated.

Because many people want to live together, to take care of each other whichever it means. And it’s not really that complicated legally - marriage can be dissolved for couple thousand dollars if people don’t have kids and signed a prenup