I went to visit a swingers club for the first time. AMA

[Anonymous]

Did you wear a coat over this outfit, or do they have changing rooms when you get there? Do they have a coat check? What do you do with your purse? Do sexy rooms have hangers for clothing?

[Anonymous]

sounds like that tabu place in catonsville

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many of the men were there just to watch their wives?

Probably a few, but I didn't take a survey around and ask. Out on the dance floor, most of the men weren't dancing a bunch, more letting their ladies dance around them. My hubs loves to dance, so we were grooving. But, I bet those guys that were standing still were enjoying the view of their ladies dancing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep the questions as clean as you can and I will do my best to answer all posted here. I won’t name the exact club or day I went, but the visit was in the last month.

I’m doing this because it was way less scary than I built it up in my mind. I am hoping to help others who are curious and nervous about making the first step/visit.

How attractive were the people? Being propositioned by people I find unattractive and having to see them getting raunchy with each other would turn my stomach.

If you read through the thread, I address attractiveness at several points. If your stomach turns at the idea of someone that you don't find attractive enjoying their body or someone else's body, this is probably not the environment for you. I didn't see anyone that I found grossly unattractive, but had I, I would have just looked away. I don't know what your personal definition of attractiveness is because that is very personal, but please keep in mind that you might be someone's idea of unattractive. Body acceptance (yours and others) is key for enjoying a lifestyle club.

DP. But realistically it sounds like all the women there were in fact performing femininity (all dressed up, taking the role of the traditionally “sexy” one) whereas the men just put on a nice pair of slacks. Although I find the “lifestyle” clubs intriguing I think I would feel very off-put at the reproduction of mainstream gender stuff.

Performing femininity, or actually feminine? I am generally a feminine woman. I mean, today I'm in yoga pants and a sweatshirt, but if I leave the house, I'm generally in feminine presenting clothing. Would you have this same thought if I told you that I was wearing a dress and heels to work, which I do?

There were women there in longer dresses, jeans and a sweater, and other items that didn't show of their bodies. I don't think anyone would bat an eye if a woman showed up in a more neutral outfit. I chose to show up in a short dress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep the questions as clean as you can and I will do my best to answer all posted here. I won’t name the exact club or day I went, but the visit was in the last month.

I’m doing this because it was way less scary than I built it up in my mind. I am hoping to help others who are curious and nervous about making the first step/visit.

How attractive were the people? Being propositioned by people I find unattractive and having to see them getting raunchy with each other would turn my stomach.

If you read through the thread, I address attractiveness at several points. If your stomach turns at the idea of someone that you don't find attractive enjoying their body or someone else's body, this is probably not the environment for you. I didn't see anyone that I found grossly unattractive, but had I, I would have just looked away. I don't know what your personal definition of attractiveness is because that is very personal, but please keep in mind that you might be someone's idea of unattractive. Body acceptance (yours and others) is key for enjoying a lifestyle club.

DP. But realistically it sounds like all the women there were in fact performing femininity (all dressed up, taking the role of the traditionally “sexy” one) whereas the men just put on a nice pair of slacks. Although I find the “lifestyle” clubs intriguing I think I would feel very off-put at the reproduction of mainstream gender stuff.

Most people in the lifestyle, like most people not in it, are into mainstream gender stuff. But I’m sure you can find subgroups in the lifestyle for gender non conforming people. (Not OP here, but I’m pretty sure I know where she went).

I don’t even need “gender nonconforming” but I think it would be pretty irritating and not a turn-on if the event just reprised mainstream pr0n scenarios. It’s supposed to be “swinging” but just for the edification of the men or for women like OP who specifically enjoy that?

Just to clarify what exhibitionism is- I like to be exposed because of the effect on my own brain, it's tantalizing to know that others could see me. It's not about them though. It's not about their reactions or approval. It's about me. I am not performing for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Glad you had fun OP! I'm in my 30s and my husband and I have been doing the swinger/ENM thing for a few years now. FWIW the club scene was thrilling at first but the novelty of screwing strangers wore off quickly after a while. We have much preferred being part of an ENM community that we found through Feeld. You may find a similar community through the couples you met, but if not, I'd encourage you to look for it if it turns out that non-monogamy is your thing but anonymous sex isn't.

Thanks for the input. I appreciate it. I am not sure where this journey is leading us, but I do imagine that over time going out to clubs will get tiring, just like when you're in your 20s and you tire of the regular club scene. I don't know that I'll ever be an anonymous sex gal, but we shall see. I would love for you to do an AMA on ENM. I feel like that is a step or 10 further than where Hubs and I are and I would like to learn more. BUT, I have no desire for multiple relationships/partners other than FOB. That sounds so exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you had fun OP! I'm in my 30s and my husband and I have been doing the swinger/ENM thing for a few years now. FWIW the club scene was thrilling at first but the novelty of screwing strangers wore off quickly after a while. We have much preferred being part of an ENM community that we found through Feeld. You may find a similar community through the couples you met, but if not, I'd encourage you to look for it if it turns out that non-monogamy is your thing but anonymous sex isn't.

Thanks for the input. I appreciate it. I am not sure where this journey is leading us, but I do imagine that over time going out to clubs will get tiring, just like when you're in your 20s and you tire of the regular club scene. I don't know that I'll ever be an anonymous sex gal, but we shall see. I would love for you to do an AMA on ENM. I feel like that is a step or 10 further than where Hubs and I are and I would like to learn more. BUT, I have no desire for multiple relationships/partners other than FOB. That sounds so exhausting.

What are these abbreviations ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you wear a coat over this outfit, or do they have changing rooms when you get there? Do they have a coat check? What do you do with your purse? Do sexy rooms have hangers for clothing?

I love these logistics questions. These are a lot of the things I wondered about!

I wore street clothes and changed because it was cold. In the summer, I would likely just wear my dress.

There is a coat check.

For stuff, there are lockers. You bring your own lock. I had a small bag with my outfit and purse in it, and we locked that up in the locker.

Not sure about hangers in the sexy rooms. I didn't really look. Our clothing went on a bench on the side.

[Anonymous]

this sounds gross, what if you hook up with a homeless person, criminal or someone w/ diseases

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there non sexual intro events for vetting each other?

My biggest take away from this whole adventure is that every event can be as sexual or non-sexual as you like. We chatted with other couples and never played with them. There wouldn't be judgement for wanting to watch or just take things slow. Every person we spoke to there was very nice, open, and welcoming. We didn't feel any pressure to participate.

In my head, I had built it up to be 'we're going to be dancing, and some woman is just going to come over and start making out with Hubs.' The actual situation was not like that at all. I'm laughing a bit at myself now for the picture I had. That is part of why I'm doing this

Why do you say "the hubs." I cringe for you when I read it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you had fun OP! I'm in my 30s and my husband and I have been doing the swinger/ENM thing for a few years now. FWIW the club scene was thrilling at first but the novelty of screwing strangers wore off quickly after a while. We have much preferred being part of an ENM community that we found through Feeld. You may find a similar community through the couples you met, but if not, I'd encourage you to look for it if it turns out that non-monogamy is your thing but anonymous sex isn't.

Thanks for the input. I appreciate it. I am not sure where this journey is leading us, but I do imagine that over time going out to clubs will get tiring, just like when you're in your 20s and you tire of the regular club scene. I don't know that I'll ever be an anonymous sex gal, but we shall see. I would love for you to do an AMA on ENM. I feel like that is a step or 10 further than where Hubs and I are and I would like to learn more. BUT, I have no desire for multiple relationships/partners other than FOB. That sounds so exhausting.

What are these abbreviations ?

AMA- Ask Me Anything
ENM- Ethical Non-Monogamy (which can span from this to full on throuples and more)
FOB- Friend With Benefits

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep the questions as clean as you can and I will do my best to answer all posted here. I won’t name the exact club or day I went, but the visit was in the last month.

I’m doing this because it was way less scary than I built it up in my mind. I am hoping to help others who are curious and nervous about making the first step/visit.

How attractive were the people? Being propositioned by people I find unattractive and having to see them getting raunchy with each other would turn my stomach.

If you read through the thread, I address attractiveness at several points. If your stomach turns at the idea of someone that you don't find attractive enjoying their body or someone else's body, this is probably not the environment for you. I didn't see anyone that I found grossly unattractive, but had I, I would have just looked away. I don't know what your personal definition of attractiveness is because that is very personal, but please keep in mind that you might be someone's idea of unattractive. Body acceptance (yours and others) is key for enjoying a lifestyle club.

DP. But realistically it sounds like all the women there were in fact performing femininity (all dressed up, taking the role of the traditionally “sexy” one) whereas the men just put on a nice pair of slacks. Although I find the “lifestyle” clubs intriguing I think I would feel very off-put at the reproduction of mainstream gender stuff.

Most people in the lifestyle, like most people not in it, are into mainstream gender stuff. But I’m sure you can find subgroups in the lifestyle for gender non conforming people. (Not OP here, but I’m pretty sure I know where she went).

I don’t even need “gender nonconforming” but I think it would be pretty irritating and not a turn-on if the event just reprised mainstream pr0n scenarios. It’s supposed to be “swinging” but just for the edification of the men or for women like OP who specifically enjoy that?

DP. I always hate the vibe where women have to go all out to be sexy and men wear a clean shirt too. But I’m not quite sure what you are saying above. What other type of swingers club were you imagining?

A club that had a more diverse group of people including queer and straight and where there is a range of skin showing on both genders and really hot guys too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this sounds gross, what if you hook up with a homeless person, criminal or someone w/ diseases

First things first, you're disrespecting people experiencing homelessness. Not sure why you're picking on them, when the likelihood of that person prioritizing $100 to enter a swingers club for an evening is probably pretty low. I am not choosing to hook up with people (yet) in a public setting, but if I did, I would weigh all the risks and make a decision that matches with my risk tolerance. My risk tolerance is likely different than yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cool.

The year before we got divorced, we went to a swingers club in PG county. We also traveled to one of the nudist lifestyle resorts in Mexico.

The club was super strange and I wouldn't go back. The resort was a nice vacation that I would do again just to enjoy a quiet beach. I never participated in swinging, really just observed, explored the subculture, decided it wasn't for me. Too many rules around communication, homophobia/double standards around bisexuality.

Yeah this is what I was wondering - if it was a bunch of guys who want to gawk at women getting on performatively but never ever touch each other. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many of the men were there just to watch their wives?

Probably a few, but I didn't take a survey around and ask. Out on the dance floor, most of the men weren't dancing a bunch, more letting their ladies dance around them. My hubs loves to dance, so we were grooving. But, I bet those guys that were standing still were enjoying the view of their ladies dancing!

Ew ok. Thanks for confirming - not for me!