Location sharing with spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't currently, nor does my husband with me. But if that was his reaction? I'd be going through is phone TODAY. That response is suspicious AF.

Op here. I did, didn’t find anything.

How do you go through someone's phone? I don't have my husband's password nor he mine.

DP: We need each others passwords. We are old, lol, and the 2-factor log ins always trip us up, when one account defaults to his phone, and another one defaults to mine, etc. and we are too busy or on a zoom when the other needs the authenticaion code, we just hand over the phone and let them deal with it. Plus we have phone apps that operate window shades, security systems, speakers in the house for music, etc. and it is sometimes more convenient to grab the closest phone (I can never find mine). We also share a master lists of accounts and passwords, so either of us can do the taxes, or so we aren't locked out if one of us becomes incapactiated or worse.

Aren't you prepared for such eventualities? I can't imagine us hiding that information from each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should also add that a lot of this has to do with his mistrust of the “surveillance state.” He has some philosophical thing against it, which I said was dumb considering I am your wife not the government. He said he just doesn’t want to be tracked 24/7. I said I have no intention or desire to do that and around and around we went.

It ended with him agreeing to share and me removing it because I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.

I think I am going to take a couple steps back emotionally and see what he does - whether he matches my energy or not. If he doesn’t meant to share his location? Ok fine, I will never ask where he is ir what he is up to again.

He’s worried about surveillance? That’s fine, we all are, but that argument in this case doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. The tech companies and the apps on your phone are tracking you. When you use maps, delivery services, etc. they use location tracking on you.

So I don’t see how your spouse knowing where you are is the last straw in the surveillance bucket. I’d rather my spouse know my location than those other entities. Sharing my location with my spouse does not give those entities more info than they already have.

[Anonymous]

I this his reaction is very, very odd and I would be worried about what he's doing.

We do not share locations but we're together most of the time so no need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend's family all track each other and are proud to speak about how helpful it is but she also flipped out when her own parents retired and wanted to be in the tracking group because she didnt want them to know what her family was doing every moment. It was interesting to see her "over my dead body" reaction when she is such a big proponent of tracking.

Maybe because she knew her parents would not use it in the sprirt in which it is intended. Perhaps, again, you anti-location-sharing people don't understand - the problem isn't the techology, it's the relationship and how it's used. It sounds like you believe once you share your location with your spouse and children, you must be willing to share your location with any family member. But that is not how these things work, because again, it is driven by the relationship and nature of the use.

So you are saying then she doesn't trust her parents and they don't have a good relationship? Maybe her parents just want to check they are home before dropping over. Or maybe the woman is bringing the kids to her parents for the afternoon and the parents just want to see when she left the house. All innocent, not an issue of a bad relationship. Normal and healthy to have each others locations so you don't have to bother them with a text and can easily check to get a sense of their plans and to make your own plans. According to most posters on here it would be extremely rare and unusual and a sign of mental illness to use it for any purpose other than innocent good so I don't really see why you wouldn't share it broadly.

Under your philosophy, we should share our location with our neighbors and co-workers too! Once you we share with our spouse and kids, it's all open season. You obviously see it as all the same. As I have said, most normal people know there are differences in relationship.

But this conversation really suprised me! I hadn't expected the anti-technology to think all relationships are the same and the pro-technology people to argue the nuance of relationships.

[Anonymous]

Just chiming in as part of another couple that have been sharing locations for a very long time. We share our locations with our kids too.

Among other things it's convenient for organizing family logistics and provides peace of mind - knowing where everyone is and knowing that, if something unfortunate happened to me, they would know where I was.

For me, the best part is not having to respond to texts about how long it would be before I got home. My wife wasn't particularly a pest with such texts and mainly she was trying to figure out something like when to start dinner.

But we're an old married couple, very comfortable with one another, not chafing for independence, looking to hook up with others, or worried about infidelity. So there's not much downside to sharing our location information.

[Anonymous]

Our whole family is on Life360, which tracks your location and driving habits. Has crash alert and some other features. We've had it pretty much since it came out. DH, me, my mother, and the kids. Only one of the kids is still in college. How often do I look to see where anyone is? Not much. Sometimes to see if DH is enroute, as I don't want to text if he's driving.

Funny thing is it's one of my kids that probably looks the most--but I don't care. I'm not going anywhere that's a secret to anyone in my family.


Anyway OP, it's your DH's reaction that would trouble me. I can understand people who don't want to do this, but I would not expect a blow up about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't currently, nor does my husband with me. But if that was his reaction? I'd be going through is phone TODAY. That response is suspicious AF.

Op here. I did, didn’t find anything.

So now what?
Tell us how your marriage is otherwise then …

I mean, I guess he could have a burner phone but then why would he not want to share his location on the “clean” one? 🤔

As to how I was able to go through his phone, we share the same passcode. That’s why I thought nothing about this location sharing request! We’ve never had trust issues before. In my mind, it was to make logistics easier and simpler and not some huge ask or philosophical thing about trust and surveillance.

Our marriage in general is pretty good. We hardly ever fight, still have frequent sex l, still say I love you several times a day, etc. I think the reason why I’m feeling so upset about this is because we hardly ever fight and so I’m not used to this unsettled feeling.

At the end of the fight, I was still being pretty frosty and he wanted us to agree that it was a difference in perspective leading to misunderstanding and miscommunication. We use location sharing with our kids differently - I use it for logistics, he does use it to check up on them and make sure they are where they said there are. So that’s why he felt insulted when I asked. He thought I was implying that we think he is untrustworthy and up to shady stuff.

It’s interesting that he dislikes the “surveillance state” but is using the technology to surveil your kids because he apparently doesn’t trust them. His reaction is understandable given this context, but it sure doesn’t speak highly of his character, unless he has some reason for thinking the kids may be lying or doing bad things. I think the vast majority of us use the location settings for logistical or safety purposes.

I’m really surprised to learn that people don’t use the technology with their kids. I only check if they aren’t home when I expect them or, when they are new drivers driving at night or for long distances, whether they have reached their destinations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend's family all track each other and are proud to speak about how helpful it is but she also flipped out when her own parents retired and wanted to be in the tracking group because she didnt want them to know what her family was doing every moment. It was interesting to see her "over my dead body" reaction when she is such a big proponent of tracking.

Why is it weird? She doesn't want people outside of her household having their location. That sounds fine. No one is saying that everyone should share their location with everyone they come across. Your spouse and children are presumably closer to you than the starbucks barista or grandparents you see twice a year.

But why would it matter if they had her location? They would only check if it they needed to because of arriving / leaving or for safety.

DP: Maybe you would be fine with that, maybe not, becasue it depends on the relationship, obviously, as has been pointed out often on the thread. There are some people who you would not want to give location access to if they were using it for purposes that concern you, like an OCD spouse, manipulativley controling boyfriend, or mother with severe FOMO who might just show up if she thinks you are at a party she "should have been" invited to.

DH and I want the other to know where we are. We find it comforting and useful. I can't think of any scenario where I wouldn't want him to know where I was (unless he was arriving at a surpise party). But that certainly wouldn't apply ot everyone I know or am related to.

[Anonymous]

Op, I think it could show that you don't trust him and you need to back-off if he is not comfortable doing.

[Anonymous]

This is a general PSA:

Your spouse should have 'access' to your phone login in case of emergency.

You don't have to TELL them your password (though why you wouldn't is beyond me in a trusting relationship) but at least write it down and tell them where it is in case of an emergency.

My friend's husband died unexpectedly and she couldn't access his phone at all. Ever. You have to get a court order.

So, she lost all the automatic bill pay/logins/passwords that he had on his phone for home stuff, couldn't even pay the mortgage (two factor problem), contact numbers for family and work, etc. etc.

It was a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't currently, nor does my husband with me. But if that was his reaction? I'd be going through is phone TODAY. That response is suspicious AF.

Op here. I did, didn’t find anything.

How do you go through someone's phone? I don't have my husband's password nor he mine.

Of course I have my H's password and he has mine, why wouldn't he. How would he unlock it when he is using it.

[Anonymous]

Also, why wouldn't you want your spouse to be able to know where you are?

Literally, any answer I can think of is suspect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, why wouldn't you want your spouse to be able to know where you are?

Literally, any answer I can think of is suspect.

Could you imagine.

Hey hon I'm going out with friends Saturday.
Oh cool, where are you going?

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS CREEPER.

lolz

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re going to do what you’re going to do, and make excuses six ways to Sunday for his refusal and hesitancy to be “surveilled”. But as someone who used Find My to discover my husband’s infidelity (and ignored it and made excuses for it), I’d bet real money he’s up to something.

I encourage you to look into betrayal blindness, because it’s what you’re doing. Betrayal blindness is not allowing yourself to see what is going on, to connect the dots, or to fully engage with reality, because if you did, the information would threaten your relationship with the person who is most important to you.

Your husband is up to something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know couples that location share for logistical purposes, and it seems to work well for them. Neither I or DH have every expressed interest in doing so with each other, but I don't think he's have a strong reaction if I were to suggest it. I just don't need someone knowing where I am at every moment of my life. I'm not doing anything shady, I just enjoy autonomy.

This. I drop by Baskin-Robbins a little more often than I would like anyone to know. It's okay to want to keep a bit of privacy.

Yes, that's exactly what I mean. Except for me it's hitting the McDonald's drive through or Starbucks too often