When someone tells you they are not available ever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am a person whose calendar is now completely booked till Jan 10th, 2026. Then I am unavailable from 1st Feb to 10th April.

I have many friends who are super busy with family, social obligations, travel, medical treatments...and we all are empty nesters in our 50s and 60s.

My unavailability should not inconvenience anyone. It is what it is.

I am so curious about this. Can you share what you are doing each weekend (in a general sense?)

I hate this question. It’s like asking a new mom who’s unable to find time to shower what she does all day. If you don’t have a color-coded calendar where each color is a different family member, you aren’t operating the same family as someone who just has a handful of events. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, Homecoming, Middle School dance, kids’ birthday parties (attending and hosting friends), sports games, recitals, fall theater performance. Then there’s the shopping, prepping, planning, organizing. We’re traveling one weekend for a wedding. I grew up locally and have parents who also have birthdays, need hospital visits. Nieces, nephews have big events.

I see parent friends at school events and sports games. Sometimes after years of cheering on the same sideline, I find I have friends I want to see. Scheduling is always a challenge.

I also have friends who are family, like my kids’ godparents. Luckily we are all in the same boat. We will drop everything for each other in an emergency. Otherwise we’re understanding of commitments and spend months just texting funny videos back and forth.

Even when the kids are out, parents, nieces and nephews will need attention. The time that’s left, I’m spending doing everything I don’t have time to do now: working unrestrained hours, traveling, taking care of my own health.

Are there actually people who have endless hours of free time?

OP here. The friend is local and has local extended family.

My family is the busiest in terms of kid activities and work. My husband has the most demanding job if that matters. I’m not local and don’t have local family.

Our husbands work in the same industry. My husband is more senior. The very few times my husband has reached out, that husband always says yes.

I don’t think the friend doesn’t like me. We are as good friends as mom friends as we can be. Our kids attend the same school.

OP, you sound like a girl wondering what it means when a boy doesn’t call after a first date, except you’re married and this is a parent friendship. It’s not that complicated. Either she’ll call when she’s free or she won’t. You have a busy life, a spouse, 3 kids, and other friends. Focus your energy there.

[Anonymous]

She’s just not that into you. You are probably annoying, giving off the vibe of “I’m busier than you, my husband is more successful, my kids smarter and better looking and talented”. Or maybe your politics are rubbing her the wrong way. There are a million ways to annoy other people. Better to just move on.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see why you are so fixated on this woman. She isn’t that into you.

Maybe she is an introvert. I socialize with my DH or not at all because he is an extrovert and accepts more than enough invites. Too many, IMO! I like my friends a lot but see them and their DHs socially enough for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s just not that into you. You are probably annoying, giving off the vibe of “I’m busier than you, my husband is more successful, my kids smarter and better looking and talented”. Or maybe your politics are rubbing her the wrong way. There are a million ways to annoy other people. Better to just move on.

I absolutely do not give off the I’m better than you vibe. I do have three easy children. At the last gathering with the other friend trying to get together, our friend’s three children were violently upset. The kids are always fighting and upset. At the last school event, she was there with our three children. My kids were having a great time. I sat with friend. Her kids were fighting the entire time. They were not fighting with my kids.

We have been family friends since preschool. Our kids went to the same preschool and now attend the same elementary school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just not that into you. You are probably annoying, giving off the vibe of “I’m busier than you, my husband is more successful, my kids smarter and better looking and talented”. Or maybe your politics are rubbing her the wrong way. There are a million ways to annoy other people. Better to just move on.

I absolutely do not give off the I’m better than you vibe. I do have three easy children. At the last gathering with the other friend trying to get together, our friend’s three children were violently upset. The kids are always fighting and upset. At the last school event, she was there with our three children. My kids were having a great time. I sat with friend. Her kids were fighting the entire time. They were not fighting with my kids.

We have been family friends since preschool. Our kids went to the same preschool and now attend the same elementary school.

You’re giving off the “I’m better than you” vibe right now. Maybe she has friends whose kids fight and would rather spend time with them.

Clearly there’s something about her that you like, since you care so much about how she spends her time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just not that into you. You are probably annoying, giving off the vibe of “I’m busier than you, my husband is more successful, my kids smarter and better looking and talented”. Or maybe your politics are rubbing her the wrong way. There are a million ways to annoy other people. Better to just move on.

I absolutely do not give off the I’m better than you vibe. I do have three easy children. At the last gathering with the other friend trying to get together, our friend’s three children were violently upset. The kids are always fighting and upset. At the last school event, she was there with our three children. My kids were having a great time. I sat with friend. Her kids were fighting the entire time. They were not fighting with my kids.

We have been family friends since preschool. Our kids went to the same preschool and now attend the same elementary school.

You’re giving off the “I’m better than you” vibe right now. Maybe she has friends whose kids fight and would rather spend time with them.

Clearly there’s something about her that you like, since you care so much about how she spends her time.

She likes feeling superior to this other struggling mom. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just not that into you. You are probably annoying, giving off the vibe of “I’m busier than you, my husband is more successful, my kids smarter and better looking and talented”. Or maybe your politics are rubbing her the wrong way. There are a million ways to annoy other people. Better to just move on.

I absolutely do not give off the I’m better than you vibe. I do have three easy children. At the last gathering with the other friend trying to get together, our friend’s three children were violently upset. The kids are always fighting and upset. At the last school event, she was there with our three children. My kids were having a great time. I sat with friend. Her kids were fighting the entire time. They were not fighting with my kids.

We have been family friends since preschool. Our kids went to the same preschool and now attend the same elementary school.

You’re giving off the “I’m better than you” vibe right now. Maybe she has friends whose kids fight and would rather spend time with them.

Clearly there’s something about her that you like, since you care so much about how she spends her time.

She likes feeling superior to this other struggling mom. Sad.

Then wonders why the mom is never available.

Superiority won’t make you any friends, OP. Friendship is based on connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just not that into you. You are probably annoying, giving off the vibe of “I’m busier than you, my husband is more successful, my kids smarter and better looking and talented”. Or maybe your politics are rubbing her the wrong way. There are a million ways to annoy other people. Better to just move on.

I absolutely do not give off the I’m better than you vibe. I do have three easy children. At the last gathering with the other friend trying to get together, our friend’s three children were violently upset. The kids are always fighting and upset. At the last school event, she was there with our three children. My kids were having a great time. I sat with friend. Her kids were fighting the entire time. They were not fighting with my kids.

We have been family friends since preschool. Our kids went to the same preschool and now attend the same elementary school.

You’re giving off the “I’m better than you” vibe right now. Maybe she has friends whose kids fight and would rather spend time with them.

Clearly there’s something about her that you like, since you care so much about how she spends her time.

She likes feeling superior to this other struggling mom. Sad.

Then wonders why the mom is never available.

Superiority won’t make you any friends, OP. Friendship is based on connection.

Also if this is as good a mom friend as you have, your friendships aren’t very good.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe this thread is 8 pages.

"When someone tells you they are not available ever"

Answer: Okay. You move on. They are not available. End of. Goodbye. Nice knowing you. What else can be done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just not that into you. You are probably annoying, giving off the vibe of “I’m busier than you, my husband is more successful, my kids smarter and better looking and talented”. Or maybe your politics are rubbing her the wrong way. There are a million ways to annoy other people. Better to just move on.

I absolutely do not give off the I’m better than you vibe. I do have three easy children. At the last gathering with the other friend trying to get together, our friend’s three children were violently upset. The kids are always fighting and upset. At the last school event, she was there with our three children. My kids were having a great time. I sat with friend. Her kids were fighting the entire time. They were not fighting with my kids.

We have been family friends since preschool. Our kids went to the same preschool and now attend the same elementary school.

You’re giving off the “I’m better than you” vibe right now. Maybe she has friends whose kids fight and would rather spend time with them.

Clearly there’s something about her that you like, since you care so much about how she spends her time.

She likes feeling superior to this other struggling mom. Sad.

Omg that is so not true. She is probably my favorite local friend.

We have gone on outings and on vacation with the other friend. Other friend and my kids are easy. Both mutual friend and I adore our friend. On mutual friend’s birthday last year, we did a moms dinner and the entire time, friend seemed stressed because her husband was having a hard time at home with their kids. I realized then it is very hard for her to come out alone without kids.

Friend has tried signing up activities with my kids. I have seen friend in parking lot with kid refusing to come in. Friend has told me her kids hate school and don’t want to do any activities or sports.

Her husband told my husband after last vacation that we should try to travel without kids next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just not that into you. You are probably annoying, giving off the vibe of “I’m busier than you, my husband is more successful, my kids smarter and better looking and talented”. Or maybe your politics are rubbing her the wrong way. There are a million ways to annoy other people. Better to just move on.

I absolutely do not give off the I’m better than you vibe. I do have three easy children. At the last gathering with the other friend trying to get together, our friend’s three children were violently upset. The kids are always fighting and upset. At the last school event, she was there with our three children. My kids were having a great time. I sat with friend. Her kids were fighting the entire time. They were not fighting with my kids.

We have been family friends since preschool. Our kids went to the same preschool and now attend the same elementary school.

You’re giving off the “I’m better than you” vibe right now. Maybe she has friends whose kids fight and would rather spend time with them.

Clearly there’s something about her that you like, since you care so much about how she spends her time.

She likes feeling superior to this other struggling mom. Sad.

Omg that is so not true. She is probably my favorite local friend.

We have gone on outings and on vacation with the other friend. Other friend and my kids are easy. Both mutual friend and I adore our friend. On mutual friend’s birthday last year, we did a moms dinner and the entire time, friend seemed stressed because her husband was having a hard time at home with their kids. I realized then it is very hard for her to come out alone without kids.

Friend has tried signing up activities with my kids. I have seen friend in parking lot with kid refusing to come in. Friend has told me her kids hate school and don’t want to do any activities or sports.

Her husband told my husband after last vacation that we should try to travel without kids next time.

Then it seems obvious why she doesn’t have “time” for this…she doesn’t want to leave her DH alone with the difficult kids. Maybe he loses his temper and she is their shield. There is some dynamic at play that makes this very difficult for her and you are not being very understanding about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe this thread is 8 pages.

"When someone tells you they are not available ever"

Answer: Okay. You move on. They are not available. End of. Goodbye. Nice knowing you. What else can be done?

Good advice falling on deaf ears.

[Anonymous]

I am LOVING that OP is clearly explaining and illustrating exactly why people don't want to deal with her, but the only person who cannot see it is OP herself.

.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just not that into you. You are probably annoying, giving off the vibe of “I’m busier than you, my husband is more successful, my kids smarter and better looking and talented”. Or maybe your politics are rubbing her the wrong way. There are a million ways to annoy other people. Better to just move on.

I absolutely do not give off the I’m better than you vibe. I do have three easy children. At the last gathering with the other friend trying to get together, our friend’s three children were violently upset. The kids are always fighting and upset. At the last school event, she was there with our three children. My kids were having a great time. I sat with friend. Her kids were fighting the entire time. They were not fighting with my kids.

We have been family friends since preschool. Our kids went to the same preschool and now attend the same elementary school.

You’re giving off the “I’m better than you” vibe right now. Maybe she has friends whose kids fight and would rather spend time with them.

Clearly there’s something about her that you like, since you care so much about how she spends her time.

She likes feeling superior to this other struggling mom. Sad.

Then wonders why the mom is never available.

Superiority won’t make you any friends, OP. Friendship is based on connection.

Also if this is as good a mom friend as you have, your friendships aren’t very good.

I actually have a lot of friends. The friend has often told me how I have so many lovely friends and has told me how my kids take after me and that is why they are so social.

I will back off and give her space. We had different close family friend, also with dads who were friends. I had said that maybe the mom doesn’t want to hang out with us. DH told me that the husband doesn’t like his wife or kids. The dad actually likes us and our kids. They ended up getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just not that into you. You are probably annoying, giving off the vibe of “I’m busier than you, my husband is more successful, my kids smarter and better looking and talented”. Or maybe your politics are rubbing her the wrong way. There are a million ways to annoy other people. Better to just move on.

I absolutely do not give off the I’m better than you vibe. I do have three easy children. At the last gathering with the other friend trying to get together, our friend’s three children were violently upset. The kids are always fighting and upset. At the last school event, she was there with our three children. My kids were having a great time. I sat with friend. Her kids were fighting the entire time. They were not fighting with my kids.

We have been family friends since preschool. Our kids went to the same preschool and now attend the same elementary school.

You’re giving off the “I’m better than you” vibe right now. Maybe she has friends whose kids fight and would rather spend time with them.

Clearly there’s something about her that you like, since you care so much about how she spends her time.

She likes feeling superior to this other struggling mom. Sad.

Omg that is so not true. She is probably my favorite local friend.

We have gone on outings and on vacation with the other friend. Other friend and my kids are easy. Both mutual friend and I adore our friend. On mutual friend’s birthday last year, we did a moms dinner and the entire time, friend seemed stressed because her husband was having a hard time at home with their kids. I realized then it is very hard for her to come out alone without kids.

Friend has tried signing up activities with my kids. I have seen friend in parking lot with kid refusing to come in. Friend has told me her kids hate school and don’t want to do any activities or sports.

Her husband told my husband after last vacation that we should try to travel without kids next time.

Then it seems obvious why she doesn’t have “time” for this…she doesn’t want to leave her DH alone with the difficult kids. Maybe he loses his temper and she is their shield. There is some dynamic at play that makes this very difficult for her and you are not being very understanding about that.

Yes, she has shared that the husband has a short temper with the kids and probably her too. He gets annoyed often. My friend has both a husband and children problem.