(Vacation wife) Help. Spiraling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to pay allimony and that will help with his rent. You kicked him out, he cannot just break his lease and move back.

Don't listen to internet comments like this - talk to your attorney. A man previously the higher earner but lost his job after a legal separation, but 3 months before a divorce is finalized, is unlikely to be awarded alimony. A quick call with your attorney should clear this up.

Lol. You see guys how women act when the roles are reversed

Roles are reversed? No man would tolerate what this bozo put OP through. And then you think he should get alimony because he’s a drunk who lost his job? I don’t think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear Lord this man is the (non) gift that just keeps on giving.
I would rent the house out to somebody else, not to your ex. He doesn’t deserve that grace. You are a better person than him for even considering it, but I would set boundaries right now.

+1. This is a good suggestion. Rent out the in-law suite if you have to and had some additional childcare to drive your kids around. Ex can take public transport and visit kids if he has his act together-to be honest, I would be worried about him driving your kids around in case he slips again…

[Anonymous]

It’s a blessing in disguise that he can’t drive the kids. He’s a liar, that’s his proven track record. You CANNOT trust that he’s been sober since his DUI. You were already in a situation where you shouldn’t have been relying on him to drive the kids to activities. He’s SO good at *pretending* to be working out his s**t and bettering himself. How many times do you have to be burned by him to really believe that? There’s still some co-dependency there.

Creating stability for the kids cannot involve pretending that this s**t isn’t happening. You can protect them from the drama of it by being their north star, to the best of your ability but it’s like you’ve been desperately trying to prevent the ground from crumbling beneath your kids by doing frantic jumping jacks. It’s not going to work.

Don’t move him back in. As PP said, he has to figure out his own stuff. You frantically attempting to clean everything up to protect the kids’ stability is not sustainable, and will not work. He has to stop calling you sobbing - how many times has he done that? The best path to stability is problem-solving this on separately from him, with your own resources.

[Anonymous]

First thing - you need health insurance. His job cannot insure you post divorce anyway, so you need to find insurance for yourself. You’ll need it for the kids now too, even if he gets a job that can insure them you’ll need the option to add them back on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop contributing to the 529s at this time.

Do not pull your child out of daycare. You know your ex is unreliable and what will you do when you need to get her back in daycare? They will have filled the spot and you won't be able to get in and you will be in a bind.

Do not move your ex in to the basement. The fact that you've even floated this idea points to how enmeshed you still are with him.

Given that, how did you find a boyfriend and when do you have time for him? Any man who wants to date you with this mess is someone who likely has questionable judgment himself. You could be setting yourself for the next dramatic relationship fallout.

+1,000,000

I don’t necessarily echo the criticism of the guy you’re dating but everything else PP said should be very obvious to you (having your unstable ex take over childcare?!) You are still enmeshed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time for some tough love OP, so here it is:

I checked the date of your first post. It was January 3 of 2023. It’s now September 2nd 2025 and you’re spiraling because of this man.

Drop him.

And I mean that. Yes he’s the father of your children. You’re not cutting off their relationship. He is perfectly capable of maintaining some kind of relationship with those kids, be it from a distance, or when he gets his life together, in person. But you need to drop him. All of it. The finances with him, the investment that you have and how much he’s exercising, just all of it. You’re codependent with him and he’s going drag you down.

Keep your house. Your mortgage and rate are great.
Kids go to public school.
529’s are defunct until insurance and your retirement are shorted up.
Delay the divorce until you can pay for an atty.
That’s it.

Last thing: drop the boyfriend. I actually gasped out loud when I read that you’re trying to date through all of this. I’m honestly not sure what’s going on there, but that is a symptom of unhealthy choices. You do not have to bandwidth for a boyfriend right now. And I say that as another single mom who understands the need for companionship.

Don’t worry. The boyfriend will show himself out once he sees this mess.

What kind of predator would even entertain dating a woman with a 5 year old and a 7 year old but no divorce yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

Lol welcome to the club. A lot of us ex DHs have been paying extremely high child support and alimony to ex's some of whom choose to remain underpaid and the courts don't care.

As more and more women take on the burden a lot of men have been taking on we will see changes because women will use their emotions to change the system.

Your ex wife was the higher earner throughout the marriage, was fired for cause a year after you were separated, and you were ordered to pay alimony?

I find that very hard to believe.

[Anonymous]

OP, wow. Your previous post said you were starting a new job on Sept 2nd with a big raise and bonus potential - did that happen? Weird coincidence that your ex lost his job and revived all this drama at almost exactly the same time as your new job.

For now you need to stop trying to solve his problems for him. Where he lives, how he affords it, what he's able to do for his kids are not your responsibility.

Your priority should be figuring out how to get your kids and yourself health insurance stat. Presumably that's going to blow your budget (PP mentioned a $2400 monthly payment and a $130k salary.) You mentioned in a previous post that your entire extended family lives nearby - are they able/willing to help financially or possibly take you and your kids in while you stabilize your finances?

And bemoaning that this is going to cramp your dating life is pretty nuts OP, as is getting seriously involved with a new man while juggling two small kids and an unstable alcoholic separated DH with precarious finances.

[Anonymous]

OP - you should contact his employer you and your kids are eligible for COBRA . It’s 1.5 year of essentially the same insurance plan but he needs to sign up for you as his dependents with his company
You need to pay him the difference between just his individual plans and a group plan (or agree how to split the expenses on kids). It will be pretty expensive about $1400/month for an adult and kids but a good insurance and will give you time
I would also rent out the basement to a third party tenant to help paying the insurance
And don’t waste time on dating in this situation

[Anonymous]

Get on the ACA for insurance - healthcare.gov. For now, it is probably cheaper than COBRA. If your ex-husband moves into your basement, will he try as hard to find work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you should contact his employer you and your kids are eligible for COBRA . It’s 1.5 year of essentially the same insurance plan but he needs to sign up for you as his dependents with his company
You need to pay him the difference between just his individual plans and a group plan (or agree how to split the expenses on kids). It will be pretty expensive about $1400/month for an adult and kids but a good insurance and will give you time
I would also rent out the basement to a third party tenant to help paying the insurance
And don’t waste time on dating in this situation

Marketplace will be far cheaper than cobra.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are both bad with money. Forget about the 529 for now. Rent out the basement for someone else.
He should get a job (delivery, restaurants) when you are home and watch his child when you are at work.
He can rent a studio somewhere nearby.
My ex was going to lose his license after his DUI, but the courts forgot about it or didn't want to do it.

He’s not getting a delivery job with a suspended license due to a DUI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you should contact his employer you and your kids are eligible for COBRA . It’s 1.5 year of essentially the same insurance plan but he needs to sign up for you as his dependents with his company
You need to pay him the difference between just his individual plans and a group plan (or agree how to split the expenses on kids). It will be pretty expensive about $1400/month for an adult and kids but a good insurance and will give you time
I would also rent out the basement to a third party tenant to help paying the insurance
And don’t waste time on dating in this situation

Marketplace will be far cheaper than cobra.

She needs to compare the coverage , premiums, deductibles and out of pocket for comparable plans.
Also if there is dental. Marketplace dental is 3 times more expensive in DC for the same coverage as my COBRA. She needs to calculate all out of pocket for prior years she had paid (including deductible), her and kids dental visits copays etc. Do it in Excel spreadsheet. Kids need dental very often. I had a sudden tooth canal and an implant needed which Cobra plan covers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- everyone saying it's not my problem. I understand he is not my problem but in my mind, stability for my children is my problem. For example, if he moves to a studio far away and can't drive, then does he stop having custody of the kids? That would be so traumatic for them.

I have all my savings. He drained his savings to pay for his dui.

I agree, OP. I am surprised by everyone saying not your problem. He is the father of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you should contact his employer you and your kids are eligible for COBRA . It’s 1.5 year of essentially the same insurance plan but he needs to sign up for you as his dependents with his company
You need to pay him the difference between just his individual plans and a group plan (or agree how to split the expenses on kids). It will be pretty expensive about $1400/month for an adult and kids but a good insurance and will give you time
I would also rent out the basement to a third party tenant to help paying the insurance
And don’t waste time on dating in this situation

Marketplace will be far cheaper than cobra.

Not in 2026. Most states will see double digits premiums increases 15-25% thanks to Trump.
It’s important not to miss the 30 days deadline for COBRA sign up. She can shop around for ACA plans later and switch if it’s better in 2026