BF said choose marriage or a career

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got offered an amazing job that will boost my career and open the doors for a better opportunity. The position is another state for two years. My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t want me to go. He flat out told me he loves me and doesn’t want to wait for two years to start our lives together. He is ready to marry me and start a family and I have to decide if I want be with him or choose my career. I feel like I will lose in some way whichever I choose. I don’t know if I will find another guy I want to marry or how this will affect my career. I don’t want to choose.

If he really loved you enough to marry you, he wouldn't put you in this position. This is a red flag

If a guy were leaving they would say “if he loved you enough he would choose you over the job and wouldnt leave”

I am a female who agrees with your bf. You would be devastated if the roles were reversed - if you thought marriage was coming but he moved away. I vote stay and get married!

This is a good point.

I personally wouldn’t leave. The job is just two years and it’s a significant distance away. It’s easier to find a job than a person you want to marry, who wants to marry you. But I would not turn down the job without an immediate engagement. Not September - now.

Or you can get engaged/married while you are there. Why does two years away prevent you from doing so? Especially if you have a low-key wedding.

But, this is not "just a job". OP said it would bump up her career.

IMO, he doesn't care about her career or that she wants to climb up the ladder. That signals that he will expect her to always put him above her own wants and needs.

If the situation were in reverse, and he had an amazing opportunity to go up the career ladder, do you think he would not take it? Of course he would. And people would say, "Well, if that's going to give him the potential to be making a lot more money, then he should do it. You guys can always fly to see each other on the weekend. It's only 3.5 hour plane ride." Right?

The hypocrisy.

LOL bump her career. Alright if this is the type of job that's the gateway to the C suite then fine, if you're that type of person, go for it. I'd wager it's nothing like that and it's just any number of meaningless corporate roles that grind away the best years of your life. Can't find that out until you do it though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? What’s his job situation (can he come after a year/ do some remote work/ find a new job)? How far away is “one state” - very different if Philly from DC vs Houston to Albuquerque.

But overall not a great sign that he’s digging his heals in vs talking about compromises (you try it for a year, etc), how he might flex to support you, etc.

Why should he give up a year of his life pursuing someone who wants to start a family so someone can go be girl boss

Why should she give up wanting a career because he can't wait a bit to have a child, whom he will not be carrying and birthing but her?

And girl boss? Is that supposed to be an insult? Do we call men boy boss? Or an alpha male?

women use this term for themselves.

The term was made up by some marketing people, and I hate it. WTF does it even mean? Let's be real... in this context, "girl boss" is used negatively, like a ball buster or, back in my day when there was a strong assertive woman, she would be called a b*+ch.

Women should stop labeling themselves if they don't men and the world to label them. Such a dumb term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got offered an amazing job that will boost my career and open the doors for a better opportunity. The position is another state for two years. My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t want me to go. He flat out told me he loves me and doesn’t want to wait for two years to start our lives together. He is ready to marry me and start a family and I have to decide if I want be with him or choose my career. I feel like I will lose in some way whichever I choose. I don’t know if I will find another guy I want to marry or how this will affect my career. I don’t want to choose.

If he really loved you enough to marry you, he wouldn't put you in this position. This is a red flag

If a guy were leaving they would say “if he loved you enough he would choose you over the job and wouldnt leave”

I am a female who agrees with your bf. You would be devastated if the roles were reversed - if you thought marriage was coming but he moved away. I vote stay and get married!

This is a good point.

I personally wouldn’t leave. The job is just two years and it’s a significant distance away. It’s easier to find a job than a person you want to marry, who wants to marry you. But I would not turn down the job without an immediate engagement. Not September - now.

Or you can get engaged/married while you are there. Why does two years away prevent you from doing so? Especially if you have a low-key wedding.

But, this is not "just a job". OP said it would bump up her career.

IMO, he doesn't care about her career or that she wants to climb up the ladder. That signals that he will expect her to always put him above her own wants and needs.

If the situation were in reverse, and he had an amazing opportunity to go up the career ladder, do you think he would not take it? Of course he would. And people would say, "Well, if that's going to give him the potential to be making a lot more money, then he should do it. You guys can always fly to see each other on the weekend. It's only 3.5 hour plane ride." Right?

The hypocrisy.

LOL bump her career. Alright if this is the type of job that's the gateway to the C suite then fine, if you're that type of person, go for it. I'd wager it's nothing like that and it's just any number of meaningless corporate roles that grind away the best years of your life. Can't find that out until you do it though.

Why LOL? Would you LOL if it was a man posting this? I doubt it.

Again, such hypocrisy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? What’s his job situation (can he come after a year/ do some remote work/ find a new job)? How far away is “one state” - very different if Philly from DC vs Houston to Albuquerque.

But overall not a great sign that he’s digging his heals in vs talking about compromises (you try it for a year, etc), how he might flex to support you, etc.

Why should he give up a year of his life pursuing someone who wants to start a family so someone can go be girl boss

Why should she give up wanting a career because he can't wait a bit to have a child, whom he will not be carrying and birthing but her?

And girl boss? Is that supposed to be an insult? Do we call men boy boss? Or an alpha male?

women use this term for themselves.

It is not a widely used term. You should probably get off tiktok

wide enough to be the title of an entire tv show

Yes, you and other women who use this term are easy prey to the marketing industry.

You must be a millennial or younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got offered an amazing job that will boost my career and open the doors for a better opportunity. The position is another state for two years. My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t want me to go. He flat out told me he loves me and doesn’t want to wait for two years to start our lives together. He is ready to marry me and start a family and I have to decide if I want be with him or choose my career. I feel like I will lose in some way whichever I choose. I don’t know if I will find another guy I want to marry or how this will affect my career. I don’t want to choose.

If he really loved you enough to marry you, he wouldn't put you in this position. This is a red flag

If a guy were leaving they would say “if he loved you enough he would choose you over the job and wouldnt leave”

I am a female who agrees with your bf. You would be devastated if the roles were reversed - if you thought marriage was coming but he moved away. I vote stay and get married!

This is a good point.

I personally wouldn’t leave. The job is just two years and it’s a significant distance away. It’s easier to find a job than a person you want to marry, who wants to marry you. But I would not turn down the job without an immediate engagement. Not September - now.

Or you can get engaged/married while you are there. Why does two years away prevent you from doing so? Especially if you have a low-key wedding.

But, this is not "just a job". OP said it would bump up her career.

IMO, he doesn't care about her career or that she wants to climb up the ladder. That signals that he will expect her to always put him above her own wants and needs.

If the situation were in reverse, and he had an amazing opportunity to go up the career ladder, do you think he would not take it? Of course he would. And people would say, "Well, if that's going to give him the potential to be making a lot more money, then he should do it. You guys can always fly to see each other on the weekend. It's only 3.5 hour plane ride." Right?

The hypocrisy.

LOL bump her career. Alright if this is the type of job that's the gateway to the C suite then fine, if you're that type of person, go for it. I'd wager it's nothing like that and it's just any number of meaningless corporate roles that grind away the best years of your life. Can't find that out until you do it though.

Why LOL? Would you LOL if it was a man posting this? I doubt it.

Again, such hypocrisy.

I would 100% tell a man that he'd be better off prioritizing making a family, including OP's boyfriend, at any cost to his 'career'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? What’s his job situation (can he come after a year/ do some remote work/ find a new job)? How far away is “one state” - very different if Philly from DC vs Houston to Albuquerque.

But overall not a great sign that he’s digging his heals in vs talking about compromises (you try it for a year, etc), how he might flex to support you, etc.

Why should he give up a year of his life pursuing someone who wants to start a family so someone can go be girl boss

Why should she give up wanting a career because he can't wait a bit to have a child, whom he will not be carrying and birthing but her?

And girl boss? Is that supposed to be an insult? Do we call men boy boss? Or an alpha male?

women use this term for themselves.

It is not a widely used term. You should probably get off tiktok

wide enough to be the title of an entire tv show

I was not familiar with this show. But appears that it ran for one season in 2017 on Netflix. So you are even more ridiculous than I previously thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? What’s his job situation (can he come after a year/ do some remote work/ find a new job)? How far away is “one state” - very different if Philly from DC vs Houston to Albuquerque.

But overall not a great sign that he’s digging his heals in vs talking about compromises (you try it for a year, etc), how he might flex to support you, etc.

Why should he give up a year of his life pursuing someone who wants to start a family so someone can go be girl boss

Why should she give up wanting a career because he can't wait a bit to have a child, whom he will not be carrying and birthing but her?

And girl boss? Is that supposed to be an insult? Do we call men boy boss? Or an alpha male?

women use this term for themselves.

It is not a widely used term. You should probably get off tiktok

wide enough to be the title of an entire tv show

Yes, you and other women who use this term are easy prey to the marketing industry.

You must be a millennial or younger.

brb gotta refill my stanley cup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are YOU ready to marry him and start a family immediately? Or will you always resent him if you don't take this opportunity? I bet deep down, you already know. This is a gut decision.

I don't think there's a right or wrong, just be true to yourself and where you are in your life right now.

Marry - yes. Kids - not immediately but in the next 2-3 years. That’s our timeline that we discussed. We would start trying 1-2 years after being married.

I love him more than my job. I just wish I had both and he wasn’t willing to end our relationship over this. I know my career will be okay but I do worry my career will take a backseat to his once I have kids.

You can't have it all. I don't care what anyone says. Having him wait that long is not fair to him or you. What happens if a year and half in you meet some great guy where you moved and break up with him? You do need to choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

Then yeah, he probably feels completely blindsided. “Hey, I know we talked about getting married next year but I just got a better offer.”

Well then that just reveals another red flag rigidity and inflexible thinking ability to recalibrate things need to be able to do in marriage and with kids without having a tantrum and issuing ultimatums.

DP. I think it would be okay if he actually said those words. Issuing ultimatums without saying you are hurt is bad news.

But why should he be hurt?

Honestly anything other than an excitement and a willingness to figure it out together is a red flag.

DP. Because he loves her and wants to see her regularly. Y'all are desperate to make this guy the villain for having normal human feelings.

No one is chastising him for having feelings. Everyone understands them. What’s problematic are his actions in response to those feelings: the ultimatum and lack of flexibility to explore all options.

I also read the comment PP responded to as chastising. Why should he be hurt?

And all the people complaining that he isn't happy for her. But it's easier to lie than be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he cared about your growth and wishes, he wouldn’t push you away from this awesome opportunity. He would be figuring out a way to make the distance tenable.

Don’t shrink yourself or dim your light for a man. He’s your boyfriend. Not your husband (and if he were I’d still say run).

Yes, if it is meant to be you will work it out.

My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years - 5 of that was in a long distance relationship. (I went away for my doctorate, and he supported me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got offered an amazing job that will boost my career and open the doors for a better opportunity. The position is another state for two years. My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t want me to go. He flat out told me he loves me and doesn’t want to wait for two years to start our lives together. He is ready to marry me and start a family and I have to decide if I want be with him or choose my career. I feel like I will lose in some way whichever I choose. I don’t know if I will find another guy I want to marry or how this will affect my career. I don’t want to choose.

If he really loved you enough to marry you, he wouldn't put you in this position. This is a red flag

If a guy were leaving they would say “if he loved you enough he would choose you over the job and wouldnt leave”

I am a female who agrees with your bf. You would be devastated if the roles were reversed - if you thought marriage was coming but he moved away. I vote stay and get married!

This is a good point.

I personally wouldn’t leave. The job is just two years and it’s a significant distance away. It’s easier to find a job than a person you want to marry, who wants to marry you. But I would not turn down the job without an immediate engagement. Not September - now.

Or you can get engaged/married while you are there. Why does two years away prevent you from doing so? Especially if you have a low-key wedding.

But, this is not "just a job". OP said it would bump up her career.

IMO, he doesn't care about her career or that she wants to climb up the ladder. That signals that he will expect her to always put him above her own wants and needs.

If the situation were in reverse, and he had an amazing opportunity to go up the career ladder, do you think he would not take it? Of course he would. And people would say, "Well, if that's going to give him the potential to be making a lot more money, then he should do it. You guys can always fly to see each other on the weekend. It's only 3.5 hour plane ride." Right?

The hypocrisy.

LOL bump her career. Alright if this is the type of job that's the gateway to the C suite then fine, if you're that type of person, go for it. I'd wager it's nothing like that and it's just any number of meaningless corporate roles that grind away the best years of your life. Can't find that out until you do it though.

Why LOL? Would you LOL if it was a man posting this? I doubt it.

Again, such hypocrisy.

I would 100% tell a man that he'd be better off prioritizing making a family, including OP's boyfriend, at any cost to his 'career'.

+1. We would all be better off prioritizing relationships over work. But that would threaten capitalism so "feminists" have to sell us the workplace as the place that your life matters.

[Anonymous]

It’s easier to find another career opportunity than find a person who you love and who loves you back and whom you want to marry especially when you are not in your 20s

[Anonymous]

I think that’s a pretty reasonable request. You can’t have it all. And two years can turn into 3,4,5 etc.

If it was the boyfriend saying, yes I want marriage and kids with you but first I am just going to head out across the country for a couple years to further my career…OP would be equally reasonable to say that doesn’t work for me. Go if you want but we are done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

Is it me or is it extremely weird for your boss at work just randomly put you in for a role 25 hours away and let you know after?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely take the job
He is not a person to marry
Unless you want to be a breeder take the job!

Marriage is not a guarantee.
What if you divorce which by the way is statistically likely .

At this point in time choosing to stay with a man vs your career is dumb.

I would never marry a guy that told me not to take a job that enhances my career.

Tell him to move with you if he loves you he would . He doesn’t love you he loves the idea of being married and you taking care of the house