BF said choose marriage or a career

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

Then yeah, he probably feels completely blindsided. “Hey, I know we talked about getting married next year but I just got a better offer.”

Well then that just reveals another red flag rigidity and inflexible thinking ability to recalibrate things need to be able to do in marriage and with kids without having a tantrum and issuing ultimatums.

DP. I think it would be okay if he actually said those words. Issuing ultimatums without saying you are hurt is bad news.

But why should he be hurt?

Honestly anything other than an excitement and a willingness to figure it out together is a red flag.

If you cannot deal with your partner honestly and politely revealing their true feelings, then you are also a red flag.

Perhaps this guy had a vision of how his life would go and this job disrupts that. And he’s hurt and disappointed. Many would certainly understand that feeling if the sexes were reversed.

On a more basic level, it’s perfectly normal to want to see your love frequently. Some would say it’s a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

Then yeah, he probably feels completely blindsided. “Hey, I know we talked about getting married next year but I just got a better offer.”

Well then that just reveals another red flag rigidity and inflexible thinking ability to recalibrate things need to be able to do in marriage and with kids without having a tantrum and issuing ultimatums.

DP. I think it would be okay if he actually said those words. Issuing ultimatums without saying you are hurt is bad news.

But why should he be hurt?

Honestly anything other than an excitement and a willingness to figure it out together is a red flag.

DP. Because he loves her and wants to see her regularly. Y'all are desperate to make this guy the villain for having normal human feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the women on this site are the ones who will tell you to give up a man for career advancement every time. Take a stroll down through the rest of this site and ask yourself if you want to be like them.

Yet here you are. 😂😂😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the women on this site are the ones who will tell you to give up a man for career advancement every time. Take a stroll down through the rest of this site and ask yourself if you want to be like them.

Yet here you are. 😂😂😂

I go to the zoo too, it doesn't mean I want to be a monkey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

Then yeah, he probably feels completely blindsided. “Hey, I know we talked about getting married next year but I just got a better offer.”

Well then that just reveals another red flag rigidity and inflexible thinking ability to recalibrate things need to be able to do in marriage and with kids without having a tantrum and issuing ultimatums.

DP. I think it would be okay if he actually said those words. Issuing ultimatums without saying you are hurt is bad news.

But why should he be hurt?

Honestly anything other than an excitement and a willingness to figure it out together is a red flag.

DP. Because he loves her and wants to see her regularly. Y'all are desperate to make this guy the villain for having normal human feelings.

No one is chastising him for having feelings. Everyone understands them. What’s problematic are his actions in response to those feelings: the ultimatum and lack of flexibility to explore all options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? What’s his job situation (can he come after a year/ do some remote work/ find a new job)? How far away is “one state” - very different if Philly from DC vs Houston to Albuquerque.

But overall not a great sign that he’s digging his heals in vs talking about compromises (you try it for a year, etc), how he might flex to support you, etc.

Why should he give up a year of his life pursuing someone who wants to start a family so someone can go be girl boss

Why should she give up wanting a career because he can't wait a bit to have a child, whom he will not be carrying and birthing but her?

And girl boss? Is that supposed to be an insult? Do we call men boy boss? Or an alpha male?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got offered an amazing job that will boost my career and open the doors for a better opportunity. The position is another state for two years. My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t want me to go. He flat out told me he loves me and doesn’t want to wait for two years to start our lives together. He is ready to marry me and start a family and I have to decide if I want be with him or choose my career. I feel like I will lose in some way whichever I choose. I don’t know if I will find another guy I want to marry or how this will affect my career. I don’t want to choose.

Love is wanting for another person what they want for themselves. Sorry, he doesn't love you.

+1 IMO, him giving you this ultimatum is a peek into how your relationship will be in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not really an ultimatum to say the relationship is over if the other person moves across the country on their own.

lots of people have long distance relationships. I do agree that it's difficult, but it can be done if you really love that person. Clearly, he doesn't think it will work, which means, he doesn't really love her enough to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? What’s his job situation (can he come after a year/ do some remote work/ find a new job)? How far away is “one state” - very different if Philly from DC vs Houston to Albuquerque.

But overall not a great sign that he’s digging his heals in vs talking about compromises (you try it for a year, etc), how he might flex to support you, etc.

Why should he give up a year of his life pursuing someone who wants to start a family so someone can go be girl boss

Why should she give up wanting a career because he can't wait a bit to have a child, whom he will not be carrying and birthing but her?

And girl boss? Is that supposed to be an insult? Do we call men boy boss? Or an alpha male?

women use this term for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

Then yeah, he probably feels completely blindsided. “Hey, I know we talked about getting married next year but I just got a better offer.”

Well then that just reveals another red flag rigidity and inflexible thinking ability to recalibrate things need to be able to do in marriage and with kids without having a tantrum and issuing ultimatums.

DP. I think it would be okay if he actually said those words. Issuing ultimatums without saying you are hurt is bad news.

But why should he be hurt?

Honestly anything other than an excitement and a willingness to figure it out together is a red flag.

DP. Because he loves her and wants to see her regularly. Y'all are desperate to make this guy the villain for having normal human feelings.

No one is chastising him for having feelings. Everyone understands them. What’s problematic are his actions in response to those feelings: the ultimatum and lack of flexibility to explore all options.

I also read the comment PP responded to as chastising. Why should he be hurt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? What’s his job situation (can he come after a year/ do some remote work/ find a new job)? How far away is “one state” - very different if Philly from DC vs Houston to Albuquerque.

But overall not a great sign that he’s digging his heals in vs talking about compromises (you try it for a year, etc), how he might flex to support you, etc.

Why should he give up a year of his life pursuing someone who wants to start a family so someone can go be girl boss

Why should she give up wanting a career because he can't wait a bit to have a child, whom he will not be carrying and birthing but her?

And girl boss? Is that supposed to be an insult? Do we call men boy boss? Or an alpha male?

women use this term for themselves.

It is not a widely used term. You should probably get off tiktok

[Anonymous]

Could still get engaged in the near future and be planning the wedding for when she returns in two years. The time line would not be altered that much really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got offered an amazing job that will boost my career and open the doors for a better opportunity. The position is another state for two years. My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t want me to go. He flat out told me he loves me and doesn’t want to wait for two years to start our lives together. He is ready to marry me and start a family and I have to decide if I want be with him or choose my career. I feel like I will lose in some way whichever I choose. I don’t know if I will find another guy I want to marry or how this will affect my career. I don’t want to choose.

If he really loved you enough to marry you, he wouldn't put you in this position. This is a red flag

If a guy were leaving they would say “if he loved you enough he would choose you over the job and wouldnt leave”

I am a female who agrees with your bf. You would be devastated if the roles were reversed - if you thought marriage was coming but he moved away. I vote stay and get married!

This is a good point.

I personally wouldn’t leave. The job is just two years and it’s a significant distance away. It’s easier to find a job than a person you want to marry, who wants to marry you. But I would not turn down the job without an immediate engagement. Not September - now.

Or you can get engaged/married while you are there. Why does two years away prevent you from doing so? Especially if you have a low-key wedding.

But, this is not "just a job". OP said it would bump up her career.

IMO, he doesn't care about her career or that she wants to climb up the ladder. That signals that he will expect her to always put him above her own wants and needs.

If the situation were in reverse, and he had an amazing opportunity to go up the career ladder, do you think he would not take it? Of course he would. And people would say, "Well, if that's going to give him the potential to be making a lot more money, then he should do it. You guys can always fly to see each other on the weekend. It's only 3.5 hour plane ride." Right?

The hypocrisy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? What’s his job situation (can he come after a year/ do some remote work/ find a new job)? How far away is “one state” - very different if Philly from DC vs Houston to Albuquerque.

But overall not a great sign that he’s digging his heals in vs talking about compromises (you try it for a year, etc), how he might flex to support you, etc.

Why should he give up a year of his life pursuing someone who wants to start a family so someone can go be girl boss

Why should she give up wanting a career because he can't wait a bit to have a child, whom he will not be carrying and birthing but her?

And girl boss? Is that supposed to be an insult? Do we call men boy boss? Or an alpha male?

women use this term for themselves.

It is not a widely used term. You should probably get off tiktok

wide enough to be the title of an entire tv show

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? What’s his job situation (can he come after a year/ do some remote work/ find a new job)? How far away is “one state” - very different if Philly from DC vs Houston to Albuquerque.

But overall not a great sign that he’s digging his heals in vs talking about compromises (you try it for a year, etc), how he might flex to support you, etc.

Why should he give up a year of his life pursuing someone who wants to start a family so someone can go be girl boss

Why should she give up wanting a career because he can't wait a bit to have a child, whom he will not be carrying and birthing but her?

And girl boss? Is that supposed to be an insult? Do we call men boy boss? Or an alpha male?

women use this term for themselves.

Yeah on the context of MLMs. I’m an attorney and have never heard this legitimately used.