Civilizing details that you missed during childhood- share here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these aren’t really things. Eg washcloths are optional, as is tipping maids, and I have never heard of offering to pay the tip when someone buys a meal.

Agree that A LOT are not really things. It seems like PPs were embarrassed at some point and have turned the moments into something bigger. That said, the hand washing surprises me. I feel like that gets reinforced everywhere and you can't help but learn it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite, my mom taught me all these stupid little civilizing details such as “never pull up vertical blinds” and “no overhead lights” and how to fold towels on the hanging towel rack and use a nice pewter dish or towel-lined basket to set out things like bread at dinner , all while modeling horrific money habits and financial strain and moving us to a new apartment every 10-12 months and marrying and divorcing 3 times and not caring for the animals we adopted and on and on. All about silly stupid appearances and minor details while being an absolute mess.

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

I was taught they’re tacky and low-rent and make you look like you were raised in a trailer. Outside of the kitchen, we never used the overhead lights in our home - to this day they bother me and I don’t turn them off. It’s lamp lighting ONLY. I am not saying I care if anyone else uses overhead lights or that this is right, just that these were the kinds of “civilized details” OP laments not knowing that my mom taught me while otherwise leading a very disastrous life and not teaching important things because she didn’t know them.

What's wrong with being raised in a trailer?

Indeed, if that's your preference, do so. And please confirm to criticize those of us who choose otherwise.

NP. Gently, I think the PP is calling you (or your mother) out a bit on classism. Most people who live in trailers do not "choose to do so." They do so out of financial necessity. It's all very well to eschew overhead lighting, but being cruel to people who are already down makes you look much worse than harsh lighting ever could.

No, she is explicitly calling out classism in others, while most likely being classist herself. Like the Arlington or Bethesda moms who want to bus "poor kids" to good schools as long as they aren't bused to their kids' schools.

"Hate has no home here." And neither do "the poors".

I just have to wonder why you are on a board that obviously caters to those with means ( no judgement ) and wanting to turn every thread into an anti-poverty thread? You are obviously triggered by your upbringing and insistent on taking an innocent conversation and turning it into some type of privilege war, please stop. I grew up in a lower income household and watched my parents and family struggle, both financially and mentally. I worked hard to reverse those trends in my personal life and work hard every singly day to move forward in a positive light even with the "mean girl" stuff thrown at me by my own family while putting myself through school. I want better for my children, I want better for everyone, even for you. This site helps people like me, and exposes me to everyday things I never was exposed to and yes, actually provides some great advice on moving on in this world. I cannot look at everything through a poor, pity me filter as my children would pick up on that and I want to do better than my parents did in turning my children into good people who contributed to society in a positive light. You could do better to stop placing yourself in situation where you are so triggered, these people are not bad people. Mispoken sometimes, yes, but not ill intentioned in their hearts. Find some grace and take a pause before you react.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite, my mom taught me all these stupid little civilizing details such as “never pull up vertical blinds” and “no overhead lights” and how to fold towels on the hanging towel rack and use a nice pewter dish or towel-lined basket to set out things like bread at dinner , all while modeling horrific money habits and financial strain and moving us to a new apartment every 10-12 months and marrying and divorcing 3 times and not caring for the animals we adopted and on and on. All about silly stupid appearances and minor details while being an absolute mess.

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

I was taught they’re tacky and low-rent and make you look like you were raised in a trailer. Outside of the kitchen, we never used the overhead lights in our home - to this day they bother me and I don’t turn them off. It’s lamp lighting ONLY. I am not saying I care if anyone else uses overhead lights or that this is right, just that these were the kinds of “civilized details” OP laments not knowing that my mom taught me while otherwise leading a very disastrous life and not teaching important things because she didn’t know them.

Golly, wonder when recessed lights and 12’ ceilings came about.

Or does the whole world live in a little hobbit house with iridescent lighting and lamps?

My way or the highway!

Think of the old European houses and castles. Versailles has very high ceilings and no overhead lights.

I'm not sure I would go so far as to say that overhead lights are tacky but floor lamps are better. Fluorescent lighting is a no-no except for possibly in the utility room.

What are you talking about? The Hall of
Mirrors is incredibly famous for its chandeliers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite, my mom taught me all these stupid little civilizing details such as “never pull up vertical blinds” and “no overhead lights” and how to fold towels on the hanging towel rack and use a nice pewter dish or towel-lined basket to set out things like bread at dinner , all while modeling horrific money habits and financial strain and moving us to a new apartment every 10-12 months and marrying and divorcing 3 times and not caring for the animals we adopted and on and on. All about silly stupid appearances and minor details while being an absolute mess.

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

I was taught they’re tacky and low-rent and make you look like you were raised in a trailer. Outside of the kitchen, we never used the overhead lights in our home - to this day they bother me and I don’t turn them off. It’s lamp lighting ONLY. I am not saying I care if anyone else uses overhead lights or that this is right, just that these were the kinds of “civilized details” OP laments not knowing that my mom taught me while otherwise leading a very disastrous life and not teaching important things because she didn’t know them.

Golly, wonder when recessed lights and 12’ ceilings came about.

Or does the whole world live in a little hobbit house with iridescent lighting and lamps?

My way or the highway!

Think of the old European houses and castles. Versailles has very high ceilings and no overhead lights.

I'm not sure I would go so far as to say that overhead lights are tacky but floor lamps are better. Fluorescent lighting is a no-no except for possibly in the utility room.

Versailles was built before electricity! You wouldn't want candles or gas lamps up by the ceiling. You can't generalize anything from castles built hundreds of years ago!

This is all a bit ridiculous. I personally LOVE indirect lighting but I couldn't survive without overhead lights (we have mostly recessed). It is logical to have both. Do you all mean that you don't like fluorescent lighting?? I mean, agree there but that is not what anyone is saying.

This whole thread is so odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chapelle’s show did a wife swap skit where the white family didn’t use wash cloths, and the black dad is appalled they all use the same bar of soap directly on their bodies.

At 1:20 here:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Vrq01UB05Vc

What bacteria grows on soap?

[Anonymous]

Okay, will someone please make a post about how books in the living room or family photos are tacky? I remember these being inexplicably controversial items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite, my mom taught me all these stupid little civilizing details such as “never pull up vertical blinds” and “no overhead lights” and how to fold towels on the hanging towel rack and use a nice pewter dish or towel-lined basket to set out things like bread at dinner , all while modeling horrific money habits and financial strain and moving us to a new apartment every 10-12 months and marrying and divorcing 3 times and not caring for the animals we adopted and on and on. All about silly stupid appearances and minor details while being an absolute mess.

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

Yikes, I use overhead lights (at times - I do prefer a softer light) and don’t always raise the blinds. I also will keep good in their containers if it’s just us. I guess I’m base and crude and never knew it!

This is the second time someone has mentioned overhead lights. Will someone explain this to me? What is the issue with using overhead lights?

It's a convenience when you don't have servants to prepare rooms for your entry.

[Anonymous]

I am the youngest of 8, and my mom became ultra religious as she got older. My oldest siblings were taught manners and had a normal life, socializing with neighbors, listening to music, going to parties. By the time they got to me, there was no teaching and I was pretty much a feral kid playing outside until the sun went down. It was just assumed I learned things along the way. I had limited exposure to music, tv, absolutely no parties. I was born in the 70s, and didn’t see Ferris Bueller or other iconic 80s movies until I was in my 20s. A lot of college I was a bit awkward because I wouldn’t understand jokes or references to pop culture. As far as manners, I watched closely what other people did. I was very timid around my first (college) boyfriend’s mom (I was not allowed to date before college) because I knew I didn’t know anything about how to act or manners. Little things like don’t cut all of your meat at once, only one bite at a time. I can’t remember what else I picked up in college, but that’s pretty much what civilized me.
Washclothes… I grew up with them - but never liked them. I just use a bar of soap. My husband uses liquid body wash and a washcloth.
Overhead Lighting… I assume the people who dislike it are referring to fluorescent lighting? Almost every room in my house has a hanging fan / light combo. Or recessed lights. Or hanging lights. We have some lamps, which frankly I hate. They take up space, one more thing to dust, or worry the kids or dogs might knock it over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite, my mom taught me all these stupid little civilizing details such as “never pull up vertical blinds” and “no overhead lights” and how to fold towels on the hanging towel rack and use a nice pewter dish or towel-lined basket to set out things like bread at dinner , all while modeling horrific money habits and financial strain and moving us to a new apartment every 10-12 months and marrying and divorcing 3 times and not caring for the animals we adopted and on and on. All about silly stupid appearances and minor details while being an absolute mess.

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

I was taught they’re tacky and low-rent and make you look like you were raised in a trailer. Outside of the kitchen, we never used the overhead lights in our home - to this day they bother me and I don’t turn them off. It’s lamp lighting ONLY. I am not saying I care if anyone else uses overhead lights or that this is right, just that these were the kinds of “civilized details” OP laments not knowing that my mom taught me while otherwise leading a very disastrous life and not teaching important things because she didn’t know them.

Golly, wonder when recessed lights and 12’ ceilings came about.

Or does the whole world live in a little hobbit house with iridescent lighting and lamps?

My way or the highway!

Think of the old European houses and castles. Versailles has very high ceilings and no overhead lights.

I'm not sure I would go so far as to say that overhead lights are tacky but floor lamps are better. Fluorescent lighting is a no-no except for possibly in the utility room.

Most houses built the last 40 years have recessed lighting and and/or lamp switches.
I still hate most LED bulbs but they are finally coming out in warmer hues. Def don’t last for millions of house. Our always seem to go dead within 2-3 years; they seem very fragile somehow and not long lasting:

This is true. I am convinced that LED bulbs and dishwasher Rinse Aid do not last nearly as long as they are touted but I haven't done any tracking to verify. I need an app. Bulbs last for <1 year

[Anonymous]

Different people use different ways, there is no universal standard of civility, a lot depends on culture and resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite, my mom taught me all these stupid little civilizing details such as “never pull up vertical blinds” and “no overhead lights” and how to fold towels on the hanging towel rack and use a nice pewter dish or towel-lined basket to set out things like bread at dinner , all while modeling horrific money habits and financial strain and moving us to a new apartment every 10-12 months and marrying and divorcing 3 times and not caring for the animals we adopted and on and on. All about silly stupid appearances and minor details while being an absolute mess.

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

I was taught they’re tacky and low-rent and make you look like you were raised in a trailer. Outside of the kitchen, we never used the overhead lights in our home - to this day they bother me and I don’t turn them off. It’s lamp lighting ONLY. I am not saying I care if anyone else uses overhead lights or that this is right, just that these were the kinds of “civilized details” OP laments not knowing that my mom taught me while otherwise leading a very disastrous life and not teaching important things because she didn’t know them.

There’s nothing “civilized” about not using overhead lights. That’s just a thing your low income mom told you because your ceilings were too low.

It’s the way all of you are so personally victimized by what some crazy woman taught me growing up that’s so funny. The whole point is she had no clue what to ACTUALLY teach us so she taught us dumb shit that doesn’t matter!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different people use different ways, there is no universal standard of civility, a lot depends on culture and resources.

This is true but we are not talking about the world, we are talking about our presumably-American childhoods and our presumably-DC or DMV or DMV-adjacent adult lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, will someone please make a post about how books in the living room or family photos are tacky? I remember these being inexplicably controversial items.

Books in the living room is tacky? What alternate universe is this from?

[Anonymous]

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

I was taught they’re tacky and low-rent and make you look like you were raised in a trailer. Outside of the kitchen, we never used the overhead lights in our home - to this day they bother me and I don’t turn them off. It’s lamp lighting ONLY. I am not saying I care if anyone else uses overhead lights or that this is right, just that these were the kinds of “civilized details” OP laments not knowing that my mom taught me while otherwise leading a very disastrous life and not teaching important things because she didn’t know them.
What's wrong with being raised in a trailer?

Indeed, if that's your preference, do so. And please confirm to criticize those of us who choose otherwise.

NP. Gently, I think the PP is calling you (or your mother) out a bit on classism. Most people who live in trailers do not "choose to do so." They do so out of financial necessity. It's all very well to eschew overhead lighting, but being cruel to people who are already down makes you look much worse than harsh lighting ever could.

No, she is explicitly calling out classism in others, while most likely being classist herself. Like the Arlington or Bethesda moms who want to bus "poor kids" to good schools as long as they aren't bused to their kids' schools.

"Hate has no home here." And neither do "the poors".

I just have to wonder why you are on a board that obviously caters to those with means ( no judgement ) and wanting to turn every thread into an anti-poverty thread? You are obviously triggered by your upbringing and insistent on taking an innocent conversation and turning it into some type of privilege war, please stop. I grew up in a lower income household and watched my parents and family struggle, both financially and mentally. I worked hard to reverse those trends in my personal life and work hard every singly day to move forward in a positive light even with the "mean girl" stuff thrown at me by my own family while putting myself through school. I want better for my children, I want better for everyone, even for you. This site helps people like me, and exposes me to everyday things I never was exposed to and yes, actually provides some great advice on moving on in this world. I cannot look at everything through a poor, pity me filter as my children would pick up on that and I want to do better than my parents did in turning my children into good people who contributed to society in a positive light. You could do better to stop placing yourself in situation where you are so triggered, these people are not bad people. Mispoken sometimes, yes, but not ill intentioned in their hearts. Find some grace and take a pause before you react.

Everyone should stop a minute and read this post. It is the most graceful and kind post I've seen on DCUM in a very long time. Read it and absorb it people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all illustrates lack of socialization. The parents’ and thus the kids’.

Imagine how many kids continued to. It socialize or realize there were “other ways of doing things” and just continue on.

Sort of. I know that my mother was very well socialized by her parents. But she was a horrible raving lunatic — and that seemed to have prevented her from picking any of it up permanently and definitely prevented her from teaching any of it to us.

Socialized means beyond manners and etiquette and cultural normals; it means you went out weekly and interacted with other families and ages groups. At temple, at restaurants, when traveling, had/at parties, went to sports games or arts, wandered museums, visited friends and family in person.

You socialized with other humans. Not the tv. Not only your parents.

I feel like cultural norms vary though. You can't know manners in every setting and culture even with the "best upbringing".

Well read people or people who socialize across various circles or many circles do. Besides reading or picking up on others’ cultural nuances, you can first hand just follow their lead.

Ex. when I lived in Asia I did not pee down the storm drains nor hack up phlegm out in public or my house multiple times a day. But totally acceptable there!