Civilizing details that you missed during childhood- share here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all illustrates lack of socialization. The parents’ and thus the kids’.

Imagine how many kids continued to. It socialize or realize there were “other ways of doing things” and just continue on.

Sort of. I know that my mother was very well socialized by her parents. But she was a horrible raving lunatic — and that seemed to have prevented her from picking any of it up permanently and definitely prevented her from teaching any of it to us.

Socialized means beyond manners and etiquette and cultural normals; it means you went out weekly and interacted with other families and ages groups. At temple, at restaurants, when traveling, had/at parties, went to sports games or arts, wandered museums, visited friends and family in person.

You socialized with other humans. Not the tv. Not only your parents.

[Anonymous]

I'll throw my husband under the bus.

He didn't know you're supposed to trim hedges, bushes, trees, etc.

In fact, he refuses to do this. So, I do it, or our yard would be completely overgrown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite, my mom taught me all these stupid little civilizing details such as “never pull up vertical blinds” and “no overhead lights” and how to fold towels on the hanging towel rack and use a nice pewter dish or towel-lined basket to set out things like bread at dinner , all while modeling horrific money habits and financial strain and moving us to a new apartment every 10-12 months and marrying and divorcing 3 times and not caring for the animals we adopted and on and on. All about silly stupid appearances and minor details while being an absolute mess.

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

I was taught they’re tacky and low-rent and make you look like you were raised in a trailer. Outside of the kitchen, we never used the overhead lights in our home - to this day they bother me and I don’t turn them off. It’s lamp lighting ONLY. I am not saying I care if anyone else uses overhead lights or that this is right, just that these were the kinds of “civilized details” OP laments not knowing that my mom taught me while otherwise leading a very disastrous life and not teaching important things because she didn’t know them.

What's wrong with being raised in a trailer?

Indeed, if that's your preference, do so. And please confirm to criticize those of us who choose otherwise.

NP. Gently, I think the PP is calling you (or your mother) out a bit on classism. Most people who live in trailers do not "choose to do so." They do so out of financial necessity. It's all very well to eschew overhead lighting, but being cruel to people who are already down makes you look much worse than harsh lighting ever could.

[Anonymous]

My spouse didn’t know most social norms until college.
His parents were from different countries but also on the spectrum. They never went to much, no sports, no parties.
Luckily he caught on quickly and was intelligent. His guidance counselor helped him get into a top college. And his college roommates were helpful at introducing him to to weight lifting, running, rowing, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all illustrates lack of socialization. The parents’ and thus the kids’.

Imagine how many kids continued to. It socialize or realize there were “other ways of doing things” and just continue on.

Sort of. I know that my mother was very well socialized by her parents. But she was a horrible raving lunatic — and that seemed to have prevented her from picking any of it up permanently and definitely prevented her from teaching any of it to us.

Socialized means beyond manners and etiquette and cultural normals; it means you went out weekly and interacted with other families and ages groups. At temple, at restaurants, when traveling, had/at parties, went to sports games or arts, wandered museums, visited friends and family in person.

You socialized with other humans. Not the tv. Not only your parents.

What? Ok.

Well, nobody other than my mother was talking about washcloths either. Not while I “wandered in museums” lol. And we didn’t go to temple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite, my mom taught me all these stupid little civilizing details such as “never pull up vertical blinds” and “no overhead lights” and how to fold towels on the hanging towel rack and use a nice pewter dish or towel-lined basket to set out things like bread at dinner , all while modeling horrific money habits and financial strain and moving us to a new apartment every 10-12 months and marrying and divorcing 3 times and not caring for the animals we adopted and on and on. All about silly stupid appearances and minor details while being an absolute mess.

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

I was taught they’re tacky and low-rent and make you look like you were raised in a trailer. Outside of the kitchen, we never used the overhead lights in our home - to this day they bother me and I don’t turn them off. It’s lamp lighting ONLY. I am not saying I care if anyone else uses overhead lights or that this is right, just that these were the kinds of “civilized details” OP laments not knowing that my mom taught me while otherwise leading a very disastrous life and not teaching important things because she didn’t know them.

Golly, wonder when recessed lights and 12’ ceilings came about.

Or does the whole world live in a little hobbit house with iridescent lighting and lamps?

My way or the highway!

Think of the old European houses and castles. Versailles has very high ceilings and no overhead lights.

I'm not sure I would go so far as to say that overhead lights are tacky but floor lamps are better. Fluorescent lighting is a no-no except for possibly in the utility room.

Most houses built the last 40 years have recessed lighting and and/or lamp switches.
I still hate most LED bulbs but they are finally coming out in warmer hues. Def don’t last for millions of house. Our always seem to go dead within 2-3 years; they seem very fragile somehow and not long lasting:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever used a fork and knife to eat (fork in the left hand, knife in the right). We just ate with forks in our dominant hand, and eating Euro-style is very unnatural and fancy to me.

I didn’t know we’re supposed to send a thank you note after receiving a gift.

I thought meat should always be very, very well done.

This one is me. I work internationally and I always feel very awkward, but I'm too uncoordinated to shift to Euro-style on cutlery.

I grew up using cutlery American style as well. I've always had the sense that European style is more refined, but it feels awkward to me so I don't bother with it. How many people here use American vs. European style?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite, my mom taught me all these stupid little civilizing details such as “never pull up vertical blinds” and “no overhead lights” and how to fold towels on the hanging towel rack and use a nice pewter dish or towel-lined basket to set out things like bread at dinner , all while modeling horrific money habits and financial strain and moving us to a new apartment every 10-12 months and marrying and divorcing 3 times and not caring for the animals we adopted and on and on. All about silly stupid appearances and minor details while being an absolute mess.

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

I was taught they’re tacky and low-rent and make you look like you were raised in a trailer. Outside of the kitchen, we never used the overhead lights in our home - to this day they bother me and I don’t turn them off. It’s lamp lighting ONLY. I am not saying I care if anyone else uses overhead lights or that this is right, just that these were the kinds of “civilized details” OP laments not knowing that my mom taught me while otherwise leading a very disastrous life and not teaching important things because she didn’t know them.

What's wrong with being raised in a trailer?

NOTHING, do you guys not understand we are talking about the things our PARENTS did/didn’t instill in us? I literally began the original post by saying how problematic and pointless the things my mom taught me were compared to what I actually needed to know! The entire irony is she behaved horribly while teaching me that OVERHEAD LIGHTS were tacky and bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever used a fork and knife to eat (fork in the left hand, knife in the right). We just ate with forks in our dominant hand, and eating Euro-style is very unnatural and fancy to me.

I didn’t know we’re supposed to send a thank you note after receiving a gift.

I thought meat should always be very, very well done.

This one is me. I work internationally and I always feel very awkward, but I'm too uncoordinated to shift to Euro-style on cutlery.

I grew up using cutlery American style as well. I've always had the sense that European style is more refined, but it feels awkward to me so I don't bother with it. How many people here use American vs. European style?

If I’m eating meat I eat fork LH, knife RH.

My father explained it that you keep the meat warmer by only cutting immediately before you want to eat that bite.

I believe I asked the same question lots of kids do— why go back and forth and back and forth?! He said, don’t, keep your meat hot and use the fork in your left hand.

Whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever used a fork and knife to eat (fork in the left hand, knife in the right). We just ate with forks in our dominant hand, and eating Euro-style is very unnatural and fancy to me.

I didn’t know we’re supposed to send a thank you note after receiving a gift.

I thought meat should always be very, very well done.

This one is me. I work internationally and I always feel very awkward, but I'm too uncoordinated to shift to Euro-style on cutlery.

I grew up using cutlery American style as well. I've always had the sense that European style is more refined, but it feels awkward to me so I don't bother with it. How many people here use American vs. European style?

If I’m eating meat I eat fork LH, knife RH.

My father explained it that you keep the meat warmer by only cutting immediately before you want to eat that bite.

I believe I asked the same question lots of kids do— why go back and forth and back and forth?! He said, don’t, keep your meat hot and use the fork in your left hand.

Whatever.

The explanation I was told is that Americans, as opposed to Europeans, cut meat with their right hand but only hold the knife briefly and hold the fork in the right hand the majority of time to show their peaceful intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't use washcloths and I've never had an issue

+1. Neither do we. We’re clean people. No, we don’t “smell bad” (yes, really). Wet washcloths are bacteria breeding grounds unless you do laundry seven days a week. No thanks.

I use a new one every day. After my shower in the morning I just lay it out over the shower caddy and it's dry by the next morning at which point it goes in the laundry basket. *shrug*

My college age DD and her friends all use them, but just for facial cleaning outside of the shower. They keep a clean stack of them in their vanities and use a fresh one every morning. That's the extent of wash cloths being used in the younger generation that I've seen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite, my mom taught me all these stupid little civilizing details such as “never pull up vertical blinds” and “no overhead lights” and how to fold towels on the hanging towel rack and use a nice pewter dish or towel-lined basket to set out things like bread at dinner , all while modeling horrific money habits and financial strain and moving us to a new apartment every 10-12 months and marrying and divorcing 3 times and not caring for the animals we adopted and on and on. All about silly stupid appearances and minor details while being an absolute mess.

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

Yikes, I use overhead lights (at times - I do prefer a softer light) and don’t always raise the blinds. I also will keep good in their containers if it’s just us. I guess I’m base and crude and never knew it!

This is the second time someone has mentioned overhead lights. Will someone explain this to me? What is the issue with using overhead lights?

It's not directly a manners / class thing, it's a style thing. Some people like overhead lights and some don't. Most designers don't (softer light is flattering, lamps are "decor") so there is a link to money/class in the sense that designers agree with you if you are in the lamps category.
Personally, I like to see what I'm doing.

The house we moved into has recessed lighting in most rooms, not many, just usually in the corners. We upgraded those when we moved in and added dimmers for all of them. I prefer the soft lighting from lamps but those overhead recessed truly come in handy at times, ie the HOA meeting with hosted with many older neighbors attending who needed the brighter room to go over the notes and such. But, thank god for dimmers! lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all illustrates lack of socialization. The parents’ and thus the kids’.

Imagine how many kids continued to. It socialize or realize there were “other ways of doing things” and just continue on.

Sort of. I know that my mother was very well socialized by her parents. But she was a horrible raving lunatic — and that seemed to have prevented her from picking any of it up permanently and definitely prevented her from teaching any of it to us.

Socialized means beyond manners and etiquette and cultural normals; it means you went out weekly and interacted with other families and ages groups. At temple, at restaurants, when traveling, had/at parties, went to sports games or arts, wandered museums, visited friends and family in person.

You socialized with other humans. Not the tv. Not only your parents.

I feel like cultural norms vary though. You can't know manners in every setting and culture even with the "best upbringing".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite, my mom taught me all these stupid little civilizing details such as “never pull up vertical blinds” and “no overhead lights” and how to fold towels on the hanging towel rack and use a nice pewter dish or towel-lined basket to set out things like bread at dinner , all while modeling horrific money habits and financial strain and moving us to a new apartment every 10-12 months and marrying and divorcing 3 times and not caring for the animals we adopted and on and on. All about silly stupid appearances and minor details while being an absolute mess.

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

I was taught they’re tacky and low-rent and make you look like you were raised in a trailer. Outside of the kitchen, we never used the overhead lights in our home - to this day they bother me and I don’t turn them off. It’s lamp lighting ONLY. I am not saying I care if anyone else uses overhead lights or that this is right, just that these were the kinds of “civilized details” OP laments not knowing that my mom taught me while otherwise leading a very disastrous life and not teaching important things because she didn’t know them.

There’s nothing “civilized” about not using overhead lights. That’s just a thing your low income mom told you because your ceilings were too low.

[Anonymous]

Almost zero exposure to pop culture/what was generally popular with kids and adults at the time (mid to late 80s through late 90s) because my parents hated everything. No music - we could listen to the radio in the car on certain stations like the “70s, 80s, 90s mix” type stations on short trips. Anything else was horrible and inappropriate and my parents would rather sit in silence or listen to news and weather radio type stations.

No movies in theaters, but we could watch Disney and family type movies only on VHS or on TV in the basement only. No cable TV allowed but my parents would watch some of the popular network shows.

When I got a little older and I had my own money from birthday/Christmas gifts or babysitting, I wasn’t allowed to buy teen magazines because they were trash, wasn’t allowed to buy certain CD’s and music because they were also trash, they did let up on movies though as long as I paid for the tickets myself and either got my own ride or they could just drop me off and pick me up later. It was just overall very weird and controlling behavior.