DH making 16-yr old attend niece's 5th Bday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People om DCUM complain all the time about having no community wah wah wah well this is what it is. It's showing up for birthdays and hanging out with adults and playing with kids.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be very interested in seeing the demographics of the responses here. In our cultural background, for the most part, teens would be expected to help out at a family event if asked. And it is not a gender thing, I have two teen boys and would be appalled if they said they didn't want to and were not going to help out at a cousin's party if asked (unless they had a specific conflict with something else special they had planned, then we'd be open to discussion).

I’m team “ 16 year old must go” and we are middle eastern

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be very interested in seeing the demographics of the responses here. In our cultural background, for the most part, teens would be expected to help out at a family event if asked. And it is not a gender thing, I have two teen boys and would be appalled if they said they didn't want to and were not going to help out at a cousin's party if asked (unless they had a specific conflict with something else special they had planned, then we'd be open to discussion).

I’m team “ 16 year old must go” and we are middle eastern

Then wouldn’t you insist everyone go? Why does the sibling with a sports game get out of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People om DCUM complain all the time about having no community wah wah wah well this is what it is. It's showing up for birthdays and hanging out with adults and playing with kids.

\

Do we all do this? I certainly don't! and a 16 year old isn't going to play with a bunch of 4-5 year olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People om DCUM complain all the time about having no community wah wah wah well this is what it is. It's showing up for birthdays and hanging out with adults and playing with kids.

\

Do we all do this? I certainly don't! and a 16 year old isn't going to play with a bunch of 4-5 year olds.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People om DCUM complain all the time about having no community wah wah wah well this is what it is. It's showing up for birthdays and hanging out with adults and playing with kids.

\

Do we all do this? I certainly don't! and a 16 year old isn't going to play with a bunch of 4-5 year olds.

Maybe not you, but it’s a perennial favorite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why old people in America get stuck in nursing homes. We no longer value family. OP is upset that husband is “choosing” this party of their daughter’s game? The teenager does not want to go? My oldest son is 17 and our two youngest are 6 and 7. The 17 year old goes to the younger kids parties be it his siblings or younger family members. He does not complain. Is he happy to go? No… does he deal with it? Yes… it’s about making memories and connections. The day is not about OP’s daughter and her feelings. She can put that aside along with her enjoyment for a couple of hours. She can help out for a couple of hours.

Why should the girl martyr herself to attend a 5yr olds party with her 5yr old friends? The parents are the hosts and should do all the work. This isn’t a family gathering.

LOL. I think this might be what Louis CK called “top-shelf” words…

It’s pretty clear expect her to want to go bust her ass watching random kids instead of allowing a 16yr old to make up her own mind and have input.

And… doubling down on the hyperbole.

It's an appropriate response to the people who have decided, on their own, that this is a family party. When the OP clearly says it's a party for the friends of the 5yr old and includes the adult friends of the aunt and uncle. Therefore, not a family party at all. So why is it so important a 16 yr old attend this preschool party?

The details that you provide in the above post have nothing to do with using terms like “martyr herself” and “bust her ass” to describe the issues faced by a teen being forced to attend her five year old cousin’s birthday party.

Worst case scenario is she’ll be bored for a couple of hours. The horror.

[Anonymous]

If it’s a family gathering, I am with your DH.

[Anonymous]

Let’s be clear. This is SIL/BIL getting free babysitting so they can enjoy the party. What sucks is that your DH and his sibling sound like such jerks that they won’t even show any appreciation for the teenager who gets to work her butt off all day so they can converse. How nice for the jerks.

I personally do not let crap like this fly. I’d be clear with DH that this has zero to do with being there for family, it’s having your daughter work all day for your sibling and pretending it’s for her benefit. I’d tell him he’s exploiting her and not recognizing either intentionally or foolishly what is going on.

[Anonymous]

I definitely think your husband is right. Otherwise, I think the opposite attitude contributes to raising self-indulgent young adults who never feel like they have a responsibility towards anything in their community. It could be so valuable for your DD if she could learn to have a better attitude about such situations. My DD would definitely rather hang out with her friends her own age, but she would understand why she has to go and be there for family, and she would make the most of it by playing with the 5 year olds who look up to her. Do you not care at all if your DD has a relationship with the niece?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s be clear. This is SIL/BIL getting free babysitting so they can enjoy the party. What sucks is that your DH and his sibling sound like such jerks that they won’t even show any appreciation for the teenager who gets to work her butt off all day so they can converse. How nice for the jerks.

I personally do not let crap like this fly. I’d be clear with DH that this has zero to do with being there for family, it’s having your daughter work all day for your sibling and pretending it’s for her benefit. I’d tell him he’s exploiting her and not recognizing either intentionally or foolishly what is going on.

+1. Venues like Pump it Up is expensive. Sounds like the parents want free labor and the teenage girl to be smiling while she does it.

[Anonymous]

Let’s be clear. This is SIL/BIL getting free babysitting so they can enjoy the party. What sucks is that your DH and his sibling sound like such jerks that they won’t even show any appreciation for the teenager who gets to work her butt off all day so they can converse. How nice for the jerks.

I personally do not let crap like this fly. I’d be clear with DH that this has zero to do with being there for family, it’s having your daughter work all day for your sibling and pretending it’s for her benefit. I’d tell him he’s exploiting her and not recognizing either intentionally or foolishly what is going on.


+1. Venues like Pump it Up is expensive. Sounds like the parents want free labor and the teenage girl to be smiling while she does it.

Welcome to the reality of doing things you don't necessarily want to do for family. My husband is the parent liaison for my son's sports team (not soccer), I stepped up to be an assistant troop leader for my daughter's troop when no one else would. My daughter likely is too young to be much help, but if we wanted my son to help at a cousin's party, he would be there and be reasonably pleasant while doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Let’s be clear. This is SIL/BIL getting free babysitting so they can enjoy the party. What sucks is that your DH and his sibling sound like such jerks that they won’t even show any appreciation for the teenager who gets to work her butt off all day so they can converse. How nice for the jerks.

I personally do not let crap like this fly. I’d be clear with DH that this has zero to do with being there for family, it’s having your daughter work all day for your sibling and pretending it’s for her benefit. I’d tell him he’s exploiting her and not recognizing either intentionally or foolishly what is going on.


+1. Venues like Pump it Up is expensive. Sounds like the parents want free labor and the teenage girl to be smiling while she does it.

Welcome to the reality of doing things you don't necessarily want to do for family. My husband is the parent liaison for my son's sports team (not soccer), I stepped up to be an assistant troop leader for my daughter's troop when no one else would. My daughter likely is too young to be much help, but if we wanted my son to help at a cousin's party, he would be there and be reasonably pleasant while doing it.

Your son sounds kind. Many kids do not have enough experience doing things that are not immediately gratifying to them. And people wonder why there are so many selfish adults.

[Anonymous]

She should show up and stay for at least 45 minutes. She is probably the cool older cousin and five year old will probably be psyched to have her there. Fast forward sixty years from now, maybe younger cousin will visit her in the nursing home because she remembers her as the cool older cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Let’s be clear. This is SIL/BIL getting free babysitting so they can enjoy the party. What sucks is that your DH and his sibling sound like such jerks that they won’t even show any appreciation for the teenager who gets to work her butt off all day so they can converse. How nice for the jerks.

I personally do not let crap like this fly. I’d be clear with DH that this has zero to do with being there for family, it’s having your daughter work all day for your sibling and pretending it’s for her benefit. I’d tell him he’s exploiting her and not recognizing either intentionally or foolishly what is going on.


+1. Venues like Pump it Up is expensive. Sounds like the parents want free labor and the teenage girl to be smiling while she does it.

Welcome to the reality of doing things you don't necessarily want to do for family. My husband is the parent liaison for my son's sports team (not soccer), I stepped up to be an assistant troop leader for my daughter's troop when no one else would. My daughter likely is too young to be much help, but if we wanted my son to help at a cousin's party, he would be there and be reasonably pleasant while doing it.

First you chose to do those things. Second I doubt OPs in laws would expect a son to do this. That’s women’s work! Third, the in laws or even the DH have not asked the teenager help. They expect her to pretend she’s a guest and then do the work. This is the biggest problem,

My niece had to deal with this. Once she hit college she finally told her mom off for pimping her up at every family gathering to babysit all the young cousins. Her biggest point of anger is that no one ever thanked or recognized her work once. It’s patriarchal to expect the young woman to jump in and tend to all the children without ever acknowledging her work.