DH making 16-yr old attend niece's 5th Bday party

[Anonymous]

Of course she should go and be helpful. My children have young cousins and they agree.

[Anonymous]

I'm really shocked that people think a teenager should not be expected to help at a family event when asked. I guess if there is some extenuating circumstance (e.g., having to miss a special activity with her own friends, having taken multiple APs this week), I could see it, but none of that is mentioned here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The party is at my sister-in-law's house.

She's also miserable because she ends up babysitting a bunch of younger kids. Our other niece who is a teenager will not be there. We see them often so it's not like a rare occasion or anything.

She’s 16

Your husband wants to look good by offering his daughter as free labor and pretending that he’s raised such a family oriented kid that this is no big deal.

She does all the work and he gets all the credit.

It’s past time you stand up for your kid. If he makes her go, tell her to not do anything extra. She’s a guest. She’s not a babysitter. And she especially shouldn’t be doing more work than your husband. Tell her to take a page out of every lazy dad’s playbook and “go to the bathroom” whenever there’s a demand for kid wrangling. Stay there for at least 30 minutes (or if there’s only one bathroom just stand outside the door and take her time coming back.) Also give her permission to take a “call” from you if she feels stuck, so she has an excuse to step outside and use the phone in private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you are nuts. I think the expectations for this type of thing vary by family and circumstances.

It's sounds like your DH's family is like mine. We all get together for every birthday if we possibly can. My teens will always go to a party at their cousins' house. (They are similarly much older than all their cousins, who are preschool to early elementary.) However, my family doesn't expect them to go to the party the cousins host for their school friends (like the PP mentioned at a place like Pump it Up). We do the family get together and the little kid party separately.

If it is at their house, I think you taking one child to the sporting event and your DH taking your 16 year old to the party is a good compromise. If the party is at some little-kid place, I think you could let the 16 year old skip it and your husband can go represent your family.

Actually no, this isn’t the tradition in the paternal family. Remember the other teen cousins on the husband’s side are not going to the 5 year old’s party.

The OP’s daughter is the only one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The party is at my sister-in-law's house.

She's also miserable because she ends up babysitting a bunch of younger kids. Our other niece who is a teenager will not be there. We see them often so it's not like a rare occasion or anything.

She’s 16

Your husband wants to look good by offering his daughter as free labor and pretending that he’s raised such a family oriented kid that this is no big deal.

She does all the work and he gets all the credit.

It’s past time you stand up for your kid. If he makes her go, tell her to not do anything extra. She’s a guest. She’s not a babysitter. And she especially shouldn’t be doing more work than your husband. Tell her to take a page out of every lazy dad’s playbook and “go to the bathroom” whenever there’s a demand for kid wrangling. Stay there for at least 30 minutes (or if there’s only one bathroom just stand outside the door and take her time coming back.) Also give her permission to take a “call” from you if she feels stuck, so she has an excuse to step outside and use the phone in private.

This reaction is pretty over the top. If she has 10 cousins and is asked to help out at parties every other weekend, then maybe this is warranted. But if this is a once or twice a year type thing, she should go if she's otherwise not busy with an activity or homework. It's good to make time for family events - for her as well as the rest of the family.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all - very good points made here.

She just told me she wants to compromise by going to the party if she can go to her "friend" that's a boy's house tonight. Which I'm also not comfortable with as I don't know him or his family at all.. ah the saga continues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all - very good points made here.

She just told me she wants to compromise by going to the party if she can go to her "friend" that's a boy's house tonight. Which I'm also not comfortable with as I don't know him or his family at all.. ah the saga continues. [/quote

If you had just sided with your husband from the beginning you wouldn’t need to make compromises that involve potential for sexual activity.

[Anonymous]

I don't think her meeting this other friend should have anything to do with the party and whether or not she helps. They are separate issues.

The way I look at it is that I do a lot for my son. I drive him and his friends where they need to go (some of the friends are now 16, he is not yet). I am paying for him to do an expensive summer program that he is interested, and for sports training, I am always available to him if he wants help at school, I make an effort to buy and cook him food that he likes. One the occasional instances when I ask him to do something for me or my family, my expectation is that unless there is some conflict or reason, he is going to agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all - very good points made here.

She just told me she wants to compromise by going to the party if she can go to her "friend" that's a boy's house tonight. Which I'm also not comfortable with as I don't know him or his family at all.. ah the saga continues. [/quote

If you had just sided with your husband from the beginning you wouldn’t need to make compromises that involve potential for sexual activity.

She had no clue how I felt about her going to the party. We don't take sides in front of our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The party is at my sister-in-law's house.

She's also miserable because she ends up babysitting a bunch of younger kids. Our other niece who is a teenager will not be there. We see them often so it's not like a rare occasion or anything.

This is 10:40 again. If it's at the house, she should go, BUT she should not be expected to act as a babysitter. She should be able to act as any of the adult guests.

+100000

[Anonymous]

Yes she should go- this is a very normal ask

At any rate, is not worth a disagreement with your DH. IMO.

[Anonymous]

Yes she should attend. Why are you coddling her? She sounds like a brat

[Anonymous]

Unless the 16 year old has something else going on, I agree with your husband that she should go. As for the sporting event, toss up. I’d be fine with whatever choice my spouse made. If it were me I’d probably go to the bday party because we show up for virtually every single event for our kids so missing one won’t matter and it’s a good reason for missing.

[Anonymous]

She should absolutely go! It’s family! My kids love spending time with their little cousins even thought they are all 8-10 years younger. It’s very important to build family ties and it’s not as if she has a conflict regarding a sport or something school related. It’s actually quite selfish of you to just let her stay home. Please don’t raise her to be entitled and only look out for her own convenience. If you don’t emphasize the importance of family right now, it might come back to bite you as she gets older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm nuts, but I disagree with my husband making our 16-year-old daughter attend our niece's 5th bday party. There will mainly be a bunch of 5-year-olds or younger, and our other niece who is 8, along with my in-laws and some of their adult friends. She is miserable about it and I don't blame her. He thinks she should go because it's family. I will be at our other daughter's sporting event (which makes me angry he's choosing the bday party over our daughter's sporting event to begin with). thoughts?

Older daughter should go. What is younger daughter’s sporting event and how old is she? I would actually say you and younger daughter should miss that or come late etc. Family is important. If you model this for your kids, then they will do the same to you when you’re old. You show up, deal with different types of people, create bonds with family.