FIL divested assets and now has no way to pay for MIL's nursing home care.

[Anonymous]

Basically, you all either need more info, or you need to drop the rope. None of these are your problems, but I'm sure your DH wants to help his dad and his brother.

I'd think about finding an article that talks about bringing others into doctor's visits - to help document what the doctor is saying, take notes, etc. I'm sure you can find that suggestion. Because in this lack of info, listening ot what the doctor's authoritatively say is really important. and getting info from your FIL seems like it's not working. I think earlier you said your DH did'nt want in on the Dr's visits, but I think that's the crux of the matter right there. You need info.

The rest of it -the money, the house, the "gift," the look back or no - you just really need a lawyer. Frankly given what little you know I am not sure the house ever would have sold for the appraised value and a lawyer can walk you through all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was there anything in writing about ILs continuing to use the house for living part time or storage?

OP this is so awful and I feel for your MIL. How frightened she must be. I don’t know what you can do right now to help her besides saying to DH and his siblings
-FIL is an alcoholic and is not capable of managing MILs care
-It is scary that he is denying you access to records and providers
-I hope that you approach him together and tell FIL to name one of you as POA, and tell him you will go to court if he says no

It sounds like everyone has danced to FIL’s fiddle for a long time, and no one wants to stand up to him. It’s impossible for the rest of the family to make any decisions or figure anything out because FIL denies the information. Unless one of the children can take over I feel that MIL will be trapped under his “care.””

I’m also worried for BIL and his wife in the original house. If FIL tries to bring her there without adequate care, but could put them in a dicey position. Perhaps needs to be reported to adult social services.

Wow, so sorry OP

The bolded so, so, so much. The adult children afraid to confront their alcoholic father. I think I'd tell my husband that you object to helping with MIL's bills unless and until FIL talks to an elder care law attorney and your husband is allowed to be present for that conversation. I have a feeling the financial situation might be much worse than you all think - i.e. - mountains of debt.

A mountain of debt doesn't matter as when they die it will just go away. That means you are worried about inheritance and there is none.

Of course it matters as far as assets and resources to pay for care for OP's MIL, who is still alive. Not to mention FIL.

[Anonymous]

As others have said, recommend a meeting with an elder care attorney.

DH should contact the facility where MIL is currently. Explain that FIL is not making good decisions & ask for a meeting with social worker to get info.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like FIL did have a plan:

1. BIL and SIL will provide care for him and his wife in his life-long home while he also gets a bonus cabin to faff off to
2. You and your DH will provide the $$$ as penitence for "abandoning the family" for some "fancy-pants big city job"

FIL had the extraordinary good fortune to inherit a house. He could have saved his house payments but instead he sucked equity out of the house using mortgages.

Then he figured out a scheme whereby BIL and SIL actually GAVE HIM MORE MONEY for his house that he continues to live in and lord over. Plus he got a bonus cabin! And FIL has the audacity to tell them that he was doing THEM a favor by selling under market!

What a selfish, awful person your FIL is. Everyone is suffering but him.

[Anonymous]

OP, has DH suggested an elder care attorney? How was that suggestion received?

[Anonymous]

The constant comments about consulting an elder care attorney are hilarious. Op has made it clear that her fil will not and has never asked for or listened to anyone else's advice. He is driving the car right off of a cliff and has no intention of doing anything else. What makes anyone reading this post think he will pay for any kind of outside advice? Have you all never dealt with personalities like this? He's an alcoholic on top of everything else.

Also to the people saying op should butt out and not post about this, I disagree. This post has lots of helpful information about situations many of us are going to face.

[Anonymous]

Op can you link your other posts here? I've only seen the one referenced above.