Dear MILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please help me understand why her saying that her son looks tired equals a passive-aggressive indictment of you. Why couldn’t she just be making a comment that just happened when you weren’t there?

Which also leads me to question if the passive-aggressiveness wasn’t actually coming from your husband?? What was his purpose in sharing the comment? Does he think he’s doing more than you are?

I think it's pretty clear OP knows here marriage is on the rocks and likely doomed. She seems to be in panic mode that now MIL will find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a small-minded and miserable woman. And your husband is dumb enough to report back to you what she said (also you don’t know if he exaggerated to rile you up). You two sound like a good match.

How am I small minded? Because I call MILs out on sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.

Let’s see how you react when your mil does the same thing.

So let's be clear here. It's Mils's business to ask how your pregnancy is going. if you are feeling well if you are tired? However it's not her business to ask how her son is doing? If she asks after her son she is judging you and your marriage.

Do I have this correct?

My point is that I had a super rough pregnancy and labor which is a lot more than her son went through yet she didn’t seem to care about me at all because she never asked but her son seems tired which is a natural thing for a first time parent of a young baby and she acts concerned about.

Also interesting how we were together all day and then she waifs until I leave the room to ask my husband that question.

That’s the part that really stuck out to me that it was her passive aggressive way of hinting that I’m not doing enough.

Oh so you're a controlling narcissist.. This entire thing makes sense now

How am I a controlling narcissist? I told you my mil didn’t ask about me at all and a tough pregnancy and labor is a lot more serious than seeming tired.

That’s what bothered me she seemed to only view me as an incubator for her grandchild.

So her precious baby boy is tied. It’s not good mil to not show any concern for your DIl.

Where are your parents? Are they scared of you too?

Because I’m upset people must be afraid of me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a small-minded and miserable woman. And your husband is dumb enough to report back to you what she said (also you don’t know if he exaggerated to rile you up). You two sound like a good match.

How am I small minded? Because I call MILs out on sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.

Let’s see how you react when your mil does the same thing.

So let's be clear here. It's Mils's business to ask how your pregnancy is going. if you are feeling well if you are tired? However it's not her business to ask how her son is doing? If she asks after her son she is judging you and your marriage.

Do I have this correct?

My point is that I had a super rough pregnancy and labor which is a lot more than her son went through yet she didn’t seem to care about me at all because she never asked but her son seems tired which is a natural thing for a first time parent of a young baby and she acts concerned about.

Also interesting how we were together all day and then she waifs until I leave the room to ask my husband that question.

That’s the part that really stuck out to me that it was her passive aggressive way of hinting that I’m not doing enough.

Oh so you're a controlling narcissist.. This entire thing makes sense now

How am I a controlling narcissist? I told you my mil didn’t ask about me at all and a tough pregnancy and labor is a lot more serious than seeming tired.

That’s what bothered me she seemed to only view me as an incubator for her grandchild.

So her precious baby boy is tied. It’s not good mil to not show any concern for your DIl.

Where are your parents? Are they scared of you too?

Because I’m upset people must be afraid of me.

Well, where are your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please help me understand why her saying that her son looks tired equals a passive-aggressive indictment of you. Why couldn’t she just be making a comment that just happened when you weren’t there?

Which also leads me to question if the passive-aggressiveness wasn’t actually coming from your husband?? What was his purpose in sharing the comment? Does he think he’s doing more than you are?

He may be doing a little more but marriage shouldn’t be about bean counting and keeping score. Not to mention after the pregnancy and labor women experience it’s ok for men to do a little more once the baby is born. It’s the least they can do after carrying their child for 9 months. Let’s be real here. Mothers will always carry the brunt of childcare and even in 2024 it’s not truly equal. So if for a little while the man is technically doing more of the grunt work it doesn’t compare at all to all the emotional and mothering that will happen compared to the amount of work the men do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a small-minded and miserable woman. And your husband is dumb enough to report back to you what she said (also you don’t know if he exaggerated to rile you up). You two sound like a good match.

How am I small minded? Because I call MILs out on sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.

Let’s see how you react when your mil does the same thing.

So let's be clear here. It's Mils's business to ask how your pregnancy is going. if you are feeling well if you are tired? However it's not her business to ask how her son is doing? If she asks after her son she is judging you and your marriage.

Do I have this correct?

My point is that I had a super rough pregnancy and labor which is a lot more than her son went through yet she didn’t seem to care about me at all because she never asked but her son seems tired which is a natural thing for a first time parent of a young baby and she acts concerned about.

Also interesting how we were together all day and then she waifs until I leave the room to ask my husband that question.

That’s the part that really stuck out to me that it was her passive aggressive way of hinting that I’m not doing enough.

Oh so you're a controlling narcissist.. This entire thing makes sense now

How am I a controlling narcissist? I told you my mil didn’t ask about me at all and a tough pregnancy and labor is a lot more serious than seeming tired.

That’s what bothered me she seemed to only view me as an incubator for her grandchild.

So her precious baby boy is tied. It’s not good mil to not show any concern for your DIl.

Where are your parents? Are they scared of you too?

Because I’m upset people must be afraid of me.

Well, where are your parents?

Why is that relevant? They live on the other side of the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a small-minded and miserable woman. And your husband is dumb enough to report back to you what she said (also you don’t know if he exaggerated to rile you up). You two sound like a good match.

How am I small minded? Because I call MILs out on sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.

Let’s see how you react when your mil does the same thing.

So let's be clear here. It's Mils's business to ask how your pregnancy is going. if you are feeling well if you are tired? However it's not her business to ask how her son is doing? If she asks after her son she is judging you and your marriage.

Do I have this correct?

My point is that I had a super rough pregnancy and labor which is a lot more than her son went through yet she didn’t seem to care about me at all because she never asked but her son seems tired which is a natural thing for a first time parent of a young baby and she acts concerned about.

Also interesting how we were together all day and then she waifs until I leave the room to ask my husband that question.

That’s the part that really stuck out to me that it was her passive aggressive way of hinting that I’m not doing enough.

OP the bolded assumption is where you are potentially being unreasonable. Just because your MIL did not ask you directly how you are doing does not mean that she does not care about you or how you are doing. You are filtering that through your assumptions. She could have avoided asking you about yourself because she was afraid, based on prior experiences with you, that anything she said could be interpreted poorly, like she doesn’t believe you are competent or doing well as a mother. Based on your post alone I think this is highly likely. You need to look within and check yourself.

OP my MIL died 10 years ago and I still mourn for her, I loved her so much. She was just a lovely lady. But I don’t ever recall her asking me how I was doing directly, ever. She was not a perfect person and could be temperamental and obnoxious. I know she loved me and cared because I just know, but she primarily communicated with DH and I know she also routinely asked him how he was doing. I also had difficult pregnancies and even had surgery during my first pregnancy. Very few people seem to ask women during this stressful time “are you ok.” Remember when Meghan Markle started crying during that interview just because the guy asked her “are you ok?” You have a lot of hormones rushing through you but you need to be gracious and respectful.

How could your mil both be simultaneously obnoxious and lovely at the same time? Those adjectives are complete opposites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a small-minded and miserable woman. And your husband is dumb enough to report back to you what she said (also you don’t know if he exaggerated to rile you up). You two sound like a good match.

How am I small minded? Because I call MILs out on sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.

Let’s see how you react when your mil does the same thing.

So let's be clear here. It's Mils's business to ask how your pregnancy is going. if you are feeling well if you are tired? However it's not her business to ask how her son is doing? If she asks after her son she is judging you and your marriage.

Do I have this correct?

My point is that I had a super rough pregnancy and labor which is a lot more than her son went through yet she didn’t seem to care about me at all because she never asked but her son seems tired which is a natural thing for a first time parent of a young baby and she acts concerned about.

Also interesting how we were together all day and then she waifs until I leave the room to ask my husband that question.

That’s the part that really stuck out to me that it was her passive aggressive way of hinting that I’m not doing enough.

OP the bolded assumption is where you are potentially being unreasonable. Just because your MIL did not ask you directly how you are doing does not mean that she does not care about you or how you are doing. You are filtering that through your assumptions. She could have avoided asking you about yourself because she was afraid, based on prior experiences with you, that anything she said could be interpreted poorly, like she doesn’t believe you are competent or doing well as a mother. Based on your post alone I think this is highly likely. You need to look within and check yourself.

OP my MIL died 10 years ago and I still mourn for her, I loved her so much. She was just a lovely lady. But I don’t ever recall her asking me how I was doing directly, ever. She was not a perfect person and could be temperamental and obnoxious. I know she loved me and cared because I just know, but she primarily communicated with DH and I know she also routinely asked him how he was doing. I also had difficult pregnancies and even had surgery during my first pregnancy. Very few people seem to ask women during this stressful time “are you ok.” Remember when Meghan Markle started crying during that interview just because the guy asked her “are you ok?” You have a lot of hormones rushing through you but you need to be gracious and respectful.

How could your mil both be simultaneously obnoxious and lovely at the same time? Those adjectives are complete opposites.

Exactly what I said- she was not a perfect person but I loved her anyway. And she never asked me how I was doing but she was really nice whenever I told her anything. She never pushed or pried into our lives so I got along with her. But a good relationship takes 2 and I was nice to her too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

I mean, why are you so tired? Is the baby colicky? You have other children? At 4 months you really should not be haggard with 1 kid.

It’s our first and only child so far so we are getting used to being new parents. I thought that was pretty standard for first time parents as a new baby?

My point was that my MIL felt it necessary to ask my husband why HE is so tired behind my back which has passive aggressive undertones to it otherwise why not just ask him in front of me? Why ask him behind his wife’s back.

Again she didn’t seem to care after my well being when I had a very difficult pregnancy and then all the pain I was in from the long labor but get her son who didn’t go through one iota of that all of a sudden mommy needs to check up on him and make sure his wife is doing her part.

Np Is talking to your son privately really talking "behind your back?" Maybe it was just conversation. I'm sure if she said "Janet you look tired than you would be offended at that too" Your husband shouldn't have told you because you blew it out of proportion. You are reading way too much into one conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

I mean, why are you so tired? Is the baby colicky? You have other children? At 4 months you really should not be haggard with 1 kid.

It’s our first and only child so far so we are getting used to being new parents. I thought that was pretty standard for first time parents as a new baby?

My point was that my MIL felt it necessary to ask my husband why HE is so tired behind my back which has passive aggressive undertones to it otherwise why not just ask him in front of me? Why ask him behind his wife’s back.

Again she didn’t seem to care after my well being when I had a very difficult pregnancy and then all the pain I was in from the long labor but get her son who didn’t go through one iota of that all of a sudden mommy needs to check up on him and make sure his wife is doing her part.

Np Is talking to your son privately really talking "behind your back?" Maybe it was just conversation. I'm sure if she said "Janet you look tired than you would be offended at that too" Your husband shouldn't have told you because you blew it out of proportion. You are reading way too much into one conversation.

Why does it have to be private? I could see if she was talking about her husband but this is my own husband? Why wouldn’t I be able to be around for my own husband’s thoughts? Does she really think my husband is going to tell her things he wouldn’t tell his own wife?

Like now that she has him alone he will open up to her and tell her all these secrets his wife isn’t privy to or something?

[Anonymous]

OP, the more you write the clearer it is that there are issues between you and your husband that need addressing. Couples counseling might be what you really need the most here. Your MIL is just the symptom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more you write the clearer it is that there are issues between you and your husband that need addressing. Couples counseling might be what you really need the most here. Your MIL is just the symptom.

Yes I definitely agree. I got a marriage counselor recommendation from a friend of mine and I’m going to call her in the morning.

I think it’s definitely more of a DH issue in that clearly his mother feels she can easily ask him prying personal questions about him and there has to be a reason for that as if my husband is venting to her which invites her into our marriage.

I rather my husband instead of running to mommy talks things over with me his own wife so she doesn’t feel she has the license to ask him these prying questions. And she backs off and lets his wife worry about him and handle things if he is upset or off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a small-minded and miserable woman. And your husband is dumb enough to report back to you what she said (also you don’t know if he exaggerated to rile you up). You two sound like a good match.

How am I small minded? Because I call MILs out on sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.

Let’s see how you react when your mil does the same thing.

So let's be clear here. It's Mils's business to ask how your pregnancy is going. if you are feeling well if you are tired? However it's not her business to ask how her son is doing? If she asks after her son she is judging you and your marriage.

Do I have this correct?

My point is that I had a super rough pregnancy and labor which is a lot more than her son went through yet she didn’t seem to care about me at all because she never asked but her son seems tired which is a natural thing for a first time parent of a young baby and she acts concerned about.

Also interesting how we were together all day and then she waifs until I leave the room to ask my husband that question.

That’s the part that really stuck out to me that it was her passive aggressive way of hinting that I’m not doing enough.

Oh so you're a controlling narcissist.. This entire thing makes sense now

How am I a controlling narcissist? I told you my mil didn’t ask about me at all and a tough pregnancy and labor is a lot more serious than seeming tired.

That’s what bothered me she seemed to only view me as an incubator for her grandchild.

So her precious baby boy is tied. It’s not good mil to not show any concern for your DIl.

Where are your parents? Are they scared of you too?

Because I’m upset people must be afraid of me.

Well, where are your parents?

Why is that relevant? They live on the other side of the country.

Of course they are. Let me guess, you are no contact with them or you have cut them off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a small-minded and miserable woman. And your husband is dumb enough to report back to you what she said (also you don’t know if he exaggerated to rile you up). You two sound like a good match.

How am I small minded? Because I call MILs out on sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.

Let’s see how you react when your mil does the same thing.

So let's be clear here. It's Mils's business to ask how your pregnancy is going. if you are feeling well if you are tired? However it's not her business to ask how her son is doing? If she asks after her son she is judging you and your marriage.

Do I have this correct?

My point is that I had a super rough pregnancy and labor which is a lot more than her son went through yet she didn’t seem to care about me at all because she never asked but her son seems tired which is a natural thing for a first time parent of a young baby and she acts concerned about.

Also interesting how we were together all day and then she waifs until I leave the room to ask my husband that question.

That’s the part that really stuck out to me that it was her passive aggressive way of hinting that I’m not doing enough.

Oh so you're a controlling narcissist.. This entire thing makes sense now

How am I a controlling narcissist? I told you my mil didn’t ask about me at all and a tough pregnancy and labor is a lot more serious than seeming tired.

That’s what bothered me she seemed to only view me as an incubator for her grandchild.

So her precious baby boy is tied. It’s not good mil to not show any concern for your DIl.

Where are your parents? Are they scared of you too?

Because I’m upset people must be afraid of me.

Well, where are your parents?

Why is that relevant? They live on the other side of the country.

Of course they are. Let me guess, you are no contact with them or you have cut them off?

I video chat with them once a week.

[Anonymous]

Okay I haven’t read all the comments but I absolutely KNOW for a fact that it is possible to cause a rift between parent and child if child is influenced by someone else who is unfortunately not mentally well or just an evil person.
I am not a MIL FWIW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please help me understand why her saying that her son looks tired equals a passive-aggressive indictment of you. Why couldn’t she just be making a comment that just happened when you weren’t there?

Which also leads me to question if the passive-aggressiveness wasn’t actually coming from your husband?? What was his purpose in sharing the comment? Does he think he’s doing more than you are?

I think it's pretty clear OP knows here marriage is on the rocks and likely doomed. She seems to be in panic mode that now MIL will find out.

Oh STFU. Marriage is hard when you have young kids. The first year after each new kid is especially hard. OP and her DH could certainly benefit from counseling, but it does not mean her marriage is doomed.

Those of you who are like “I never got tired with a 4mo, and my husband and I never sniped at each other about who was more tired or doing more of the work” are full of it.