Can anyone please explain the mindset of parents who allow “failure to launch”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:better to live in my basement than die

So long as you're getting them the psychiatric treatment they need, yes

You clearly have never had the misfortune to be related to an adult with serious psychiatric problems.

[Anonymous]

52 year old brother hasn’t had a job in 25 years at least. About 25-20 years ago he was working waiter jobs and catering. He’d always quit or get fired because he thinks he’s too good for the rules (ie. No smoking anytime you want). Then, hanging out with a bunch of loser waiters led to him drinking too much and doing a lot of drugs. Parents just enable him and pay for absolutely everything because they “don’t want him out on the street”. Makes my blood boil when he calls every few days asking for money.

[Anonymous]

ugh, nesting fail. I meant to respond to the PP with the older brother and elderly parents on p. 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also there are young 20 somethings dealing with serious illness that others don't know about. I've avoided family because I'm not going to explain why my kid is neither working nor going to school right now. His medical issues are his business and he wants privacy.

Hmm

DP: Hmm what? PP is absolutely correct that one does not share another adult's medical information without their permission, particularly to nosy gossips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:52 year old brother hasn’t had a job in 25 years at least. About 25-20 years ago he was working waiter jobs and catering. He’d always quit or get fired because he thinks he’s too good for the rules (ie. No smoking anytime you want). Then, hanging out with a bunch of loser waiters led to him drinking too much and doing a lot of drugs. Parents just enable him and pay for absolutely everything because they “don’t want him out on the street”. Makes my blood boil when he calls every few days asking for money.

Same with my BIL. He gets bailed out of every bad decision he has made or every bad behavior.

He never has had any consequences to his decisions or behaviors. No vices or drugs or rampant spending, but dumb stuff like Taking a 1 month vacation before a big work deadline and never finishing the work. Poor work ethic or habits so gets on probation or PIP within a year and the free. Sleeps in until 2pm in his parents house where he still lives.

[Anonymous]

Or late all the time or forgotten things that are needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also there are young 20 somethings dealing with serious illness that others don't know about. I've avoided family because I'm not going to explain why my kid is neither working nor going to school right now. His medical issues are his business and he wants privacy.

Hmm

DP: Hmm what? PP is absolutely correct that one does not share another adult's medical information without their permission, particularly to nosy gossips.

When you never explain anything to anyone, the people assume the worst.

And not like cancer or a stroke, which most people do disclose. But severe mental or psychological issues or addictions.

You can label them medical issues for as long as you wish, but those are actual medical issues are helpful to discuss with others and get good references, ideas, treatment info, etc. I know very few people who successfully battled a physical medical issue/infection/disease and did not solicit help, ideas, second and third opinions. You can’t fight that stuff in a private person silo. Doctors are people too. Double check their work, they are very busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know they “allow” this?

I would change the title to, "Can anyone please explain the mindset of parents who enable “failure to launch”?" Outside of most mental illnesses, parents only have themselves to blame if their children feel entitled to financial assistance after college. Never in a million years would I have asked my parents for any money after college (which they entirely paid for). We were raised to become independent, self-supporting adults. My family is wealthy but not so wealthy they could give us a trust fund to support us into perpetuity. My siblings and I have never felt our parents owe us anything as adults. Honestly, the very idea of asking them for any form of financial assistance sounds absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know they “allow” this?

I would change the title to, "Can anyone please explain the mindset of parents who enable “failure to launch”?" Outside of most mental illnesses, parents only have themselves to blame if their children feel entitled to financial assistance after college. Never in a million years would I have asked my parents for any money after college (which they entirely paid for). We were raised to become independent, self-supporting adults. My family is wealthy but not so wealthy they could give us a trust fund to support us into perpetuity. My siblings and I have never felt our parents owe us anything as adults. Honestly, the very idea of asking them for any form of financial assistance sounds absurd.

Agree 100% with this, but this is DCUM and people have little shame.

There is a reason that the DMV private schools have grandparents' day...because so many people still need mommy and daddy to support them in some fashion (though they do usually pay for their own housing and food).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also there are young 20 somethings dealing with serious illness that others don't know about. I've avoided family because I'm not going to explain why my kid is neither working nor going to school right now. His medical issues are his business and he wants privacy.

Hmm

DP: Hmm what? PP is absolutely correct that one does not share another adult's medical information without their permission, particularly to nosy gossips.

Reminds me of Jo Franklin, who had been successful but then lost it all to several unmanaged mental and psychiatric problems.
Yet the family, who knew about it and kept it a secret from everyone, let her run about lying, fabricating stories and collecting money from her previous contacts, alums, coworkers for years.

[Anonymous]

I know of one young man who plays Xbox competitively. It's his profession. I believe he gets paid to Livestream his playing and wins money at tournaments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know they “allow” this?

Because they haven’t kicked him out? Haven’t stopped paying for his phone/car/insurance/etc etc. Are you serious?

Yup.

For our kids they always knew they were heading to college. Since both were academically capable it wasn't an issue. But if one had decided they wanted a different path we would have been open to it. They could do technical school and a trade if that's what they really wanted to do. however, they grew up knowing that it's their job at 18 to either go to college, trade school or start working. You don't get to just sit at home and do nothing. We worked hard with our one kid who had adhd/anxiety/depression/etc to address it in late ES/MS/HS to make them the "best person they are capable of being". First year of college was challenging, then they switched majors and did well. Started a job 2 weeks after college graduation and doing well almost 2 years later.
If we had a kid with more serious issues, then we would have worked with them to find the right path---including therapy and medications, exec functioning coaching (I was able to do most of that for our one), etc to help them deal with their issues in order to be successful members of society. If CC or trade school was a good path, so be it.
All kids can live at home, but they must be doing something (school or full time employment) and if it's just working (and not attending college), then they would be paying rent, which we would save to give back to them later. I would want them to learn the financial aspects of their choices in life---that working at Target for 40 hours/week means you can only afford this apt and that car, etc. You have to learn to live within your means, but going to college largely can lead to better job options (or at least trade school and a AA in business because it's hard to be a plumber on the job when you are 50+, it's manual labor, much better to move on to owning your own business and managing the plumbers or hvac team)

but no way in hell would by 20 yo be living at home without going to school or getting a full time job. That's a recipe for failure to launch, it is only going to get worse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know they “allow” this?

Because they haven’t kicked him out? Haven’t stopped paying for his phone/car/insurance/etc etc. Are you serious?

Yup.

For our kids they always knew they were heading to college. Since both were academically capable it wasn't an issue. But if one had decided they wanted a different path we would have been open to it. They could do technical school and a trade if that's what they really wanted to do. however, they grew up knowing that it's their job at 18 to either go to college, trade school or start working. You don't get to just sit at home and do nothing. We worked hard with our one kid who had adhd/anxiety/depression/etc to address it in late ES/MS/HS to make them the "best person they are capable of being". First year of college was challenging, then they switched majors and did well. Started a job 2 weeks after college graduation and doing well almost 2 years later.
If we had a kid with more serious issues, then we would have worked with them to find the right path---including therapy and medications, exec functioning coaching (I was able to do most of that for our one), etc to help them deal with their issues in order to be successful members of society. If CC or trade school was a good path, so be it.
All kids can live at home, but they must be doing something (school or full time employment) and if it's just working (and not attending college), then they would be paying rent, which we would save to give back to them later. I would want them to learn the financial aspects of their choices in life---that working at Target for 40 hours/week means you can only afford this apt and that car, etc. You have to learn to live within your means, but going to college largely can lead to better job options (or at least trade school and a AA in business because it's hard to be a plumber on the job when you are 50+, it's manual labor, much better to move on to owning your own business and managing the plumbers or hvac team)

but no way in hell would by 20 yo be living at home without going to school or getting a full time job. That's a recipe for failure to launch, it is only going to get worse

You don't have a child with a major disability or psychological issue.

[Anonymous]

TL/DR. Seeing threads like this makes me sad. My brother is in his early 30s and has "failed to launch" due to his mental health issues. I have been supporting myself since college. My parents' mindset? Absolute heartbreak and complete terror about his health and safety. I know I will need to make sure he's not out on the streets after my parents pass away. Great you didn't have to deal with smt like this.

But for the grace of god and everything...you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know they “allow” this?

I would change the title to, "Can anyone please explain the mindset of parents who enable “failure to launch”?" Outside of most mental illnesses, parents only have themselves to blame if their children feel entitled to financial assistance after college. Never in a million years would I have asked my parents for any money after college (which they entirely paid for). We were raised to become independent, self-supporting adults. My family is wealthy but not so wealthy they could give us a trust fund to support us into perpetuity. My siblings and I have never felt our parents owe us anything as adults. Honestly, the very idea of asking them for any form of financial assistance sounds absurd.

+1
This thread is seriously overlooking codependent parents who raise their adult kids to "need" them by design. This has been the case in my own family with multiple male cousins and their serious codependent moms who need to talk to their sons on the phone for three hours a day.