19 Yo son (college freshman home) never came home last night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- he was ok and at a friends house - I figured he was ok- but still aggravated. I tracked him down and he called me back finally from friends phone.
I appreciate all the comments on DCMF and feel most agreed ok to have expectation of letting parents know if not coming home.
He knew we were pissed- big reason is was New Year’s Eve and second time in one week.
I did yell at him ( after telling him I wanted to talk after cooling down but he wanted to talk now). So he knows how frustrating it is to wonder if all ok. And how simple it would be to just text us his general plan.
I asked him how he might think we’d feel this morning when walked into his room and him not being there and no text and 4 am driving.

Op your kid is not going to come home next break. You called his friends? You yelled at him? That’s not how adults treat each other. That’s not ‘common courtesy’. You can’t have it both ways. And then what, are you going to threaten to ‘cut him off’ monetarily if he doesn’t come home next Christmas? He will eventually meet a woman get married and move across the country with your grandchildren and you will come back here complaining About adult children being ungrateful. I mean this kindly: you need to let go of your old patterns of controllling him. Or he will very naturally and understandably pull away from you in a very painful way.

Oh stop with the drama. He wasn’t coming home for his next break whether or not this happened. The next break is spring break. OP’s kid will be with every other 19 year and will be somewhere warm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is a legal adult. OP, you must to adapt to his adulthood. The more you try to tighten the screws, the more he will pull away from you and not come home anymore. If you try to use money (tuition) as a cudgel, he might just call your bluff. Sure, okay, whatever.

Let him be an adult. My college sophomore got home at 3 a.m.

DP

He will be an adult when he is paying for his own phone/car/apartment. For now, he's not yet an actual 'adult'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is likely used to a lot of autonomy when away at school. I had a similar experience with my parents when I was in college. They expected me to check I and I was used to being on my own. I got a little speech about staying out all night. I decided to not come home at all after that. I would stay with friends ornmy boyfriend during breaks and just stop by to visit.

This is fake post for sure. lol! So easy to pick out.

My response is not fake. I have a great relationship with my parents but I did not come home during breaks after freshman year. I stayed with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 48 and texted my parents to let them know I had a nice time last night and got home safe! They’d texted me this morning too, while I was still asleep, to tell me that they’d arrived safely home after spending the night at some friends’ cottage.

It’s what considerate people do. Unfortunately a lot of 19 year olds aren’t very considerate.

I hope he’s okay OP.

Agreed. My family, all of us adults for a long time now, all text each other when we drive home from each other's homes to let people know we arrived safe. It's just courtesy and care for people who love you.

But 19 year olds are buttheads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is likely used to a lot of autonomy when away at school. I had a similar experience with my parents when I was in college. They expected me to check I and I was used to being on my own. I got a little speech about staying out all night. I decided to not come home at all after that. I would stay with friends ornmy boyfriend during breaks and just stop by to visit.

This is fake post for sure. lol! So easy to pick out.

My response is not fake. I have a great relationship with my parents but I did not come home during breaks after freshman year. I stayed with friends.

Because you were acting like a little butthead. It was not cool then and what OP's kid is doing isn't cool now. I hope they cut you off completely back then (money-wise I mean), miss autonomy. Want to be an adult, want full autonomy, then you support yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 48 and texted my parents to let them know I had a nice time last night and got home safe! They’d texted me this morning too, while I was still asleep, to tell me that they’d arrived safely home after spending the night at some friends’ cottage.

It’s what considerate people do. Unfortunately a lot of 19 year olds aren’t very considerate.

I hope he’s okay OP.

Agreed. My family, all of us adults for a long time now, all text each other when we drive home from each other's homes to let people know we arrived safe. It's just courtesy and care for people who love you.

But 19 year olds are buttheads.

Agreed. I text friends when I drive home late. So they know I made it. And they text me. It's just part of having considerate relationships with those who care about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 48 and texted my parents to let them know I had a nice time last night and got home safe! They’d texted me this morning too, while I was still asleep, to tell me that they’d arrived safely home after spending the night at some friends’ cottage.

It’s what considerate people do. Unfortunately a lot of 19 year olds aren’t very considerate.

I hope he’s okay OP.

Agreed. My family, all of us adults for a long time now, all text each other when we drive home from each other's homes to let people know we arrived safe. It's just courtesy and care for people who love you.

But 19 year olds are buttheads.

Agreed. I text friends when I drive home late. So they know I made it. And they text me. It's just part of having considerate relationships with those who care about you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s an adult

This is dumb. Does this mean that you stop worrying just because the kid is over 18?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is likely used to a lot of autonomy when away at school. I had a similar experience with my parents when I was in college. They expected me to check I and I was used to being on my own. I got a little speech about staying out all night. I decided to not come home at all after that. I would stay with friends ornmy boyfriend during breaks and just stop by to visit.

This is fake post for sure. lol! So easy to pick out.

My response is not fake. I have a great relationship with my parents but I did not come home during breaks after freshman year. I stayed with friends.

You were not an easy person, were you? That was just really cold.

I concur with PPs - it’s not about independence or autonomy - it’s common courtesy. I would certainly text my husband (and 18 year old, who is home on break) if I was going to be out unusually late so they didn’t wait up and worry. My kid doesn’t have a curfew anymore but if he’s on the road on NYE, he knows to give us a heads-up. He has full autonomy, FFS.

I don’t live in the same city as my elderly mom but I knew she was walking to and from dinner in the dark last night and I checked in to make sure she got home safely.

[Anonymous]

Those who go off to college get a taste of freedom. Some go crazy while others are disciplined. Don't expect them to come home all the time during winter breaks. Positive social gatherings are good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A 19 year old is not a freshman. They are sophomores. Delayed sophomores is the correct term. The kids call them DS's.

WTF? Most kids graduate high school at 18 and turn 19 their freshman year. What are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is a legal adult. OP, you must to adapt to his adulthood. The more you try to tighten the screws, the more he will pull away from you and not come home anymore. If you try to use money (tuition) as a cudgel, he might just call your bluff. Sure, okay, whatever.

Let him be an adult. My college sophomore got home at 3 a.m.

DP

He will be an adult when he is paying for his own phone/car/apartment. For now, he's not yet an actual 'adult'.

Seriously. People love to throw the word adult around where they can reap the benefits (independence/autonomy) but none of the burdens (bills, responsibility) that comes with being an actual adult.

If your mom and dad bankroll your housing, food, communication and transportation, you are a NOT an adult. You're a mature dependent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A 19 year old is not a freshman. They are sophomores. Delayed sophomores is the correct term. The kids call them DS's.

No one calls them that

[Anonymous]

OP, I say this with kindness, I think you're sending some mixed signals here.

You are absolutely right to expect courtesy and communication. But you're also turning a blind eye to his underage drinking and that's not a good thing. What he does at school where he is outside of your supervision is one thing, as you said. But he should not feel comfortable nor be permitted to go out and get pissy drunk at 19 while living in your house. That is establishing all of the wrong and opposite things in terms of safety and responsibility that you're trying to convey with him on when he comes home and communicating about when he's going to be home.

I hope you put your foot down about the underage drinking ASAP. But then again, if this has been going on since he was in high school, your credibility is gonna be shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s an adult

Nope.
OP clearly said he is a financial Dependent.

So he is an adult…with strings attached.

And those strings are that he has an obligation to jump through whatever hoops
Mom and Dad decide need to be jumped through in order to continue to receive financial support.
If he doesn’t like the requirements, then he is free to cut the strings and be the adult that you claim he is by making his own way and his own decisions that are completely independent—financially and otherwise.