19 Yo son (college freshman home) never came home last night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m furious! And worried- our freshman in college is home for holiday - he’s 19 -yes I get it- but he still has to follow house rules and show consideration.
Didn’t call didn’t text- this is second time this week . It’s now 10am and we have no idea where he is.
Life 360 shows he was driving at 3:50 amNew Year’s Eve last nite then phone dead.
I’m worried but feel mostly so mad.

He is supposed to text us anytime he’s out past 12:30 am where he is. And although we didn’t set a curfew, I do feel now that is necessary. What he does at college is his business as long as he keeps grades up— but what would you do about the staying out all night so damn inconsiderate and rude. We pay all expenses for him btw so he is totally dependent.

Did you text him to see if he was spending the night at a friend’s house? He was probably thinking he was being safe by not driving home under the influence or tired.

[Anonymous]

I’m 48 and texted my parents to let them know I had a nice time last night and got home safe! They’d texted me this morning too, while I was still asleep, to tell me that they’d arrived safely home after spending the night at some friends’ cottage.

It’s what considerate people do. Unfortunately a lot of 19 year olds aren’t very considerate.

I hope he’s okay OP.

[Anonymous]

I’m really hoping he’s home and ok OP. Please update. I would be furious and terrified.

(And btw my freshman is also 19) so pipe down other pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really hoping he’s home and ok OP. Please update. I would be furious and terrified.

(And btw my freshman is also 19) so pipe down other pp.

Maybe take the time to read. Try page 5.

[Anonymous]

Op didn't come back to update. Clearly being "furious" was most important.

The, Oh I Was So Worried was overplayed

[Anonymous]

Take the car keys away for the rest of break

You can’t tell him what to do but you don’t have to give him a car to drive

[Anonymous]

just saw Op's response .. back on page 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing but sympathy. They are just the worst at 19. Straight up butt heads.

If he’s driving your car, shut that down for the remainder of break. Let him handle his own meals, laundry, etc. Or just send him back to school now.

To the poster who said he’s an adult: Yes technically he is. I’m pretty sure OP knows how old her kid is. The issue is the responsibility he assumes by staying in his parents’ house to follow the rules they set. If he doesn’t like it, he can go pay for his own hotel.

Don’t do any of this.

I agree he’s not really an adult. Legal adult is not biological adult.

Freshman are so much more inconsiderate than seniors.

They’ve had a 1st taste of independence and not checking in every night with parents.

It’s a process.

I guess you didn’t read the part where OP said he’s been drinking. He’s not making great decisions right now based on the two data points this week. Why are against taking access to the car away? Please explain that. Are you really saying it would be okay for him to go out with friends this coming weekend after these last two incidents?

Of course he’s drinking it’s NYE!

Actually he is fine after “two data points”.

Because taking the car away is an over reaction.

Yes it’s okay to let him go out this weekend because he didn’t do anything more than be inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

My son is 14 so not there yet but I agree with the PP who said that there is a difference between treating him like a child and him realizing that adults should have mutual care and respect for each other when they live together.

If this were my son (and I hope it isn't but who knows, it could happen to any teen) I'd say that he can either a.) tell us he will be out for the night and return in the morning and that it's a good idea to tell us or someone trusted where he will be or share his location, b.) that if he doesn't plan to be out for the night but those plans change (i.e. he won't be home before we wake up) he should let us know via quick text, and c.) I'd tell him about the time he was 6 months old and his dad pulled this crap totally uncharacteristically and I had to wake his baby ass up to get in the car to go downtown to pick his dad up and that if he wants more info on how that went down he can go downstairs to ask his very buttoned up father, who will tell him more about it and give specific instructions on how not to be an idiot.

[Anonymous]

He is likely used to a lot of autonomy when away at school. I had a similar experience with my parents when I was in college. They expected me to check I and I was used to being on my own. I got a little speech about staying out all night. I decided to not come home at all after that. I would stay with friends ornmy boyfriend during breaks and just stop by to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is likely used to a lot of autonomy when away at school. I had a similar experience with my parents when I was in college. They expected me to check I and I was used to being on my own. I got a little speech about staying out all night. I decided to not come home at all after that. I would stay with friends ornmy boyfriend during breaks and just stop by to visit.

This is fake post for sure. lol! So easy to pick out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is a legal adult. OP, you must to adapt to his adulthood. The more you try to tighten the screws, the more he will pull away from you and not come home anymore. If you try to use money (tuition) as a cudgel, he might just call your bluff. Sure, okay, whatever.

Let him be an adult. My college sophomore got home at 3 a.m.

As long as its not a bluff, fine to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to spell this out to my kids. When I would wake up and they are not home and I don’t have a text, my mama brain doesn’t think, “I bet he having a good time.” Instead, it goes to, “Is he dead on the road?” Kids don’t understand worry. Anyway, glad he is okay.

An 18 YO girl was shot and killed at a party in Friendship Heights last night.
I am sure the parent's did not expect a knock on the door this morning from the police.
Not everyone came home this morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- he was ok and at a friends house - I figured he was ok- but still aggravated. I tracked him down and he called me back finally from friends phone.
I appreciate all the comments on DCMF and feel most agreed ok to have expectation of letting parents know if not coming home.
He knew we were pissed- big reason is was New Year’s Eve and second time in one week.
I did yell at him ( after telling him I wanted to talk after cooling down but he wanted to talk now). So he knows how frustrating it is to wonder if all ok. And how simple it would be to just text us his general plan.
I asked him how he might think we’d feel this morning when walked into his room and him not being there and no text and 4 am driving.

Op your kid is not going to come home next break. You called his friends? You yelled at him? That’s not how adults treat each other. That’s not ‘common courtesy’. You can’t have it both ways. And then what, are you going to threaten to ‘cut him off’ monetarily if he doesn’t come home next Christmas? He will eventually meet a woman get married and move across the country with your grandchildren and you will come back here complaining About adult children being ungrateful. I mean this kindly: you need to let go of your old patterns of controllling him. Or he will very naturally and understandably pull away from you in a very painful way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to spell this out to my kids. When I would wake up and they are not home and I don’t have a text, my mama brain doesn’t think, “I bet he having a good time.” Instead, it goes to, “Is he dead on the road?” Kids don’t understand worry. Anyway, glad he is okay.

An 18 YO girl was shot and killed at a party in Friendship Heights last night.
I am sure the parent's did not expect a knock on the door this morning from the police.
Not everyone came home this morning.

So we shouldn’t leave our houses? Young adults can’t stay inside forever. You can’t let anxiety and fear rule your lives.