DC’s friend broke something expensive - WWYD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t let kids play in a room with very expensive equipment.

I think sharing the cost to fix it is fair. It sounds like the child was curious and didn’t even know he had damaged anything by looking. It doesn’t sound like he intentionally broke anything.

Omg, can you please read the thread before posting? OP lives in a small city apartment, probably NYC. The stereo is likely in her living room. There’s no way to have someone over but not have them in your living room if you live in 1000 sqf. The mother apparently sat there smiling beatifically while her devil spawn wreaked havoc. Or, even more likely, she had her nose in her damn phone and was completely checked out.

Wow, projecting much? You certainly are eager to lap up OP’s kool-aid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So weird to put out so many details but then be annoyingly vague on what the object is. Obviously with this obfuscation the other people would still recognize the story.

Eff it. It was part of his stereo. He’s a big music collector. We all live in apartments, we’ve all been over before and the kid deliberately opened the turntable case and ruined something. It wasn’t because of roughhousing.

Well that's not exactly a hobby that one "does". He uses the turntable to listen to music. That's nice. But I don't find it compelling personally and I grew up listening to music on turntables. It's overrated.

Your DH is also approaching his estimate based on nothing more than what the internet tells him.

If you actually want to know how much it is going to cost to fix and want the other person to pay then get to actual estimates from someone legit who actually does repairs. Get two. and present the estimates. Let the friend know you need to get an estimate.

If the cost is really in the thousands, and the friend can't pay it, then take what they offer or put a claim in through your insurance.

There were ways to secure the item and you didn't so that is on you. And warning people verbally isn't enough. If it was that valuable and that important, then yes, you should take extra steps beyond a random verbal reminder. An nosey adult could have easily damaged it to. It happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn’t do anything wrong but stuff happens with 10 year olds. I’d fix it yourself. If it was worth millions, you wouldn’t expect them to sell their house to fix it. File an insurance claim if it’s that expensive.

Agree. I wouldn’t ask them to pay. He didn’t deliberately break it, it was an accident. If it is that valuable, you should have it insured. This is on you. Expect this friendship to either slow fade or die out immediately

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm on the fence. On the one hand, I would be tempted to go with Lesson Learned.
On the other, I think kid shouldn't get away with playing with it, though did he know he shouldn't.

If i could afford it I would either take what is offered or not have said anything.

I did ask. While this is awkward, I’m not unhappy I did that - I was gracious and I care about my husband. I really don’t see how this one is lesson learned, I guess because DH has been pretty clear that the force taken to create the damage done was purposeful, and the kids aren’t super little anymore, and the parent was present.

Did you tell them you expected reimbursement? You must do that otherwise you leave a grey area. If your husband believes it was done maliciously then demand payment. If they refuse, and you’re as rich as you say, sue them.

Yes. We discussed repair and replacement and that’s when she went to her husband who gave her the lower estimate. I’m not accusing anyone of malice and we’d obviously never sue, but I just wanted to get some feedback because I feel awkward. We’d tabled this over the holidays and DH told me the ultimate replacement cost today.

Sorry OP, I think you're way out of line. If your DH has valuable equipment, it should not be accessible to visitors, especially kid visitors. Never in a million years would I expect guests to pay for something like this.

I am in no way out of line - we all live in smallish apartments, not in DC - I used to live in DC. There is no practical way to make this equipment inaccessible based on the layout of our home. They’ve been over before when the kids were years and years younger. The equipment was under a cover. My friend was in the room, and I was getting stuff to eat for people. No matter what some will tell me, I didn’t do anything wrong here.

Yeah, OP. You need to make it really clear to your kids and to their friends that this is a very expensive and fragile piece of equipment and they are NEVER to touch it.

I will going forward but to be clear, they’ve been over often before, the equipment was always where it was, was always covered, we also made clear when they were younger not to touch, and DH said something was ripped apart - something not innately super-duper-don’t-breathe-by-it delicate. I did not think I’d have to give a renewed warning on a random day years later. This thread is so frustrating. We aren’t grasping nor unreasonable.

So stop coming back or ask Jeff to take it down. He will, you know.

Great friends are worth more than any turntable and 10 is still young and curious. If a child doesn’t have a turntable at home or something as sophisticated as your DH has, they have no idea it’s a do not touch thing. A clear “Do NOT touch the stereo equipment .”, while specifically pointing at every item is what should have been done. So he wasn’t curious before- well, he was this time.
This will make things awkward with your friends.

I’m fine, and what’s the issue with my saying the thread is frustrating? Your advice about what should have been done is such a stretch when you’ve been around those same kids on the same terms when they were smaller and the parent is there. You’re reaching but you know that.

lol- I am not reaching at all. It’s easier to look at this situation from the outside and no emotion involved. I’m sure it is stressful to be in this with a very angry husband.
You can’t rely on a child’s behavior never changing, OP. You know that now.
Many years experience with my children and their friends. Things have been broken over the years. You learn from experience. That’s life.

+1

When my DS was about 11, he had a new friend over and the kid broke a door. Literally karate kicked a bedroom door, cracked it and even damaged the hinges/frame alignment somehow. Younger DD saw what happened. My DH was furious at the time. Cost a lot of $ and labor to fix. DH was madder at our DS than the friend actually, and made DS spend an entire weekend helping him replace and rehang the door. Good lesson for DS- you are responsible for your friends’ behavior when they are in our home, to a reasonable extent. I didn’t say anything to the kid’s parents- can’t imagine asking someone for that much $- so awkward- and DS (wisely) chose not to have the boy over to our house ever again. This was a few years ago and we laugh about it now.

I can’t imagine not asking the kid’s parents to pay for the repair. Their kid’s behavior was ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm on the fence. On the one hand, I would be tempted to go with Lesson Learned.
On the other, I think kid shouldn't get away with playing with it, though did he know he shouldn't.

If i could afford it I would either take what is offered or not have said anything.

I did ask. While this is awkward, I’m not unhappy I did that - I was gracious and I care about my husband. I really don’t see how this one is lesson learned, I guess because DH has been pretty clear that the force taken to create the damage done was purposeful, and the kids aren’t super little anymore, and the parent was present.

Did you tell them you expected reimbursement? You must do that otherwise you leave a grey area. If your husband believes it was done maliciously then demand payment. If they refuse, and you’re as rich as you say, sue them.

Yes. We discussed repair and replacement and that’s when she went to her husband who gave her the lower estimate. I’m not accusing anyone of malice and we’d obviously never sue, but I just wanted to get some feedback because I feel awkward. We’d tabled this over the holidays and DH told me the ultimate replacement cost today.

Sorry OP, I think you're way out of line. If your DH has valuable equipment, it should not be accessible to visitors, especially kid visitors. Never in a million years would I expect guests to pay for something like this.

I am in no way out of line - we all live in smallish apartments, not in DC - I used to live in DC. There is no practical way to make this equipment inaccessible based on the layout of our home. They’ve been over before when the kids were years and years younger. The equipment was under a cover. My friend was in the room, and I was getting stuff to eat for people. No matter what some will tell me, I didn’t do anything wrong here.

Yeah, OP. You need to make it really clear to your kids and to their friends that this is a very expensive and fragile piece of equipment and they are NEVER to touch it.

I will going forward but to be clear, they’ve been over often before, the equipment was always where it was, was always covered, we also made clear when they were younger not to touch, and DH said something was ripped apart - something not innately super-duper-don’t-breathe-by-it delicate. I did not think I’d have to give a renewed warning on a random day years later. This thread is so frustrating. We aren’t grasping nor unreasonable.

So stop coming back or ask Jeff to take it down. He will, you know.

Great friends are worth more than any turntable and 10 is still young and curious. If a child doesn’t have a turntable at home or something as sophisticated as your DH has, they have no idea it’s a do not touch thing. A clear “Do NOT touch the stereo equipment .”, while specifically pointing at every item is what should have been done. So he wasn’t curious before- well, he was this time.
This will make things awkward with your friends.

I’m fine, and what’s the issue with my saying the thread is frustrating? Your advice about what should have been done is such a stretch when you’ve been around those same kids on the same terms when they were smaller and the parent is there. You’re reaching but you know that.

lol- I am not reaching at all. It’s easier to look at this situation from the outside and no emotion involved. I’m sure it is stressful to be in this with a very angry husband.
You can’t rely on a child’s behavior never changing, OP. You know that now.
Many years experience with my children and their friends. Things have been broken over the years. You learn from experience. That’s life.

+1

When my DS was about 11, he had a new friend over and the kid broke a door. Literally karate kicked a bedroom door, cracked it and even damaged the hinges/frame alignment somehow. Younger DD saw what happened. My DH was furious at the time. Cost a lot of $ and labor to fix. DH was madder at our DS than the friend actually, and made DS spend an entire weekend helping him replace and rehang the door. Good lesson for DS- you are responsible for your friends’ behavior when they are in our home, to a reasonable extent. I didn’t say anything to the kid’s parents- can’t imagine asking someone for that much $- so awkward- and DS (wisely) chose not to have the boy over to our house ever again. This was a few years ago and we laugh about it now.

I can’t imagine not asking the kid’s parents to pay for the repair. Their kid’s behavior was ridiculous.

Funny I literally can't imagine asking the kid's parents to pay. If your stuff is valuable and breakable, it shouldn't be kept within reach of kids.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read all the threads but why weren’t the kids tightly monitored? If you had a Van Gogh painting hanging there and it got damaged, would you expect the young kid’s parents to pay half?

I think this was negligence on OP’s part—don’t have kids over, or protect your valuable, or make sure your DC will protect the valuable like a hawk when his friends are over.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm on the fence. On the one hand, I would be tempted to go with Lesson Learned.
On the other, I think kid shouldn't get away with playing with it, though did he know he shouldn't.

If i could afford it I would either take what is offered or not have said anything.

I did ask. While this is awkward, I’m not unhappy I did that - I was gracious and I care about my husband. I really don’t see how this one is lesson learned, I guess because DH has been pretty clear that the force taken to create the damage done was purposeful, and the kids aren’t super little anymore, and the parent was present.

Did you tell them you expected reimbursement? You must do that otherwise you leave a grey area. If your husband believes it was done maliciously then demand payment. If they refuse, and you’re as rich as you say, sue them.

Yes. We discussed repair and replacement and that’s when she went to her husband who gave her the lower estimate. I’m not accusing anyone of malice and we’d obviously never sue, but I just wanted to get some feedback because I feel awkward. We’d tabled this over the holidays and DH told me the ultimate replacement cost today.

Sorry OP, I think you're way out of line. If your DH has valuable equipment, it should not be accessible to visitors, especially kid visitors. Never in a million years would I expect guests to pay for something like this.

I am in no way out of line - we all live in smallish apartments, not in DC - I used to live in DC. There is no practical way to make this equipment inaccessible based on the layout of our home. They’ve been over before when the kids were years and years younger. The equipment was under a cover. My friend was in the room, and I was getting stuff to eat for people. No matter what some will tell me, I didn’t do anything wrong here.

Yeah, OP. You need to make it really clear to your kids and to their friends that this is a very expensive and fragile piece of equipment and they are NEVER to touch it.

I will going forward but to be clear, they’ve been over often before, the equipment was always where it was, was always covered, we also made clear when they were younger not to touch, and DH said something was ripped apart - something not innately super-duper-don’t-breathe-by-it delicate. I did not think I’d have to give a renewed warning on a random day years later. This thread is so frustrating. We aren’t grasping nor unreasonable.

So stop coming back or ask Jeff to take it down. He will, you know.

Great friends are worth more than any turntable and 10 is still young and curious. If a child doesn’t have a turntable at home or something as sophisticated as your DH has, they have no idea it’s a do not touch thing. A clear “Do NOT touch the stereo equipment .”, while specifically pointing at every item is what should have been done. So he wasn’t curious before- well, he was this time.
This will make things awkward with your friends.

I’m fine, and what’s the issue with my saying the thread is frustrating? Your advice about what should have been done is such a stretch when you’ve been around those same kids on the same terms when they were smaller and the parent is there. You’re reaching but you know that.

lol- I am not reaching at all. It’s easier to look at this situation from the outside and no emotion involved. I’m sure it is stressful to be in this with a very angry husband.
You can’t rely on a child’s behavior never changing, OP. You know that now.
Many years experience with my children and their friends. Things have been broken over the years. You learn from experience. That’s life.

+1

When my DS was about 11, he had a new friend over and the kid broke a door. Literally karate kicked a bedroom door, cracked it and even damaged the hinges/frame alignment somehow. Younger DD saw what happened. My DH was furious at the time. Cost a lot of $ and labor to fix. DH was madder at our DS than the friend actually, and made DS spend an entire weekend helping him replace and rehang the door. Good lesson for DS- you are responsible for your friends’ behavior when they are in our home, to a reasonable extent. I didn’t say anything to the kid’s parents- can’t imagine asking someone for that much $- so awkward- and DS (wisely) chose not to have the boy over to our house ever again. This was a few years ago and we laugh about it now.

I can’t imagine not asking the kid’s parents to pay for the repair. Their kid’s behavior was ridiculous.

Funny I literally can't imagine asking the kid's parents to pay. If your stuff is valuable and breakable, it shouldn't be kept within reach of kids.

For a kid who intentionally karate chops a door down!?!? What do you do, take all the doors off the hinges every time your kid has a playdate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the fence. On the one hand, I would be tempted to go with Lesson Learned.
On the other, I think kid shouldn't get away with playing with it, though did he know he shouldn't.

If i could afford it I would either take what is offered or not have said anything.

I did ask. While this is awkward, I’m not unhappy I did that - I was gracious and I care about my husband. I really don’t see how this one is lesson learned, I guess because DH has been pretty clear that the force taken to create the damage done was purposeful, and the kids aren’t super little anymore, and the parent was present.

Did you tell them you expected reimbursement? You must do that otherwise you leave a grey area. If your husband believes it was done maliciously then demand payment. If they refuse, and you’re as rich as you say, sue them.

Yes. We discussed repair and replacement and that’s when she went to her husband who gave her the lower estimate. I’m not accusing anyone of malice and we’d obviously never sue, but I just wanted to get some feedback because I feel awkward. We’d tabled this over the holidays and DH told me the ultimate replacement cost today.

Sorry OP, I think you're way out of line. If your DH has valuable equipment, it should not be accessible to visitors, especially kid visitors. Never in a million years would I expect guests to pay for something like this.

I am in no way out of line - we all live in smallish apartments, not in DC - I used to live in DC. There is no practical way to make this equipment inaccessible based on the layout of our home. They’ve been over before when the kids were years and years younger. The equipment was under a cover. My friend was in the room, and I was getting stuff to eat for people. No matter what some will tell me, I didn’t do anything wrong here.

Yeah, OP. You need to make it really clear to your kids and to their friends that this is a very expensive and fragile piece of equipment and they are NEVER to touch it.

I will going forward but to be clear, they’ve been over often before, the equipment was always where it was, was always covered, we also made clear when they were younger not to touch, and DH said something was ripped apart - something not innately super-duper-don’t-breathe-by-it delicate. I did not think I’d have to give a renewed warning on a random day years later. This thread is so frustrating. We aren’t grasping nor unreasonable.

So stop coming back or ask Jeff to take it down. He will, you know.

Great friends are worth more than any turntable and 10 is still young and curious. If a child doesn’t have a turntable at home or something as sophisticated as your DH has, they have no idea it’s a do not touch thing. A clear “Do NOT touch the stereo equipment .”, while specifically pointing at every item is what should have been done. So he wasn’t curious before- well, he was this time.
This will make things awkward with your friends.

I’m fine, and what’s the issue with my saying the thread is frustrating? Your advice about what should have been done is such a stretch when you’ve been around those same kids on the same terms when they were smaller and the parent is there. You’re reaching but you know that.

lol- I am not reaching at all. It’s easier to look at this situation from the outside and no emotion involved. I’m sure it is stressful to be in this with a very angry husband.
You can’t rely on a child’s behavior never changing, OP. You know that now.
Many years experience with my children and their friends. Things have been broken over the years. You learn from experience. That’s life.

He’s not an angry person, good grief. He’s mad this happened, and that the parents deflected with nonsense about their kid, who said they touched it, also said they didn’t think they damaged it. Come on.

The other parents asked their kid, and reported back what he told them. Characterizing this as "deflecting" is incorrect, unless you are saying that the other parents knew it was broken and are lying to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So weird to put out so many details but then be annoyingly vague on what the object is. Obviously with this obfuscation the other people would still recognize the story.

Eff it. It was part of his stereo. He’s a big music collector. We all live in apartments, we’ve all been over before and the kid deliberately opened the turntable case and ruined something. It wasn’t because of roughhousing.

Well that's not exactly a hobby that one "does". He uses the turntable to listen to music. That's nice. But I don't find it compelling personally and I grew up listening to music on turntables. It's overrated.

Your DH is also approaching his estimate based on nothing more than what the internet tells him.

If you actually want to know how much it is going to cost to fix and want the other person to pay then get to actual estimates from someone legit who actually does repairs. Get two. and present the estimates. Let the friend know you need to get an estimate.

If the cost is really in the thousands, and the friend can't pay it, then take what they offer or put a claim in through your insurance.

There were ways to secure the item and you didn't so that is on you. And warning people verbally isn't enough. If it was that valuable and that important, then yes, you should take extra steps beyond a random verbal reminder. An nosey adult could have easily damaged it to. It happens.

A nosy adult would pay for anything they accidentally damaged. No question. Why are so many so quick to absolve the parents of responsibility for their kid? The kid’s mom was in the room when the kid opened something they weren’t supposed to open and damaged something. If the kid had ADHD they may have trouble controlling impulses but again, their parents are responsible for….their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You graciously accept what they're willing to give, and pay for the rest out of pocket, because this is the cost of welcoming kids into your home. A 10 year old usually doesn't know what's expensive and what's not, especially if it's an unusual item. I do not think it's fair to demand the full cost of the item. If you have valuables in your home, it should be clearly stated multiple times that the kids shouldn't go near them (and maybe lock the door if they're in a special room).

If this kid shows a patterns of hyper behavior, you'll want to curtail home playdates with them. I had one friend of my son's nearly wrench off the banisters while trying to rappel down the staircase, and another one swung a bat and missed my chandelier by an inch. His mother was horrified. We did outside playdates with those two after that.

This. There is risk when having kids over. When having *anyone* over. Also tell your DH to separate the "this is my favorite toy" emotions from the actual situation. Yeah it sucks, and I would be annoyed too, but again - this is the price of having kids and friends.

[Anonymous]

I coach a group of 10-11 yo 5th graders and there is a huge range of maturity in that group. Some are more like teens and would absolutely know that they broke something. They'd also have the maturity to know not to touch and, if something was broken, it would be malicious.

There are also some kids in the same group who would have zero realization that there are things they shouldn't touch or that break easily. I don't know if their parents keep breakable items up so the kids haven't had a chance to learn not to touch, or if the kids can't control themselves so the parents are forced to keep breakables up, but these kids have zero clue. They wouldn't know they were doing something wrong in opening the turn table, would touch to see how it worked and, if parts started coming off, they'd keep going to try to understand or to fix it. Zero clue.

I think it can be hard to understand when you have kids in the former group and meet a kid in the later group, or vice versa. It's just like some kids walk at 9 months and others at 18 months--it's nothing the parents did, but part of development.

OP, I'd be really careful attributing motive or malicious intent to a 10 yo. You need to own that you overestimated this 10 yo's ability to control himself. Take a few more days and try to step back from your emotional response to this. I'm not saying the other family shouldn't take some responsibility, but you're very attached to the idea that the kid acted maliciously, when there's no motive or reason to think that the 10 yo was anything but impulsive and clumsy.

[Anonymous]

I would take whatever they offered and then would never have them in my house again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I coach a group of 10-11 yo 5th graders and there is a huge range of maturity in that group. Some are more like teens and would absolutely know that they broke something. They'd also have the maturity to know not to touch and, if something was broken, it would be malicious.

There are also some kids in the same group who would have zero realization that there are things they shouldn't touch or that break easily. I don't know if their parents keep breakable items up so the kids haven't had a chance to learn not to touch, or if the kids can't control themselves so the parents are forced to keep breakables up, but these kids have zero clue. They wouldn't know they were doing something wrong in opening the turn table, would touch to see how it worked and, if parts started coming off, they'd keep going to try to understand or to fix it. Zero clue.

I think it can be hard to understand when you have kids in the former group and meet a kid in the later group, or vice versa. It's just like some kids walk at 9 months and others at 18 months--it's nothing the parents did, but part of development.

OP, I'd be really careful attributing motive or malicious intent to a 10 yo. You need to own that you overestimated this 10 yo's ability to control himself. Take a few more days and try to step back from your emotional response to this. I'm not saying the other family shouldn't take some responsibility, but you're very attached to the idea that the kid acted maliciously, when there's no motive or reason to think that the 10 yo was anything but impulsive and clumsy.

She didn’t overestimate the kid’s ability to control himself. She overestimated the kid’s parent’s ability to control her own kid. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Split it. Not worth losing friends over. You don’t leave expensive equipment out in the open with kids playing and you were supervising as well.

[Anonymous]

Oh please! I bet the stupid thing collects dust 95% of the time. Calvin Harris he is not. Clearly the money is no big deal since he saw no need to tell the kids that it was strictly off limits. All of the sudden now that it’s broken, it’s a big deal. It’s annoying no doubt but when you invite kids over this is what you are inviting. Asking a family to pay for something ridiculously expensive to replace is tacky. Not everyone has money to pay for pet vanity hobbies of grown men. Grow up!