DC’s friend broke something expensive - WWYD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but it’s just stupid to have such expensive things where kids are playing if you can’t put the things away. You say you live in a small apartment, so it sounds like this is not the stage in your life where you have expensive things for the hobby. Same reason I’m waiting to get super nice furniture. Things happen, things get broken.

NP. This is adorable

Yeah, for New Yorkers small apartments are not a stage of life. Hard to understand when you live in a McMansion, I guess.

Having kids is a stage of life.
It’s hard to imagine when you are in the middle of it, but in 5 years, this won’t be an issue. Most people would get something less expensive but workable for now and get the furniture that’s thousands of dollars when the kids are older.

This is someone else's kid! We are 50 year old DINKs and we have young kids at hte house sometimes when they come with their parents. You really learn a lot about what fun to touch in your house when someone else's kid shows up.

Are you OP? Subject line says this is OP’s kid’s friend.

No, not OP - but the post makes clear that OP is friends with the parents, too. So you can have people over with their little kids and run the risk of this happening.

10 isn’t a little kid.

[Anonymous]

Is it a yoyo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You graciously accept what they're willing to give, and pay for the rest out of pocket, because this is the cost of welcoming kids into your home. A 10 year old usually doesn't know what's expensive and what's not, especially if it's an unusual item. I do not think it's fair to demand the full cost of the item. If you have valuables in your home, it should be clearly stated multiple times that the kids shouldn't go near them (and maybe lock the door if they're in a special room).

If this kid shows a patterns of hyper behavior, you'll want to curtail home playdates with them. I had one friend of my son's nearly wrench off the banisters while trying to rappel down the staircase, and another one swung a bat and missed my chandelier by an inch. His mother was horrified. We did outside playdates with those two after that.

This. Unless the adults in the room told the kid to stop playing with it before it broke, your home your cost. Is it a peloton?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You graciously accept what they're willing to give, and pay for the rest out of pocket, because this is the cost of welcoming kids into your home. A 10 year old usually doesn't know what's expensive and what's not, especially if it's an unusual item. I do not think it's fair to demand the full cost of the item. If you have valuables in your home, it should be clearly stated multiple times that the kids shouldn't go near them (and maybe lock the door if they're in a special room).

If this kid shows a patterns of hyper behavior, you'll want to curtail home playdates with them. I had one friend of my son's nearly wrench off the banisters while trying to rappel down the staircase, and another one swung a bat and missed my chandelier by an inch. His mother was horrified. We did outside playdates with those two after that.

This. Unless the adults in the room told the kid to stop playing with it before it broke, your home your cost. Is it a peloton?

Oh god. Why are you asking this question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You graciously accept what they're willing to give, and pay for the rest out of pocket, because this is the cost of welcoming kids into your home. A 10 year old usually doesn't know what's expensive and what's not, especially if it's an unusual item. I do not think it's fair to demand the full cost of the item. If you have valuables in your home, it should be clearly stated multiple times that the kids shouldn't go near them (and maybe lock the door if they're in a special room).

If this kid shows a patterns of hyper behavior, you'll want to curtail home playdates with them. I had one friend of my son's nearly wrench off the banisters while trying to rappel down the staircase, and another one swung a bat and missed my chandelier by an inch. His mother was horrified. We did outside playdates with those two after that.

This. Unless the adults in the room told the kid to stop playing with it before it broke, your home your cost. Is it a peloton?

Why, oh why, do people post without reading the entire thread? Their contributions are just so useless and stupid.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I coach a group of 10-11 yo 5th graders and there is a huge range of maturity in that group. Some are more like teens and would absolutely know that they broke something. They'd also have the maturity to know not to touch and, if something was broken, it would be malicious.

There are also some kids in the same group who would have zero realization that there are things they shouldn't touch or that break easily. I don't know if their parents keep breakable items up so the kids haven't had a chance to learn not to touch, or if the kids can't control themselves so the parents are forced to keep breakables up, but these kids have zero clue. They wouldn't know they were doing something wrong in opening the turn table, would touch to see how it worked and, if parts started coming off, they'd keep going to try to understand or to fix it. Zero clue.

I think it can be hard to understand when you have kids in the former group and meet a kid in the later group, or vice versa. It's just like some kids walk at 9 months and others at 18 months--it's nothing the parents did, but part of development.

OP, I'd be really careful attributing motive or malicious intent to a 10 yo. You need to own that you overestimated this 10 yo's ability to control himself. Take a few more days and try to step back from your emotional response to this. I'm not saying the other family shouldn't take some responsibility, but you're very attached to the idea that the kid acted maliciously, when there's no motive or reason to think that the 10 yo was anything but impulsive and clumsy.

She didn’t overestimate the kid’s ability to control himself. She overestimated the kid’s parent’s ability to control her own kid. Big difference.

OP has never said that th parent was in the room, but that the parent was "present" which I took to mean something like having coffee in the kitchen while the kids played elsewhere in the apartment. If the parent was there, why did they have to ask their kid if they opened the case and touch it? The story doesn't make complete sense.

OP here. It’s in my actual OP that the mom was in the room. I have never written in any post that the child acted maliciously. There is no other place for the equipment; DH was not home when this occurred; he used this typically daily, or at minimum 5 days a week. I have not written anything other than these things, other posters have. I appreciate the idea of how to present this.

You have said that the damage was purposeful and intentional, both of which ascribe a motive. Why do you think the kid intentionally damaged the equipment? Why do you think the parent let them?

It doesn't make a lot of sense.

NP. Intentional is not the same as malicious. Words have meanings.

So what was the intent? What exactly does the OP think the kid intended? The adult? Intentional has a meaning. It's different than impulsive and clumsy.

He intentionally took the lid off the turntable. He intentionally messed with whatever component he eventually broke. As opposed to accidentally tripping and falling into it. He did not maliciously intend to damage the turntable.

He was curious. He didn’t intentionally damage it. Yes, he purposely touched it and took it apart - but he wasn’t trying to damage it - just didn’t know what he was doing. Kids are curious.

It sucks. I’d be sad. I am sure to r parents talked to the kid. I would never had asked them to pay. Next time - tell kids not it touch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is insane.

If the OP posted that her child had broken an expensive stereo item, this board would be out with torches and pitchforks if she did not immediately offer to pay full freight for the broken item.

But now because it’s someone else’s child, she’s irresponsible for having a stereo in the living room and shouldn’t have expensive things because she has children and lives in an apartment.

Talk about double standards.

It isn’t double standard, it’s about what is a reasonable ask. If he broke an $100 item, ok. But asking for over 4 figures is excessive. The 10 yr old sounds like he tried to use it without permission/was curious what it was. It isn’t like he took a sledge hammer to it.

Say my daughter and her friend were playing and one of them put on my engagement ring and it dropped down the sink and was unretrievable. They shouldn’t have been in my room/batnroom, they shouldn’t have touched my jewelry. But I wouldn’t go tell her mother she owes me 10k. I’d file and insurance claim

[Anonymous]

It sucks, but I’d never ask for money to replace it. This is the risk you take having friends over, and leaving kids unsupervised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is insane.

If the OP posted that her child had broken an expensive stereo item, this board would be out with torches and pitchforks if she did not immediately offer to pay full freight for the broken item.

But now because it’s someone else’s child, she’s irresponsible for having a stereo in the living room and shouldn’t have expensive things because she has children and lives in an apartment. This isn’t a double standard at all.

Talk about double standards.

OP’s friend did offer. Many of us are saying she shouldn’t accept or at the very least should accept a contribution towards a repair not a replacement.

+1 not a double standard.

If my friend broke something, I would offer to pay. Many people (including me) would not accept $ in the reverse situation. And certainly would not ask for MORE after something was offered. It's crass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is insane.

If the OP posted that her child had broken an expensive stereo item, this board would be out with torches and pitchforks if she did not immediately offer to pay full freight for the broken item.

But now because it’s someone else’s child, she’s irresponsible for having a stereo in the living room and shouldn’t have expensive things because she has children and lives in an apartment. This isn’t a double standard at all.

Talk about double standards.

OP’s friend did offer. Many of us are saying she shouldn’t accept or at the very least should accept a contribution towards a repair not a replacement.

+1 not a double standard.

If my friend broke something, I would offer to pay. Many people (including me) would not accept $ in the reverse situation. And certainly would not ask for MORE after something was offered. It's crass.

I think it’s pretty crass to tell someone that their valuable thing your child broke is worth a fraction of what it’s actually worth.

And I still think that if OP came here and said “my kid broke a $4000 stereo and we googled stereo and found one for $400 so we are only going to offer $400 because the stereo shouldn’t have been in a place a kid could break it anyway” most of you would call her crass for that as well.

The rest of you would just call her a bad parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is insane.

If the OP posted that her child had broken an expensive stereo item, this board would be out with torches and pitchforks if she did not immediately offer to pay full freight for the broken item.

But now because it’s someone else’s child, she’s irresponsible for having a stereo in the living room and shouldn’t have expensive things because she has children and lives in an apartment. This isn’t a double standard at all.

Talk about double standards.

OP’s friend did offer. Many of us are saying she shouldn’t accept or at the very least should accept a contribution towards a repair not a replacement.

+1 not a double standard.

If my friend broke something, I would offer to pay. Many people (including me) would not accept $ in the reverse situation. And certainly would not ask for MORE after something was offered. It's crass.

I think it’s pretty crass to tell someone that their valuable thing your child broke is worth a fraction of what it’s actually worth.

And I still think that if OP came here and said “my kid broke a $4000 stereo and we googled stereo and found one for $400 so we are only going to offer $400 because the stereo shouldn’t have been in a place a kid could break it anyway” most of you would call her crass for that as well.

The rest of you would just call her a bad parent.

Yup especially the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is insane.

If the OP posted that her child had broken an expensive stereo item, this board would be out with torches and pitchforks if she did not immediately offer to pay full freight for the broken item.

But now because it’s someone else’s child, she’s irresponsible for having a stereo in the living room and shouldn’t have expensive things because she has children and lives in an apartment. This isn’t a double standard at all.

Talk about double standards.

OP’s friend did offer. Many of us are saying she shouldn’t accept or at the very least should accept a contribution towards a repair not a replacement.

+1 not a double standard.

If my friend broke something, I would offer to pay. Many people (including me) would not accept $ in the reverse situation. And certainly would not ask for MORE after something was offered. It's crass.

I think it’s pretty crass to tell someone that their valuable thing your child broke is worth a fraction of what it’s actually worth.

And I still think that if OP came here and said “my kid broke a $4000 stereo and we googled stereo and found one for $400 so we are only going to offer $400 because the stereo shouldn’t have been in a place a kid could break it anyway” most of you would call her crass for that as well.

The rest of you would just call her a bad parent.

I think that it’s that it would cost $400 to repair it.

Like if your neighbor dented your car, you would ask for $1500 to repair it. You wouldn’t ask for $40,000 to purchase a new car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is insane.

If the OP posted that her child had broken an expensive stereo item, this board would be out with torches and pitchforks if she did not immediately offer to pay full freight for the broken item.

But now because it’s someone else’s child, she’s irresponsible for having a stereo in the living room and shouldn’t have expensive things because she has children and lives in an apartment.

Talk about double standards.

It isn’t double standard, it’s about what is a reasonable ask. If he broke an $100 item, ok. But asking for over 4 figures is excessive. The 10 yr old sounds like he tried to use it without permission/was curious what it was. It isn’t like he took a sledge hammer to it.

Say my daughter and her friend were playing and one of them put on my engagement ring and it dropped down the sink and was unretrievable. They shouldn’t have been in my room/batnroom, they shouldn’t have touched my jewelry. But I wouldn’t go tell her mother she owes me 10k. I’d file and insurance claim

+1.

I think that OP’s husband was angry and putting her in a bad place. I get that. But the above is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

I would not accept $ from the friend even if it was offered. Things happen, and seems clear this was in a common area, and an unfamiliar yet intriguing item in the kid’s reach. He didn’t do it on purpose (smash it or throw it or something) and it wasn’t a commonly known off-limits item either (for example a 10yo would generally know not to touch breakables in a China cabinet).

FWIW it is better to set boundaries ahead of time when kids are over (even if the parents are in attendance). I tell kids upfront that the master bedroom and office are OFF limits- that is why those doors are closed, and do NOT touch the piano in the living room (because it is annoying AF). I say these things in a nice but firm voice- then I tell them to go play, have fun. My kids know these rules also, and where guests are allowed to be. Saves some grief. I also have no problem at all with telling kids “hey Larlo- cake needs to stay in the kitchen please” or whatever. A lot of parents are busy socializing & are not necessarily aware of what fragile items might be present or what special rules we have- if I don’t tell them. I consider it my job as host to manage. If the kid or parent is truly that difficult, I don’t invite over again.

[Anonymous]

What a fun thread.