How to navigate sleeping arrangements for holidays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the real issue where BF sleeps. I find it bothersome that your husband or daughter wouldn't accommodate each other's point of view.

I think if OP and her husband had a decent place for boyfriend to sleep, DD would be more willing to adhere to dad’s “point of view.” If there were a proper guest room or even an office with a good blow-up mattress, this wouldn’t be an issue. Glass doors? Yeah, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying to navigate this and feeling caught in the middle.

My husband has always been on the conservative side. Our eldest daughter is 23 and living in NYC since after she graduated college. She has a good job and supports herself. She’s coming home for Christmas with her boyfriend, who is 25. They’ve been dating a year but this is his first time here since we’ve always visited them.

My husband said he had to sleep in the den, which has a pullout couch and glass doors, since my husband doesn’t feel comfortable with them sleeping in her room. I let my daughter know that and she balked. She then let me know that they’re just going to stay in a hotel. But the only one with affordable availability is 25 minutes away, each way, which means they will be here significantly less. My husband got angry about it and said she’ll barely be around and it feels disrespectful to him that they can’t go without sleeping in the same room to the point they’d waste visiting time and money on a hotel room. My daughter isn’t budging. How would you handle this?

Where did they stay when you visited? Did they stay together? Sleeping in the same bed? In their own place?
I don't get the indignation that "no daughter of mine will stay in a room with her unmarried bf!" if theyve clearly already been doing this. I 100% get your house, your rules, but would he say the same thing about your 45 y/o sister coming with her bf? Or what about sons? I agree with a pp who said this is largely a mysognistic view and would be different with male adult children.

+100. Oh the different treatment for sons and daughters. My parents forbid my sister and I from sharing rooms with our long-term boyfriends and eventually fiancées. But my brother and his boyfriend have always gotten to share a room, no questions asked. Red carpet rolled out for brother and boyfriend, let me tell you. And I’m glad for them, but it’s so unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get where your DH is coming from since 23 as it relates to other siblings. Frankly, now that it has been stated, I think it's going to be uncomfortable no matter what the outcome.

I would say DH was right (though only due to the younger kids) IF you had a separate room for the BF. But it would be a hard no for me to stay in a den with glass doors and a pull out couch.

No good solution here, especially since you really are setting up your daughter and her family staying in a hotel from now on.

From an early age, we taught our kids that older kids get to do things younger kids don't - go to school, stay up later, drive a car, later curfew, etc. I have no problem with an adult kid, who is supporting themselves, sharing a bedroom in my house with their partner. The example to the younger kids is that when you are an adult, you get to do different things. It's not like sex between non-married consenting adults is a bad, shameful or needs to be hidden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand your DH's rule, due especially to younger siblings, and I think your daughter has every right to do what she plans to do but I still think she is being a brat. It's only a few days and for the sake of family harmony and facilitating a good relationship between her SO and her parents, I think she should be more flexible. FWIW, I have been in almost the exact situation with my daughters and they always respected our house rules (even if they didn't like them).

Ah, so you bought into the misogyny that women must ignore their preferences and make decisions based on how a controlling, emotionally dysregulated male will react. Way to condition your daughters to submit/bow to male authority.

It's bad when women don't support the choices women, it's worse when it's your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP's daughter put her parents in this awkward position, even knowing what they would say.

The daughter should have volunteered to stay in the den, and insisted that her boyfriend stay in the guest room.

BTW, young women do themselves no favors when they are so quick to be available to their boyfriends.

Seems like it's the BF who's making himself available to his GF, not the other way around. The BF is with the GF's family, not the other way around.

I doubt the pearl clutchers, including OP's DH, would be so spun up if it were a DS rather than a DD.

[Anonymous]

“OP's daughter put her parents in this awkward position, even knowing what they would say.

The daughter should have volunteered to stay in the den, and insisted that her boyfriend stay in the guest room.

BTW, young women do themselves no favors when they are so quick to be available to their boyfriends.”

UM, YOU KNOW “THE RULES” AUTHORS ENDED UP GETTING DIVORCES, RIGHT?

[Anonymous]

Yes, daughter should respect house rules. She is doing that. She is staying somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“OP's daughter put her parents in this awkward position, even knowing what they would say.

The daughter should have volunteered to stay in the den, and insisted that her boyfriend stay in the guest room.

BTW, young women do themselves no favors when they are so quick to be available to their boyfriends.”

UM, YOU KNOW “THE RULES” AUTHORS ENDED UP GETTING DIVORCES, RIGHT?

Me...immediately going to research what happened to "The Rules" authors....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter has zero respect for her family. As your eldest she could at least attempt to set a decent example for younger siblings.

Where is the vomit emoji?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's a brat. Your house, your rules.

She's an adult and making decisions for herself. You are a horrible parent if you ever were actually a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's a brat. Your house, your rules.

How is she a brat? She is following the rules. The boyfriend will not be sleeping with the daughter while staying at the parents’ house. On the contrary, the daughter is being quite responsible and respectful.

[Anonymous]

The daughter in this scenario IS respecting the house rules. In every single way. She's not arguing, she's not throwing a tantrum, she's not insisting that she sleep with her SO in her parents house.

The father, on the other hand, is arguing, throwing a tantrum, and insisting that he get his way.

You have accurately identified that there is a brat in this situation - but you picked the wrong person as the brat.

I guess that depends on how the DD's message was delivered. I thought it sounded a little like "I'll show you." It really sounds like DD and dad need to have a conversation about this where dad can explain why he wants to set this boundary (which he is entitled to do in his home) and DD can explain her take on it (and she is entitled to use her money to stay elsewhere). Lots of people here are ignoring the younger siblings, who the dad may think are very relevant for behavior modeling.

[Anonymous]

When I was 25 if a parent let me sleep with their 23 year old daughter openly in their house I cross girl off marriage material.

Being honest.

I have a 23 year old daughter currently and she did have BF over on a holiday and he slept in guest room. I am not running a Brothel

[Anonymous]

Ah, so you bought into the misogyny that women must ignore their preferences and make decisions based on how a controlling, emotionally dysregulated male will react. Way to condition your daughters to submit/bow to male authority.

It's bad when women don't support the choices women, it's worse when it's your mother.

Get off your high horse. You make some huge leaps here that are ridiculous. I have four DDs and what I have taught them is to have adult conversations and respect other people's opinions even if they don't agree with them. I have also taught them to think independently and compromise (it's not a dialectic, which you don't seem to understand). They love and respect their dad and would probably follow this dad's rule if asked simply because they aren't looking to die on a stupid hill and wouldn't care much about a few days (except the glass door and lack of bed might be problematic), but their dad would have a conversation about this and wouldn't be issuing edicts, either.

[Anonymous]

I hope the hotel sex is particularly satisfying for both of them. I hope they try something new and love it.