Am I overreacting to in-law’s request re holiday travel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have LOVED if my DH and child went away for several days and left me alone. That sounds like a wonderful offer of respite. Are you sure that her offer did not come from that sentiment? She probably thought it was the best of both worlds. She got to still see her son and grandchild, and you got to have sone quiet tube to Dr-stress which is good for you and your pregnancy.

I completely understand that you do not like this suggestion because you I assume want to spend the holiday with your child and DH but I suggest you give your MIL some grace and assume that she had positive intentions.

OP is in a medically iffy condition. I am almost always up for some time alone, but if someone had said "Hey, how about I pick you up from your wisdom teeth extraction and drop you home to chill by yourself; I'm off to Vail!" I would not think that they were doing me a solid.

Why not? I don't think that's a universally shared opinion. A quiet home after a dental procedure sounds great.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I can’t stress enough how much I normally love quiet alone time. If I had to stay home because I had the flu or something, this would be a different thing. But right now I am scared of being alone with my husband out of town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would really grind my gears is that suggesting that OP's husband and kid come without her wasn't something her MIL blurted out in response to the disappointment. OP and her DH told the ILs, and after taking some time to think about it, her MIL's response was to figure out how she could get what she wanted. She wasn't worried about her DIL and future grandchild. She wanted HER Christmas. And she had to know this was a kind of sleazy impulse, because she didn't ask both of them. She asked OP's DH.

I'd think less of her, too.

OP. This is part of it for me. She sounded supportive when we were both on the phone and then five hours later called DH. She had time to think about it. I was asleep so I didn’t hear the conversation but FWIW DH was annoyed that she was pushing on it. He’s scared about all of this too and doesn’t want to be away.

danggggg that's cold. I can understand people saying something stupid in the moment, but FIVE hours later?

Not saying wouldn’t want it to be different, but unless someone had an at risk pregnancy, most cannot empathize. Even with miscarriages, those that have had are more likely to not stick foot in mouth. I suspect here the MIL did kit have difficult pregnancies and without context to immediate get DIL is scared. Not DIL job to teach MIl empathy, but unless cutting off for rest of time, would say something v stewing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have LOVED if my DH and child went away for several days and left me alone. That sounds like a wonderful offer of respite. Are you sure that her offer did not come from that sentiment? She probably thought it was the best of both worlds. She got to still see her son and grandchild, and you got to have sone quiet tube to Dr-stress which is good for you and your pregnancy.

I completely understand that you do not like this suggestion because you I assume want to spend the holiday with your child and DH but I suggest you give your MIL some grace and assume that she had positive intentions.

OP is in a medically iffy condition. I am almost always up for some time alone, but if someone had said "Hey, how about I pick you up from your wisdom teeth extraction and drop you home to chill by yourself; I'm off to Vail!" I would not think that they were doing me a solid.

Why not? I don't think that's a universally shared opinion. A quiet home after a dental procedure sounds great.

Jeez, I was trying to come up with an example of something where someone should not be alone, and I figured anything where you get Percocet would be count, but OK. No matter what is going on with you medically and no matter how much caution your doctor has urged, definitely make sure your loved ones are 8 hours away, because that's a great idea.

[Anonymous]

I would be really hurt as well and to be honest my initial reaction would be to cut her off entirely as well..... Knowing full well once I cool down that would not actually happen. But the fact that she mentioned this and thought it was a solid plan would really stick with me. Good for your husband to put his foot down and say no to that nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Looking on the bright side OP, your husband’s a keeper!

[Anonymous]

It was selfish of her but not enough for you to blow up the whole relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DIL to little kids and my inlaws drive me insane. But I did get some helpful advice to not get so worked up over it.

Its that time clicks differently when you get old. You are painfully aware you have a finite amount of opportunities left for things and that it could be over (not necessarily death - but sudden onset of illness, spouse declining etc) at any moment. So in your situation, I can see a world in which your mother in law had built this up as potentially the last time to host or have all her kids together for xmas. She knows you have another baby coming and might not be willing to travel for a few years and she could have been hanging on to this xmas as a last chance that is no gone. So she panicked for a minute that she'd never have her kids all together again for xmas and asked for something self-centered without thinking it through.

That doesn't mean you need to accommodate it, just that you can understand more how someone could get more narrowly focused on specific events when it feels like time is slipping away. Obviously I made up this scenario but the overall theme of the increasing worry that time and opportunities are running out is pretty common. I see it in my inlaws and parents increasinly trying to cram in the things they want to make sure they do in life, especially as they've hit their 70s and odds are at least half of each couple won't be healthy and mobile enough for it in another 5 years or so.

Long story short: MIL became a selfish B with age.

You are overdramatizing on the MIL per the usual. There does come a time when having all your children, and then their families together under one roof takes a micrable to pull off and nearly impossible. You should stop being such a selfish B as a mom yourself and offer grace to your MIL as you will be in her shoes soon enough.

Found the other selfish B MIL!

You had your time, MeeMaw. It’s about the new families now.

Until he divorces your arrogant B self and then MeeMaw can just sit and laugh away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that MIL asked son to come sometime after Christmas to still coincide with the siblings and that got lost in translation to DIL. Instead of stewing I'd ask for clarification if MIL really asked for DIL to be left home alone on Christmas or son relayed the ask wrong.

OP. I don’t think so. She wanted everyone there for Christmas. DH’s sisters are only going to be there Christmas Eve and Christmas because both are leaving for different travel plans the next day. But it’s more the idea of DH being out of town at all right now than Christmas specifically that’s bothering me, though I do feel like the Christmas part of it feels particularly callous.

Your husband said no. Why are still tying yourself in knots over this. You win. He's staying home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would really grind my gears is that suggesting that OP's husband and kid come without her wasn't something her MIL blurted out in response to the disappointment. OP and her DH told the ILs, and after taking some time to think about it, her MIL's response was to figure out how she could get what she wanted. She wasn't worried about her DIL and future grandchild. She wanted HER Christmas. And she had to know this was a kind of sleazy impulse, because she didn't ask both of them. She asked OP's DH.

I'd think less of her, too.

OP. This is part of it for me. She sounded supportive when we were both on the phone and then five hours later called DH. She had time to think about it. I was asleep so I didn’t hear the conversation but FWIW DH was annoyed that she was pushing on it. He’s scared about all of this too and doesn’t want to be away.

danggggg that's cold. I can understand people saying something stupid in the moment, but FIVE hours later?

Not saying wouldn’t want it to be different, but unless someone had an at risk pregnancy, most cannot empathize. Even with miscarriages, those that have had are more likely to not stick foot in mouth. I suspect here the MIL did kit have difficult pregnancies and without context to immediate get DIL is scared. Not DIL job to teach MIl empathy, but unless cutting off for rest of time, would say something v stewing.

So now you are assuming your MIL lacks empathy due to her easy pregnancies? You literally have zero idea. My mother had multiple miscarriages but completely lacked empathy about her own daughter's experiences. But you seem dead set on making every MIL a monster though assuming the worst so hopefully that serves you well. I hope you get a DIL that is equally as hard on you.

[Anonymous]

I would congratulate yourself on picking an awesome dh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she suggest that your husband and child spend Christmas away from you? Or did she just suggest they still visit without out (but not necessarily for Christmas)?

If it's the former, I would be annoyed too. Maybe a compromise would be for your husband and child to visit another time over winter break without you, while still spending Christmas home with you.

Have husband and son leave the day after christmas to visit in laws. You get a few days by yourself in your own home. Bliss. Once you have two kids, you will thank me for this idea.

OP is in pain and scared and at risk. I can’t imagine her husband would want to leave her.

It's a few days? She can relax in bed, order food from uber eats, and chat with said husband on facetime the entire time if she wants. With modern transportation he could likely be back home within 5-6 hours at most if a true emergency came up.

NP. This is absolutely nuts and demonstrates you have no understanding whatsoever about the risks of preterm labor. Idiocy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was selfish of her but not enough for you to blow up the whole relationship

This. It was a bad idea and the DH told his mom so, but this reaction from OP is over the top. I’d hate to see her reaction if someone actually DID something to her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that MIL asked son to come sometime after Christmas to still coincide with the siblings and that got lost in translation to DIL. Instead of stewing I'd ask for clarification if MIL really asked for DIL to be left home alone on Christmas or son relayed the ask wrong.

OP. I don’t think so. She wanted everyone there for Christmas. DH’s sisters are only going to be there Christmas Eve and Christmas because both are leaving for different travel plans the next day. But it’s more the idea of DH being out of town at all right now than Christmas specifically that’s bothering me, though I do feel like the Christmas part of it feels particularly callous.

Your husband said no. Why are still tying yourself in knots over this. You win. He's staying home.

This.

No need to continue this thread. It's been beaten to death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]I would call her and tell her you found her request hurtful and and insensitive, and that you will struggle with trusting her from now on.[/b] If she genuinely apologizes then I would let it go. But I wouldn’t let it fester either way.

Good lord, please don't do this... this is horrible advice.

Struggling with trusting her from now on, lol??
Really??
You're making it seem like she said it maliciously, and OP doesn't even make that claim.

I'm guessing you don't have many close relationships in your life, because this is a rash overreaction without even knowing intent.

I imagine everyone in your life keeps you at a safe arms length away.