Am I overreacting to in-law’s request re holiday travel?

[Anonymous]

Stay calm and don’t think about it too much. The good news is dh said no.

[Anonymous]

We must have the same mil. I was in the hospital during Christmas and was asked by mil if I could check out early so not to ruin the holidays for the whole family. And now During the holidays it is always brought up how I ruined Christmas. I feel bad for you, and yes being angry helps.

[Anonymous]

You're overreacting because you're taking what your doctor said very seriously and your MIL isn't in your shoes. I'm not knocking your concerns, but your level of concern over this given the words you heard your doctor hear and how you feel does not equal your MIL's level of concern over this, so in her mind, losing time with her son and grandchild at Christmas outweighs how you feel. I'm not saying she's right, but I'm just saying instead of seeing red here you could just take a breath and let this go. Your husband stood up for you and you're on the same page. Be glad about that and leave this behind you. If you don't, then any future angst is on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DIL to little kids and my inlaws drive me insane. But I did get some helpful advice to not get so worked up over it.

Its that time clicks differently when you get old. You are painfully aware you have a finite amount of opportunities left for things and that it could be over (not necessarily death - but sudden onset of illness, spouse declining etc) at any moment. So in your situation, I can see a world in which your mother in law had built this up as potentially the last time to host or have all her kids together for xmas. She knows you have another baby coming and might not be willing to travel for a few years and she could have been hanging on to this xmas as a last chance that is no gone. So she panicked for a minute that she'd never have her kids all together again for xmas and asked for something self-centered without thinking it through.

That doesn't mean you need to accommodate it, just that you can understand more how someone could get more narrowly focused on specific events when it feels like time is slipping away. Obviously I made up this scenario but the overall theme of the increasing worry that time and opportunities are running out is pretty common. I see it in my inlaws and parents increasinly trying to cram in the things they want to make sure they do in life, especially as they've hit their 70s and odds are at least half of each couple won't be healthy and mobile enough for it in another 5 years or so.

Long story short: MIL became a selfish B with age.

+1. Just as spending Christmas with her children is important to her, she doesn’t seem to grasp that her son wants to spend Christmas with his pregnant wife and child. I view this as old people pretending that time stands still. I assume she had about 20 Christmases with her children; you’ve had 2 or 3, but she thinks she has more claim over her adult children than you have over your husband.

My take is that MIL isn't pining for Christmas, he's just the chaperone for her grandson, the only person she's eager to see at Christmas. Often young grandchildren completely bump both parents out of any consideration.

If that were the case one would think she’d at least pretend concern for the vessel carrying another grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DIL to little kids and my inlaws drive me insane. But I did get some helpful advice to not get so worked up over it.

Its that time clicks differently when you get old. You are painfully aware you have a finite amount of opportunities left for things and that it could be over (not necessarily death - but sudden onset of illness, spouse declining etc) at any moment. So in your situation, I can see a world in which your mother in law had built this up as potentially the last time to host or have all her kids together for xmas. She knows you have another baby coming and might not be willing to travel for a few years and she could have been hanging on to this xmas as a last chance that is no gone. So she panicked for a minute that she'd never have her kids all together again for xmas and asked for something self-centered without thinking it through.

That doesn't mean you need to accommodate it, just that you can understand more how someone could get more narrowly focused on specific events when it feels like time is slipping away. Obviously I made up this scenario but the overall theme of the increasing worry that time and opportunities are running out is pretty common. I see it in my inlaws and parents increasinly trying to cram in the things they want to make sure they do in life, especially as they've hit their 70s and odds are at least half of each couple won't be healthy and mobile enough for it in another 5 years or so.

Long story short: MIL became a selfish B with age.

You are overdramatizing on the MIL per the usual. There does come a time when having all your children, and then their families together under one roof takes a micrable to pull off and nearly impossible. You should stop being such a selfish B as a mom yourself and offer grace to your MIL as you will be in her shoes soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We must have the same mil. I was in the hospital during Christmas and was asked by mil if I could check out early so not to ruin the holidays for the whole family. And now During the holidays it is always brought up how I ruined Christmas. I feel bad for you, and yes being angry helps.

This is not all the same. If you and your husband are letting her continue to make comments about ruining Christmas thats on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DIL to little kids and my inlaws drive me insane. But I did get some helpful advice to not get so worked up over it.

Its that time clicks differently when you get old. You are painfully aware you have a finite amount of opportunities left for things and that it could be over (not necessarily death - but sudden onset of illness, spouse declining etc) at any moment. So in your situation, I can see a world in which your mother in law had built this up as potentially the last time to host or have all her kids together for xmas. She knows you have another baby coming and might not be willing to travel for a few years and she could have been hanging on to this xmas as a last chance that is no gone. So she panicked for a minute that she'd never have her kids all together again for xmas and asked for something self-centered without thinking it through.

That doesn't mean you need to accommodate it, just that you can understand more how someone could get more narrowly focused on specific events when it feels like time is slipping away. Obviously I made up this scenario but the overall theme of the increasing worry that time and opportunities are running out is pretty common. I see it in my inlaws and parents increasinly trying to cram in the things they want to make sure they do in life, especially as they've hit their 70s and odds are at least half of each couple won't be healthy and mobile enough for it in another 5 years or so.

Long story short: MIL became a selfish B with age.

You are overdramatizing on the MIL per the usual. There does come a time when having all your children, and then their families together under one roof takes a micrable to pull off and nearly impossible. You should stop being such a selfish B as a mom yourself and offer grace to your MIL as you will be in her shoes soon enough.

Hey MIL, get a freaking clue. You don’t ask your son to abandon his pregnant wife who’s facing medical complications, just to fulfil your selfish fantasies.

[Anonymous]

Yes overreacting. Isn’t this better outcome that she asked and DH said no? She could have offered to come for month to “help” you, which guessing would have been worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes overreacting. Isn’t this better outcome that she asked and DH said no? She could have offered to come for month to “help” you, which guessing would have been worse.

Take the win you have Christmas at home with immediate family.

[Anonymous]

That is a complete d*ck move on MIL’s part, especially because to her, the holidays are about families spending time together. And yet here she is trying to separate her son from his.

I wouldn’t assign nefarious ill-intent to this though, she’s just completely only thinking of herself and the Christmas she was imagining. Try not to harbor resentment or be angry; just, she’s shown you who she really is and now you know. You focus on that beautiful little baby and your amazing body that is growing him/her right now. Enjoy your nuclear family Christmas and here’s to hoping the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly. So glad docs caught your complications when they did!

[Anonymous]

Those of you suggesting to invite the ILs- I can’t imagine that would be best for OP either right now - they sound like the kind of ILs that are challenging to host. Unless DH takes on all the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is a complete d*ck move on MIL’s part, especially because to her, the holidays are about families spending time together. And yet here she is trying to separate her son from his.

I wouldn’t assign nefarious ill-intent to this though, she’s just completely only thinking of herself and the Christmas she was imagining. Try not to harbor resentment or be angry; just, she’s shown you who she really is and now you know. You focus on that beautiful little baby and your amazing body that is growing him/her right now. Enjoy your nuclear family Christmas and here’s to hoping the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly. So glad docs caught your complications when they did!

I like this response.

I can’t believe your MIL wants your DH and child to leave you ALONE on Christmas. And on top of that, leave you alone when you’re having pregnancy complications. It’s so awful. But PP is right that you should focus on yourself and enjoy a calm holiday at home.

[Anonymous]

I think you're overreacting a little, but just justifiably so. Is it possible she didn't realize how serious these complications are, how scared you are, and how much you need her son to be your husband and your Dc's father. I was in a similar spot, and it only took me telling my MIL once that I was scared, that this was serious, and no, I wasn't doing what she suggested because my doctors, who know way more about this than she does, said I shouldn't and that my DH should stay with me to support me. She apologized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DIL to little kids and my inlaws drive me insane. But I did get some helpful advice to not get so worked up over it.

Its that time clicks differently when you get old. You are painfully aware you have a finite amount of opportunities left for things and that it could be over (not necessarily death - but sudden onset of illness, spouse declining etc) at any moment. So in your situation, I can see a world in which your mother in law had built this up as potentially the last time to host or have all her kids together for xmas. She knows you have another baby coming and might not be willing to travel for a few years and she could have been hanging on to this xmas as a last chance that is no gone. So she panicked for a minute that she'd never have her kids all together again for xmas and asked for something self-centered without thinking it through.

That doesn't mean you need to accommodate it, just that you can understand more how someone could get more narrowly focused on specific events when it feels like time is slipping away. Obviously I made up this scenario but the overall theme of the increasing worry that time and opportunities are running out is pretty common. I see it in my inlaws and parents increasinly trying to cram in the things they want to make sure they do in life, especially as they've hit their 70s and odds are at least half of each couple won't be healthy and mobile enough for it in another 5 years or so.

This is a really thoughtful response. OP, your probably already know whether this was a one-off brain fart from MIL or a larger indication of her feelings towards you/others. I don’t blame you at all for being livid in the moment. Whether it needs to cause lasting damage depends on what came before and what comes next between you.

[Anonymous]

You have every right to be upset. But, if it helps, she showed her selfishness to your husband. My mil was horrible to me after my son was born. My husband took her side until she went so far he could not ignore it.

In hindsight, she was dealing with taking care of my fil while dealing with her own mental and physical decline. I think I was just the target for her frustration. Once I realized that, it was much easier to accept. But at the time, it caused me a lot of stress. Do your best to let it go. Holding on to the anger only hurts you.