Am I overreacting to in-law’s request re holiday travel?

[Anonymous]

If you scan back through the millions of MIL posts on DCUM you will find that so many do much worse things than this. She just hated the idea of not seeing her son and grandchild at Christmas. When you are a MIL you will find that the feels are not the same for the DIL as they are for the son and grandchildren. Fact of life. So I'd say she shouldn't have suggested such a thing with you in your delicate condition and good for your husband for shooting that idea down. Even so, be thankful your MIL is not much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you’re overreacting.

You’re not wrong to REACT. You’re not wrong. But the “never speak to her again” level is way too much. Understandably! She’s being very insensitive. But people do dumb things and fully block out what it’s like to be pregnant and scared. Maybe she even convinced herself you’d appreciate the solo rest time.

She was wrong, your DH said no, it’s fine. Try to just put your reaction on hold for a year and see how you feel. You have your whole life to sever this relationship if you still feel this way. But try to just let it go for now. You don’t need to ruminate on it.

+1. And like almost all of these posts on DCUm, the OP states facts the way she wants to present them. There is always vital facts overlooked - which sometimes come out later in the post. Sadly, these kind of histrionic posts do nothing for the people posting them (because they are slanted, so responses don't actually help) and waste everyone else's reading time

[Anonymous]

What would really grind my gears is that suggesting that OP's husband and kid come without her wasn't something her MIL blurted out in response to the disappointment. OP and her DH told the ILs, and after taking some time to think about it, her MIL's response was to figure out how she could get what she wanted. She wasn't worried about her DIL and future grandchild. She wanted HER Christmas. And she had to know this was a kind of sleazy impulse, because she didn't ask both of them. She asked OP's DH.

I'd think less of her, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DIL to little kids and my inlaws drive me insane. But I did get some helpful advice to not get so worked up over it.

Its that time clicks differently when you get old. You are painfully aware you have a finite amount of opportunities left for things and that it could be over (not necessarily death - but sudden onset of illness, spouse declining etc) at any moment. So in your situation, I can see a world in which your mother in law had built this up as potentially the last time to host or have all her kids together for xmas. She knows you have another baby coming and might not be willing to travel for a few years and she could have been hanging on to this xmas as a last chance that is no gone. So she panicked for a minute that she'd never have her kids all together again for xmas and asked for something self-centered without thinking it through.

That doesn't mean you need to accommodate it, just that you can understand more how someone could get more narrowly focused on specific events when it feels like time is slipping away. Obviously I made up this scenario but the overall theme of the increasing worry that time and opportunities are running out is pretty common. I see it in my inlaws and parents increasinly trying to cram in the things they want to make sure they do in life, especially as they've hit their 70s and odds are at least half of each couple won't be healthy and mobile enough for it in another 5 years or so.

This was kind to write and helpful to read. Thanks for posting this.

[Anonymous]

I suspect that MIL asked son to come sometime after Christmas to still coincide with the siblings and that got lost in translation to DIL. Instead of stewing I'd ask for clarification if MIL really asked for DIL to be left home alone on Christmas or son relayed the ask wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that MIL asked son to come sometime after Christmas to still coincide with the siblings and that got lost in translation to DIL. Instead of stewing I'd ask for clarification if MIL really asked for DIL to be left home alone on Christmas or son relayed the ask wrong.

OP. I don’t think so. She wanted everyone there for Christmas. DH’s sisters are only going to be there Christmas Eve and Christmas because both are leaving for different travel plans the next day. But it’s more the idea of DH being out of town at all right now than Christmas specifically that’s bothering me, though I do feel like the Christmas part of it feels particularly callous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that MIL asked son to come sometime after Christmas to still coincide with the siblings and that got lost in translation to DIL. Instead of stewing I'd ask for clarification if MIL really asked for DIL to be left home alone on Christmas or son relayed the ask wrong.

Why are you creating stories to try and explain away MIL's bad behavior. OP, if your MIL tries to revisit the idea of your husband and child leaving you I hope your husband will do more than decline. He needs to speak up and tell her how rude and selfish he request is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would really grind my gears is that suggesting that OP's husband and kid come without her wasn't something her MIL blurted out in response to the disappointment. OP and her DH told the ILs, and after taking some time to think about it, her MIL's response was to figure out how she could get what she wanted. She wasn't worried about her DIL and future grandchild. She wanted HER Christmas. And she had to know this was a kind of sleazy impulse, because she didn't ask both of them. She asked OP's DH.

I'd think less of her, too.

OP. This is part of it for me. She sounded supportive when we were both on the phone and then five hours later called DH. She had time to think about it. I was asleep so I didn’t hear the conversation but FWIW DH was annoyed that she was pushing on it. He’s scared about all of this too and doesn’t want to be away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would really grind my gears is that suggesting that OP's husband and kid come without her wasn't something her MIL blurted out in response to the disappointment. OP and her DH told the ILs, and after taking some time to think about it, her MIL's response was to figure out how she could get what she wanted. She wasn't worried about her DIL and future grandchild. She wanted HER Christmas. And she had to know this was a kind of sleazy impulse, because she didn't ask both of them. She asked OP's DH.

I'd think less of her, too.

Or maybe during the call when OP was discussing her pregnancy issues the MIL didn't think it was appropriate to gloss over those and request that her son bring the grandchild to Christmas. I'm not a MIL and mine is awful, but it's ridiculous to me that so many people on here create this scenario when in reality the truth is likely far less obscene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would really grind my gears is that suggesting that OP's husband and kid come without her wasn't something her MIL blurted out in response to the disappointment. OP and her DH told the ILs, and after taking some time to think about it, her MIL's response was to figure out how she could get what she wanted. She wasn't worried about her DIL and future grandchild. She wanted HER Christmas. And she had to know this was a kind of sleazy impulse, because she didn't ask both of them. She asked OP's DH.

I'd think less of her, too.

OP. This is part of it for me. She sounded supportive when we were both on the phone and then five hours later called DH. She had time to think about it. I was asleep so I didn’t hear the conversation but FWIW DH was annoyed that she was pushing on it. He’s scared about all of this too and doesn’t want to be away.

danggggg that's cold. I can understand people saying something stupid in the moment, but FIVE hours later?

[Anonymous]

Totally reasonable and logical request. Also good for you so that you can have time to rest. Win, win, win!

[Anonymous]

Behavior like your MILs would make me do something childish and petty like break a favorite knickknack of MILs the next time I visited. Or send her a glitter bomb card anonymously.

I don't confront. I stew and think of dumb ways to stick it to the person in a passive-aggressive manner. There used to be a fabulous free SMS service that sent a "Hello-This message is to inform you that a recent sexual partner has tested positive for [insert any STD]. You should get tested by a healthcare provider at your earliest convenience." I used that one a lot in my younger years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she suggest that your husband and child spend Christmas away from you? Or did she just suggest they still visit without out (but not necessarily for Christmas)?

If it's the former, I would be annoyed too. Maybe a compromise would be for your husband and child to visit another time over winter break without you, while still spending Christmas home with you.

Have husband and son leave the day after christmas to visit in laws. You get a few days by yourself in your own home. Bliss. Once you have two kids, you will thank me for this idea.

OP is in pain and scared and at risk. I can’t imagine her husband would want to leave her.

It's a few days? She can relax in bed, order food from uber eats, and chat with said husband on facetime the entire time if she wants. With modern transportation he could likely be back home within 5-6 hours at most if a true emergency came up.

You're ridiculous. No, this is not reasonable. And an "emergency" could also be over in the span of way less than 5 hours.

+1. So ridiculous that I suspect a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow , yes, that was very selfish and not empathetic at all. I can’t imagine asking my son to leave his wife alone at Christmas ever, much less when she’s going through something like this! That being said, I think, never wanting to speak to her again, is a slight overreaction, although I wouldn’t be opposed to sending some poop in the mail to her.

you and OP sound like you are about 12 years old. No contact? Poop in the mail? GTFO. Grow up. Life does not revolve around either of you!!!

And you sound like a selfish MIL who thinks it’s the least bit reasonable to ask OP’s husband to leave his wife with pregnancy complications alone, and away from her other child, a flight away on Christmas Day. Absolutely asinine.

DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she suggest that your husband and child spend Christmas away from you? Or did she just suggest they still visit without out (but not necessarily for Christmas)?

If it's the former, I would be annoyed too. Maybe a compromise would be for your husband and child to visit another time over winter break without you, while still spending Christmas home with you.

Have husband and son leave the day after christmas to visit in laws. You get a few days by yourself in your own home. Bliss. Once you have two kids, you will thank me for this idea.

OP is in pain and scared and at risk. I can’t imagine her husband would want to leave her.

It's a few days? She can relax in bed, order food from uber eats, and chat with said husband on facetime the entire time if she wants. With modern transportation he could likely be back home within 5-6 hours at most if a true emergency came up.

You are impressively wrong.