Am I overreacting to in-law’s request re holiday travel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow , yes, that was very selfish and not empathetic at all. I can’t imagine asking my son to leave his wife alone at Christmas ever, much less when she’s going through something like this! That being said, I think, never wanting to speak to her again, is a slight overreaction, although I wouldn’t be opposed to sending some poop in the mail to her.

you and OP sound like you are about 12 years old. No contact? Poop in the mail? GTFO. Grow up. Life does not revolve around either of you!!!

You step off. I'd be mad as holy heck too and it would permanently change the way I think about MIL. What kind of b suggests a husband leave his wife when she is having pregnancy complications and even worse during the holidays? She's a selfish b who made clear what she thinks of her dil. It sounds like she isn't even concerned about the issues op is dealing with.

Mad? Sure. But to permanently cut off contact and never speak to her again? That is an incredible and immature overreaction.

[Anonymous]

It was a ridiculous, misguided, ill thought out request but you need to let it go. Unless she has a history of cutting you out of things, or started laying in pressure when your husband said no, there is nothing to be gained from holding a grudge for this moment of poor judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far away is out of town? Like a plane ride away, he shouldn’t go at all.
A 3 hour car trip and he could go either before or after Christmas Day to see all the relatives.
You can have a break from parenting for a couple of days and relax and rest.

Upstate NY. Closest airport is like 2.5-3 hours so we typically drive. It is usually a 5-6 hr car ride, though the last time we did this trip over the holidays it took 8 hours.

[Anonymous]

As someone with a difficult MIL, I can sense that there is a history here you have no gotten into. From what you wrote it seems it was handled well (your DH immediately said no!) and that's honestly most of the battle. But you are so upset that I can guess that your history includes you being seen as a sort of "accessory" to the family, but not an ACTUAL family member who matters and should be planned around. I have this too, and yes if my MIL had suggested my DH/kid ditch me for Christmas while I had a health crisis I would be livid and she would act confused as to why that's rude.

Deep breaths OP. Your DH has his head on straight. I am sorry you are having a rough pregnancy, and I hope it goes smoothly from this point forward. There will be time with cousins in the future, I am sure.

[Anonymous]

This is insane. No one should leave their partner who is facing health issues for Christmas. Your husband’s response was correct. I wouldn’t cut off contact, but I would definitely keep my distance. They are not thinking of you as “family” and that sucks.

[Anonymous]

This was crappy of her for sure. I recommend that you reframe it in your mind- it’s not a personal attack on you. It was her coping badly with her disappointment at the holiday plans changing. She made a bad decision and your husband handled it swiftly. Move on and take the high road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was crappy of her for sure. I recommend that you reframe it in your mind- it’s not a personal attack on you. It was her coping badly with her disappointment at the holiday plans changing. She made a bad decision and your husband handled it swiftly. Move on and take the high road.

Oh and ps I hope everything goes smoothly for your pregnancy. You’re doing the right thing!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was a ridiculous, misguided, ill thought out request but you need to let it go. Unless she has a history of cutting you out of things, or started laying in pressure when your husband said no, there is nothing to be gained from holding a grudge for this moment of poor judgement.

This. OP is pregnant and stressed and scared, and therefore likely (like everyone) to displace all that onto something unrelated. That's normal but you can't let it ruin important relationships.

Try to frame it as a funny story about loving family being foolish.

[Anonymous]

Did you invite them to come to you for Christmas? I can see them being bummed about your having to stay home, but then they thought of a way to “salvage” Christmas, since they might be unlikely to invite themselves to your house.

As a rule, I try to not get upset about a request. People can ask anything, and I can always say no. I have to be okay with saying no, and not blame them for my no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was a ridiculous, misguided, ill thought out request but you need to let it go. Unless she has a history of cutting you out of things, or started laying in pressure when your husband said no, there is nothing to be gained from holding a grudge for this moment of poor judgement.

This. OP is pregnant and stressed and scared, and therefore likely (like everyone) to displace all that onto something unrelated. That's normal but you can't let it ruin important relationships.

Try to frame it as a funny story about loving family being foolish.

Except nothing in the post indicates that MIL is loving to OP. Maybe she is old, or dumb, but there is nothing loving about what she said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she suggest that your husband and child spend Christmas away from you? Or did she just suggest they still visit without out (but not necessarily for Christmas)?

If it's the former, I would be annoyed too. Maybe a compromise would be for your husband and child to visit another time over winter break without you, while still spending Christmas home with you.

Christmas. Other siblings are coming to them and she wants husband there at the same time. Which I get, and I also really wanted our kid to have time with all of her cousins, but then this happened.

I’m at risk of preterm labor so I don’t really want my husband out of town right now, but we did invite them to visit at some point in the near future and they haven’t gotten back to us on that.

I'd be super POed too. I might be ok if they went up after the day after Christmas so they still got to see their family.

[Anonymous]

I'm totally on your side. But this might not be as nefarious as you think. She might think you are very sick and not up to celebrating and would rather just sleep the day (or something), so she offered that your dh and kid could still attend. When I was really sick (not contagious) one year, I did send the rest of my family to attend Thanksgiving without me. I was grateful to have silence and for someone else to entertain the kids.

Your dh should explain to her how you want to spend Christmas with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you invite them to come to you for Christmas? I can see them being bummed about your having to stay home, but then they thought of a way to “salvage” Christmas, since they might be unlikely to invite themselves to your house.

As a rule, I try to not get upset about a request. People can ask anything, and I can always say no. I have to be okay with saying no, and not blame them for my no.

No, didn’t invite them for Christmas, they have a bunch of people already coming to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you invite them to come to you for Christmas? I can see them being bummed about your having to stay home, but then they thought of a way to “salvage” Christmas, since they might be unlikely to invite themselves to your house.

As a rule, I try to not get upset about a request. People can ask anything, and I can always say no. I have to be okay with saying no, and not blame them for my no.

Agree - it's ok to ask; I think you are overreacting. It's also ok to give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was thinking it could somehow work out to see her son/grandson but still be sensitive to your needs. Maybe she thought you'd want some quiet time. Maybe she just had a misguided moment, which can happen when grandparents, holidays and grandkids are involved. Don't see it as a slight against you, but rather people really wanting to see family. If it were me I'd send my husband and kid off on the 26th for a few days and have a friend on call for me if need be. And I'd binge Netflix and relax.

[Anonymous]

I think you are overreacting and you probably had pre-existing issues with MIL that you didn’t share here.

It’s not unreasonable to ask DH if he/grandkid could visit at all over the holiday (not necessarily on Christmas but surely he could overlap with some family the 26th and beyond). And, of course, it’s not unreasonable for you to be uncomfortable being alone and for your DH to say no.

In any case, seems like there is no problem now — you’re getting your way but still looking for drama.