That awkward moment when you realize you don't qualify as family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The moment of non blood relative or outsider or totally rude self-centered in laws?

When we went to their home 3000 miles away and all the framed pictures, screensavers, and magnets were only of their sons with the grandkids. No wives or full family photos.

It literally looks like their sons are widowed or divorced with kids.

Ha, ha- that's so weird! I'm thankful for my MIL. She actually had a single pic of me in her living room. OP, I"d be mad about the recipe and her comment. I'd keep her at arm's length too.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have so much sympathy for you. I agree your MIL was just awful, but I also agree that you are sounding more and more upset every time you post and you need to step away.

Give it a few weeks and then have lunch with your MIL to hash it out. No need to just blow everything up over this before you talk to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wait a few years. Maybe she'll give it to her grandchild! Or have your DH ask for it. He's a blood relation.

Watch all of a sudden I'll be "family" again when it comes time for me to give her access to my children. Almost like the incubator all of a sudden I'll matter again. My husband doesn't cook so he isn't interested in having it.

Pretty much. Just me your own recipe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP who had urged a forgiving stance. You're getting more hysterical with each reply. Step away from the internet for your own sanity.

I'm very hurt and I'm only getting hystericl because people are attacking me

What you view as people attacking you is actually people disagreeing with you. Don't post on DCUM if you can't handle that, not everyone is going to agree with you on anything. They aren't always real nice about it either because it's an anonymous forum. Now you know that so you can calm down and try to look at your MIL issue more rationally.

Maybe you should try telling her that you view her as family now that you are married to her son even if she doesn't view you as family.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I hope she apologizes to you.

Did you enjoy spending time with her or did you see it as a chore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel I should clear up some confusion. My DH and I have an excellent marriage and I always had a great or at least I thought relationship with my mil.

I am learning that based on MIL's words I am not family only blood family matters therefore since I don't qualify as family I am forever off the hook for family functions. DH is free to go see and talk to his mother as he pleases as I would never try to interfere with that. If he chooses on his own to cut bad due to her unkind words to his wife he's a big boy that's his own decision.

Since blood is so important with her and I'm not family her words. I will give her all the time in the world to be with her "real" family her blood family. I will focus on my "real" blood family during those visits. If she asks DH where I am well mom you told my wife she isn't family and that only blood counts so she is giving you that time with your blood family and she is spending time with her blood family. Surely you can't expect her to put you ahead of her blood since according to you blood is more important?

Cards, gifts, reaching out, shopping trips, phone call and texts will now all be DHs responsibility.

It's not being petty or playing games it's simply listening to MIL's words and proceeding with the relationship accordingly. Focusing my energy on people who don't speak unkind to me and really value me and my feelings as a human.

They always were, dum-dum! Why did you pick up that rope? I don’t send MIL gifts, she’s not my mom. My husband has a calendar and a credit, like a big boy! Wow!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a very dramatic post. Why do you care what she thinks about you? And stop acting like a martyr with your DH. He should absolutely have your back by expressing his anger towards his mother and not engaging until she apologizes.

This post is not dramatic. The OP calmly states what happened and the describes her feelings.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same boat, OP. I'm 16 years into my marriage with three kids and MIL and SILs still only communicate directly with my DH unless he specifically tells them to ask me. It's the number 1 strongest point of friction between me and my DH. Having kids doesn't improve anything because once they were born, I had served my purpose. The kids are welcome but I'm just a secondary caretaker. So, my permanent role is of one expected to attend but not treated like a guest or family. I've had to accept this as their point of view but I mostly decline family events, even if it is a holiday. This has meant that we generally spend less time with them, which irks them but not enough for them to do any soul searching on this issue.

[Anonymous]

Have your husband ask for the recipe. I understand and promise this exclusion will hurt her more in the long run.

[Anonymous]

What’s the recipe for.? What kind of pie is it? Enquiring minds want to know!

She sounds like a b****.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL simply doesn't want you becoming the person that prepares that recipe for her son or other family events. It gives her a sense of purpose, makes her unique, and you are trying to take that away from her. How is this not obvious?

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I know you're really hurting. If it makes you feel any better, my great-aunt wouldn't share her de-licious pie recipe with me. Yes, it was a family recipe but she was the only girl in the family so my grandfather/great-uncles never had it. Seems that back-in-the-day, recipes for sought after foods were a reflection of a woman's worth/value (silly, I know) which is why they were held so close. It was also a way of garnering positive attention at a time women had few means to do so in a larger family setting. I'm 58 and saw a lot of this growing up. Could you MIL be holding onto some of that internalized misogyny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just pie! Who cares.

Please you can't be this dense. It's deeper than just pie. It's about my mil clearly doesn't view me as family.

Ok say it is just pie than my MIL's relationship with me is less important than "just pie" so doesn't that just prove my point in that I'm correct in being hurt.

OP, I think you're letting your hurt over this whole family-not-family thing cloud your judgement. You complained that MIL views you as "less than" or "second tier" family. Is that not, simply, logical? You are by definition both less than and second tier compared to people she birthed and direct descendants. I'm not a mother and even I can see that nothing can trump the feeling a mother has for her children. You being second to them is simply biology.

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. You being less important than her direct family doesn't make you not important. This all-or-nothing attitude isn't the way to go.

Her behavior about the pie is ridiculous, but you're reaction to it is not proportional.

What a weird take. Do you also think adopted children are second tier?

[Anonymous]

OP ignore the troll comments. It’s clearly riling you up and no one else is taking them seriously anyways.

[Anonymous]

You are way too sensitive. I can’t imagine feeling so upset and crying over this. Get a grip.

Do you have kids? Maybe she will see you as more of family when you birth her grandchildren.