I regret having kids

[Anonymous]

I hate one of my 3.
He has ruined my life and his siblings lives. Autism, severe mental health issues, broke my arm once, will never live indepedently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see now how naive I was about what parenthood is like, and my reasons for wanting kids were short-sighted, stupid, and selfish.

And now I’m paying for it. I will never be free.

No need to feel sorry for my kids. They have a good life, and I block out these feelings during the day. It’s only at night when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet and still enough for these feelings to creep up that I’m overcome with sorrow.

That is all.

Your parents probably regretted having you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because having kids is a profound experience equal to none, and people who don’t have it just aren’t the same.

That has not been my experience. In what way is it profound?

It’s not profound by itself. Anyone can have a kid. It’s only profound if you make it that way— which is the same if any experience.

How do you make it profound?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Modern American parenting is uniquely soul sucking in human history:

1) Massive social inequality incentivized “investing” in your kid and cultivating them into bourgeoisie middle class professionals. Well guess what? Not only are there not enough spots for everyone to do this successfully, but some kids won’t ever fit that mold. Therefore, we have huge increases in diagnosed special needs.

2) Care work is devalued so usually both parents have to work and then do the care job after the paid one.

3) lack of extended family and local connections as everyone is busy working


Stop blaming yourself. Your children are people for whom you have love and care. You are not going to be able to control everything about how they turn out.

I was just thinking how as women we really are screwed once we have kids because everything falls on us. Sure you can say you split 50/50 with your DH but the freaking load of it all is enormous. It's unfair! Then they say get a job! You get one and realize holy shit, not only do I now have to maintain the work of a career but everything else related to my child/children. IT IS INSANE!

[Anonymous]

Parenting in US is harder. In many parts of EU kids still roam free at young age and even in the city. They are also in the care of government most of their days. By the time they get home, they are exhausted and not much trouble.
My parent barely did any parenting in the 80s. They had no idea where we were. We just had to make it home at dark. I was still allowed to go out after showing my face and eating. We wore ourselves out, not organized sports or parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parenting in US is harder. In many parts of EU kids still roam free at young age and even in the city. They are also in the care of government most of their days. By the time they get home, they are exhausted and not much trouble.
My parent barely did any parenting in the 80s. They had no idea where we were. We just had to make it home at dark. I was still allowed to go out after showing my face and eating. We wore ourselves out, not organized sports or parents.

If this was really true, we all would have moved to Europe years ago.

You know school hours are much longer in the US right? Lots of Europe kids are home by noon and parents have more to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting in US is harder. In many parts of EU kids still roam free at young age and even in the city. They are also in the care of government most of their days. By the time they get home, they are exhausted and not much trouble.
My parent barely did any parenting in the 80s. They had no idea where we were. We just had to make it home at dark. I was still allowed to go out after showing my face and eating. We wore ourselves out, not organized sports or parents.

If this was really true, we all would have moved to Europe years ago.

You know school hours are much longer in the US right? Lots of Europe kids are home by noon and parents have more to deal with.

32.5 hrs/week in UK, just like US.

https://www.theguardian.com/education/2022/mar/26/ministers-to-make-school-week-a-minimum-of-325-hours-in-england

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if op is real or feels guilty, but while we have a strong biological urge to procreate, children had a very different role for most of humanity than we expect here in the US today. Life was hard before 1950 and young children were expected and needed to pull their weight and essentially be a labor force to help the family grow and procure food, shelter, and basic resources. Not to mention caring for younger siblings. The modern expectation that we put very little responsibility on children and in fact disrupt our lives severely in an attempt to ‘enrich’ their childhood would be unrecognizable to most parents before 1950. I think it’s gotten to the point where it’s made many parents and, frankly, children too, mostly miserable and devoid of purpose.

Yes, I think this is an underdiscussed point. We tend to focus on the psychological aspects of how parenting has changed in the last hundred years, but the experience of childhood has changed too, and I often think the rising rates of mental illness and self-harm among children and teens is directly related to this.

+1 and I second the recommendation from another PP for "All Joy and No Fun". Enlightening read.

This was mentioned a couple of times here. Can smn please give a TLDR summary of the book? Please and thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting in US is harder. In many parts of EU kids still roam free at young age and even in the city. They are also in the care of government most of their days. By the time they get home, they are exhausted and not much trouble.
My parent barely did any parenting in the 80s. They had no idea where we were. We just had to make it home at dark. I was still allowed to go out after showing my face and eating. We wore ourselves out, not organized sports or parents.

If this was really true, we all would have moved to Europe years ago.

You know school hours are much longer in the US right? Lots of Europe kids are home by noon and parents have more to deal with.

32.5 hrs/week in UK, just like US.

https://www.theguardian.com/education/2022/mar/26/ministers-to-make-school-week-a-minimum-of-325-hours-in-england

And Germany?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Modern American parenting is uniquely soul sucking in human history:

1) Massive social inequality incentivized “investing” in your kid and cultivating them into bourgeoisie middle class professionals. Well guess what? Not only are there not enough spots for everyone to do this successfully, but some kids won’t ever fit that mold. Therefore, we have huge increases in diagnosed special needs.

2) Care work is devalued so usually both parents have to work and then do the care job after the paid one.

3) lack of extended family and local connections as everyone is busy working


Stop blaming yourself. Your children are people for whom you have love and care. You are not going to be able to control everything about how they turn out.

and I don't know what happened but when I gave birth, I immediately became less than in many people's eyes. Doctors, people in stores etc. It was bizarre.

Yes, it's like you are categorized immediately into this sphere of "not working lady archetype" and immediately placed into the same category as a woman who had a teen pregnancy, or the lady with 10 kids or the uneducated moms, etc... I totally know what you are saying. Then everyone has an opinion wherever you go, pre kids DH and I were 2 free fun anonymous faces to many strangers when we went out. After kids, forget about it.

This is strange and doesn't align with my experience; I was a young mom for DC (mid-20s) and I felt like people finally treated me like a Real Adult when I had a kid. More respect, etc. But I sure as heck agree with the original quoted post above. Uniquely soul-sucking is 100% right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see now how naive I was about what parenthood is like, and my reasons for wanting kids were short-sighted, stupid, and selfish.

And now I’m paying for it. I will never be free.

No need to feel sorry for my kids. They have a good life, and I block out these feelings during the day. It’s only at night when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet and still enough for these feelings to creep up that I’m overcome with sorrow.

That is all.

I think this is a three part issue.

1. Obviously, not putting much thought into the decision of having children.

2. Mental health issues.

3. Financial and marital issues.

Try to analyze it from all three angles. Seek therapy and seek support from spouse, parents, siblings, in-laws, friends, neighbors, paid babysitters, whoever is willing to extend a hand.

AND keep it in mind that right ir wrong, becoming pregnant was in your control, not in your children's control. You owe it to them for your decision.

[Anonymous]

And btw if you realized it after one then why have another kid?

[Anonymous]

As far as you'll never be free, just wait until they are teens, after that they'll have little interest in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As far as you'll never be free, just wait until they are teens, after that they'll have little interest in you.

If you read the OP's posts, you'll see she has a child with special needs. For many of those, being "on duty" never ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As far as you'll never be free, just wait until they are teens, after that they'll have little interest in you.

If you read the OP's posts, you'll see she has a child with special needs. For many of those, being "on duty" never ends.

I'm sorry OP. I hope you find resources and support you need.