I regret having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if op is real or feels guilty, but while we have a strong biological urge to procreate, children had a very different role for most of humanity than we expect here in the US today. Life was hard before 1950 and young children were expected and needed to pull their weight and essentially be a labor force to help the family grow and procure food, shelter, and basic resources. Not to mention caring for younger siblings. The modern expectation that we put very little responsibility on children and in fact disrupt our lives severely in an attempt to ‘enrich’ their childhood would be unrecognizable to most parents before 1950. I think it’s gotten to the point where it’s made many parents and, frankly, children too, mostly miserable and devoid of purpose.

Agree. Read “All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood“

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because having kids is a profound experience equal to none, and people who don’t have it just aren’t the same.

Sorry couldn’t figure out the quote button in the new design.
This was an answer to why I would feel deficient if I didn’t have kids

If you didn't have kids you wouldn't know what it's like to have kids. I don't and I don't.

I had a college friend who was born with no left arm. When she was asked if she missed having two arms she said "do you miss having three?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have major anxiety and stopped at one. I sometimes think I should not have a kid because my anxiety is so bad. I manage, but knew myself well enough to hard stop.

It has gotten better since he is older but the sleepless nights of sitting with anxiety filled thoughts has traumatized me. Never want to feel this again with another kid. Some people need to stop while ahead or do other things to fulfill them besides kids. I miss just worrying about myself. It’s exhausting caring for kids. I would never recommend kids to anyone, but I am happy for those who truly want and have the capacity to care for them. I’m glad people are talking more and normalizing choosing not to have kids. Just know your limits.

Just wanted to thank you, PP, for this incredibly thoughtful and reflective comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if op is real or feels guilty, but while we have a strong biological urge to procreate, children had a very different role for most of humanity than we expect here in the US today. Life was hard before 1950 and young children were expected and needed to pull their weight and essentially be a labor force to help the family grow and procure food, shelter, and basic resources. Not to mention caring for younger siblings. The modern expectation that we put very little responsibility on children and in fact disrupt our lives severely in an attempt to ‘enrich’ their childhood would be unrecognizable to most parents before 1950. I think it’s gotten to the point where it’s made many parents and, frankly, children too, mostly miserable and devoid of purpose.

Yes, I think this is an underdiscussed point. We tend to focus on the psychological aspects of how parenting has changed in the last hundred years, but the experience of childhood has changed too, and I often think the rising rates of mental illness and self-harm among children and teens is directly related to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if op is real or feels guilty, but while we have a strong biological urge to procreate, children had a very different role for most of humanity than we expect here in the US today. Life was hard before 1950 and young children were expected and needed to pull their weight and essentially be a labor force to help the family grow and procure food, shelter, and basic resources. Not to mention caring for younger siblings. The modern expectation that we put very little responsibility on children and in fact disrupt our lives severely in an attempt to ‘enrich’ their childhood would be unrecognizable to most parents before 1950. I think it’s gotten to the point where it’s made many parents and, frankly, children too, mostly miserable and devoid of purpose.

Yes, I think this is an underdiscussed point. We tend to focus on the psychological aspects of how parenting has changed in the last hundred years, but the experience of childhood has changed too, and I often think the rising rates of mental illness and self-harm among children and teens is directly related to this.

+1 and I second the recommendation from another PP for "All Joy and No Fun". Enlightening read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Modern American parenting is uniquely soul sucking in human history:

1) Massive social inequality incentivized “investing” in your kid and cultivating them into bourgeoisie middle class professionals. Well guess what? Not only are there not enough spots for everyone to do this successfully, but some kids won’t ever fit that mold. Therefore, we have huge increases in diagnosed special needs.

2) Care work is devalued so usually both parents have to work and then do the care job after the paid one.

3) lack of extended family and local connections as everyone is busy working


Stop blaming yourself. Your children are people for whom you have love and care. You are not going to be able to control everything about how they turn out.

and I don't know what happened but when I gave birth, I immediately became less than in many people's eyes. Doctors, people in stores etc. It was bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do dislike one child of mine. It's normal. They both have same help and equal things. But I secretly hate one of them. Can't wait for the one to leave

it’s not secret. They know. Unfortunately

PP you know that you need therapy and are damaging that child. You are probably doing equal damage to your golden child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because having kids is a profound experience equal to none, and people who don’t have it just aren’t the same.

It is a profound experience for YOU, not for everyone. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Modern American parenting is uniquely soul sucking in human history:

1) Massive social inequality incentivized “investing” in your kid and cultivating them into bourgeoisie middle class professionals. Well guess what? Not only are there not enough spots for everyone to do this successfully, but some kids won’t ever fit that mold. Therefore, we have huge increases in diagnosed special needs.

2) Care work is devalued so usually both parents have to work and then do the care job after the paid one.

3) lack of extended family and local connections as everyone is busy working


Stop blaming yourself. Your children are people for whom you have love and care. You are not going to be able to control everything about how they turn out.

and I don't know what happened but when I gave birth, I immediately became less than in many people's eyes. Doctors, people in stores etc. It was bizarre.

This is strange and doesn't align with my experience; I was a young mom for DC (mid-20s) and I felt like people finally treated me like a Real Adult when I had a kid. More respect, etc. But I sure as heck agree with the original quoted post above. Uniquely soul-sucking is 100% right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because having kids is a profound experience equal to none, and people who don’t have it just aren’t the same.

That has not been my experience. In what way is it profound?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because having kids is a profound experience equal to none, and people who don’t have it just aren’t the same.

That has not been my experience. In what way is it profound?

It’s not profound by itself. Anyone can have a kid. It’s only profound if you make it that way— which is the same if any experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re wealthy send them to summer-long sleepaway camps, junior boarding school & then boarding school

I now believe that the Devil exists.

Sending a child whose parents aren't capable of being great parents away to camp and boarding school might actually be a great thing for the kid. You have a very myopic world view. Next time maybe stop and think that perhaps there are experiences outside your own that are also ok. You sound like someone on the far right or left who is convinced their way is the only way. How sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because having kids is a profound experience equal to none, and people who don’t have it just aren’t the same.

That has not been my experience. In what way is it profound?

It’s not profound by itself. Anyone can have a kid. It’s only profound if you make it that way— which is the same if any experience.

How do you make it profound? How do you make it very great or intense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see now how naive I was about what parenthood is like, and my reasons for wanting kids were short-sighted, stupid, and selfish.

And now I’m paying for it. I will never be free.

No need to feel sorry for my kids. They have a good life, and I block out these feelings during the day. It’s only at night when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet and still enough for these feelings to creep up that I’m overcome with sorrow.

That is all.

OP I very much appreciate your honesty and that you can talk about it. I'm totally on the other spectrum. I'm late 40's child-free and have never looked back or regretted it even though people told me I would. I haven't. Not once. I got a lot of judgement from it too.

I hope things get better for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see now how naive I was about what parenthood is like, and my reasons for wanting kids were short-sighted, stupid, and selfish.

And now I’m paying for it. I will never be free.

No need to feel sorry for my kids. They have a good life, and I block out these feelings during the day. It’s only at night when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet and still enough for these feelings to creep up that I’m overcome with sorrow.

That is all.

Yes, you will. It's a long slog from 4 to like 8 or 9, but then it gets a lot easier and time really speeds up. You will have lots of freedom while they are still at home, and then they will be gone.

But, in the meantime, get some therapy.

Spoken like a parent of typically developing kids, who has no idea how hard it can be. Just saying.

I feel you, OP. Can you find a therapist for yourself? That’s where I would start.

Don't be so hostile. The SN part was specified later. The resentment toward parents of typically developing kids is unnecessary. None of us get to choose what we get, we all just go with it.