I regret having kids

[Anonymous]

I see now how naive I was about what parenthood is like, and my reasons for wanting kids were short-sighted, stupid, and selfish.

And now I’m paying for it. I will never be free.

No need to feel sorry for my kids. They have a good life, and I block out these feelings during the day. It’s only at night when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet and still enough for these feelings to creep up that I’m overcome with sorrow.

That is all.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? If they are newborns, you should get checked for post partum depression.

[Anonymous]

OP. My kids are 11 and 4. It took several years for #2. It was shortly after #2 was born that I came to this realization. I wished I had wisened up much, much sooner (like, before #1 was ever conceived).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see now how naive I was about what parenthood is like, and my reasons for wanting kids were short-sighted, stupid, and selfish.

And now I’m paying for it. I will never be free.

No need to feel sorry for my kids. They have a good life, and I block out these feelings during the day. It’s only at night when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet and still enough for these feelings to creep up that I’m overcome with sorrow.

That is all.

Yes, you will. It's a long slog from 4 to like 8 or 9, but then it gets a lot easier and time really speeds up. You will have lots of freedom while they are still at home, and then they will be gone.

But, in the meantime, get some therapy.

[Anonymous]

If you’re wealthy send them to summer-long sleepaway camps, junior boarding school & then boarding school

[Anonymous]

Can I ask how it took until after number two was born (when the first one would have already been seven) for you to come to this realisation? Was it the stress of going from one to two kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re wealthy send them to summer-long sleepaway camps, junior boarding school & then boarding school

Sad “solution”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see now how naive I was about what parenthood is like, and my reasons for wanting kids were short-sighted, stupid, and selfish.

And now I’m paying for it. I will never be free.

No need to feel sorry for my kids. They have a good life, and I block out these feelings during the day. It’s only at night when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet and still enough for these feelings to creep up that I’m overcome with sorrow.

That is all.

I know you're posting a vent and not asking a question here, but OP, look at what's ahead.

You can just continue to be resigned to nights of sorrow and days of sleepwalking through your own life, tamping down your feelings;

Or risk having your kids eventually comprehend how you feel, and their dealing with the resulting lifelong emotional problems (not blaming you here, just stating bluntly, the reality for any kid, teen or adult who realizes they were not wanted);

Or risk losing your marriage as your spouse realizes your feelings and you decide to leave the kids to spouse's care because you just can't keep sleepwalking by day and grieving by night.

Or really, all three of the above. Do you think that's where you're headed? Does your spouse (if spouse is in the picture?) know how you feel? Have you had any therapy and if so, did you frankly reveal these feelings? They're tough ones to admit to having, even to a therapist. Why do you think the reality of kids is so far from your expectations? Does one of them have needs that are beyond what you anticipated? Did their presence alter your marriage in ways you dislike and regret, and you'd rather be married but childless? Do you simply find you cannot connect emotionally with your kids? All of these are things that can be worked on with the guidance of an experienced therapist and with you deciding to engage and participate in that therapy. Therapy is not perfect, not a magic formula, but since the alternative is living in service of two humans you cannot really say you want in your life--maybe you need to figure out why your expectations and the reality of kids are so far apart and how to find some modicum of day to day interest, even pleasure, in them. It will take very intentional effort on your part rather than "blocking out feelings" most of your waking hours.

And where is your spouse in all this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? If they are newborns, you should get checked for post partum depression.

Get checked for depression, period.

The blocking of emotions, the apparent 'going through the motions' days and sad nights, all sound like possible indicators of depression.

OP, you need outside help. Your feelings are yours to own and it's perfectly OK to admit to having had all the wrong expectations and to being frustrated with parenthood and feeling you missed out on other things in life due to having kids. But it's not healthy for you, your relationship with your significant other, or your kids, for you to spend years and years to come in this state, fixated on never feeling "free."

It's hard and slow to get therapists these days so please start looking for one ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask how it took until after number two was born (when the first one would have already been seven) for you to come to this realisation? Was it the stress of going from one to two kids?

OP. It’s complicated. The severity of #1s special needs came to light when I was already a few months pregnant with #2. And raising #1 just gets harder with as they get older. The hardships forced me to come to terms with truths that were not in my awareness. Also think I’m just becoming more introspective with age (I’m 48).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask how it took until after number two was born (when the first one would have already been seven) for you to come to this realisation? Was it the stress of going from one to two kids?

+1

[Anonymous]

It's not that uncommon to feel this way. If the norm was to not have kids and having kids was like, "being a doctor" or similar, I think far fewer people would have them. The societal pressure is HUGE. Expectations of motherly perfection are sky high and it's like an unrelenting competition. It's very unhealthy for women.

I'm generally happy with being a mom but I am also 100% sure if it wasn't like the pinnacle of finally being "successful" I would have been very happy without.

[Anonymous]

I sometimes feel this way too. No advice, just some solidarity and honesty. Kids are so much harder than I ever could’ve anticipated. My older son is SN and the worrying can consume me if I let it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask how it took until after number two was born (when the first one would have already been seven) for you to come to this realisation? Was it the stress of going from one to two kids?

OP. It’s complicated. The severity of #1s special needs came to light when I was already a few months pregnant with #2. And raising #1 just gets harder with as they get older. The hardships forced me to come to terms with truths that were not in my awareness. Also think I’m just becoming more introspective with age (I’m 48).

I’m sorry. This sounds really hard

[Anonymous]

Special needs is really tough. Give yourself some grace. It doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have enjoyed parenting minus the special needs.