Dating someone whose ex has full custody of their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a case where the ex-wife remarried a very wealthy man and basically used legal firepower to start draining the ex-husband’s monetary resources. The ex-husband was basically left with two options: (1) spend down everything on lawyers and still eventually lose your kids or (2) keep what you got and see kids on holidays, but otherwise ex-wife gets full custody.

I know another case where the ex-wife’s father was crazy rich (9-figure net worth) and it was basically the same situation - we will outspend you until you have nothing and you’ll still lose the kids.

This happens way more often then you realize, particularly in UMC and wealthier circles.

Unfortunately this also happened to a friend of mine. The legal system is the best we have but is by no means perfect. He really misses his kid.

This happened to me also: I was extremely poor (due to having been a SAHM to cheating ex!) and he hired the nastiest, most aggressive divorce attorney who just decimated me in court. He consulted with the other reputable divorce attorneys in the area and the guy I hired ended up being pretty terrible. He got primary physical and legal custody. Custody order determines we are equally as fit as parents. I have gone to court many times to amend this but no luck.

I am devastated by this every day. Just yesterday my kids left to go back and were in tears for an hour before leaving, saying it wasn’t fair and asking why they don’t get to choose where they live. It is an absolute nightmare.

All of this to say: things aren’t as cut and dry as you might think when it comes to custody decisions.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:No, huuuuge red flag. Someone gave up their kids? They are a pos. End of story.

Usually it’s not that they “gave them up,” but that their ex-partner basically stole custody.

Not possible. If they don’t have them they didn’t do the barest minimum to fight for them.

After a divorce, with child support, alimony, divorce costs, often men get stuck with the bulk of the expenses and they simply cannot afford the court battle.

Every family court is more than equipped to do this with pro se litigants. The default rules heavily favor fair splits so it’s very hard for a mom to successfully avoid giving a willing dad his time.

You really think a Dad will win pro se against an attorney and mom who makes up stories about how bad the dad is? And, what if mom moved the kids cross country - that is still filing fees, plane tickets, hotel. And, what about people who cannot travel freely like active duty?

Not only do I think a dad will win pro se, up against a lawyer—I know he will. It happens absolutely every day.

Now if dad won’t give up a job that will prevent him from taking 50/50 custody you’re right. He won’t be granted 50/50 custody. Parenting is full of hard choices. Your husband made his choice.

You are in la la land to think a dad with no legal experience can win 50-50. And, how does that work when mom took the kids while he was at work and moved them cross-country without his or the courts permission?

How it works is he files an emergency custody order and forces them right back if he actually wants them. There is a national law about this and he could have availed himself of it and won, but he clearly didn’t even try.

I am someone who filed an emergency custody order during the height of Covid, as ex was continuing every matter and prolonging the process, and the judge came out yelling about “taking it to Annapolis” if my lawyer had a problem with how aggressive he was being. He wouldn’t even hear the argument for why this was being requested.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Would you like this because more time with your SO, or would it be a red flag?

Have you asked them? Many years ago a friend of mom left her sons because she was afraid fir her life. She lost custody of her sons. She knew he wouldn't hurt them but she was punished severely because the husband was powerful. So. I would find out the story.

I know many women who had to leave a very unhealthy and unsafe situation. It may look like she abandoned the kids but she had to save herself or they were all going down. The kids later understood this. It’s a tough decision but also clear.

Not saying this guy Op is dating is some big victim of various abuses and left to save his mental abilities. Doubt it.

I just can’t believe a mother would feel ok leaving the kids with a man who abused her and created an unhealthy situation for the family. I know 2 women who let their ex-husbands have full custody. The dads were great dads- and both women left to marry younger men who didn’t want kids at all. Their lives were about them as a married couple, and the kids would not fit in.

How can you leave your kids with an abusive person? How do you know once you leave the abusive partner won’t take their anger and resentment out on the closest people left- the kids? Who would protect the kids if that happened?

Then you clearly have little experience in the family court abuse, post separation abuse, financial abuse and divorcing a narcissist with money.
You are blessed.

So true. I’m in year 5 of divorcing a narcissist.

The divorce took 27 mos. He tried to take full custody/ got 30%. Has me in court since divorce was final. More custody, less custody. Suing me for child support. Contempt. It never ends.

There are times I think of taking my life- the courts don’t care. A narcissist with money in family court is a special beast. Thank GOD mine is out of money (and 300k in CC debt) as it may mean some relief for the kids and i

The lawyers and judge and their buddies (court ordered therapists, assessors, psychologists, supervised visit people (costs $200/hr for a supervised visitation!). They see the $$$$$$ of an angry man who wants to fight in court and it goes on and on. To bo real resolution of course. And the kids suffer. And you suffer. And he gets his refill of power.

This. And it happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

This happens in Fairfax VA. We used to call them “shock divorces.” The dominant parent then aggressively goes for more than half of the assets in the Complaint for Divorce. It’s a strategy. It’s painful to see.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:No, huuuuge red flag. Someone gave up their kids? They are a pos. End of story.

Usually it’s not that they “gave them up,” but that their ex-partner basically stole custody.

Not possible. If they don’t have them they didn’t do the barest minimum to fight for them.

After a divorce, with child support, alimony, divorce costs, often men get stuck with the bulk of the expenses and they simply cannot afford the court battle.

Every family court is more than equipped to do this with pro se litigants. The default rules heavily favor fair splits so it’s very hard for a mom to successfully avoid giving a willing dad his time.

You really think a Dad will win pro se against an attorney and mom who makes up stories about how bad the dad is? And, what if mom moved the kids cross country - that is still filing fees, plane tickets, hotel. And, what about people who cannot travel freely like active duty?

A parent who is active duty will get consideration when they’re no longer active duty. This is excuse is so dumb.

You were talking to a second wife his husband lied to her about why he doesn’t have custody. She has bought into his lies so deep.

None of her posts are factual because they were all based on the lie that he told her.

No, he didn't lie.

Yes. He did.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:No, huuuuge red flag. Someone gave up their kids? They are a pos. End of story.

Usually it’s not that they “gave them up,” but that their ex-partner basically stole custody.

Not possible. If they don’t have them they didn’t do the barest minimum to fight for them.

After a divorce, with child support, alimony, divorce costs, often men get stuck with the bulk of the expenses and they simply cannot afford the court battle.

Every family court is more than equipped to do this with pro se litigants. The default rules heavily favor fair splits so it’s very hard for a mom to successfully avoid giving a willing dad his time.

You really think a Dad will win pro se against an attorney and mom who makes up stories about how bad the dad is? And, what if mom moved the kids cross country - that is still filing fees, plane tickets, hotel. And, what about people who cannot travel freely like active duty?

Not only do I think a dad will win pro se, up against a lawyer—I know he will. It happens absolutely every day.

Now if dad won’t give up a job that will prevent him from taking 50/50 custody you’re right. He won’t be granted 50/50 custody. Parenting is full of hard choices. Your husband made his choice.

+1

Men who don’t want their kids use a story about evil mom as cover. You will get what you deserve with such men.

You simply don’t get it or you are a mom who will find any excuse to withhold the kids. Sad.

You’re so full of crap, it’s coming out your ears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, huuuuge red flag. Someone gave up their kids? They are a pos. End of story.

Usually it’s not that they “gave them up,” but that their ex-partner basically stole custody.

Not possible. If they don’t have them they didn’t do the barest minimum to fight for them.

After a divorce, with child support, alimony, divorce costs, often men get stuck with the bulk of the expenses and they simply cannot afford the court battle.

Every family court is more than equipped to do this with pro se litigants. The default rules heavily favor fair splits so it’s very hard for a mom to successfully avoid giving a willing dad his time.

You really think a Dad will win pro se against an attorney and mom who makes up stories about how bad the dad is? And, what if mom moved the kids cross country - that is still filing fees, plane tickets, hotel. And, what about people who cannot travel freely like active duty?

Not only do I think a dad will win pro se, up against a lawyer—I know he will. It happens absolutely every day.

Now if dad won’t give up a job that will prevent him from taking 50/50 custody you’re right. He won’t be granted 50/50 custody. Parenting is full of hard choices. Your husband made his choice.

You are in la la land to think a dad with no legal experience can win 50-50. And, how does that work when mom took the kids while he was at work and moved them cross-country without his or the courts permission?

I live in the legal system. As a lawyer. Pro se litigants get a lot of leeway and the defaults are the defaults. If she kidnapped the children (parental kidnapping is kidnapping, the most common type actually) there is plenty of legal process available to the dad.

And this is so very easy to prove, because any legal process a mom has, a dad has. And moms (as a general rule) just do not sleep on their rights like this. Moms (far more than men) do whatever it takes to be reunited with their children. When dads illegally take off with the kids, they use legal process to right the wrong. It’s the #1 reason you get Amber Alerts.

Having been through it, I can tell you the courts don't care and do the absolute easiest path in the 10-minute hearing. Criminals get more time in court for hearings than custody cases do. It's an absolute joke. Men don't have equal rights and what ever a mom wants to do is generally allowed.

And, if you are cross country, prior to online filing, you'd have to fly out to file, which some cannot afford. When a Dad takes off with the kids, usually the police and courts will help. Not the same if the mom does something illegal. We've called the police to enforce the custody order and they refused to help.

Nope. Repeat it as many times as you like. It won’t make it true.

[Anonymous]

Going back to the dating question, I think it’s sketchy when the parents do not get along. I can’t tell you how many guys say “my ex is crazy” or detail some personality defect or whatever.

I don’t come back for a second date. When I hear that, I think conflict will follow that guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hence gray divorces are so plentiful. Women stay to protect the kids, detach, and then GTFO.

i

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happens in Fairfax VA. We used to call them “shock divorces.” The dominant parent then aggressively goes for more than half of the assets in the Complaint for Divorce. It’s a strategy. It’s painful to see.

What’s a “dominant parent?”

Assets like $$ or assets like Kid Time?

You mean the high conflict dysfunctional narcissist parent forces a litigious trial so he can see his kids on demand more and look like a “father?”

Or the abused default parent goes to trial to puts the kids health, care and safety first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, married him. His ex was a nut job who cheated on him and moved in with the AP. He very much wanted his kids but she's refuse the visits. His family and friends and the AP ex-wife all confirmed the situation and how bad she/AP were. He's a great dad and husband.

But he chose her and married her…red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going back to the dating question, I think it’s sketchy when the parents do not get along. I can’t tell you how many guys say “my ex is crazy” or detail some personality defect or whatever.

I don’t come back for a second date. When I hear that, I think conflict will follow that guy.

I'm a woman and don't talk to my ex anymore. I don't hate him but I don't want him in my life and I don't have to. We don't share custody anymore.

[Anonymous]

I am friends with my ex' we just contact each other on occasional email or/and Facebook, usually holiday greetings or happy birthday.
I've remarried and have a family now.
She emailed me years ago that she "kicked herself" for our breakup (she initiated it) and that she regrets it.
There was never any cheating or abuse on either of our sides.

When she told me that, I realized that she had a whole lot more courage and self awareness than I'll ever have.
I swallowed my pride and admitted to her things that were my fault, but that I never admitted to or apologized for.
Its ironic that she made me a better person after we broke up.

[Anonymous]

That happens all the time.
Then you’re on better behavior for the next woman.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read this entire thread, but: My brother dated and married a woman whose ex had their kids. I do not know what the actual custody arrangement was on paper--it could have been anything at all, even 50/50, or dad with full custody and mom none, but allowed visits anyway....The ex-DH and the kids lived across the country from my SIL. The kids visited her like clockwork in summers for about a month, certain holidays (like two weeks at Christmas or a week at Thanksgiving, I think it was on a rotation with the ex-DH, maybe). She flew out there for the big events like graduations, certain milestone birthdays, etc. etc. She was not a person to abandon her kids, I think, and I got the impression that she and the ex wanted the kids to stay living in the area where they'd lived as a family, which was close to relatives of the DH and had incredible private schools the kids were in already. My SIL's job took her to her location across the country as she was working to advance in management in her company. I know she loved her kids and stayed in close touch with them.

So you never know specific circumstances, when you only hear "well, parent X has the kids and parent Y lives 3,000 miles away and only sees them a couple of times a year." It does not necessarily mean the non-custodial parent or parent who lives far away is a huge red flag in EVERY single case. And I know DCUM would go ballistic on my SIL for living across the country from her kids or "choosing her career over her kids," but I wouldn't. If they'd been small children, it would have seemed stranger, but they were older at the time SIL came into our family. (If this all sounds stilted it's because my SIL died years ago, so I never got to know her kids well or spend much time with her and them together. Sadly.)