How many parents still financially support their middle age adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have several friends who receive money from parents who choose to gift it during life rather than leave it until death. None of these friends need it for basic support but they spend it on themselves and their kids just as the parents intend. If I had money to leave my kids, I would certainly rather see them vacationing and doing fun things during my (and their) life than giving them a lump sum when I die.

If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family.

I think it's incredibly infantalizing for parents to continue to support their children in their 40s.

I have a very very rich friend who told her children from the get-go that they were always welcome to live with them, but that they need to make their own way in the world, and that after college, they were on their own.

The kids have turned out really well, unlike the trust-fund babies that end up having pretty worthless lives. They are independent and live within their means. They know their parents will support them if they are in a crisis, but they were raised to behave like adults and support themselves. One child asked her parents to pay for grad school, and the parents agreed because the child laid out a very good reason for wanting to go (to the #1 program in her field).

We've told our children the same thing: they are on their own after college unless they want to live with us. Two are living on their own and are successful (for a person in their 20s). The youngest two are in college, but they've heard the message loud and clear.

I have trust fund baby friends, and I feel kind of sorry for them because none has ever cut the apron strings, even long after their parents have died. They still live on mom and dad's money. They've never learned how to live within their means because they've never had to. One friend made very stupid financial decisions after he inherited a big pile of money from his dad because he had no idea how to budget his money, had never learned how to invest, how to take care of his finances. He just put his hand out, and his dad wrote a check. That's not how the real world works, and it's kind of pathetic.

What happened to the stupid financial decisions friend? A friend of a friend grew up somewhat similarly. Then the dad, source of the money, died. His two daughters hauled down a fair amount, but the mutual friend ended up losing it in restaurant and entertainment ventures with her boyfriend. And he pretty much split when the money ran out. She had never really held a job save "working" for some photographers when she was fresh out of college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, my friend readily admits in-laws purchased their home, pay for kids private school tuition, take them on annual vacations abroad, pay for kids summer camps, plan to pay for kids college, give them weekly $ for dinners out, and even let them use their Netllix/Apple TV passwords, etc. My friend is a SAHM and husband is a fed. There is no way they could afford their lifestyle on their income alone. I think there are a lot of families in the DMV like this.

I would feel "owned" if my parents did this. No thanks.

The PP sounds like she never grew up.

Giving adult children for unnecessary things like weekly dinners out, vacations abroad, private school tuition, etc. is just sad.

My parents died when I was in my late 20s, so I inherited a lot of money way too young. It was not a good thing, but fortunately, I have a great older half-brother who advised me what to do with the money (put it away for retirement and forget it exists), which is what I did.

I think if I'd gone out and spent the money it would have felt dishonest. If I wanted to make money with my education, I had that choice, but I chose to enter a lower-paying field, and I'm happy with that choice. No, I don't live in a fancy house or vacation abroad, but I have a lifestyle that's appropriate to my income. And I keep my head up and feel proud of what I do and have and that I'm an independent adult.

Great that you were able to listen to him as that is not a slam dunk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does financial support mean to you? My parents are wealthy and pay for family vacations and my kid's private school tuition. DH and I have good jobs and pay our bills and save appropriately. I wouldn't say my parents support us although we would make some different decisions if they didn't help with those things.

No they definitely support you.

+1

When you *don’t* have support like this, you see it clearly for what it is.

Direct financial support like this would be nice, but what I really crave is knowing that there’s some kind of safety net beyond me and DH. We’ve built our own through expensive life insurance, but the people I know with wealthy extended family are secure in a way that I’ll never be. Win some, lose some.

Yes, generational wealth is a different kind of freedom. I've met people who are cool with owning it, they don't act like they've "worked for" their 1m lifestyle on 100K salaries, they are gracious and chill about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does financial support mean to you? My parents are wealthy and pay for family vacations and my kid's private school tuition. DH and I have good jobs and pay our bills and save appropriately. I wouldn't say my parents support us although we would make some different decisions if they didn't help with those things.

No they definitely support you.

+1

When you *don’t* have support like this, you see it clearly for what it is.

Direct financial support like this would be nice, but what I really crave is knowing that there’s some kind of safety net beyond me and DH. We’ve built our own through expensive life insurance, but the people I know with wealthy extended family are secure in a way that I’ll never be. Win some, lose some.

Yes, generational wealth is a different kind of freedom. I've met people who are cool with owning it, they don't act like they've "worked for" their 1m lifestyle on 100K salaries, they are gracious and chill about it.

PP you’re quoting and right. I had a good friend in grad school who came from generational wealth; she was completely open (and chill) about it, and also a very generous friend. She often bought rounds when we were out, etc. - she said often she knew she was lucky. None of this disingenuous posturing about how her parents didn’t support her when they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does financial support mean to you? My parents are wealthy and pay for family vacations and my kid's private school tuition. DH and I have good jobs and pay our bills and save appropriately. I wouldn't say my parents support us although we would make some different decisions if they didn't help with those things.

No they definitely support you.

+1

When you *don’t* have support like this, you see it clearly for what it is.

Direct financial support like this would be nice, but what I really crave is knowing that there’s some kind of safety net beyond me and DH. We’ve built our own through expensive life insurance, but the people I know with wealthy extended family are secure in a way that I’ll never be. Win some, lose some.

Yes, generational wealth is a different kind of freedom. I've met people who are cool with owning it, they don't act like they've "worked for" their 1m lifestyle on 100K salaries, they are gracious and chill about it.

PP you’re quoting and right. I had a good friend in grad school who came from generational wealth; she was completely open (and chill) about it, and also a very generous friend. She often bought rounds when we were out, etc. - she said often she knew she was lucky. None of this disingenuous posturing about how her parents didn’t support her when they did.

I'm not from generational wealth save in the reverse direction. But DH and I have been pretty fortunate over the last 15 years and I pick up the check with my single friends in the nonprofit world - BTDT.

My son played on a travel soccer team. Some of his team mates were on club scholarships with parents who were cabbies, nannies, and hair dressers. They would sometimes get bagels, egg sandwiches, etc after Saturday morning practices. I reminded him to be mindful of his various team mates and that not all of them would have extra money for such treats. He would say, "Oh, my mom gave me some extra money this morning for breakfast - do you want anything?" Invariably, the kid would say, "thanks" or "sure" and they would go from there. It's not always straightforward here but am trying to raise kids with awareness of their luck even though I did not grow up that way myself and don't have a playbook for it.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I fully support ourselves off our salaries (combined about $340k). We live in a small apartment with our two kids in the Bay Area because homes are $2 million or more. BUT I inherited stocks when I was young and my grandfather died (which pay dividends), my parents gift the full allowed amount annually to me and my siblings / our spouses as part of their estate planning (this year they exceeded it) and they are finally generous in other ways. Like last summer they vacationed and wanted us to join them - we paid for our flights and car but they paid for our condo. Could we have paid the $2k for the condo? Yes! But they wanted to and like spending their money on things that mean more time together.

I find myself wondering how many people in their 40s you know who are truly relying on their parents to make ends meet vs receiving money that is “above and beyond”. The gifts / inherited wealth mean we’ve built up substantial savings, but we certainly live well within our salaries and would be doing okay without the gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I fully support ourselves off our salaries (combined about $340k). We live in a small apartment with our two kids in the Bay Area because homes are $2 million or more. BUT I inherited stocks when I was young and my grandfather died (which pay dividends), my parents gift the full allowed amount annually to me and my siblings / our spouses as part of their estate planning (this year they exceeded it) and they are finally generous in other ways. Like last summer they vacationed and wanted us to join them - we paid for our flights and car but they paid for our condo. Could we have paid the $2k for the condo? Yes! But they wanted to and like spending their money on things that mean more time together.

I find myself wondering how many people in their 40s you know who are truly relying on their parents to make ends meet vs receiving money that is “above and beyond”. The gifts / inherited wealth mean we’ve built up substantial savings, but we certainly live well within our salaries and would be doing okay without the gifts.

The gifts/inherited wealth = you started on third base.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I fully support ourselves off our salaries (combined about $340k). We live in a small apartment with our two kids in the Bay Area because homes are $2 million or more. BUT I inherited stocks when I was young and my grandfather died (which pay dividends), my parents gift the full allowed amount annually to me and my siblings / our spouses as part of their estate planning (this year they exceeded it) and they are finally generous in other ways. Like last summer they vacationed and wanted us to join them - we paid for our flights and car but they paid for our condo. Could we have paid the $2k for the condo? Yes! But they wanted to and like spending their money on things that mean more time together.

I find myself wondering how many people in their 40s you know who are truly relying on their parents to make ends meet vs receiving money that is “above and beyond”. The gifts / inherited wealth mean we’ve built up substantial savings, but we certainly live well within our salaries and would be doing okay without the gifts.

The gifts/inherited wealth = you started on third base.

I’m the pp who wrote this and completely agree. (For instance, my experience is very different from my husband’s, who worked through college, had loans and need-based scholarships.) I didn’t read the complete thread but the op asked if people in their 40s haven’t figured out how to be financially independent when will they. I’m not saying we haven’t received a leg up - far from it! - but if my parents today announced they were never giving us another penny we’d be totally fine. I greatly appreciate the money and it does help us - so in that sense we are supported by my parents still. But in the sense of when will they be independent it’s different. Like my brother makes well over $500k in a typical year. I doubt my parents’ $20k gift is making much difference in his life these days but absolutely them paying for college (and when he had crappy insurance when trying to start his company helping to pay for an emergency surgery) made a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does financial support mean to you? My parents are wealthy and pay for family vacations and my kid's private school tuition. DH and I have good jobs and pay our bills and save appropriately. I wouldn't say my parents support us although we would make some different decisions if they didn't help with those things.

They're giving you what, ~$75k each year? I'm not sure what you call that other than helping to support you. Gimme a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Estate planning.

Taxes are the enemy of generational wealth.

Instead of waiting for a taxable inheritance, money is shunted down the generations throughout the decades.

It's the RESPONSIBLE thing to do.

I am not in that situation, but if I were, I would absolutely do the same thing!!!

Just how many of these estates in question are really going to be taxable? Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I fully support ourselves off our salaries (combined about $340k). We live in a small apartment with our two kids in the Bay Area because homes are $2 million or more. BUT I inherited stocks when I was young and my grandfather died (which pay dividends), my parents gift the full allowed amount annually to me and my siblings / our spouses as part of their estate planning (this year they exceeded it) and they are finally generous in other ways. Like last summer they vacationed and wanted us to join them - we paid for our flights and car but they paid for our condo. Could we have paid the $2k for the condo? Yes! But they wanted to and like spending their money on things that mean more time together.

I find myself wondering how many people in their 40s you know who are truly relying on their parents to make ends meet vs receiving money that is “above and beyond”. The gifts / inherited wealth mean we’ve built up substantial savings, but we certainly live well within our salaries and would be doing okay without the gifts.

The gifts/inherited wealth = you started on third base.

I’m the pp who wrote this and completely agree. (For instance, my experience is very different from my husband’s, who worked through college, had loans and need-based scholarships.) I didn’t read the complete thread but the op asked if people in their 40s haven’t figured out how to be financially independent when will they. I’m not saying we haven’t received a leg up - far from it! - but if my parents today announced they were never giving us another penny we’d be totally fine. I greatly appreciate the money and it does help us - so in that sense we are supported by my parents still. But in the sense of when will they be independent it’s different. Like my brother makes well over $500k in a typical year. I doubt my parents’ $20k gift is making much difference in his life these days but absolutely them paying for college (and when he had crappy insurance when trying to start his company helping to pay for an emergency surgery) made a huge difference.

DP - but the question isn’t what would happen if your parents cut you off now, after you’ve benefitted from years of these gifts, it what would have happened if you’d never had them. Your choices would have been different. You have not only a financial but an emotional safety net that many of us never did and never will. It’s hard to calculate the true value of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I fully support ourselves off our salaries (combined about $340k). We live in a small apartment with our two kids in the Bay Area because homes are $2 million or more. BUT I inherited stocks when I was young and my grandfather died (which pay dividends), my parents gift the full allowed amount annually to me and my siblings / our spouses as part of their estate planning (this year they exceeded it) and they are finally generous in other ways. Like last summer they vacationed and wanted us to join them - we paid for our flights and car but they paid for our condo. Could we have paid the $2k for the condo? Yes! But they wanted to and like spending their money on things that mean more time together.

I find myself wondering how many people in their 40s you know who are truly relying on their parents to make ends meet vs receiving money that is “above and beyond”. The gifts / inherited wealth mean we’ve built up substantial savings, but we certainly live well within our salaries and would be doing okay without the gifts.

The gifts/inherited wealth = you started on third base.

I’m the pp who wrote this and completely agree. (For instance, my experience is very different from my husband’s, who worked through college, had loans and need-based scholarships.) I didn’t read the complete thread but the op asked if people in their 40s haven’t figured out how to be financially independent when will they. I’m not saying we haven’t received a leg up - far from it! - but if my parents today announced they were never giving us another penny we’d be totally fine. I greatly appreciate the money and it does help us - so in that sense we are supported by my parents still. But in the sense of when will they be independent it’s different. Like my brother makes well over $500k in a typical year. I doubt my parents’ $20k gift is making much difference in his life these days but absolutely them paying for college (and when he had crappy insurance when trying to start his company helping to pay for an emergency surgery) made a huge difference.

There's been a lot more than a $20K gift in one year for your brother. Yes, you seem more aware than many yet still a little fuzzy about all that went into you being "totally fine" if the spigot shut off today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have several friends who receive money from parents who choose to gift it during life rather than leave it until death. None of these friends need it for basic support but they spend it on themselves and their kids just as the parents intend. If I had money to leave my kids, I would certainly rather see them vacationing and doing fun things during my (and their) life than giving them a lump sum when I die.

If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family.

I think it's incredibly infantalizing for parents to continue to support their children in their 40s.

I have a very very rich friend who told her children from the get-go that they were always welcome to live with them, but that they need to make their own way in the world, and that after college, they were on their own.

The kids have turned out really well, unlike the trust-fund babies that end up having pretty worthless lives. They are independent and live within their means. They know their parents will support them if they are in a crisis, but they were raised to behave like adults and support themselves. One child asked her parents to pay for grad school, and the parents agreed because the child laid out a very good reason for wanting to go (to the #1 program in her field).

We've told our children the same thing: they are on their own after college unless they want to live with us. Two are living on their own and are successful (for a person in their 20s). The youngest two are in college, but they've heard the message loud and clear.

I have trust fund baby friends, and I feel kind of sorry for them because none has ever cut the apron strings, even long after their parents have died. They still live on mom and dad's money. They've never learned how to live within their means because they've never had to. One friend made very stupid financial decisions after he inherited a big pile of money from his dad because he had no idea how to budget his money, had never learned how to invest, how to take care of his finances. He just put his hand out, and his dad wrote a check. That's not how the real world works, and it's kind of pathetic.

"If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family."

We are in our 40s, and have an HHI of ~$500k. My inlaws periodically give us checks of $5000 or so for our son's college fund. We don't ask for it, or expect it. Their financial advisor tells then when they have excess funds that they won't need, and this is how they want to spend it. In your opinion, in order to be independent and not infantalized, we should refuse the gift, or donate it to charity? What about when they pass, should we donate the entire inheritance as well?

That is manifestly ridiculous. Your posts reek of envy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I fully support ourselves off our salaries (combined about $340k). We live in a small apartment with our two kids in the Bay Area because homes are $2 million or more. BUT I inherited stocks when I was young and my grandfather died (which pay dividends), my parents gift the full allowed amount annually to me and my siblings / our spouses as part of their estate planning (this year they exceeded it) and they are finally generous in other ways. Like last summer they vacationed and wanted us to join them - we paid for our flights and car but they paid for our condo. Could we have paid the $2k for the condo? Yes! But they wanted to and like spending their money on things that mean more time together.

I find myself wondering how many people in their 40s you know who are truly relying on their parents to make ends meet vs receiving money that is “above and beyond”. The gifts / inherited wealth mean we’ve built up substantial savings, but we certainly live well within our salaries and would be doing okay without the gifts.

My kids fit this.

We love spending time with all of them.

We offer things like what your parents do we take great care not to overstep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does financial support mean to you? My parents are wealthy and pay for family vacations and my kid's private school tuition. DH and I have good jobs and pay our bills and save appropriately. I wouldn't say my parents support us although we would make some different decisions if they didn't help with those things.

They're giving you what, ~$75k each year? I'm not sure what you call that other than helping to support you. Gimme a break.

Because if the parents did NOT gift them that $$$, they would make some different decisions. So they are adults and living within a managed budget. So while technically it is some help, if they would adjust without it, then they are not reliant on parents. Very similar to how they would function (I suspect) if their family income decreased by $50-75K/year---they would adjust their lifestyle accordingly.

And really, what is the issue most have with this? Jealousy that it's not happening for them? Yes, it sucks to not have parents able to help you. My parents could not help, we grew up very poor. I can help my kids and certainly don't want to just give it when I die in 40+ years, as it will have a much greater impact now. Majority of us are not raising "trust fund brats" who do nothing with their lives. Our kids are contributing members to society, with a bit extra financial help to lift them to the next level (or in my case, to ensure they start investing for retirement at a young age and take full advantage of time). Why would I not pay for my kids to join us on vacations, which they could obviously not afford in their 20s on their own salary? Kid is told when and where we are going and asked if they'd like to join. Sometimes they do, other times work/commitments does not allow it. We like to spend time with our kids, vacations is a fun way to do it and we can afford it.