When did you realize that your parents didn't care about you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

Wow! You expect a child to intuit that he should make a quick pick whilst looking at a variety of treats and he can choose only one? I am your opposite type of mother and bakery customer and I would ask the clerk if we can take our time to pick and call her when we're ready. I'd help my child select something he'd enjoy. I want my kids to feel happiness, not shame. Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear.

You sound like the opposite extreme who is raising entitled and annoying children. This was a near-daily treat and it is very inconsiderate to send the bakery lady away for like 5 minutes and then interrupt whatever she started doing because Your Highness has finally made her choice. If it was an infrequent treat then sure, but not daily.

PP’s mother could have handled it a million times better by not yelling at her child and instead gently and constructively correcting her and coming up with a more efficient way to do things (“You pick what you want on Wednesdays and every other day, let her surprise you with whatever’s nearest”). But the overall message that we should be considerate of others, including retail workers, is 100% correct.

+1 Maybe the yelling was too far, but the message is right. I'm curious if this was the one thing that really stuck out about their childhood? I scolded my child for something similar (not for cookie selection, but for doing something inconsiderate that held up a planned lunch with friends at a restaurant). I hope that's not the one thing she remembers about her childhood!

The yelling and shaming is too far and not needed. The PP says mom belittled him or her, saying child wasting her time etc.
It's the shaming and anger that can be traumatic, the beginnings of emotional abuse.

What child benefits from hearing a message from the person you depend on to survive, that you are wasting their time, or feeling tat persons anger, over and over again?

Anyone who can't appreciate how emotionally vulnerable it would be to be yelled at, to be ridiculed and shamed, emotionally abused by the person you depend on to survive in the world, is just in denial.

Yes, that was what I said. The yelling was too far. I disagree with some of the other PPs that said the retail worker's time wasn't important. That message is totally wrong. All people deserve respect despite their jobs and no one is more important than anyone else.

I didn't say the worker's time wasn't important. I said I'd ask the worker if we could have some time to decide and then call her when we are ready. This models respect for the worker's time to the child. If the worker said, "No", I would quickly explain to my child they have to pick now and would guide them in their choice. I didn't realize this was an every day event. I didn't allow my kids treats every day when they were little, so picking one would have been special and I certainly wouldn't spoil that by yelling at them. I hope this clears things up.

Well, now that you have understood the situation, would you stick by your stance of sending the retail worker away every day so your child can take their time and have their special moment? Or would you gently ask them to be more considerate of the retail worker’s time?[/quote

DP. Give it a rest dude. Or dudess.]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mother, who was a heavy drinking alcoholic, decided in my 30s to suddenly quit cold turkey after the doctor told her beer would aggravate her gout. This, after 30 years of me begging her to quit, of so many fights, of our relationship being insanely strained, and after she got super drunk at my wedding.

For gout.

I think for every person a time comes when they finally are ready for change. It may look weird and selfish but it’s just the timing

Sure, whatever you say. Did you grow up with an alcoholic parent? FFS, she sucked.

With a hoarder in a hoarded home. My mother “prioritized” her crap over me. I did a lot a therapy and feel much better now.
I am not trying to diminish the experience. I am trying to say it may have had nothing to do with PP and everything to do with her mother who was mentally unwell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mother, who was a heavy drinking alcoholic, decided in my 30s to suddenly quit cold turkey after the doctor told her beer would aggravate her gout. This, after 30 years of me begging her to quit, of so many fights, of our relationship being insanely strained, and after she got super drunk at my wedding.

For gout.

I think for every person a time comes when they finally are ready for change. It may look weird and selfish but it’s just the timing

Sure, whatever you say. Did you grow up with an alcoholic parent? FFS, she sucked.

With a hoarder in a hoarded home. My mother “prioritized” her crap over me. I did a lot a therapy and feel much better now.
I am not trying to diminish the experience. I am trying to say it may have had nothing to do with PP and everything to do with her mother who was mentally unwell.

Well that’s exactly what you did was dismiss and diminish the poster’s experience. Maybe offer support or just not reply if your gut reaction is to discount someone else’s trauma. Seriously. OP asked the question and a PP responded with how they felt. And you told them they were wrong. Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom reminded me all my life that I was an unplanned pregnancy and that she was hoping for a boy. But she got a girl. She repeated to me often that she was given advice to ignore my cries as an infant so she did that. She says it wasn’t necessary to attend to my needs, it was okay to let me cry.

At some point she lost my birth certificate and I had to order a new one so that I could apply for a passport.

So I guess I’ve had an inkling for a while of where I stood in her life. As an adult, I realize how seriously fked up it was that a mom would say this stuff to a kid.

Losing something means they don’t care? I mean the rest definitely is bad but I have ADHD and lose stuff all the time. And I care about my DC immensely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom reminded me all my life that I was an unplanned pregnancy and that she was hoping for a boy. But she got a girl. She repeated to me often that she was given advice to ignore my cries as an infant so she did that. She says it wasn’t necessary to attend to my needs, it was okay to let me cry.

At some point she lost my birth certificate and I had to order a new one so that I could apply for a passport.

So I guess I’ve had an inkling for a while of where I stood in her life. As an adult, I realize how seriously fked up it was that a mom would say this stuff to a kid.

Losing something means they don’t care? I mean the rest definitely is bad but I have ADHD and lose stuff all the time. And I care about my DC immensely!

It's a metaphor isn't it?

Did you lose your child's birth certificate? How about the one that has their little feet? Did you lose it because it was mixed up with the bills, the newspaper....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom reminded me all my life that I was an unplanned pregnancy and that she was hoping for a boy. But she got a girl. She repeated to me often that she was given advice to ignore my cries as an infant so she did that. She says it wasn’t necessary to attend to my needs, it was okay to let me cry.

At some point she lost my birth certificate and I had to order a new one so that I could apply for a passport.

So I guess I’ve had an inkling for a while of where I stood in her life. As an adult, I realize how seriously fked up it was that a mom would say this stuff to a kid.

Losing something means they don’t care? I mean the rest definitely is bad but I have ADHD and lose stuff all the time. And I care about my DC immensely!

It's a metaphor isn't it?

Did you lose your child's birth certificate? How about the one that has their little feet? Did you lose it because it was mixed up with the bills, the newspaper....

NP I've had to replace so much paperwork. I lost everyone's birth certificates in a move (mine included). I lost one of my kids' birth certificates when I had to take it to the school for registration and didn't immediately put it away when I got home. I had to reorder mine to get a passport, but I can't remember if I had replaced it after it was lost in the move and I lost it again or just never replaced it. I've spent about $300 replacing documents. It's a stupid problem, but I'm getting better. It has absolutely no bearing on how much I love my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

Wow! You expect a child to intuit that he should make a quick pick whilst looking at a variety of treats and he can choose only one? I am your opposite type of mother and bakery customer and I would ask the clerk if we can take our time to pick and call her when we're ready. I'd help my child select something he'd enjoy. I want my kids to feel happiness, not shame. Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear.

You sound like the opposite extreme who is raising entitled and annoying children. This was a near-daily treat and it is very inconsiderate to send the bakery lady away for like 5 minutes and then interrupt whatever she started doing because Your Highness has finally made her choice. If it was an infrequent treat then sure, but not daily.

PP’s mother could have handled it a million times better by not yelling at her child and instead gently and constructively correcting her and coming up with a more efficient way to do things (“You pick what you want on Wednesdays and every other day, let her surprise you with whatever’s nearest”). But the overall message that we should be considerate of others, including retail workers, is 100% correct.

+1 Maybe the yelling was too far, but the message is right. I'm curious if this was the one thing that really stuck out about their childhood? I scolded my child for something similar (not for cookie selection, but for doing something inconsiderate that held up a planned lunch with friends at a restaurant). I hope that's not the one thing she remembers about her childhood!

The yelling and shaming is too far and not needed. The PP says mom belittled him or her, saying child wasting her time etc.
It's the shaming and anger that can be traumatic, the beginnings of emotional abuse.

What child benefits from hearing a message from the person you depend on to survive, that you are wasting their time, or feeling tat persons anger, over and over again?

Anyone who can't appreciate how emotionally vulnerable it would be to be yelled at, to be ridiculed and shamed, emotionally abused by the person you depend on to survive in the world, is just in denial.

Yes, that was what I said. The yelling was too far. I disagree with some of the other PPs that said the retail worker's time wasn't important. That message is totally wrong. All people deserve respect despite their jobs and no one is more important than anyone else.

I didn't say the worker's time wasn't important. I said I'd ask the worker if we could have some time to decide and then call her when we are ready. This models respect for the worker's time to the child. If the worker said, "No", I would quickly explain to my child they have to pick now and would guide them in their choice. I didn't realize this was an every day event. I didn't allow my kids treats every day when they were little, so picking one would have been special and I certainly wouldn't spoil that by yelling at them. I hope this clears things up.

Well, now that you have understood the situation, would you stick by your stance of sending the retail worker away every day so your child can take their time and have their special moment? Or would you gently ask them to be more considerate of the retail worker’s time?

Can't you read?

[Anonymous]

When my mom and my stepdad kicked me out a week before high school graduation, and my dad told me to find someone to live with for a month or two before calling him back as he was busy taking care of my stepmom and stepsiblings.

[Anonymous]

It was in the fall of 1974. I'm sure they tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Early 30s? When I had my own kids who I cared about immensely…I realized my mother simply didn’t care as much.

this was my experience as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

Wow! You expect a child to intuit that he should make a quick pick whilst looking at a variety of treats and he can choose only one? I am your opposite type of mother and bakery customer and I would ask the clerk if we can take our time to pick and call her when we're ready. I'd help my child select something he'd enjoy. I want my kids to feel happiness, not shame. Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear.

Opposite here. My teen kid would be scolding me for taking too long to decide and holding up the sales help.
This comes from our observations of my MIL. My ILs NEVER order anything from the restaurant menu, they ALWAYS ask for say, the hamburger but no bread, no lettuce, no tomatoes pickles on the side, can I have sweet potato instead of fries? And an egg sunny side up on the burger patty? Don't you have a light beer?

Just as my kid is compensating for his grandparents ridiculous behavior in restaurants, OP's mother might be compensating for some other perceived behavior in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom reminded me all my life that I was an unplanned pregnancy and that she was hoping for a boy. But she got a girl. She repeated to me often that she was given advice to ignore my cries as an infant so she did that. She says it wasn’t necessary to attend to my needs, it was okay to let me cry.

At some point she lost my birth certificate and I had to order a new one so that I could apply for a passport.

So I guess I’ve had an inkling for a while of where I stood in her life. As an adult, I realize how seriously fked up it was that a mom would say this stuff to a kid.

Losing something means they don’t care? I mean the rest definitely is bad but I have ADHD and lose stuff all the time. And I care about my DC immensely!

It's a metaphor isn't it?

Did you lose your child's birth certificate? How about the one that has their little feet? Did you lose it because it was mixed up with the bills, the newspaper....

NP I've had to replace so much paperwork. I lost everyone's birth certificates in a move (mine included). I lost one of my kids' birth certificates when I had to take it to the school for registration and didn't immediately put it away when I got home. I had to reorder mine to get a passport, but I can't remember if I had replaced it after it was lost in the move and I lost it again or just never replaced it. I've spent about $300 replacing documents. It's a stupid problem, but I'm getting better. It has absolutely no bearing on how much I love my children.

You have adhd. Not all moms have adhd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mother, who was a heavy drinking alcoholic, decided in my 30s to suddenly quit cold turkey after the doctor told her beer would aggravate her gout. This, after 30 years of me begging her to quit, of so many fights, of our relationship being insanely strained, and after she got super drunk at my wedding.

For gout.

I think for every person a time comes when they finally are ready for change. It may look weird and selfish but it’s just the timing

Sure, whatever you say. Did you grow up with an alcoholic parent? FFS, she sucked.

With a hoarder in a hoarded home. My mother “prioritized” her crap over me. I did a lot a therapy and feel much better now.
I am not trying to diminish the experience. I am trying to say it may have had nothing to do with PP and everything to do with her mother who was mentally unwell.

Well that’s exactly what you did was dismiss and diminish the poster’s experience. Maybe offer support or just not reply if your gut reaction is to discount someone else’s trauma. Seriously. OP asked the question and a PP responded with how they felt. And you told them they were wrong. Do better.

You still don’t understand do you?
What helped me is understanding it was not about me. It was about her mental illness.
Maybe it will help PP understand that her mom didn’t change before but changed now not because she didn’t care about her, but because her time has come.
How is it diminishing her experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom reminded me all my life that I was an unplanned pregnancy and that she was hoping for a boy. But she got a girl. She repeated to me often that she was given advice to ignore my cries as an infant so she did that. She says it wasn’t necessary to attend to my needs, it was okay to let me cry.

At some point she lost my birth certificate and I had to order a new one so that I could apply for a passport.

So I guess I’ve had an inkling for a while of where I stood in her life. As an adult, I realize how seriously fked up it was that a mom would say this stuff to a kid.

Losing something means they don’t care? I mean the rest definitely is bad but I have ADHD and lose stuff all the time. And I care about my DC immensely!

It's a metaphor isn't it?

Did you lose your child's birth certificate? How about the one that has their little feet? Did you lose it because it was mixed up with the bills, the newspaper....

NP I've had to replace so much paperwork. I lost everyone's birth certificates in a move (mine included). I lost one of my kids' birth certificates when I had to take it to the school for registration and didn't immediately put it away when I got home. I had to reorder mine to get a passport, but I can't remember if I had replaced it after it was lost in the move and I lost it again or just never replaced it. I've spent about $300 replacing documents. It's a stupid problem, but I'm getting better. It has absolutely no bearing on how much I love my children.

You have adhd. Not all moms have adhd.

A lot of people have undiagnosed ADHD. That doesn’t mean they don’t suffer from the symptoms. Even with the diagnosis, people would often still rather blame than be kind.

PP’s mom sounds like a piece of work though. She sounds like someone who didn’t want a child but didn’t have options, and took it out on PP instead of finding a healthy way to deal with her emotions. It’s sad all around.

My own mother was a teen mom who was pressured into marriage and keeping me. Instead of advocating for sex ed (she promoted abstinence only) and reproductive rights, she felt like she suffered the consequences so everyone else should too. She actually said that to me. I’m a consequence. A punishment for her carnal sin She was able to climb out of the hellscape that teenage motherhood offers, but unfortunately she would rather look down on others rather than boost people up. I was frequently reminded how lucky I was that she didn’t believe in abortion and that she chose to educate herself to give me and my sister a better life. Of course to do that, she had to use family members to babysit us, including family members who welcomed into their home a man who molested her and then chose not to believe her when she told them what he did. But good job her, she got an education and had a baby, regardless of what happened to anyone else, so no sympathy to anyone else who gets pregnant unintentionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom reminded me all my life that I was an unplanned pregnancy and that she was hoping for a boy. But she got a girl. She repeated to me often that she was given advice to ignore my cries as an infant so she did that. She says it wasn’t necessary to attend to my needs, it was okay to let me cry.

At some point she lost my birth certificate and I had to order a new one so that I could apply for a passport.

So I guess I’ve had an inkling for a while of where I stood in her life. As an adult, I realize how seriously fked up it was that a mom would say this stuff to a kid.

Losing something means they don’t care? I mean the rest definitely is bad but I have ADHD and lose stuff all the time. And I care about my DC immensely!

It's a metaphor isn't it?

Did you lose your child's birth certificate? How about the one that has their little feet? Did you lose it because it was mixed up with the bills, the newspaper....

NP I've had to replace so much paperwork. I lost everyone's birth certificates in a move (mine included). I lost one of my kids' birth certificates when I had to take it to the school for registration and didn't immediately put it away when I got home. I had to reorder mine to get a passport, but I can't remember if I had replaced it after it was lost in the move and I lost it again or just never replaced it. I've spent about $300 replacing documents. It's a stupid problem, but I'm getting better. It has absolutely no bearing on how much I love my children.

You have adhd. Not all moms have adhd.

A lot of people have undiagnosed ADHD. That doesn’t mean they don’t suffer from the symptoms. Even with the diagnosis, people would often still rather blame than be kind.

PP’s mom sounds like a piece of work though. She sounds like someone who didn’t want a child but didn’t have options, and took it out on PP instead of finding a healthy way to deal with her emotions. It’s sad all around.

My own mother was a teen mom who was pressured into marriage and keeping me. Instead of advocating for sex ed (she promoted abstinence only) and reproductive rights, she felt like she suffered the consequences so everyone else should too. She actually said that to me. I’m a consequence. A punishment for her carnal sin She was able to climb out of the hellscape that teenage motherhood offers, but unfortunately she would rather look down on others rather than boost people up. I was frequently reminded how lucky I was that she didn’t believe in abortion and that she chose to educate herself to give me and my sister a better life. Of course to do that, she had to use family members to babysit us, including family members who welcomed into their home a man who molested her and then chose not to believe her when she told them what he did. But good job her, she got an education and had a baby, regardless of what happened to anyone else, so no sympathy to anyone else who gets pregnant unintentionally.

Sorry, obviously my adhd meds have worn off and I went on a rant off topic to our side thread but relevant to the main thread. I learned really young that my mom cared for show but not for real. She definitely didn’t care more for me than for herself.

She had this story she liked to tell. The point was that a) she didn’t murder me and b) it’s totally understandable why moms shake their babies. I was colicky, maybe a few weeks-months old. Still a young infant if not newborn. She was sleep deprived and I would not stop crying. She was holding me and I sort of paused and dozed, so she dozed, and something set me off again waking her. She said it took everything she had to not shake me or worse (she said the thing she impulsively wanted to do to me). I was supposed to feel grateful that she hadn’t done those things. Once she told me that and I cried, and asked if she really wanted to kill me. She said she had that impulse in the moment, but that she didn’t actually want to kill me and she would have definitely regretted it if she had. This conversation was when I was in middle school and I’d been hearing this story for years at that point.

Some people shouldn’t be parents.