When did you realize that your parents didn't care about you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

I mean yeah but the mom could have said nicely, honey, next time try to pick more quickly so that we don’t take up too much of the old lady’s time. Be thinking about what you want while we are shopping

Kids are so vulnerable and it’s so easy to hurt them. We all make that mistake. The difference is that good loving parents make up for it, learn from mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

We don't even know if PP took longer than other kids to decide; it sounds like the mom's issue, not PP's. If it really was the case, then the mom should have prepared her child beforehand or said something in the moment.

Not sure about OPs mom but I wasn’t ready for all the ways my child would be annoying/rude and sometimes I didn’t want to cause a scene by saying it in the moment, and sometimes my kid just didn’t listen.
I am just sad that such things are interpreted like a parent doesn’t care. I do care! I mean, I can’t make my child love me but I would be sad for him if he thought his mother didn’t care about him because I think it is damaging thoughts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

Wow! You expect a child to intuit that he should make a quick pick whilst looking at a variety of treats and he can choose only one? I am your opposite type of mother and bakery customer and I would ask the clerk if we can take our time to pick and call her when we're ready. I'd help my child select something he'd enjoy. I want my kids to feel happiness, not shame. Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear.

No it’s fine, I am ok with hearing sincere opinions. I am just sad it all has such an impact. I am trying to do better but I also hope my child gets help in processing what happened to him if he is hurt by the cookie situation like OP. Not for my sake but for his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

We don't even know if PP took longer than other kids to decide; it sounds like the mom's issue, not PP's. If it really was the case, then the mom should have prepared her child beforehand or said something in the moment.

Not sure about OPs mom but I wasn’t ready for all the ways my child would be annoying/rude and sometimes I didn’t want to cause a scene by saying it in the moment, and sometimes my kid just didn’t listen.
I am just sad that such things are interpreted like a parent doesn’t care. I do care! I mean, I can’t make my child love me but I would be sad for him if he thought his mother didn’t care about him because I think it is damaging thoughts

My mom used to say she cared because she felt guilty. She is Irish catholic, had a bus load of kids and spent a lifetime destroying them. All along claiming she cared. I call BS.

[Anonymous]

When my mother, who was a heavy drinking alcoholic, decided in my 30s to suddenly quit cold turkey after the doctor told her beer would aggravate her gout. This, after 30 years of me begging her to quit, of so many fights, of our relationship being insanely strained, and after she got super drunk at my wedding.

For gout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

We don't even know if PP took longer than other kids to decide; it sounds like the mom's issue, not PP's. If it really was the case, then the mom should have prepared her child beforehand or said something in the moment.

Not sure about OPs mom but I wasn’t ready for all the ways my child would be annoying/rude and sometimes I didn’t want to cause a scene by saying it in the moment, and sometimes my kid just didn’t listen.
I am just sad that such things are interpreted like a parent doesn’t care. I do care! I mean, I can’t make my child love me but I would be sad for him if he thought his mother didn’t care about him because I think it is damaging thoughts

My mom used to say she cared because she felt guilty. She is Irish catholic, had a bus load of kids and spent a lifetime destroying them. All along claiming she cared. I call BS.

I am sorry about your situation.
I say this on an anonymous forum so no reason to lie. I also do a lot for my child. I am sorry if that’s not enough for him but I do what I can. Maybe your mom did, too. I hope all kids who feel slighted find peace. Just like I found it after growing up with a mentally ill mother and a codependent father. It’s possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my mother, who was a heavy drinking alcoholic, decided in my 30s to suddenly quit cold turkey after the doctor told her beer would aggravate her gout. This, after 30 years of me begging her to quit, of so many fights, of our relationship being insanely strained, and after she got super drunk at my wedding.

For gout.

I think for every person a time comes when they finally are ready for change. It may look weird and selfish but it’s just the timing

[Anonymous]

It wasn't until I had kids that I realized that my mother cares about me more like a friend or a colleague but doesn't really love me. I don't know if she can really love anyone very deeply - she is just incredibly self-centered and gets frustrated with the people close to her when they can no longer meet her needs. When it gets to me, I have started reminding myself that I am both a better mother than she is and also a better daughter to her than she was to her own parents.

[Anonymous]

I knew early and never kidded myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wasn't until I had kids that I realized that my mother cares about me more like a friend or a colleague but doesn't really love me. I don't know if she can really love anyone very deeply - she is just incredibly self-centered and gets frustrated with the people close to her when they can no longer meet her needs. When it gets to me, I have started reminding myself that I am both a better mother than she is and also a better daughter to her than she was to her own parents.

YES, I am much like you. Except my mom, I cut her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew early and never kidded myself.

I feel like that takes strength that some others don't have. Like having a very strong dad or grandfather, grandmother. Some other interested family member. I had an effed up mom, absent dad, and family members who could have been available but my mom made sure they were not. No grandparents. My idea of family is having a functional mom. So now I am that, without much support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

Wow! You expect a child to intuit that he should make a quick pick whilst looking at a variety of treats and he can choose only one? I am your opposite type of mother and bakery customer and I would ask the clerk if we can take our time to pick and call her when we're ready. I'd help my child select something he'd enjoy. I want my kids to feel happiness, not shame. Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear.

No it’s fine, I am ok with hearing sincere opinions. I am just sad it all has such an impact. I am trying to do better but I also hope my child gets help in processing what happened to him if he is hurt by the cookie situation like OP. Not for my sake but for his.

PP said that was the first bad thing she remembers, but not the worst. My own mother yelled at me unreasonably sometimes when I was a child, but overall she was an excellent mother. I have a feeling PP’s mother did many, many things wrong.

[Anonymous]

When my dad disappeared (I was 12) and I never heard from him again. Recently found him on social media (30 years later), he is alive and well.

I think my mom loves me, but not exactly as a mother. She mainly acts like she is a child and I am a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

Wow! You expect a child to intuit that he should make a quick pick whilst looking at a variety of treats and he can choose only one? I am your opposite type of mother and bakery customer and I would ask the clerk if we can take our time to pick and call her when we're ready. I'd help my child select something he'd enjoy. I want my kids to feel happiness, not shame. Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear.

You sound like the opposite extreme who is raising entitled and annoying children. This was a near-daily treat and it is very inconsiderate to send the bakery lady away for like 5 minutes and then interrupt whatever she started doing because Your Highness has finally made her choice. If it was an infrequent treat then sure, but not daily.

PP’s mother could have handled it a million times better by not yelling at her child and instead gently and constructively correcting her and coming up with a more efficient way to do things (“You pick what you want on Wednesdays and every other day, let her surprise you with whatever’s nearest”). But the overall message that we should be considerate of others, including retail workers, is 100% correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew early and never kidded myself.

I feel like that takes strength that some others don't have. Like having a very strong dad or grandfather, grandmother. Some other interested family member. I had an effed up mom, absent dad, and family members who could have been available but my mom made sure they were not. No grandparents. My idea of family is having a functional mom. So now I am that, without much support.

pp here- I think you're right. I had one set of amazing grandparents who stepped in a filled the void. I eventually asked them to engage a lawyer so that I could live with them as a teenager. I just knew that parents were messed up and I never normalized it. I don't know if it was having my grandparents around or if I just have that kind of personality. My teen DS doesn't have a single ingratiating, enabling bone in his body, and I think he might have some of my qualities.