When did you realize that your parents didn't care about you?

[Anonymous]

Sadly since I was little. The physical and emotional abuse was a pretty good indicator.

I guess the first time I really knew was an incident when I was about eight when my father woke me in the middle of the night to rage at me and tell me how terrible I was.

[Anonymous]

When my alcoholic father slapped me across the face when I was 14.

When my mother knowingly allowed and arranged for my father to shuttle me to various school and church events for my entire childhood while he was shit-faced drunk. Not buzzed, not tipsy, but sweating, red-faced, angry after drinking all day and will pass out as soon as we get home drunk.

[Anonymous]

My situation is much more mild than previous posters, but I fully came to the realization that my dad’s ability to love and care about anyone is very stunted in my early 20s. He likes that he can brag about my successes and those of my siblings. But he has never known much about us. He did come to a few “big”events like dance recitals. But he never bothered to watch me be a cheerleader as an example. He never knew our birthdays. He knows very little about our lives now. He can go weeks/months without making contact. He makes contact when he needs something or has a health scare. There are more and more health scares as he ages. He just doesn’t know what love is. He is an insecure, narcissistic person. He cannot really be happy for anyone’s success because he feels threatened by it. He is a drama king that needs everything to be about him.

My sister called him out on all this and his “lack of curiosity” about our lives. It changed nothing.

He is going to be sorely disappointed at his kid’s lack of involvement as he ages. It isn’t that we won’t do anything at all — we will. But none of us are close to him. We aren’t going to give him all the attention and sympathy he so desperately craves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My situation is much more mild than previous posters, but I fully came to the realization that my dad’s ability to love and care about anyone is very stunted in my early 20s. He likes that he can brag about my successes and those of my siblings. But he has never known much about us. He did come to a few “big”events like dance recitals. But he never bothered to watch me be a cheerleader as an example. He never knew our birthdays. He knows very little about our lives now. He can go weeks/months without making contact. He makes contact when he needs something or has a health scare. There are more and more health scares as he ages. He just doesn’t know what love is. He is an insecure, narcissistic person. He cannot really be happy for anyone’s success because he feels threatened by it. He is a drama king that needs everything to be about him.

My sister called him out on all this and his “lack of curiosity” about our lives. It changed nothing.

He is going to be sorely disappointed at his kid’s lack of involvement as he ages. It isn’t that we won’t do anything at all — we will. But none of us are close to him. We aren’t going to give him all the attention and sympathy he so desperately craves.

This is true about both my parents. They like the bragging and the Facebook posts and big events but don't care about us as people.
It's all for show
Sadly I wasted all my 20s and 40s thinking I could get two narcissists to care

[Anonymous]

Same as the two previous PPs
I tried so hard and thought if only I was better, smarter nicer whatever they would want to have relationship with me but nope. Took me till my 40s to realize this
Now I know that I am not the issue and it takes 2 to make a relationship work. I feel free!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My situation is much more mild than previous posters, but I fully came to the realization that my dad’s ability to love and care about anyone is very stunted in my early 20s. He likes that he can brag about my successes and those of my siblings. But he has never known much about us. He did come to a few “big”events like dance recitals. But he never bothered to watch me be a cheerleader as an example. He never knew our birthdays. He knows very little about our lives now. He can go weeks/months without making contact. He makes contact when he needs something or has a health scare. There are more and more health scares as he ages. He just doesn’t know what love is. He is an insecure, narcissistic person. He cannot really be happy for anyone’s success because he feels threatened by it. He is a drama king that needs everything to be about him.

My sister called him out on all this and his “lack of curiosity” about our lives. It changed nothing.

He is going to be sorely disappointed at his kid’s lack of involvement as he ages. It isn’t that we won’t do anything at all — we will. But none of us are close to him. We aren’t going to give him all the attention and sympathy he so desperately craves.

This is true about both my parents. They like the bragging and the Facebook posts and big events but don't care about us as people.
It's all for show
Sadly I wasted all my 20s and 40s thinking I could get two narcissists to care

I’m sorry. I will say I’m really glad I realized this at age 21. It made things so much easier. I never expected anything from them as grandparents, etc. One of my sisters didn’t process this until around 40, and I think it made things so much harder for her. She spent so much unnecessary energy on them.

[Anonymous]

Seeing my father twice in the decade of the 80s should have been a hint for me. I was between 10-20 years old during that period.

He divorced my mom and ran off with the neighbor lady when I was about 2 or 3. I saw him every other weekend when I was little. Then he and the neighbor-lady f**ked off to Colorado, and he stopped paying child support. Once I became an adult, I guess it was more affordable to try to talk to me again.

[Anonymous]

There were so many hints.

1.) Had a older sibling who was endless cruel and physically hurtful until I fought back. I got in trouble for fighting back and she laughed off anything sibling did, even physical as typical rivalry.

2.) She spoke endlessly to me about how amazing sibling was, but didn't have a kind for me.

3.) She visited me out of obligation when I was in the hospital. I didn't ask. She complained so much about how it interfered with her schedule that I asked her to stop visiting. She was not working. It interfered with her manicure, massage, etc.

4.) She made it clear she would not be babysitting or be there for emergencies and she would not help. I helped her as she aged trying to win approval. When she got difficult enough and I set boundaries she unleashed a tirade on me on what a terrible person I was.

5.) She didn't care when her own grand-daughter had a life threatening illness.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I came to the same conclusion a while back that we both were throw away kids in families that had a lot of children. I'm one of 6, he's one of 7. It's ironic we are both the second kid in the family. My mother played favorites. Husband's father favored his step children more than his own. I think we are bonded tight because we only have each other. We both were starved for love.
We don't dwell on it.
I used to think if I didn't look like my siblings I'd swear I was adopted.

[Anonymous]

When I’d come home from college after weeks or months away and she wouldn’t even get up from playing Tetris to greet me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Elementary. I could always tell they lacked the emotional depth/maturity to be parents. Especially noticing how my mother would “act” motherly around other kids but when it was just us I was totally emotionally abandoned.

Healing is possible but it’s hard. You have to grieve that you never got the parents you needed and deserved. Being a good parent now is my greatest healing tool.

This is exactly what I had to do. A good therapist helped me after a horrible life with dysfunctional abusive parents. When my father died, I only felt relief, no regrets because I had already grieved.

[Anonymous]

My father was a raging, violent, alcoholic narcissist and I knew from a very young age that he only cared about me in as much it was a positive reflection on him. I know my mother loves me but not as much as she loves the man in her life. While, in the moment, she did try to protect my siblings and I from my father, our home life was so f@cked up that the only real way to give us any kind f protection was to remove us from it. Even if our father shared custody with her - like he did with my older sister and his first wife - at least we would have had one place we could let our guard down. I'm in my mid-50s and still struggle sometimes with PTSD, especially at night.

My father died when I was 20 (wish it had been sooner) and my mother remarried when I was 26. Her 2nd DH was a good guy but my mother devoted herself to him in the same way she devoted herself to my father. I'm sure he had no clue how often she cancelled plans with us to pander to him and his kids (youngest was my age) and grandkids. It was cemented for me when my brother was coming home after being deployed for 2 years in a war zone. My mother was in Florida with her DH and wasn't planning to come back to our home because her DH's sons were coming for an annual trip. I knew she cared more about her image with her DH's family than with us but that was pretty low. My DH didn't really/believe she held us in such low disregard until after we'd been married 4-5 years. I didn't blame him. Unless you've lived it, it's hard to believe. Yet, after one particular incident he witnessed, he was dumbfounded. It now all made sense to him.

I'm happy to say that I've broken the cycle with my kids. Although I still suffer from the occasional episodes of PTSD, I'm in a good place with a good nuclear family. Unfortunately, 3 out of 4 of my siblings aren't so lucky.

[Anonymous]

Never. My parents weren’t perfect and parenting is hard. I love them no matter what and they love me no matter what (barring abuse).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never. My parents weren’t perfect and parenting is hard. I love them no matter what and they love me no matter what (barring abuse).

I'm happy for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never. My parents weren’t perfect and parenting is hard. I love them no matter what and they love me no matter what (barring abuse).

So maybe this thread isn't for you. Bye.