When did you realize that your parents didn't care about you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was an adult. The signs were there all along, but it was so normal, I didn’t realize it was abuse and neglect. It was just mom and dad being mom and dad. I remember incidents from childhood that I recognize now as uncaring, but they always had an excuse, a way to blame me, and/or minimized my feelings if I were brave enough to express them.

My dog had puppies and they all died (including my dog-the mom) within days of the birth. I’ve never asked what happened as an adult because I’m afraid to know, but at best it was a neglect issue where they should’ve at least called the vet (at worst, they didn’t want to deal with finding puppies homes and there are a lot of bad people in my family). They mocked me so much for crying that my dog and all the puppies died and told me I shouldn’t be sad because I wouldn’t have been able to keep the puppies anyway. I was probably 4 when this happened. It was definitely before I started kindergarten.

It wasn’t that traumatic every day during my childhood, but there were enough things on that level that there was always anxiety. I didn’t share my feelings often because if they’ll make fun of a little girl for crying over animals dying, they’ll definitely make fun of a kid for not liking soup or having a sore throat.

I also remember my mom apologizing to other people for my existence all the time as though I embarrassed her. Not for misbehaving, but if I mispronounced a word or if my clothes got dirty at school and we didn’t have time to change before going somewhere. Of course I’d be berated for it when we were alone.

That’s just the emotional abuse. It was tougher than the physical stuff, but I think they legitimately thought (at least at the moment) that they were being good parents by disciplining us. That was mostly forgivable, because it was misguided and they did improve over time. But the emotional stuff got worse as we got older and became independent and they wanted to keep control. That stuff isn’t always forgivable.

I’m so sorry. I have a pit in my stomach after reading this. Sending love your way and I hope you have all of the happiness you’ve always deserved.

[Anonymous]

Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

[Anonymous]

Love is different from care and nurture. Maybe you can have the former, but due to circumstances that lead to absence of the latter, it's a misplaced love that ends up not benefiting the child.

But if you can't identify any signs of nurture beyond food and shelter, is love really there?

I have often wondered about this - where is the line? It's clear my grandparents had way more kids than they should have had. My mother was the 7th and last, had a neglected and abused childhood, and her mother told her she was not wanted, and they did the legal minimum in terms of education. They might not have loved her.

However, my husband was raised by war-scarred and emotionally-unavailable parents - he is also emotionally unavailable to his children, particularly his son, as if he believes fathers and sons need to have a authoritarian relationship without hugs or verbal expressions of affection. Yet my husband has tutored our son for hundreds of hours in math, he's willingly spent tens of thousands in schools, activities and therapies for him, and he is ready to pay for any college of his choosing next year. I think that's imbalanced parenting, not necessarily unloving parenting.

Parents are victims of their upbringing and their own, possibly antiquated or limited knowledge and social beliefs. If they hurt their children while thinking they are raising them to be strong and resilient, do they still love them? Is the effort they make the sign they care? Or is total neglect the definition of unloving?

[Anonymous]

Just kind of always knew it. I was bullied a lot and one girl in particular gave me a very hurtful nickname in first grade. I went home after school and cried. Mother then started calling me the nickname all the time. The good news is I haven't seen her in 49 years and don't even care to know where she lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will add, he could only act for about and hour or two, then would disappear from the social event or just sit and watch or listen. He loved to say hey as to go work, then leave or be alone.

I think he did what he could. All his stamina was spent on critical events outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

[Anonymous]

It’s complicated. My mother was a hoarder and when I was 19 I had to leave the roommate situation pretty abruptly and come home. She told me I couldn’t come for 3 more nights as she needed more time to free up my bed. My dad didn’t interfere as he was totally twisted around her finger.
I now think that it’s not that she didn’t care; she made sure I was as educated as she could afford and learned a foreign language early on, she made sure I did sports etc.
She was mentally ill and my dad was exhausted living with a mentally ill partner. Nevertheless I am relieved she is dead now. I have a very cordial relationship with my dad who can now finally live his life fully.
So yeah I can’t say they didn’t really care. But it did seem like that back in the day.
I sincerely hope everyone on this thread finds peace and realizes it’s not their fault and maybe their parents weren’t the villains but were mentally unwell and just couldn’t do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

We don't even know if PP took longer than other kids to decide; it sounds like the mom's issue, not PP's. If it really was the case, then the mom should have prepared her child beforehand or said something in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Love is different from care and nurture. Maybe you can have the former, but due to circumstances that lead to absence of the latter, it's a misplaced love that ends up not benefiting the child.

But if you can't identify any signs of nurture beyond food and shelter, is love really there?

I have often wondered about this - where is the line? It's clear my grandparents had way more kids than they should have had. My mother was the 7th and last, had a neglected and abused childhood, and her mother told her she was not wanted, and they did the legal minimum in terms of education. They might not have loved her.

However, my husband was raised by war-scarred and emotionally-unavailable parents - he is also emotionally unavailable to his children, particularly his son, as if he believes fathers and sons need to have a authoritarian relationship without hugs or verbal expressions of affection. Yet my husband has tutored our son for hundreds of hours in math, he's willingly spent tens of thousands in schools, activities and therapies for him, and he is ready to pay for any college of his choosing next year. I think that's imbalanced parenting, not necessarily unloving parenting.

Parents are victims of their upbringing and their own, possibly antiquated or limited knowledge and social beliefs. If they hurt their children while thinking they are raising them to be strong and resilient, do they still love them? Is the effort they make the sign they care? Or is total neglect the definition of unloving?

I don't know, but when my mom didn't help me after I was beat up by my sister's boyfriend and told me not to tell her stories, I wanted to kill myself. I remember trying to figure out how to do it and then deciding not to do it because I had to protect my younger siblings. I grew up believing she didn't love me. She fed me, dropped me off at school, gave me gifts on Christmas and my birthdays, but she also never hugged me as a child, said she loved me when I was a child and she blamed me for all the problems in our family. Whatever parenting method that was really sucked from my point of view. I still don't know if she loved me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

NP here. Honestly, PP?? That’s what you wasted your time to comment on this devastating thread? Little kids are little kids and do little kid things, like change their minds about a fabulous FREE cookie. After all, you only get one choice so there’s a lot on the line!

I think you and PP’s mom suffer from such anxiety that you probably take it out on those who can’t fight you back. Like your children or a vulnerable PP just trying to tell their story. That bakery woman was getting paid whether or not that little child changed their minds 39 times about that free cookie.

PP with the anxious mom- I’m sorry. I too remember the fun of getting that cookie. Treats were few and far between so it meant something. I’m sorry your mom was so anxious and immature that she berated you for being a child. I hope you are doing ok now, have a life full of love, and all the cookies you want- no matter how long it takes you to decide which one you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

Wow! You expect a child to intuit that he should make a quick pick whilst looking at a variety of treats and he can choose only one? I am your opposite type of mother and bakery customer and I would ask the clerk if we can take our time to pick and call her when we're ready. I'd help my child select something he'd enjoy. I want my kids to feel happiness, not shame. Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

I'm adopted. My adoptive parents were negligent and, when they paid attention, often abusive - emotionally and physically. As an adult, I now recognize that one of my aparents never fully accepted me as their real child. I was more like a ward. When that aparent died, we were estranged due to their addiction problems. My other aparent just didn't want to be a parent, to anyone. They just didn't like kids. We had a better relationship after I became an adult.

But, it's funny, because even with all that history of abuse and negligence and rejection and addiction, I know they cared for me. As much as they could. They just weren't all that capable and never should have been allowed to adopt a cat, let alone a kid.

It makes me sad to see all these other comments.

[Anonymous]

My parents care about me to the extent they are capable. My parents provided for me. They just don't have the capacity to share feelings or emotions. They were largely absent when I

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for everyone who sharing their experience. I hope you all find the love and security you need. I’m a new mom and seeing how much effort it takes to care for a baby, it almost seems like a miracle that babies in unloving homes grow up to be adults. I don’t mean this to be snarky. Somehow even when you felt like your parents didn’t care for you, someone made sure you were fed 4-8 times a day that first year! Truly a miracle.