Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?

[Anonymous]

Most of my friends who got married right out of college are still married, probably more than 90%. Its a small data set but even in general, less college sweethearts divorce than people without college degrees or mature people with second/third marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP - Rather than trying to limit DD’s options on a partner, have you and DH in there is one spent enough time to get to know her boy friend to have an understanding of his goals in education as related to a career and the opportunities for employment. Your financial concerns on his present and future debt are not unreasonable, but your approach is very unreasonable, too. Your daughter must have a brain if she is making six figures so young, unless just with the family business. Reasoned conversations with her, too, about possibly a pre-nup might be helpful and also how finances might be handled on carrying the debt in the future. I would also caution that some grad students even in technical fields end up working with a professor who is not effective in guiding graduate students and just lets them linger “for years” in a program. But these are aspects that DD and her future husband should research — how many graf students does thr professor have at a time and what is the average time to complete the classes and thesis. I was married three of the four years of my husband’s PhD in Engineering program, but heard the stories of those left lingering. —- which foreign grad students might just be quite fine with, It would also be reasonable to see if your daughter might be able to protect some of her funds she brings into the marriage vía an investment such as a home in her name only etc. or investment property in her name only, since I think joint assets acquired while married start at that point.

On the side of what can happen, my sister was a dental hygienist making more than some young dentists years ago who met a guy and maride him despite my parents clear warnings about him. Well she put him through med school and the internship living ig a very nice lifestyle with one child. In the end he ended up walking away, as he started his practice. Later it was also at her having urged him to get a super disability policy that he was able to maintain his income level when he could due to an accident no longer do surgery. So parents may have insights, but you have to consider how to share in an adult way and realize your advice may not be taken.

[Anonymous]

What is your objection to the young man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your objection to the young man?

We've seen few women ditching their spouses who loved and supported them for years through their educational and professional journeys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of my friends who got married right out of college are still married, probably more than 90%. Its a small data set but even in general, less college sweethearts divorce than people without college degrees or mature people with second/third marriage.

I mean, the fact that you have a bunch of friends who got married right out of college says maybe they don't have much life experience in terms of dating and don't realize it could be better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of my friends who got married right out of college are still married, probably more than 90%. Its a small data set but even in general, less college sweethearts divorce than people without college degrees or mature people with second/third marriage.

I mean, the fact that you have a bunch of friends who got married right out of college says maybe they don't have much life experience in terms of dating and don't realize it could be better.

True. It could be better or worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of my friends who got married right out of college are still married, probably more than 90%. Its a small data set but even in general, less college sweethearts divorce than people without college degrees or mature people with second/third marriage.

I mean, the fact that you have a bunch of friends who got married right out of college says maybe they don't have much life experience in terms of dating and don't realize it could be better.

Read about the paradox of choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD can get engaged. She can get married even. Ask them to sign a pre-nup valid till they are childless, which allows them to have an easy divorce and no spousal support incase the marriage does not work out. They each walk away with their own money.

Tell your kid to not have a kid till she is 32. By that time, both the parties will have a firm idea how well suited they are and whether they should have kids together. It is really as simple as that. 23 is a great age. Get engaged. Get married. Have prenup for childless years. Don't have kids for the next 9-10 years.

Once they have kids - there should be no prenup. Money is joint. Marriage is forever. They should have enough financial cushion for SAH parent, job loss, underemployment etc.

Congratulations. This is not a bad thing.

Bad advice…have kids sooner! Late 20s is perfect.

Absolutely not. Bad advice for all women, unless it is the religious nutjob submissive women.. Women get stuck in bad marriages because they have kids with terrible men. The reproductive cost is very high for women. Have children with a man who deserves to be the father of your children. Marry early, spend time with the man for a few years to have a good read on him. Women should own their reproductive decisions. Get pregnant and have kids after you have saved money, understood what the man stands for, and understand that you have a real life partner in your husband. Women owe their children to give them a good father and family life. Mid-30s is perfect time to have the first kid, and then the 2nd kid in a couple years. Stop after two kids, FFS!!

Don't marry a dud husband because you want a kid. If need be, freeze your eggs and go the surrogate route.

I completely disagree with this. Do you honestly think most people can afford to freeze their eggs and go the surrogacy route? And waiting to have your first kid until mid 30s? Sure, if you want to be an old grandma and not around for grandchildren. Late 20s is perfect to me so you can get in 2-3 kids before 35.

[Anonymous]

Well, scientifically its better to have children before 35.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the responders have keyed in on the "let" and the age.

But what I find equally as troublesome is OP's focus on current earning and to a lesser extent future earning potential. What matters in a marriage is whether the other person is a decent human being and they are compatible. The focus on finances is wrongheaded.

And it is a particularly dumb thing to focus on when the margin we are talking about here is stupid. OP's "six figure" child could be making 110K at 23 and clearly has no secondary degree. The potential spouse is going to have a PHD that most likely comes with a ton of earning potential, notwithstanding some loans.

Lol at PhD and earning potential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the responders have keyed in on the "let" and the age.

But what I find equally as troublesome is OP's focus on current earning and to a lesser extent future earning potential. What matters in a marriage is whether the other person is a decent human being and they are compatible. The focus on finances is wrongheaded.

And it is a particularly dumb thing to focus on when the margin we are talking about here is stupid. OP's "six figure" child could be making 110K at 23 and clearly has no secondary degree. The potential spouse is going to have a PHD that most likely comes with a ton of earning potential, notwithstanding some loans.

Lol at PhD and earning potential.

+100

[Anonymous]

I’ve been with DH since college / 25 yrs. Married when he was a few years into a (paid) PhD - but paid very little. He out-earns me now (about 110k vs 220k) but I spent the decade he was earning his PhD and doing post-docs contributing to retirement and investing what I could - and I had inherited money when my grandparents died - so I have greater wealth. It would have been easier in someways to marry someone who took a different path, but brainy / academic is attractive to me and I was grateful my wealth allowed me to just focus on how good a friend / companion he was rather than marry someone likely to be able to support me. I think maybe the bigger challenge financially is how we view our financial position (I feel insecure about sufficient savings, he feels we are doing fine.)

[Anonymous]

I think more than future income level, his debt and 5 year of no income schooling are bigger problems but ultimately its their decision. Love and compatibility are valuable too.