Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?

[Anonymous]

Most of the responders have keyed in on the "let" and the age.

But what I find equally as troublesome is OP's focus on current earning and to a lesser extent future earning potential. What matters in a marriage is whether the other person is a decent human being and they are compatible. The focus on finances is wrongheaded.

And it is a particularly dumb thing to focus on when the margin we are talking about here is stupid. OP's "six figure" child could be making 110K at 23 and clearly has no secondary degree. The potential spouse is going to have a PHD that most likely comes with a ton of earning potential, notwithstanding some loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the responders have keyed in on the "let" and the age.

But what I find equally as troublesome is OP's focus on current earning and to a lesser extent future earning potential. What matters in a marriage is whether the other person is a decent human being and they are compatible. The focus on finances is wrongheaded.

And it is a particularly dumb thing to focus on when the margin we are talking about here is stupid. OP's "six figure" child could be making 110K at 23 and clearly has no secondary degree. The potential spouse is going to have a PHD that most likely comes with a ton of earning potential, notwithstanding some loans.

OP is worried that the gold-digging gene skips a generation

[Anonymous]

OP has disappeared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the responders have keyed in on the "let" and the age.

But what I find equally as troublesome is OP's focus on current earning and to a lesser extent future earning potential. What matters in a marriage is whether the other person is a decent human being and they are compatible. The focus on finances is wrongheaded.

And it is a particularly dumb thing to focus on when the margin we are talking about here is stupid. OP's "six figure" child could be making 110K at 23 and clearly has no secondary degree. The potential spouse is going to have a PHD that most likely comes with a ton of earning potential, notwithstanding some loans.

OP- Well, decency is the main goal but tons of loans and no income for several years are intimidating. Kid's job offers free masters after three year of work experience so its going to be free and income would see an immediate hike of 50%. Yearly raise now is 10-18%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me personally the only relevant matter here is what I think about this young man and how that leaves me feeling about their connection and potential future together. ( Most 23 year olds don’t have 6 figure jobs so your dd sounds great but in that regard she’s an outlier and most same-age people she could date at this point would not have this kind of financial stability.) But I suspect your question has a cultural component to it as well. Is your family from a collectivist culture where adult children are expected To accommodate their parents wishes well into adulthood? That is really not a mainstream cultural practice in the US although I realize for many families that would still be the expectation.

No. That's why let is "let". Parents can only offer their perspective and even that doesn't seem wise as it can create long lasting resentments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the responders have keyed in on the "let" and the age.

But what I find equally as troublesome is OP's focus on current earning and to a lesser extent future earning potential. What matters in a marriage is whether the other person is a decent human being and they are compatible. The focus on finances is wrongheaded.

And it is a particularly dumb thing to focus on when the margin we are talking about here is stupid. OP's "six figure" child could be making 110K at 23 and clearly has no secondary degree. The potential spouse is going to have a PHD that most likely comes with a ton of earning potential, notwithstanding some loans.

OP- Well, decency is the main goal but tons of loans and no income for several years are intimidating. Kid's job offers free masters after three year of work experience so its going to be free and income would see an immediate hike of 50%. Yearly raise now is 10-18%.

Intimidating how? Do you think your kid will end up destitute? Seems your own kid makes a lot of money, so what is the problem?

[Anonymous]

Hell to tha' no!!

[Anonymous]

Ha. I got engaged at 23 to a guy who was a sophomore in college.

are you worried he is after her money? Doing an unpaid PhD program is imo a bad financial move but that’s not your problem.

[Anonymous]

That's great for them. Even if this is a first marriage they will learn a lot.

What you should do is hire them a lawyer to draft a prenup. That said, grad school debt accumulated in marriage is joint debt. You might be able to argue if there were no financial benefits of that debt when the marriage dissolves that it isn't joint debt. But, again, get a lawyer to help.

Fwiw - my Dad paid for his first wife's med school and she divorced him as soon as she graduated and got an inheritance from her Dad. Sometimes life isn't fair and sh*tty people are out there. Weirdest part? Even after remarriage she kept my Dad's name. Super super weird.

[Anonymous]

Your DD can get engaged. She can get married even. Ask them to sign a pre-nup valid till they are childless, which allows them to have an easy divorce and no spousal support incase the marriage does not work out. They each walk away with their own money.

Tell your kid to not have a kid till she is 32. By that time, both the parties will have a firm idea how well suited they are and whether they should have kids together. It is really as simple as that. 23 is a great age. Get engaged. Get married. Have prenup for childless years. Don't have kids for the next 9-10 years.

Once they have kids - there should be no prenup. Money is joint. Marriage is forever. They should have enough financial cushion for SAH parent, job loss, underemployment etc.

Congratulations. This is not a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's great for them. Even if this is a first marriage they will learn a lot.

What you should do is hire them a lawyer to draft a prenup. That said, grad school debt accumulated in marriage is joint debt. You might be able to argue if there were no financial benefits of that debt when the marriage dissolves that it isn't joint debt. But, again, get a lawyer to help.

Fwiw - my Dad paid for his first wife's med school and she divorced him as soon as she graduated and got an inheritance from her Dad. Sometimes life isn't fair and sh*tty people are out there. Weirdest part? Even after remarriage she kept my Dad's name. Super super weird.

Oooh! Good info. These are details that I want DC to hammer out with their SO. DC is in somewhat similar situation. I want both parties to be protected and go in with their eyes wide open and good faith.

[Anonymous]

Sure. 23 yr old should not move in with the person after engagement. Wait for a couple years (even planning a wedding takes that long), save money by staying with parents, get married with some funds in the bank and then move in together. Have a clear understanding of debt, savings, money making potential. Get a lawyer involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the responders have keyed in on the "let" and the age.

But what I find equally as troublesome is OP's focus on current earning and to a lesser extent future earning potential. What matters in a marriage is whether the other person is a decent human being and they are compatible. The focus on finances is wrongheaded.

And it is a particularly dumb thing to focus on when the margin we are talking about here is stupid. OP's "six figure" child could be making 110K at 23 and clearly has no secondary degree. The potential spouse is going to have a PHD that most likely comes with a ton of earning potential, notwithstanding some loans.

I admit, I’m a bit biased as someone in engineering. But most PhD that have strong earning potential for most of their graduates also offer stipends. Very willing to be told I am wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you sure the Ph.D. student is accumulating debt? Most Ph.Ds have a (very small) stipend, not loans.

Anyway, I got married at 24 and am happily with my spouse 20 years later. Financially it was an excellent decision, we have been building wealth for a long time now. We were also able to have kids in our late 20s, a huge advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me personally the only relevant matter here is what I think about this young man and how that leaves me feeling about their connection and potential future together. ( Most 23 year olds don’t have 6 figure jobs so your dd sounds great but in that regard she’s an outlier and most same-age people she could date at this point would not have this kind of financial stability.) But I suspect your question has a cultural component to it as well. Is your family from a collectivist culture where adult children are expected To accommodate their parents wishes well into adulthood? That is really not a mainstream cultural practice in the US although I realize for many families that would still be the expectation.

No. That's why let is "let". Parents can only offer their perspective and even that doesn't seem wise as it can create long lasting resentments.

Depends. It will certainly be true in the mainstream cultural practice (or White culture). In many other cultures, parents have a say and have deeper connection and trust with their kids. If they tell them to wait for a few years, most kids will listen to them because they trust their parents to have their backs. They also trust their parents to have the backs of their spouses and SOs and know that the parents want them to be successful together. This is not about control because most parents are not NPD bullies. This is about securing the future of young people and future progeny. And all of this is not rocket science. It is a deep understanding of human nature, life experience and common sense that the parents have. Parents have the role of trusted guardians, sage advisors, knowledgeable teachers and selfless well-wishers. At least in the "Not mainstream Culture" that I belong to. Thank God.