Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
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Anonymous
Large loans followed by an unpaid phd is a risky move in most cases, but less risky if you have a loving partner who is supportive of your choice. Do you think your daughter doesn’t understand finances or is incapable of making a good decision for herself? |
Anonymous
| Nope! STatistically you should be over 25. Look at these figures. I would hope for 27. I was 34 and it stuck for decades and is still going strong. https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/ |
Anonymous
She'll be signing up to support him for several years. |
Anonymous
+1 Engaged at 23 and best life decision I've ever made. By far. When you marry young you can plan together and work towards your goals with a partner. This can make a huge difference. |
Anonymous
Good for you but statistically that is rare that it works. My sister ruined her life with an early marriage. |
Anonymous
That's rubbish, different people mature at different times. My kids were way more mature at 20 then i was at 28. |
Anonymous
Our too young PhD candidate raised this recently and we said all Phd and law school (hasn't even done the LSAT) funds stop if she does this. Education first. She can do anything else she wants. |
Anonymous
| The mama/papa pair is rich, hence 23yo with 6-figure job plus trust fund, and mama is worried she'll marry a poor, PhD loser. Mama bear, you need to back off. Your concerns are not unfounded, considering your "investment." The investment is also your daughter. Unless you raised her wrong, she's confident, has her own mind, and will choose her equal. |
Anonymous
| One friend married at 21, 27, 35. Neither marriage worked out. Anecdotal info isn't very useful. |
Anonymous
Most of my friends got engaged between 21-25, married at 24-29, it helped them stay focused and worked hard. |
Anonymous
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Dating, hookups and loneliness can be as much of an issue, for education, career, finances and mental health.
To me, there is no right or wrong time but there is right or wrong person. |
Anonymous
I figure based on these statistics I'll do OK. Married at 23 (oops!) to my college sweetheart, but some other factors might make up for it: "According to this study at least, if you met your spouse in high school, college, or grad school, you are 41 percent less likely to get divorced." "Bonus, we didn't meet at a bar: "The other major difference was couples who met in bars were 24 percent more likely to get divorced than expected." |
Anonymous
| For me personally the only relevant matter here is what I think about this young man and how that leaves me feeling about their connection and potential future together. ( Most 23 year olds don’t have 6 figure jobs so your dd sounds great but in that regard she’s an outlier and most same-age people she could date at this point would not have this kind of financial stability.) But I suspect your question has a cultural component to it as well. Is your family from a collectivist culture where adult children are expected To accommodate their parents wishes well into adulthood? That is really not a mainstream cultural practice in the US although I realize for many families that would still be the expectation. |
Anonymous
Are you from another country? I think you would have gotten more sympathetic responses if you had said, "Would you be happy if..." rather than, "Would you "let"..." It suggests that you don't understand the role of a parent in your stage of life. Perhaps your daughter wants to get married because you are too controlling. Wouldn't that be ironic? (My main concern is her partner's approach to money. He should not take on more debt. He should find a funded doctoral program OR work for a while to save money. Perhaps you could discuss that concern with her? Showing her how crushing debt would impede their lifestyle. BUT, don't come down against the guy or the marriage...because that will likely drive her away.) |
Anonymous
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I got married at 23 and had my first kid in grad school at 25. So, OP, I don't have a high opinion of your meddling. |