Wife wants a house cleaner instead of preschool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am constantly in awe that sahms have in the last 20 years created this narrative that their only duty during 8-6 every day should be attending to their children, and that other than loading the dishwasher and putting on laundry, it is an affront for them to do any other chores about the house.

It's clearly a ridiculous untruth that exists solely in the minds of maybe the top 10% of households (because as people above have noted, obviously MOST women staying home with young kids are cleaning their house and don't have cleaners). But I can't believe that it's become the dominant narrative on sites like this. Do the people echoing this narrative really believe it? Or do you say it because you have to repeat it over and over to justify your set up? Or are you trolls? It's just be fascinating to watch this line of thinking evolve in the last 20 years.

I’m a SAHM and we have a biweekly housecleaner. I still do cleaning and chores all day. She basically saves me from scrubbing the toilets and means every other week I don’t have to seriously vacuum or mop unless there’s a mess (I do high traffic areas every day because we have a dog). I wouldn’t mind dropping her if we needed to but it would have to be a joint decision. It sounds like OP wants to unilaterally reassign his wife to more cleaning and less childcare. She wants to do more childcare and less cleaning. They have to negotiate that.

+1. I worked for 20 years, and now am a SAHM who “doesn’t work” It is WAY more exhausting being the SAHM, who doesn’t get to choose her breaks, have much downtime throughout the day, have kids constantly clinging to you and/or asking/whining for things. Not to mention, I DO clean, it just doesn’t always look like it. Try sweeping the kitchen floor every single day only for it to look a mess at 5 pm again anyway. Or washing the same dishes over and over and over again throughout the day for meals and snacks, only to have your spouse come home after the last time and wonder why dishes are in the sink so obviously you “didn’t do them.” My husband thought like PP and OP until the pandemic when he was suddenly home all the time and saw the constantly religion of cleaning up the same crap over and over like Sisyphus pushing a Boulder up a hill. Until YOU are the one doing it, take a seat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably has a weekly cleaner because you don't help out at home. If this is what's helping your marriage, keep it. It will benefit the kids way more than real preschool. Real preschool is only one more hour.

Or because it's incredibly difficult to clean when looking after small children. That problem will be remedied by the kid being in preschool.

[Anonymous]

Preschool for ages 3 and 4 is essential. So is a house cleaner. I would recommend finding an inexpensive PT preschool, maybe even a coop. It will be $300ish a month. Will provide social opportunities for the child (and the mom).

[Anonymous]

Your child's schooling takes precedence over your "part time" working wife declaring she won't clean. That's ridiculous and lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am constantly in awe that sahms have in the last 20 years created this narrative that their only duty during 8-6 every day should be attending to their children, and that other than loading the dishwasher and putting on laundry, it is an affront for them to do any other chores about the house.

It's clearly a ridiculous untruth that exists solely in the minds of maybe the top 10% of households (because as people above have noted, obviously MOST women staying home with young kids are cleaning their house and don't have cleaners). But I can't believe that it's become the dominant narrative on sites like this. Do the people echoing this narrative really believe it? Or do you say it because you have to repeat it over and over to justify your set up? Or are you trolls? It's just be fascinating to watch this line of thinking evolve in the last 20 years.

1) Parenting expectations have risen dramatically in the past 50 years.
2) This family has a special needs child. That isn't something to dismiss.
3) This woman is NOT a stay at home mom. She also works on the weekends! Which her husband completely dismisses!
4) Budget decisions need to be made jointly. From what he's posted, it looks like he decided that they needed preschool, picked one, and decided that the cost should be covered by firing the housecleaner, WITHOUT deciding he would pick up any housecleaning tasks. How easy to make budget cuts that don't actually affect you. She doesn't want to fire the housecleaner. Find something else to budge on!

[Anonymous]

lol I'd choose cleaner over preschool too. Alas I'm a working mom and don't have the choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am constantly in awe that sahms have in the last 20 years created this narrative that their only duty during 8-6 every day should be attending to their children, and that other than loading the dishwasher and putting on laundry, it is an affront for them to do any other chores about the house. AMEN!!

It's clearly a ridiculous untruth that exists solely in the minds of maybe the top 10% of households (because as people above have noted, obviously MOST women staying home with young kids are cleaning their house and don't have cleaners). But I can't believe that it's become the dominant narrative on sites like this. Do the people echoing this narrative really believe it? Or do you say it because you have to repeat it over and over to justify your set up? Or are you trolls? It's just be fascinating to watch this line of thinking evolve in the last 20 years.

I’m a SAHM and we have a biweekly housecleaner. I still do cleaning and chores all day. She basically saves me from scrubbing the toilets and means every other week I don’t have to seriously vacuum or mop unless there’s a mess (I do high traffic areas every day because we have a dog). I wouldn’t mind dropping her if we needed to but it would have to be a joint decision. It sounds like OP wants to unilaterally reassign his wife to more cleaning and less childcare. She wants to do more childcare and less cleaning. They have to negotiate that.


+1. I worked for 20 years, and now am a SAHM who “doesn’t work” It is WAY more exhausting being the SAHM, who doesn’t get to choose her breaks, have much downtime throughout the day, have kids constantly clinging to you and/or asking/whining for things. Not to mention, I DO clean, it just doesn’t always look like it. Try sweeping the kitchen floor every single day only for it to look a mess at 5 pm again anyway. Or washing the same dishes over and over and over again throughout the day for meals and snacks, only to have your spouse come home after the last time and wonder why dishes are in the sink so obviously you “didn’t do them.” My husband thought like PP and OP until the pandemic when he was suddenly home all the time and saw the constantly religion of cleaning up the same crap over and over like Sisyphus pushing a Boulder up a hill. Until YOU are the one doing it, take a seat.


How are any of your cleaning problems remedied with a cleaner. Doesn't the house get messed up 5 minutes after they are done and then stays that way until they return? Scrubbing a toilet takes what 5 minutes? You do get breaks SAHM because no child is getting/needs 100% undivided attention during the day.

[Anonymous]

If you reversed the genders, I think it would get a more honest take on your situation. Personally, I would expect my husband to clean more than me if he only worked in the weekends (I could maintain house while he’s working including cleaning on those days). Just an odd situation so I doubt OP is blameless if it’s an either or situation (house cleaning vs preschool) - you both need to do what’s best for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am constantly in awe that sahms have in the last 20 years created this narrative that their only duty during 8-6 every day should be attending to their children, and that other than loading the dishwasher and putting on laundry, it is an affront for them to do any other chores about the house.

It's clearly a ridiculous untruth that exists solely in the minds of maybe the top 10% of households (because as people above have noted, obviously MOST women staying home with young kids are cleaning their house and don't have cleaners). But I can't believe that it's become the dominant narrative on sites like this. Do the people echoing this narrative really believe it? Or do you say it because you have to repeat it over and over to justify your set up? Or are you trolls? It's just be fascinating to watch this line of thinking evolve in the last 20 years.

Have you ever stayed home with a kid? Staying home was the hardest job I've ever had (and I waited tables, bartended and was a nanny). I was taking care of a screaming baby all day, cleaning up bottles, doing laundry, etc. Nap time wasn't an option for running the vacuum since it would wake up the baby. There were about 3 naps per day and it went like this: Nap 1- pump. Nap 2- catch up on household admin (paying bills, scheduling appts, etc.). Nap 3- cleaning up bottles, taking out the trash, etc.

You all act like SAHMs are sitting around leisurely while the baby naps. I think everyone saying she is lazy/ridiculous needs to take a week off, stay home and raise their own kids while also deep cleaning their own house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child needs preschool. You can move to bi weekly cleaning and everyone keeps the house cleen

That is seriously wrong. Preschool is bogus except for kids who are in home environments that are deficient. If having a house keeper will enable your wife to be caring and intellectually engaged with the kid - talking, reading, building, playing, exploring, and especially providing emotional security - it's definitely worth it.

This. Preschool is just daycare. Maybe some limited preschool makes sense the year before kindergarten to get the child ready to be away from home in a classroom environment. But otherwise, there is no intellectual or social need if the kid has the proper home environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably has a weekly cleaner because you don't help out at home. If this is what's helping your marriage, keep it. It will benefit the kids way more than real preschool. Real preschool is only one more hour.

Or because it's incredibly difficult to clean when looking after small children. That problem will be remedied by the kid being in preschool.

Or because housecleaning is a job, as we know because people are paid to do it. You don’t ask someone who is a lawyer to just fit in all their litigation around taking care of two children it’s ridiculous to say a woman should take care of children all day and also be the house cleaner. My Housekeeper doesn’t being her kids to work because that would make her *less effective*. There’s a pretty strong correlation between parents that clean and kids who watch screens so it’s a bit pick your poison…

[Anonymous]

I would be going back to work if we could not afford preschool and an every other week house keeper. For one thing, it would indicate our budget was too close to the bone for me to not be stressed. For another, I was and still am a reluctant sahp and I stay at home for our children not to clean up everyone else’s messes.

I hate to clean, I will do my share but not everyone else’s. Everyone who lives in the house would be required to contribute to cleaning it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be going back to work if we could not afford preschool and an every other week house keeper. For one thing, it would indicate our budget was too close to the bone for me to not be stressed. For another, I was and still am a reluctant sahp and I stay at home for our children not to clean up everyone else’s messes.

I hate to clean; I will do my share, but not everyone else’s. Everyone who lives in the house would be required to contribute to cleaning it up.

They can probably afford it, but it's not a priority for the mom. Maybe she feels like it's not worth it because she can't find a good preschool. Perhaps she doesn't want to spend time looking for one because the YMCA childcare is working well for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be going back to work if we could not afford preschool and an every other week house keeper. For one thing, it would indicate our budget was too close to the bone for me to not be stressed. For another, I was and still am a reluctant sahp and I stay at home for our children not to clean up everyone else’s messes.

I hate to clean, I will do my share but not everyone else’s. Everyone who lives in the house would be required to contribute to cleaning it up.

So you are a SAHP with the kids in daycare and a housekeeper? Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be going back to work if we could not afford preschool and an every other week house keeper. For one thing, it would indicate our budget was too close to the bone for me to not be stressed. For another, I was and still am a reluctant sahp and I stay at home for our children not to clean up everyone else’s messes.

I hate to clean, I will do my share but not everyone else’s. Everyone who lives in the house would be required to contribute to cleaning it up.

Different people have different spending style, some are frugal savers while others big spenders so hard to say. I don’t judge people’s wealth from their expenditure as I’ve seen many many $30k millionaires.