Wife wants a house cleaner instead of preschool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM but hate cleaning the whole house by myself! We made a choice by having kids, than sacrificing my career rather than my husband's, and to read people saying SAHM should also be doing the cleaning on top of caring for the kids is infuriating.

First of all, no one likes cleaning. But you do it anyway because it needs to be done. I work FT and still clean my own house but that doesn't mean that I look down on people who do have house cleaners. I had one for years until COVID came along, I got laid off and then just never found a new housekeeper once I went back to work. If you want to pay someone to clean your house, that's great.

But did your kids also go to preschool? The issue is the selfish choice to not spend 2 hours a week cleaning yourself (which OP will have time for if her child is in preschool) so that she doesn't have to clean her own home. I get that its only pre-school but as a parent, I can't imagine not choosing my child's education/socialization over a housecleaner. No offense to the OP but if they cannot afford to pay for both, I'm guessing they are not living in a huge house.

The child gets socialized at the YMCA CHILDCARE for days a week. I've never understood the obsession with preschool in the US. If it's so important, why are the US kids so behind academically compared to the rest of the world? Parents went to check off boxes.

Going to the childcare center while OP works out is not the same as preschool. Its not the same group of kids each day, they are not educating them on basics they need to know for K and the child is not learning how to behave in a classroom environment. Those are the benefits of preschool. For all we know, the kids are sitting there watching a movie while the mom works out. Again, it's about this is what mom wants to do, despite it not necessarily being the best option for the child. OP's wife sounds entitled and selfish.

Honest question. Did every adult supportive of this viewpoint also go to pre-school as children? Or if you didn't, were you traumatized or otherwise have a hard time when you had to go to K?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM but hate cleaning the whole house by myself! We made a choice by having kids, than sacrificing my career rather than my husband's, and to read people saying SAHM should also be doing the cleaning on top of caring for the kids is infuriating.

First of all, no one likes cleaning. But you do it anyway because it needs to be done. I work FT and still clean my own house but that doesn't mean that I look down on people who do have house cleaners. I had one for years until COVID came along, I got laid off and then just never found a new housekeeper once I went back to work. If you want to pay someone to clean your house, that's great.

But did your kids also go to preschool? The issue is the selfish choice to not spend 2 hours a week cleaning yourself (which OP will have time for if her child is in preschool) so that she doesn't have to clean her own home. I get that its only pre-school but as a parent, I can't imagine not choosing my child's education/socialization over a housecleaner. No offense to the OP but if they cannot afford to pay for both, I'm guessing they are not living in a huge house.

The child gets socialized at the YMCA CHILDCARE for days a week. I've never understood the obsession with preschool in the US. If it's so important, why are the US kids so behind academically compared to the rest of the world? Parents went to check off boxes.

Going to the childcare center while OP works out is not the same as preschool. Its not the same group of kids each day, they are not educating them on basics they need to know for K and the child is not learning how to behave in a classroom environment. Those are the benefits of preschool. For all we know, the kids are sitting there watching a movie while the mom works out. Again, it's about this is what mom wants to do, despite it not necessarily being the best option for the child. OP's wife sounds entitled and selfish.

They don't play movies at the YMCA. The one I go to has a glass wall. I can see everything that goes on. You sound judgemental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You DO NOT play/read/engage with your child for a solid 8 hours per day.

I absolutely do, she’s awake from 6:30-8 and only naps for two hours.

But even if I didn’t, that wouldn’t mean the next best use of my time would be housework. When she naps I exercise and read. Both my physical and intellectual health are more important than my washing a floor. After she goes to bed my husband and I spend time together— our relationship health is much more important than my folding towels.

Our house is clean and hygienic because we have a housekeeper. My home is healthy and loving because we don’t care whether the clothes are ironed by the same person who reads to the toddler.


You aren't telling the truth.

For as progressive as women are supposed to be now, listening to a bunch of women that do not hold a job outside of caring for their own child inside their own home say they incapable of doing simple adult/home owner tasks at the same time is just sad. When/If you ever worked an office job you are expected to multiple different work tasks during the day including keeping your workspace tidy. How is this not a reasonable expectation in your own home? You are also saying that the WOHP contribute to childcare and housework when they are not working otherwise they aren't pulling their weight in the relationship? How do the women that provide childcare in their home for others handle making sure the house and clean and tidy during the day? Isn't there some expectation that a hired nanny provide some sort of cleaning after the child? You just seem annoying and whinny about being expected to contribute to your household besides watching your own child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You DO NOT play/read/engage with your child for a solid 8 hours per day.

I absolutely do, she’s awake from 6:30-8 and only naps for two hours.

But even if I didn’t, that wouldn’t mean the next best use of my time would be housework. When she naps I exercise and read. Both my physical and intellectual health are more important than my washing a floor. After she goes to bed my husband and I spend time together— our relationship health is much more important than my folding towels.

Our house is clean and hygienic because we have a housekeeper. My home is healthy and loving because we don’t care whether the clothes are ironed by the same person who reads to the toddler.

You aren't telling the truth.

For as progressive as women are supposed to be now, listening to a bunch of women that do not hold a job outside of caring for their own child inside their own home say they incapable of doing simple adult/home owner tasks at the same time is just sad. When/If you ever worked an office job you are expected to multiple different work tasks during the day including keeping your workspace tidy. How is this not a reasonable expectation in your own home? You are also saying that the WOHP contribute to childcare and housework when they are not working otherwise they aren't pulling their weight in the relationship? How do the women that provide childcare in their home for others handle making sure the house and clean and tidy during the day? Isn't there some expectation that a hired nanny provide some sort of cleaning after the child? You just seem annoying and whinny about being expected to contribute to your household besides watching your own child.


Ah, but I do work outside the home in an office job. I am on maternity leave for a year. I do not expect anyone on my staff to do their job while also cleaning the office— we have a cleaning staff. It would be ridiculous for me to say that everyone should do their work AND vacuum the offices AND clean the bathrooms. It is much more than “keeping your workspace tidy” which is also true of a parent at home with their child. Imagine going to a job interview and being told you would run the $5M program oh and by the way you will also wash the windows and clean the toilets. I wouldn’t take that job professionally I’m certainly not going to take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM but hate cleaning the whole house by myself! We made a choice by having kids, than sacrificing my career rather than my husband's, and to read people saying SAHM should also be doing the cleaning on top of caring for the kids is infuriating.

First of all, no one likes cleaning. But you do it anyway because it needs to be done. I work FT and still clean my own house but that doesn't mean that I look down on people who do have house cleaners. I had one for years until COVID came along, I got laid off and then just never found a new housekeeper once I went back to work. If you want to pay someone to clean your house, that's great.

But did your kids also go to preschool? The issue is the selfish choice to not spend 2 hours a week cleaning yourself (which OP will have time for if her child is in preschool) so that she doesn't have to clean her own home. I get that its only pre-school but as a parent, I can't imagine not choosing my child's education/socialization over a housecleaner. No offense to the OP but if they cannot afford to pay for both, I'm guessing they are not living in a huge house.

The child gets socialized at the YMCA CHILDCARE for days a week. I've never understood the obsession with preschool in the US. If it's so important, why are the US kids so behind academically compared to the rest of the world? Parents went to check off boxes.

Going to the childcare center while OP works out is not the same as preschool. Its not the same group of kids each day, they are not educating them on basics they need to know for K and the child is not learning how to behave in a classroom environment. Those are the benefits of preschool. For all we know, the kids are sitting there watching a movie while the mom works out. Again, it's about this is what mom wants to do, despite it not necessarily being the best option for the child. OP's wife sounds entitled and selfish.

They don't play movies at the YMCA. The one I go to has a glass wall. I can see everything that goes on. You sound judgemental.

Are they teaching them how to write letters? Read? Organizational skills? Look, maybe they are. I honestly wouldn't know because I sent my child to pre-school. And yes, I am being judgemental. I judge a parent who chooses to keep a cleaning service and gym time over their child's education.

Is preschool essential? Maybe not. But if you ask my best friend who is a Kindergarten teacher whether it helps, she will tell you that she can absolutely tell which of her kids went to preschool and which didn't. And usually the ones who didn't are the ones who struggle.

[Anonymous]

The real issue here is forcing the question to be about education or cleaning lady!

Why is the question even being posed in this specific way? Why don’t you an your wife talk first about the pros and cons of preschool or the current ymca program. When you get that all clear you can chat about possible ways to afford preschool (if that’s what you guys decide). From there you can discern whether not having cleaning services, or having less cleaning services, is the way forward.

OP, you have some work in regards to effective and enrolling problem solving skills! Luckily you are fully in control of that! Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ah, but I do work outside the home in an office job. I am on maternity leave for a year. I do not expect anyone on my staff to do their job while also cleaning the office— we have a cleaning staff. It would be ridiculous for me to say that everyone should do their work AND vacuum the offices AND clean the bathrooms. It is much more than “keeping your workspace tidy” which is also true of a parent at home with their child. Imagine going to a job interview and being told you would run the $5M program oh and by the way you will also wash the windows and clean the toilets. I wouldn’t take that job professionally I’m certainly not going to take it personally.

YOU are so OVER DRAMATIC. You don't vacuum, mop, clean toilets or do laundry every single day. Even without children those are activities you have to do as a normal adult but somehow giving birth renders you incapable to doing them ever again? Tip - it all doesn't have to be done on the same day. Have you ever washed your house windows? No one here is suggesting you watch your kids and also be the mechanic to your family cars and single handedly re shingle your roof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real issue here is forcing the question to be about education or cleaning lady!

Why is the question even being posed in this specific way? Why don’t you an your wife talk first about the pros and cons of preschool or the current ymca program. When you get that all clear you can chat about possible ways to afford preschool (if that’s what you guys decide). From there you can discern whether not having cleaning services, or having less cleaning services, is the way forward.

OP, you have some work in regards to effective and enrolling problem solving skills! Luckily you are fully in control of that! Good luck

Thank you - I found it odd that there was a binary choice here - either pre-school or cleaning service. Both have value, so why not look at the entire budget? Maybe you cut out something else so that you can do part-time preschool and cleaning service once a month - you are talking about a short period of time - a few years until public school - so why not see what other extras can be dropped to allow for both? Cable, lawn service, vacations, dining out, clothing - all of these are discretionary items that you could consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You DO NOT play/read/engage with your child for a solid 8 hours per day.

I absolutely do, she’s awake from 6:30-8 and only naps for two hours.

But even if I didn’t, that wouldn’t mean the next best use of my time would be housework. When she naps I exercise and read. Both my physical and intellectual health are more important than my washing a floor. After she goes to bed my husband and I spend time together— our relationship health is much more important than my folding towels.

Our house is clean and hygienic because we have a housekeeper. My home is healthy and loving because we don’t care whether the clothes are ironed by the same person who reads to the toddler.

You aren't telling the truth.

For as progressive as women are supposed to be now, listening to a bunch of women that do not hold a job outside of caring for their own child inside their own home say they incapable of doing simple adult/home owner tasks at the same time is just sad. When/If you ever worked an office job you are expected to multiple different work tasks during the day including keeping your workspace tidy. How is this not a reasonable expectation in your own home? You are also saying that the WOHP contribute to childcare and housework when they are not working otherwise they aren't pulling their weight in the relationship? How do the women that provide childcare in their home for others handle making sure the house and clean and tidy during the day? Isn't there some expectation that a hired nanny provide some sort of cleaning after the child? You just seem annoying and whinny about being expected to contribute to your household besides watching your own child.

DP. Having been both a SAHM and a WOHP, I feel very comfortable saying you have no clue what you are talking about.

And I literally laughed out loud at the notion that all workers keep their workspaces tidy, because that’s just not true.

Also, you know many companies hire dedicated janitorial staff because their employees are not expected to scrub toilets and mop floors in addition to their assigned functions, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ah, but I do work outside the home in an office job. I am on maternity leave for a year. I do not expect anyone on my staff to do their job while also cleaning the office— we have a cleaning staff. It would be ridiculous for me to say that everyone should do their work AND vacuum the offices AND clean the bathrooms. It is much more than “keeping your workspace tidy” which is also true of a parent at home with their child. Imagine going to a job interview and being told you would run the $5M program oh and by the way you will also wash the windows and clean the toilets. I wouldn’t take that job professionally I’m certainly not going to take it personally.

YOU are so OVER DRAMATIC. You don't vacuum, mop, clean toilets or do laundry every single day. Even without children those are activities you have to do as a normal adult but somehow giving birth renders you incapable to doing them ever again? Tip - it all doesn't have to be done on the same day. Have you ever washed your house windows? No one here is suggesting you watch your kids and also be the mechanic to your family cars and single handedly re shingle your roof.

We had a housekeeper before we had a baby because I have never considered it a good use of my time to mop floors. It didn’t become a good use of my time when I gave birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real issue here is forcing the question to be about education or cleaning lady!

Why is the question even being posed in this specific way? Why don’t you an your wife talk first about the pros and cons of preschool or the current ymca program. When you get that all clear you can chat about possible ways to afford preschool (if that’s what you guys decide). From there you can discern whether not having cleaning services, or having less cleaning services, is the way forward.

OP, you have some work in regards to effective and enrolling problem solving skills! Luckily you are fully in control of that! Good luck

Thank you - I found it odd that there was a binary choice here - either pre-school or cleaning service. Both have value, so why not look at the entire budget? Maybe you cut out something else so that you can do part-time preschool and cleaning service once a month - you are talking about a short period of time - a few years until public school - so why not see what other extras can be dropped to allow for both? Cable, lawn service, vacations, dining out, clothing - all of these are discretionary items that you could consider.

I agree! This is an opportunity to discuss many options and scenarios with your spouse and come to a conclusion together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am constantly in awe that sahms have in the last 20 years created this narrative that their only duty during 8-6 every day should be attending to their children, and that other than loading the dishwasher and putting on laundry, it is an affront for them to do any other chores about the house.

It's clearly a ridiculous untruth that exists solely in the minds of maybe the top 10% of households (because as people above have noted, obviously MOST women staying home with young kids are cleaning their house and don't have cleaners). But I can't believe that it's become the dominant narrative on sites like this. Do the people echoing this narrative really believe it? Or do you say it because you have to repeat it over and over to justify your set up? Or are you trolls? It's just be fascinating to watch this line of thinking evolve in the last 20 years.

Have you ever stayed home with a kid? Staying home was the hardest job I've ever had (and I waited tables, bartended and was a nanny). I was taking care of a screaming baby all day, cleaning up bottles, doing laundry, etc. Nap time wasn't an option for running the vacuum since it would wake up the baby. There were about 3 naps per day and it went like this: Nap 1- pump. Nap 2- catch up on household admin (paying bills, scheduling appts, etc.). Nap 3- cleaning up bottles, taking out the trash, etc.

You all act like SAHMs are sitting around leisurely while the baby naps. I think everyone saying she is lazy/ridiculous needs to take a week off, stay home and raise their own kids while also deep cleaning their own house.

Been there and done that. It's busy but not unmanageable; especially with one child. There is some down time. The things you are citing as activities are normal adulting and not specifically related to childcare- laundry, taking out trash and paying bills. Those are things that doesn't have to happen during the day much less only done by the SAHP.

Here's some tips for those struggling. Stop being martyrs. Feel free to use the dishwasher to wash the bottles. You don't have to vacuum or mop everyday, nor scrub toilets daily either.

Funny I have found the best way to avoid being a martyr is to outsource to an excellent housekeeper. Maybe OPs wife is taking your advice.

I think you mean you’ve figured out make staying home some extraordinary feat that you can’t handle ion your own so you require help for basic adult tasks. Sad.

OP works part time and a concierge. Nothing that require any heavy lifting mentally or physically. Give me a break.

What prize do you think is awarded for scrubbing your own toilets? Do you think your clothes know who is ironing them?

I assure you my daughter knows when I’m playing with her and reading to her, but my linens have never once complained that the housekeeper folds them.

My ex-wife grew up in a house with servants. As a result, she was very lazy. I didn't want my children growing up the same way, so they see their father clean, do laundry, cook, wash dishes, iron, vacuum, fix the cars, mow the lawn, and cut down trees.

Hence the ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife isn't cool with getting rid of weekly house cleaning so we can pay for preschool. She has a part-time job on the weekends as a concierge. She's been a stay-at-home mom since our oldest was born. I am on board with her working or not working. Our first child was invited to public preschool because he was in an early intervention program. The second child's preschool won't be free. He goes to the YMCA at least four times a week for two hours a day, and they swim for another hour. My wife thinks gym childcare can provide a preschool experience.

OP here. We can afford both. I feel that weekly housekeeping is excessive. My wife doesn't want our child in preschool because she has trust issues. She would be okay with our child going to a public PreK, but that's not an option where we live. She feels the YMCA is the next best thing to regular preschool. I wasn't aware of any of this until today. She wants to hold onto him a while longer. She's terrified of school shootings. I suggested getting rid of a weekly housekeeper because I don't feel like we need it every week. My wife is OCD. The private preschool I have looked at is Montessori, and they are expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ah, but I do work outside the home in an office job. I am on maternity leave for a year. I do not expect anyone on my staff to do their job while also cleaning the office— we have a cleaning staff. It would be ridiculous for me to say that everyone should do their work AND vacuum the offices AND clean the bathrooms. It is much more than “keeping your workspace tidy” which is also true of a parent at home with their child. Imagine going to a job interview and being told you would run the $5M program oh and by the way you will also wash the windows and clean the toilets. I wouldn’t take that job professionally I’m certainly not going to take it personally.

YOU are so OVER DRAMATIC. You don't vacuum, mop, clean toilets or do laundry every single day. Even without children those are activities you have to do as a normal adult but somehow giving birth renders you incapable to doing them ever again? Tip - it all doesn't have to be done on the same day. Have you ever washed your house windows? No one here is suggesting you watch your kids and also be the mechanic to your family cars and single handedly re shingle your roof.

DP.

If they are activities that a normal adult has to do, then OP should be doing them, or atleast half of them. I bet they won't need a house keeper if he did his half.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am constantly in awe that sahms have in the last 20 years created this narrative that their only duty during 8-6 every day should be attending to their children, and that other than loading the dishwasher and putting on laundry, it is an affront for them to do any other chores about the house.

It's clearly a ridiculous untruth that exists solely in the minds of maybe the top 10% of households (because as people above have noted, obviously MOST women staying home with young kids are cleaning their house and don't have cleaners). But I can't believe that it's become the dominant narrative on sites like this. Do the people echoing this narrative really believe it? Or do you say it because you have to repeat it over and over to justify your set up? Or are you trolls? It's just be fascinating to watch this line of thinking evolve in the last 20 years.

Have you ever stayed home with a kid? Staying home was the hardest job I've ever had (and I waited tables, bartended and was a nanny). I was taking care of a screaming baby all day, cleaning up bottles, doing laundry, etc. Nap time wasn't an option for running the vacuum since it would wake up the baby. There were about 3 naps per day and it went like this: Nap 1- pump. Nap 2- catch up on household admin (paying bills, scheduling appts, etc.). Nap 3- cleaning up bottles, taking out the trash, etc.

You all act like SAHMs are sitting around leisurely while the baby naps. I think everyone saying she is lazy/ridiculous needs to take a week off, stay home and raise their own kids while also deep cleaning their own house.

Been there and done that. It's busy but not unmanageable; especially with one child. There is some down time. The things you are citing as activities are normal adulting and not specifically related to childcare- laundry, taking out trash and paying bills. Those are things that doesn't have to happen during the day much less only done by the SAHP.

Here's some tips for those struggling. Stop being martyrs. Feel free to use the dishwasher to wash the bottles. You don't have to vacuum or mop everyday, nor scrub toilets daily either.

Funny I have found the best way to avoid being a martyr is to outsource to an excellent housekeeper. Maybe OPs wife is taking your advice.

I think you mean you’ve figured out make staying home some extraordinary feat that you can’t handle ion your own so you require help for basic adult tasks. Sad.

OP works part time and a concierge. Nothing that require any heavy lifting mentally or physically. Give me a break.

What prize do you think is awarded for scrubbing your own toilets? Do you think your clothes know who is ironing them?

I assure you my daughter knows when I’m playing with her and reading to her, but my linens have never once complained that the housekeeper folds them.

You DO NOT play/read/engage with your child for a solid 8 hours per day.

DP .
And you do not bill the exact number of hours when you are at work. What's your point? Do you scrub toilets when you are chatting with a co worker or taking a piss?