Parent has stroke and sibling doesn’t come up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is 91 and you have 3 young children? Are you young enough to be your husband’s child?

I was wondering that too, but then OP revealed in a follow-up post that she has a 16-year-old. Which is not a "young child", but of course, she could have an infant and toddler at home as well. How old is the husband/son of the 91-year-old?

No idea why the fascination or why this matters- but I have a 6, 14 and 16 year old. One husband all our kids. What the heck does that matter? And my husband is 60- older than me but I’m 50 so not freak show.
Point is, I’m driving kids around and have daycare concerns- three kids schedule - all three at different schools- one in track (in season now), competitive dance (in season now), son coaches soccer snd trying out for bball team- and little one plays soccer. So we are busy- brother in law- none of that.

Who knows why my MIL is 91- guess I’ll be sure to ask her why she had kids when she did- since that seems to be part of evaluation.

You don't have young kids! You've got 2 kids old enough to babysit, arrange their own rides and pitch in to help. One of those kids is even old enough to drive.

They're probably also old enough to realize that everyone's time on this earth is limited and that 91 years is more than long enough to be alive. I doubt any of their friends/classmates have relatives that old, so the OP's two oldest kids probably feel grateful that their grandmother has lived as long as she has and, like their uncle, are ready to let her go. They may not be little kids, but they're still pretty young and have their whole lives ahead of them. I think it would be pretty selfish to expect them to make sacrifices for someone who should be dead.

“Someone who should be dead”? Where the F is your humanity? So after a certain age people (even those we presumably love and with whom we share a long history) should just be left alone in the hospital? Their life has no meaning or value, nor does their comfort or dignity? We should not honor them and be there for them? But PP, I cannot fathom your coldness.

Ultimately, OP - you have your value system that you live by and your IL’s have theirs. You cannot control the choices they make, nor their lack of care; I understand your frustration and dismay, but just keep an eye on your own path, the one that gives you peace and lets you sleep at night. But do not martyr yourself and ignore self care - it’s okay to find that balance for yourself.

Yes, they were blessed to live a long life, and not all of us are so fortunate. Yes, every adult has the right to make their own choices about how much elder care they can provide.

^oops, posted too soon. Meant to acknowledge that at 91 they have been blessed with a long life and that this isn’t necessarily a “tragedy”. But that does not mean they should die alone or be abandoned and left without support; it doesn’t mean that the family bond becomes worthless (although it’s true that relationships are complicated and this certainly factors into things).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is 91 and you have 3 young children? Are you young enough to be your husband’s child?

I was wondering that too, but then OP revealed in a follow-up post that she has a 16-year-old. Which is not a "young child", but of course, she could have an infant and toddler at home as well. How old is the husband/son of the 91-year-old?

No idea why the fascination or why this matters- but I have a 6, 14 and 16 year old. One husband all our kids. What the heck does that matter? And my husband is 60- older than me but I’m 50 so not freak show.
Point is, I’m driving kids around and have daycare concerns- three kids schedule - all three at different schools- one in track (in season now), competitive dance (in season now), son coaches soccer snd trying out for bball team- and little one plays soccer. So we are busy- brother in law- none of that.

Who knows why my MIL is 91- guess I’ll be sure to ask her why she had kids when she did- since that seems to be part of evaluation.

You don't have young kids! You've got 2 kids old enough to babysit, arrange their own rides and pitch in to help. One of those kids is even old enough to drive.

They're probably also old enough to realize that everyone's time on this earth is limited and that 91 years is more than long enough to be alive. I doubt any of their friends/classmates have relatives that old, so the OP's two oldest kids probably feel grateful that their grandmother has lived as long as she has and, like their uncle, are ready to let her go. They may not be little kids, but they're still pretty young and have their whole lives ahead of them. I think it would be pretty selfish to expect them to make sacrifices for someone who should be dead.

“Someone who should be dead”? Where the F is your humanity? So after a certain age people (even those we presumably love and with whom we share a long history) should just be left alone in the hospital? Their life has no meaning or value, nor does their comfort or dignity? We should not honor them and be there for them? But PP, I cannot fathom your coldness.

Ultimately, OP - you have your value system that you live by and your IL’s have theirs. You cannot control the choices they make, nor their lack of care; I understand your frustration and dismay, but just keep an eye on your own path, the one that gives you peace and lets you sleep at night. But do not martyr yourself and ignore self care - it’s okay to find that balance for yourself.

Yes, they were blessed to live a long life, and not all of us are so fortunate. Yes, every adult has the right to make their own choices about how much elder care they can provide.

^oops, posted too soon. Meant to acknowledge that at 91 they have been blessed with a long life and that this isn’t necessarily a “tragedy”. But that does not mean they should die alone or be abandoned and left without support; it doesn’t mean that the family bond becomes worthless (although it’s true that relationships are complicated and this certainly factors into things).

I'm sure that when OP and her husband call her BIL to tell him that the doctors just announced that she has a matter hours to live, he'll come over and be by her side in her final moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is 91 and you have 3 young children? Are you young enough to be your husband’s child?

I was wondering that too, but then OP revealed in a follow-up post that she has a 16-year-old. Which is not a "young child", but of course, she could have an infant and toddler at home as well. How old is the husband/son of the 91-year-old?

No idea why the fascination or why this matters- but I have a 6, 14 and 16 year old. One husband all our kids. What the heck does that matter? And my husband is 60- older than me but I’m 50 so not freak show.
Point is, I’m driving kids around and have daycare concerns- three kids schedule - all three at different schools- one in track (in season now), competitive dance (in season now), son coaches soccer snd trying out for bball team- and little one plays soccer. So we are busy- brother in law- none of that.

Who knows why my MIL is 91- guess I’ll be sure to ask her why she had kids when she did- since that seems to be part of evaluation.

You don't have young kids! You've got 2 kids old enough to babysit, arrange their own rides and pitch in to help. One of those kids is even old enough to drive.

They're probably also old enough to realize that everyone's time on this earth is limited and that 91 years is more than long enough to be alive. I doubt any of their friends/classmates have relatives that old, so the OP's two oldest kids probably feel grateful that their grandmother has lived as long as she has and, like their uncle, are ready to let her go. They may not be little kids, but they're still pretty young and have their whole lives ahead of them. I think it would be pretty selfish to expect them to make sacrifices for someone who should be dead.

“Someone who should be dead”? Where the F is your humanity? So after a certain age people (even those we presumably love and with whom we share a long history) should just be left alone in the hospital? Their life has no meaning or value, nor does their comfort or dignity? We should not honor them and be there for them? But PP, I cannot fathom your coldness.

Ultimately, OP - you have your value system that you live by and your IL’s have theirs. You cannot control the choices they make, nor their lack of care; I understand your frustration and dismay, but just keep an eye on your own path, the one that gives you peace and lets you sleep at night. But do not martyr yourself and ignore self care - it’s okay to find that balance for yourself.

Yes, they were blessed to live a long life, and not all of us are so fortunate. Yes, every adult has the right to make their own choices about how much elder care they can provide.

^oops, posted too soon. Meant to acknowledge that at 91 they have been blessed with a long life and that this isn’t necessarily a “tragedy”. But that does not mean they should die alone or be abandoned and left without support; it doesn’t mean that the family bond becomes worthless (although it’s true that relationships are complicated and this certainly factors into things).

I'm sure that when OP and her husband call her BIL to tell him that the doctors just announced that she has a matter hours to live, he'll come over and be by her side in her final moments.

BTW, if she's not too old to deserve to be alive, then she's not too old to care for herself.

[Anonymous]

OP stopped writing pages ago. Does that BIL did visit and care for his mom?

[Anonymous]

Parent has stroke and sibling doesn’t come up

Why should he?

[Anonymous]

It's not the drive. Once he gets there, he'll have to go through the hassle of finding a place to stay and live in unfamiliar surroundings. I can't say I blame him.

[Anonymous]

It's amazing. Adults who live under the same roof as their parents are considered lazy and selfish. But adults who never visit their parents at all are still considered selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a frequent poster, and if I remember correctly:
- You have longstanding grievances about your BIL's involvement with his mother's care.
- However, you and your husband moved your MIL to specifically be near you, but you frequently grumble about how your BIL doesn't fly in to help with the day-to-day care of his mother.
- It appears you made this bed, and now are unhappy with it.

I think I remember the OP too. She posted more than a year ago saying that she and her husband were going to move her MIL near them.
And I remember her complaining about her retired BIL.
I also remember OP sounded very stressed then.

OP, why did you and your husband move your MIL to be near YOU?
Why not near your BIL? Are there any other siblings?
What plan did you and your husband put in place for your MIL's end of life care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you've got some nerve to criticize your BIL. He didn't ask you to come into his family. YOU decided to enter his family by marrying his brother. Your BIL's relationship with his mother is absolutely none of your business. They are only your family because of a choice you made. If you don't like what's happening in a family that you decided to join, then maybe you think about making the decision to leave.

NP. What a toxically rabid "only the family you're born into really matters" post this is. Bet this PP treats all his or her in-laws like outsiders, yet also is constantly pi$$ed at them for not "doing enough for the family."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a frequent poster, and if I remember correctly:
- You have longstanding grievances about your BIL's involvement with his mother's care.
- However, you and your husband moved your MIL to specifically be near you, but you frequently grumble about how your BIL doesn't fly in to help with the day-to-day care of his mother.
- It appears you made this bed, and now are unhappy with it.

I think I remember the OP too. She posted more than a year ago saying that she and her husband were going to move her MIL near them.
And I remember her complaining about her retired BIL.
I also remember OP sounded very stressed then.

OP, why did you and your husband move your MIL to be near YOU?
Why not near your BIL? Are there any other siblings?
What plan did you and your husband put in place for your MIL's end of life care?

DP. Not the OP. But how on Earth was OP's husband supposed to "move (the) MIL" to be "near the BIL"? How nonsensical. You mean, did the BIL consider having mom move near him or did the DH discuss with BIL which would be the better location for mom as she aged.

We don't know the answer to that and I don't think OP is obliged to give us an answer because that is a moot point now. It's just like DCUM, though, to dig up an OP's past posts (or think it has done so) and say, "Aha, you don't like your BIL anyway, so there!" Just not useful at this point.

BIL is four hours away, OP says his son isn't suicidally depressed (as one PP actually theorized for a reason BIL might not visit MIL!), and BIL isn't seeming to see any urgency here whereas OP, who with DH has boots on the ground, so to speak, does see some urgency.

OP, I've been where you are almost literally. It's immensely upsetting when there is a wide gap between family members' perceptions of the urgency of a situation. "Wait and see, she was moving a bit more today" can become "I'm calling to tell you some sad news...." in a blink, when it comes to stroke (at ANY age) and when it comes to a patient the age of your MIL (with any condition). Still, knowing that, I would drop this. He knows she's had a stroke; he's been informed of its severity (right?) and DH (not you! DH) can call him at a set time each day, once a day ONLY, with a brief update. I'd do that--make it a fixed thing so it's not always hanging over your heads. Then carry on as if BIL isn't coming and never will come. It will be like a pleasant surprise if he turns up and no more. I know his help, which now would take just the form of his being there to give DH and you a break, would be helpful. But that's not going to happen. I know you and DH must be worried that if MIL dies, BIL will not have taken this chance to see her before that. But that's on him, not on you or DH. Add an element of control for yourselves by setting a "Once daily at 5 p.m., not before or after unless there is a real emergency" call or text and that's IT.

I wish your MIL the best and I hope you and DH get to a point where you can sleep at home instead of at the hospital--it's very wearing on family to do that, but I understand why you're doing it now. Ignore the idiots and nitpickers here who want to rip up every tiny detail you post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the drive. Once he gets there, he'll have to go through the hassle of finding a place to stay and live in unfamiliar surroundings. I can't say I blame him.

So...finding a hotel for a brief visit is too big a hassle, so that's a legit reason not to make what might be a last visit to see your parent. Nineties plus stroke (even a mini-stroke, which some on this thread seem to think is nothing at all) is pretty much a yellow flag that mom may die sooner rather than later.

And there you are, you happen to be much closer than usual to where mom is in the hospital, so she's just a few hours away for once! But--aw, darn, those pesky hotels are just way too hard to deal with.

God forbid a halfway capable adult should have to go through the hassle of....getting a hotel room.

He's effing retired. He doesn't have to worry about getting home to go to a job tomorrow, or even a week from tomorrow. No one is asking him to "live in unfamiliar surroundings." Where are you even getting that nonsense? He's not being asked to MOVE there. Even if you don't like OP wishing he would help out more (he sure could), the fact he doesn't see 91-year-old mom's being hospitalized as a reason to just go see her for the sake of seeing her, is something he will probably end up regretting. But, but, but...hotel hassles!

JFC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 91 yo she is overdue for dying.

What an awful thing to say.

If this poster dies before they're 91, will you still think it was an awful thing to say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m annoyed- and surprised - but maybe this is normal? My 91 year old mother in law suffered a stroke last night. We’ve been at hospital all night. She’s doing bit better but at her age in ICU as they can’t predict if she’ll heal and can’t treat it. So they are saying she’ll be in ICU for at least 3 more days. Then maybe rehab hospital- we aren’t sure what will happen with her assisted living siatuokn and if she can return there at some point?
However We texted and called the other brother- who is retired footloose and fancy free- he lives a few states away but is actually visiting his son 4 hours away.
They just told us to keep them informed. WTF!!
I can’t believe they don’t drive up to check on her and help. We both work full time demanding jobs and have three young kids. And with all that, if roles were reversed, even states away I (or my husband) would fly to our parent.
My husband is spending night with her and I’m going back and forth today to drop off things and check on them.

But wouldn’t most people with a 91 year old mom having a stroke visit? Come check and see in person? As doctors have stated, at that age there is no percentage chance they can provide for which direction thiis goes. She seems to be talking and moving- but today bit tougher afternoon. Maybe my expectations are off.

Im the only local child with an aging parent. Three hospital stays over the last 2 years at 2 different hospitals. No hospital lets people stay overnight unless they are quite literally on their death bed, and even then, unlikely.

Not true. I practically lived in the hospital several times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of complaining and judging, use your words and tell him what you need:
“Bob, this is more serious than we thought. It involves being physically present at the hospital and making decisions. We need you to come here within the next few days. Thanks.”

Yeah, if this is the situation then your husband needs to be direct with his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP—you still haven’t answered the question about your spouse spending the night in the ICU. What hospital allows someone to spend the night in an ICU? Makes me wonder if this isn’t a troll post.

Not OP, but my God you troll people are irritating.